follow-up

peyton.ballew · March 2010

for all of you who commented on my post...

Thanks for your HARSH but true words. Why I would all the sudden expect something from my parents, idk? But it WAS immature. I usually do not have an attitude like that. But me and FI prayed really hard together when I got home from class, and although we are keeping our wedding date (because of him joining the NAVY) I am looking for a part-time job. FI is already working until he gets stationed. After reading all the post multiple times, I realized I really was living in some fantasy world and I needed a reality check. That's what all you knotties gave me. I will not ask my parents to pay for any part of the wedding and they ARE invited. I would regret not having them there. We are trying to work on our relationship together. I guess I thought it was owed to me, and it clearly isn't. If they offer I would graciously accept. We have already booked the church and if I get a job all the money earned will go towards the wedding. It was innappropriate to parade my parents and their money on the web.

So, altogether, thanks for all the advice! Critical, but it was taken with a grain of salt.

SaraAndrew2010 · March 2010

Glad you were able to recognize the value of some of the advice you got. Very few brides who get chewed out are willing to admit they were wrong.

Best of luck to you and your FI.

britne28 · March 2010

Good for you! And thank you for your post. While yes some posts are harsh most posts are just honest so it nice that is recognized. Good luck with your planning.

trix1223 · March 2010

Congratulations, Peyton. You just took a big step toward being an adult.

hh581842 · March 2010

come check out the military brides board! My BF is in the Navy

Military life will be a bit of a shock for you if you aren't familiar with it at all, so find a good support system, especially with other wives once you're married. Is your FI enlisting or going to OCS?

hh581842 · March 2010

ok, please don't go off on me everyone. My parents have no money, and certainly not enough to spend on the wedding i want, so i'm saving until i can afford it. That being said, if my parents were wealthy, and could afford to pay for a simple wedding like peyton said she wanted, i would be mad that they refused to help me too. If they have the money, why would they NOT want to pay for their daughter's wedding, which is the traditional role of the bride's family? No, of course they don't have to, but if they approve of the marriage (AND PLAN ON INVITING A BUNCH OF GUESTS!!!) why would they not want to help out? They sound really selfish to me (sorry peyton). It just makes no sense. It sounds like they just can't be bothered to spend their money on their daughter's possibly most important day. This just makes no sense to me. I think you should sit down with your parents and discuss (calmly, humbly) why they are reluctant to help you pay for your wedding. They may have a good reason, who knows. But i think it's worth a convo. Maybe they just don't understand the costs of a basic wedding these days. And tell them that if you do have to pay for it all yourself, you will have to drastically cut the guest list they have already started assembling since u will be on such a tight budget. maybe that will get your message across. Be tactful of course--remember that their contribution is a gift and that you can't expect anything, but i think it's worth finding out why they don't want to contribute at all.

And, yes, I think you are very young. I'm only 23, a few years older than you, but i can tell you i have changed SO MUCH in those 3 years, and i would not have been ready to get married at 20. I think even now, I would want to wait a few years before actually tying the knot. Enjoy your youth! it goes by fast and you only get it once. Don't be in such a rush to grow up

felicia220 · March 2010

Good Luck to you. I am glad that you were able to take something away from all of our posts.

hh581842 · March 2010

Like I said, they don't HAVE to pay for it, and I realize that, but your daughter's wedding is more important than a car or a house. I can see not buying a car for your child when you have the money to do it in order to teach them responsibility, and buying a house for your child is a little weird for me since, at that point, the "child" should be an adult at that point and should be responsible to take care of it on their own. But a wedding? I mean, traditionally, the bride's family pays for the majority of it, and if you know your daughter can't pay for her wedding on her own, but you approve of the marriage, and you have a bunch of guests you want to invite, it's weird to me that said parents don't want to contribute. If they have a reason then ok, but as far as we know, there's no reason, they just don't "want" to. If the parents are wealthy and can totally afford it, why don't they want to contribute financially to the wedding of their daughter? Does the stepmom not like the daughter?!? is there animosity in the relationship between father and daughter? My parents can't afford to contribute anything, and I don't want to ask them because I know they can't, so I've decided to save up for it myself. But if they could afford it, you bet they would! And the most ridiculous part of this to me is that they already have guests they want to invite to what is going to be a very budgeted wedding, and they just expect it to happen, but don't want to help pay for said guests.

And yes, I got a little carried away with the "most important day" stuff. It's not THE most important day, and life certainly goes on after the wedding, but is is AN important day. It's a milestone in someone's life, up there with graduating from college and the birth of a first child. A wedding is important. I just want to know the reason that the parents can contribute but don't WANT to.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

How sad that you equate parental love and approval with writing a check. Don't assume other peoples' financial situations. Even your own parents'.

trix1223 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_follow-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c7e63c3-2a04-471d-9854-696e088eabe2Post:2137f2dc-38be-4ade-a724-050b7fcd0373">Re: follow-up</a>:
[QUOTE]Like I said, they don't HAVE to pay for it, and I realize that, but your daughter's wedding is more important than a car or a house. I can see not buying a car for your child when you have the money to do it in order to teach them responsibility, and buying a house for your child is a little weird for me since, at that point, the "child" should be an adult at that point and should be responsible to take care of it on their own. But a wedding? I mean, traditionally, the bride's family pays for the majority of it, and if you know your daughter can't pay for her wedding on her own, but you approve of the marriage, and you have a bunch of guests you want to invite, it's weird to me that said parents don't want to contribute. If they have a reason then ok, but as far as we know, there's no reason, they just don't "want" to. If the parents are wealthy and can totally afford it, why don't they want to contribute financially to the wedding of their daughter? Does the stepmom not like the daughter?!? is there animosity in the relationship between father and daughter? My parents can't afford to contribute anything, and I don't want to ask them because I know they can't, so I've decided to save up for it myself. But if they could afford it, you bet they would! And the most ridiculous part of this to me is that they already have guests they want to invite to what is going to be a very budgeted wedding, and they just expect it to happen, but don't want to help pay for said guests. And yes, I got a little carried away with the "most important day" stuff. It's not THE most important day, and life certainly goes on after the wedding, but is is AN important day. It's a milestone in someone's life, up there with graduating from college and the birth of a first child. A wedding is important. I just want to know the reason that the parents can contribute but don't WANT to. 
Posted by hh581842[/QUOTE]

Perhaps because they have already paid for the child's upbringing, schooling, and now are facing retirement. We are looking at retirement in the next 3-5 years. We've carefully planned, and will be fine (porbably) and even comfortable. But I have to tell you, thinking of a future without an income beyond pensions and investments is more than a little scary for me.

And at that point, our youngest DD (who is the unmarried one) will have a larger salary than we will. We'll be doing for her what we did for our others. We'll be gifting them enough money for a wedding-a modest wedding.

If they want more than that-they can pay. If they want less than that-they keep the money. But do I feel OBLIGATED to pay for the wedding? Absolutely not.

And FWIW: None of my children would dream of asking nor expecting it. We surprised our two older children with our wedding gift, and we'll surprise the youngest as well.

But fortunately they understand what being an adult is all about-and that is taking reponsibility for yourself and not RELYING on mommy and daddy anymore.

hh581842 · March 2010

wow. I knew i was going to get flack for having a different opinion than all of you, but I feel like you're not really listening to what I'm saying and then just making judgements about me.

Bablingbrook: you said, "How sad that you equate parental love and approval with writing a check. Don't assume other peoples' financial situations. Even your own parents'."

--I don't equate parental love and approval with writing a check. Where did i say that if you don't pay for your child's wedding, you don't love your child. That's ridiculous and i never said that! That is not what i'm saying at all. I'm simply saying that if I had the means to gift my child with a wedding, I would do it, especially if I knew that my child couldn't afford it. And that is simply because I want to help provide for my child and give her something to start off her new life with a bang. I'm also not assuming other people's situations!! the OP SAID her parents were wealthy, and I told her that she should sit down with them and discuss the particulars of her upcoming wedding, because maybe there is a reason that they don't want to contribute. And what do you even mean that i shouldn't assume the financial situations of my own parents?!? lol. I KNOW that they can't afford to pay for the wedding that I want so I'm saving up for it. How is that a bad thing? and i'm not assuming, I know for certain that they can't afford to pay for my wedding if they can barely pay the bills. I don't think that's me making a crazy assumption about my parent's financial situation. That's me assessing the facts. LOL.

Stagemanager14--

I explained what i meant by that right after that sentence. Did you even read it? I'm saying that in life significance, I think that a wedding rates higher than a car, and I think it's weird for parents to buy their children houses, so I'm not even considering that one. A wedding has a lot of sentimental significance, and from a traditional perspective, the wedding is where you say goodbye to your daughter, and she starts a new life with her husband. It makes sense to me that parents would want to be involved in that big day. That is what i mean by "important". Sorry if i didn't explain it well.

Trix1223---

Again, did you even read what I wrote? I said, why would the parents not want to help with their daughter's wedding if they had the financial means? then, " it's weird to me that said parents don't want to contribute. If they have a reason then ok, but as far as we know, there's no reason, they just don't "want" to. "

That's the same thing as your saying!! you're saying well, what if they're trying to retire or something? And i'm saying, maybe there's a reason why they can't contribute, and sure, retirement could be one of them. This is why I suggested having Peyton sit down with her father and stepmother and discuss this. I think it would be of value to her to know why they don't want to contribute. If there's a valid reason, then ok, she'll know why, and she'll know it's not just because they don't want to. But as of right now, based on the info she has given us, there is no reason as to why the parents don't want to contribute. Even if there is no valid reason, that doesn't mean the parents are obligated to contribute. I never said they were obligated! Like i have already said like 3 times in my posts, they don't HAVE to contribute a single cent. my question is, if they have the financial means, and there is no underlying reason not to, why wouldn't they want to contribute? And the funniest part about your response to me, is that you are contributing to your children's weddings. No, you're not obligated to do it. Why are you doing it? Because you WANT to. Why don't these parents want to??? That is all that I am asking people!!

And before you start making judgements about me, read my posts in their entirety. I know they're long, but now I'm writing equally long responses to your wild assumptions about me.

hh581842 · March 2010

right, I agree with you, that would be huge, but you're saying "if the parents did such and such thing instead of that thing", i.e. bought a house instead of a wedding. And it's definitely very practical. My sister feels the exact same way lol. Whenever we watch wedding shows like 4 Weddings on WE, her response is always, "40,000!?!? That could be a downpayment on a house!!!!!!" lol I'm in the camp of...I want a pretty princess day! haha. Not so much princess as glam bride day lol. And I certainly won't go into debt doing it, I'll be saving up cash for it, but the point isn't missed on me that I could use the money for other, more practical things. I just....want to though!! lol

But in this situation, the parents aren't saying, "we'll do ____ instead of contributing to your wedding." They just straight up aren't doing anything, and that's a different situation.

hh581842 · March 2010

FIne, "involved" was the wrong word. If you're gonna get picky about every little thing, then let's use "contribute."

And again, I'm not equating money with caring. I never said that. I don't know how many times I have to say that here.

[Deleted User] · March 2010

Good Luck, you will figure it out. Sometimes things just require you to take a step back and think about it for a while.

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