Legit E question: How do I handle this?

polichik · December 2009

CN: Can't add any more guests to the reception, but want my home church choir to sing a song at the end of the ceremony. How do I make them feel welcome and appreciated when I can't invite them to the reception or RD? Or, if I can't invite them to the reception, do I invite them to sing at all?

Edit: Should have mentioned that we're at comfortable capacity for the room as well.

We're having a medium-ish wedding (110 guests), and we can't add any more to our guest list. Here's the twist... Ever since I've been little, I've wanted my church choir to sing the Seven-Fold Amen (special blessing used on holidays, etc.) at my wedding. My home church is about a 15-minute drive from our outdoor reception site. I've been going to this church since I was a little kid, and many members of the choir have seen me grow up. The church's pastor is also our officiant.

If anyone in the choir were to come sing at our wedding, what should I do about treating them as guests? We simply can't afford to have anyone else come to the reception, but I feel weird asking them to sing and then being like "Ok, see you next Sunday!" There would be anywhere from seven to twenty-five members of the choir coming. I wouldn't want to ask them to be at the rehearsal, so I don't think I have to worry about the RD.

I can't treat them like just a vendor, since even though I don't know each person super well individually, I've been in the same church community with them for years. I planned on making a donation to the church, but I was thinking about also doing something like giving a large gift card to a restaurant so they could all go get dinner afterward.

Thanks for reading.. I just can't get my head around the logisitics. I know we have a while to decide, but this has been bugging me.

rhodesign · December 2009

I think offering some sort of gift/gift card/donation is fine. They don't all know you, so I'd imagine that they won't necessarily expect to be invited to your reception. It's like the organist or string quartet--essentially vendors, even if they are members of your church. Also, ask you pastor what he thinks. Maybe he has an answer for you.

Stackeye210 · December 2009

Could you maybe ask a few members of the choir that you know a little better then the others to sing at the ceremony and then invite them to the reception? That way it wouldn't be like 25 extra people but you'd still get some people to sing.

I think your thought process makes sense though, it would be awkward to invite them to do something for your special day and then not let them celebrate with you afterwards.

Tricky. Maybe you should talk to the officiant about it since he knows the church, choir and if anyone before you has dealt with this.

goheels05 · December 2009

For someone who has been on the knot forevah, you sure do ask some beebee-ish questions.

If you can't afford to invite them to the reception, I don't think you should have the choir. I don't know that that's a hard and fast etiquette rule, but I personally couldn't in good conscious just use members of my church as props and then say "see ya next Sunday!"

polichik · December 2009

Heels, I agree, which is why I wanted to see if there was a middle ground, like taking them out to dinner.

I feel like they would be somewhere between a guest and a vendor, which is why I felt like it was a grey area.

squirrly · December 2009

Talk to your pastor. If it's not been done before, I wouldn't want to be the first.

plessjm · December 2009

I think the best way is to be totally up front with them. My first suggestion is to talk to the pastor he might have a an idea... I am sure you are not the first to be married and have the choir singing at your wedding. If he doesn't it might be best to find out when they have choir rehearsal...
You could then ask the director if you may speak with the choir at the end of practice. You can ask the entire choir about how much you love listening to the sing throughout your lide and how much you want them part of you special day.
About inviting them to the reception tell them up front... we reached our limit in guests so we can't invite you spend the entire special day with them but you are hoping that if anyone would like to spend the most important part of the day (joining as husband and wife) that you really would love them to be there and make your wedding spectacular.
I was in a church choir and this was done... Everyone in the choir attended and it was a great time. The couple donated a gift to go towards something the choir needed we got a new mic. It was really special!
Don't worry too much the people who really treasure you ... shouldn't base their decision on whether they are invited to party afterwards!

ThePinkSuperhero · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legit-e-question-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:982ba707-3970-4510-a30b-8bb252196880Post:9c945839-0655-4204-b3b2-99a0c6b37e64">Re: Legit E question: How do I handle this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can't afford to invite them to the reception, I don't think you should have the choir. I don't know that that's a hard and fast etiquette rule, but I personally couldn't in good conscious just use members of my church as props and then say "see ya next Sunday!"
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

I agree. If you can't invite them to be a part of your whole day, I don't think you should use them at all.

goheels05 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legit-e-question-handle-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:982ba707-3970-4510-a30b-8bb252196880Post:a7bf1997-2f66-4f5d-a405-3784ac1f65aa">Re: Legit E question: How do I handle this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the best way is to be totally up front with them. My first suggestion is to talk to the pastor he might have a an idea... I am sure you are not the first to be married and have the choir singing at your wedding. If he doesn't it might be best to find out when they have choir rehearsal... You could then ask the director if you may speak with the choir at the end of practice. You can ask the entire choir about how much you love listening to the sing throughout your lide and how much you want them part of you special day. About inviting them to the reception tell them up front... we reached our limit in guests so we can't invite you spend the entire special day with them <strong>but you are hoping that if anyone would like to spend the most important part of the day (joining as husband and wife) that you really would love them to be there and make your wedding spectacular. </strong>I was in a church choir and this was done... Everyone in the choir attended and it was a great time. The couple donated a gift to go towards something the choir needed we got a new mic. It was really special! Don't worry too much the people who really treasure you ... shouldn't base their decision on whether they are invited to party afterwards!
Posted by plessjm[/QUOTE]
<div align="left">
</div>yeah . . . no.

I have a friend who had an all-girls choir sing as she walked down the aisle, and I just asked her what she did, just to make sure I'm not being a crazy etiquette Nazi. She said they were all children of guests she would have invited anyway, so they were invited.

Here's another way of looking at it. Let's say you weren't getting married in your home church, or let's say your church didn't have a choir. To make this happen, you would have to hire someone, and musicians aren't cheap. You couldn't just say, "um, sorry, we can't afford to pay you." You can't do that to your church's choir either just because you know them. But that's what you are doing by not paying them or inviting them to the reception.

polichik · December 2009

Heels, I did plan on paying them. In my OP, I mentioned making a donation to the church/choir and taking them out to dinner. I like the idea that a pp mentioned about purchasing a nice piece of equipment or something like that.

I would never expect them to do it for free, even if they offered. They would be taking time out of their day, and I'd want to thank them propeprly.

goheels05 · December 2009

I guess I missed that in your short novel.

Have you asked them what they would normally charge? My church's organist charged us like $250 or something. If they don't normally charge, I think you should pay them individually with gift cards or something. They don't really get to enjoy the donation to your church, and they might not all be available for dinner on the same night. I guess what I'm not understanding is how paying them properly is going to come out cheaper than just inviting them to the reception.

polichik · December 2009

Yeah Heels, I definitely need to work on my condensing skills

Even though the quarter is over for grad school, I think I'm still in 15-page paper mode!

That's a really good point about them not all being available on the same night for dinner. Maybe I could make a donation to the choir and then do separate gifts or gift cards for each person.

The reason it would be an expense issue is that our venue has two different rooms. One holds 110 comfortably and the other holds 200 comfortably. Our guest list is 110, so if I added the choir we'd have to pay an extra $500 to use the bigger room on top of the extra pp dinner/bar fees.

Basically, I suck at writing clear, concise posts. I'm going to have to get on that!

goheels05 · December 2009

Ok, that makes sense. Sorry if I was cranky before.

Yeah, a donation plus giftcards would be really nice and I think cover your bases well.

polichik · December 2009

No crankiness there! If I didn't want honest opinions, I'd go over to Wedding Wire

danieliza1127 · December 2009

I would first talk to your pastor and ask if any other weddings have used the choir in the past and how that would work. See if he has any suggestions. Then I would talk to the choir director and ask the same questions. Make it like you're just looking for info, just thinking about how it work - which is true. What those two people tell you will really help you make a better decision that we could.

I don't see the need to invite them to the reception as I see them more a part of the church, more like vendors, but I guess from other people's responses, maybe I'm wrong. I would think though that if you approached it from the pastor or director, rather than personally talking to the choir members, you could set it up as more like a vendor situation where you pay them or buy something for them as someone else suggested. Then you would free yourself from feeling obligated to invite them to the reception.

ExpatPumpkin · December 2009

We had a choir sing at our wedding, and they did it for a donation and a travel fee. We also tipped them. There were about 20 of them...

They weren't from my home church, though, since we had a destination wedding. So there was no expectation that they'd be invited to the reception.

Why don't you just find another choir?

polichik · December 2009

We certainly could use a different choir. I had originally wanted to get married in my home church, but FI had his heart set on an outdoor ceremony. The compromise was to have the outdoor ceremony, but incorporate as many elements from my home church as we could. Besides my pastor performing the ceremony, we're using some text from our church's services. Having the choir there would be amazing for me.

I'll check with the pastor, then the choir director, to see if we can make it work. If not, I'll certainly live, but it would be wonderful if I could pull it off and make everyone happy.

sarah0725 · December 2009

I think what you're suggesting is fine, and that you should think of them somewhat as vendors. When I was in college, I was a member of a women's choir that had about 60 voices, and we would occasionally perform at weddings. The B&G paid a fee that went straight into the choir treasury, and our attendance at these events was mandatory (we used the money for music, travel, etc.). I never saw a cent of it myself, and didn't expect to. None of the weddings we performed were for people we "knew" exactly, but there was nothing weird about it.

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