Father Of The Groom's Wife & Ceremony

hulabetty68 · November 2012

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kmmssg · November 2012

I'm a 3 time MOB and I was orphaned as a child so I guess I could understand having his dad light the unit candle tapers.

The picture thing? This is just flat out rude. I guess my first question is what does your husband have to say about this? By your numbers your stepson is at least 35 and should know this is very hurtful.

Did your husband ask his son why you are being intentionally left out?

hulabetty68 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:13644268-fe78-4536-9937-3ca3e0851519">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a 3 time MOB and I was orphaned as a child so I guess I could understand having his dad light the unit candle tapers. The picture thing? This is just flat out rude. I guess my first question is what does your husband have to say about this? By your numbers your stepson is at least 35 and should know this is very hurtful. Did your husband ask his son why you are being intentionally left out?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
My husband is kind of on his side, and can't understand why I'm upset about the pictures - well it's not just the pictures, it's the whole thing. I have been through many things with both of his sons in their life journey, and I feel like if my husband is involved then I should be too. It seems like neither of them see it that way, and I don't undderstand why. As it is I don't belive we are even sitting together for the ceremony. Rehearsal is tomorrow, and I'm not included but was told I can come to the dinner. I don't know if this is coming from my son or his new wife......

freebread03 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:e3bbea09-e189-49d8-80d7-e72f90d69268">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony : My husband is kind of on his side, and can't understand why I'm upset about the pictures - well it's not just the pictures, it's the whole thing. I have been through many things with both of his sons in their life journey, and I feel like if my husband is involved then I should be too. It seems like neither of them see it that way, and I don't undderstand why. <strong>As it is I don't belive we are even sitting together for the ceremony. </strong>Rehearsal is tomorrow, and I'm not included but was told I can come to the dinner. I don't know if this is coming from my son or his new wife......
Posted by hulabetty68[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm so sorry that this couple is being so rude to you! You should be seated with your husband. I hope your husband will stand up for you to his son and his fiance; you've been his his son's life for a very long time, and for him to exclude you as he is is flat out rude IMO. Please make sure your husband knows how hurtful this is to you--he needs to stand up for you, but sometimes men can be a little dense in really "getting" why something is so hurtful or rude.</div>

jessicabessica · November 2012

I would explain to your husband that you would like some photos that include you, so he should talk to his son about that. They can take duplicates of each pose/grouping if they insist on omitting you, so there are at least some that include you. I would expect you would sit with your H at the ceremony. I am not sure how you would participate in the ceremony - I don't know that much about the unity candle, but I would respect your stepson's decision if he wants his dad to do it.

My H's mother passed away nearly 12 years ago. His dad married his stepmom when DH was going off to college, but he's always had a good relationship with her. My SMIL participated in all aspects of the wedding as if she were H's mother - walked down the aisle with H and his dad (Jewish wedding custom), mother-son dance, etc. Not sure if all this is quite normal, as my H is particularly considerate of her feelings and easygoing. However, I do not think it is the bride's place at all to dictate these details. I told my H I would support him however he wanted to handle things.

lindsaynewbride10 · November 2012

This is just all around hurtful. You need to speak directly to your H about this. If anything is to be said to your step-son, it needs to come from him. And I would hope that your H would support you in your feelings about this, because if there’s not some underlying reason why they’re excluding you from the ceremony that you haven’t told us about, this is just flat out mean.

AdeleDazeem · November 2012

I understand the ceremony candle-lighting part - it should be his mother participating, but she has passed so he picked his father. I don't think you have reason to be hurt over that.

The pictures beforehand? That's just rude. You are part of the family and have been for twelve years! Why wouldn't he want you in pictures? I'd talk to your husband about the pictures.

achiduck · November 2012

Ditto everything Joy said.

I lost my mom 14 years ago and had thought long and hard about who I would ask to light my candle (my grandmother, godmother, one of my aunts, etc) but in the end we decided not to do one. I can understand your SS asking your H to light it. It makes sense.

But ya, the photo thing and not seating you with your H for the ceremony is just plain rude. My SM wasn't in all of the pictures but was in a good portion of the family photos.

itzMS · November 2012

Unless there's more to this story, the stepson and his future wife are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of others' feelings. OP, your husband himself is adding to this by not standing up for you.

The coulple doesn't even seat the grooms father with his wife of 12 years?!?!?!

jennylee813 · November 2012

Very rude indeed.

And the unity candle is optional - if they felt awkward about that part of their ceremony since his mom has passed, then it should be left out of the ceremony. It's not required.

StephJean83 · November 2012

I know some people who want to keep the ceremony a surprise, so they don't invite people not directly involved in it to the rehearsal, even if it ends up being a stepparent or SO of a WP member. Like some PPs have said, they could have decided to go with the FOG to represent the grooms family since that is what the candle is to symbolize. They aren't excluding you from the RD, which would be very rude since your H would be there.

Like Stage said, I'm curious as to what pictures they are doing beforehand that you wouldn't be in. Is your H doing anything else in the wedding that leads you to believe you won't be seated by him? When my brother married his first wife, our dad was BM so he stood up by my brother and our mom sat in the pew by me. Will you be sitting up front by the rest of the family or do you believe that you have to sit with the rest of the guests?

MairePoppy · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:13644268-fe78-4536-9937-3ca3e0851519">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a 3 time MOB and I was orphaned as a child so I guess I could understand having his dad light the unit candle tapers. The picture thing? This is just flat out rude. I guess my first question is what does your husband have to say about this? By your numbers your stepson is at least 35 and should know this is very hurtful. Did your husband ask his son why you are being intentionally left out?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

^^THIS^^

Your husband should let his son know that your feelings are hurt about the pictures. There may be a logical explanation. They may be keeping the men and women separate before the wedding so the groom won't see the bride.They may be planning on getting family pictures following the ceremony.

I hope you are wrong about the seating arrangements. You and your husband should be seated together. You should tell your husband that you will not tolerate that public slight. Let him work it out with is son.

melb2013 · November 2012

I agree with all PPs and I completely sympathize. My father has two sons from a previous marriage, but he has been married to my mother for the vast majority of his son's lives. Neither my mom nor I were even invited to my father's son's weddings. It was a terribly messy divorce, so I understand your situation is completely different, but I just thought I'd share. These situations are always difficult and never seem to get easier.

I think your husband needs to step up and defend you. In our case, my mother was hurt she wasn't invited, but thought life would just be a thousand times worse if she asked to be invited- awkward! I think in your situation, your step-son just needs a little reminder that you are a part of his immediate family and should be treated as such.

NYCMercedes · November 2012

Can you explain to your husband how hurt you are and ask him to speak to the son? Could the unity candle thing just be son's way of honoring/remembering his mom?

SKPM · November 2012

Is your step son marrying someone with a connection to NYU? Someone there is known around here for treating stepmothers like second class citizens.

Loopyseven · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:94862e65-c9e4-48d2-b473-7d8f590f3bc1">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand the ceremony candle-lighting part - it should be his mother participating, but she has passed so he picked his father. I don't think you have reason to be hurt over that. The pictures beforehand? That's just rude. You are part of the family and have been for twelve years! Why wouldn't he want you in pictures? I'd talk to your husband about the pictures.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>All of this. And where else would you sit during the ceremony if not with your H. I can understand the unity candle thing as traditionally it's the mothers but I can see substituting his dad since his mom has passed, but when your H sits down in a pew for the ceremony, his butt should be next to yours.</div>

Jen4948 · November 2012

Well, I sympathize with you for the candlelighting thing and the photos, but I'm going to suggest that you do something that I understand will be very hard for you.

Let it go.

Weddings bring up all kinds of hurt feelings about not being included in this or that. But if you express them, I think you may only be subjecting yourself or others to even more hurt feelings. Look at it this way: yes, you may have been close to your stepson but when all is said and done, you aren't his mother and it really probably isn't about you or done with intent to hurt your feelings.

This doesn't mean I think you need to lie down and be a doormat. Not at all. But I do think that before you say anything at all, you should really consider not only what you have to gain from speaking up, but also what you and everyone else have to lose. For example, from this point on, would you only be asked because you have indicated you would have hurt feelings if you weren't, or would you be asked as a true "honor" ? If it's the former, would you really want to push it?

As hurtful as it seems to you to be left out, I think taking the high road and being gracious will limit the day from turning into emotional turmoil as an entirety.

saric83 · November 2012

You not sitting with your husband for the ceremony would be unacceptable, but what makes you think that's even the case?

In regards to the pictures, you should definitely ask your husband to find out which pictures are happening ahead of time. I've been in more than a few weddings where no family group photos were taken ahead of time, but the father of the groom was included in the wedding party photos with just the guys. So they could very well simply be just doing wedding party photos ahead of time and the regular family photos afterwards. Also, your son might want to just hang out with his dad while he's getting ready, and there would be no need for you to be there.

And while I get why you might want to be at the rehearsal, there's nothing you need to rehearse, so I don't think that's a slight on your behalf. This would be a completely different story if they weren't including you in the dinner, but obviously they are.

Before getting upset, you need to back up and find out some more facts.

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:42119fb2-e2fb-4f65-b4f1-05b2d41b3435">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Very rude indeed. <strong>And the unity candle is optional - if they felt awkward about that part of their ceremony since his mom has passed, then it should be left out of the ceremony. It's not required.</strong>
Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]
Obviously, the couple does not feel akward about that part of the ceremony. It's not wrong for the father to light the candle because the mother has passed. <div>
</div><div>The rest is pretty rude. OP, you should speak with your H about ti and see if they are really planning on excluding you completely.</div>

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:2f1a2073-a93c-474a-b787-0d743b927cbe">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony : Your stepson may be nice to you, but not necessarily regard you as a mother. He may think back to the woman who changed his diapers, took him to little league, etc. Why are you "proud" - it seems you did not raise this kid? <strong> I dont know why people are asking whether you wont be seated with your husband. </strong>You many not be in all pictures, but just some. All that would be within normal range.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]
Are you saying it's okay for her not to be seated with her husband?

hulabetty68 · November 2012

I am going to try and let it go - I totally understand that I'm not a mother figure, but I feel as if he is my son. Like I said I don't have any children, and his boys are my sons in my eyes. I don't want to jeopardize what relationship we do have, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by not being included. In my eyes I guess I just figured I would be included somehow.

Thank you all for your insight.....................

crash2729 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:e3bbea09-e189-49d8-80d7-e72f90d69268">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony : My husband is kind of on his side, and can't understand why I'm upset about the pictures - well it's not just the pictures, it's the whole thing. I have been through many things with both of his sons in their life journey, and I feel like if my husband is involved then I should be too. It seems like neither of them see it that way, and I don't undderstand why. <strong>As it is I don't belive we are even sitting together for the ceremony.</strong> Rehearsal is tomorrow, and I'm not included but was told I can come to the dinner. I don't know if this is coming from my son or his new wife......
Posted by hulabetty68[/QUOTE]
NYU-Here.

melb2013 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:2f1a2073-a93c-474a-b787-0d743b927cbe">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony : Your stepson may be nice to you, but not necessarily regard you as a mother. He may think back to the woman who changed his diapers, took him to little league, etc.<strong> Why are you "proud" - it seems you did not raise this kid?</strong> I dont know why people are asking whether you wont be seated with your husband. You many not be in all pictures, but just some. All that would be within normal range.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ouch. She's been in his life as his only mother figure for many years, why should she not be proud? I think it's wonderful when step parents view their step children as their own.</div><div>
</div><div>She 100% should be seated with her husband and included in some family photos.</div>

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:845e9ba8-9771-43eb-b122-d8784f7857e4">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to try and let it go - I totally understand that I'm not a mother figure, but I feel as if he is my son. Like I said I don't have any children, and <strong>his boys are my sons in my eyes.</strong> I don't want to jeopardize what relationship we do have, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by not being included. In my eyes I guess I just figured I would be included somehow. Thank you all for your insight.....................
Posted by hulabetty68[/QUOTE]

But you are not their mother in their eyes, especially if they were already adults when you became part of their lives.

Lisa50 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-the-grooms-wife-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d19049aa-5bdb-4b36-a28d-230975b030ccPost:e3bbea09-e189-49d8-80d7-e72f90d69268">Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Groom's Wife & Ceremony : My husband is kind of on his side, and can't understand why I'm upset about the pictures - well it's not just the pictures, it's the whole thing. I have been through many things with both of his sons in their life journey, and<strong> I feel like if my husband is involved then I should be too</strong>. It seems like neither of them see it that way, and I don't undderstand why. <strong>As it is I don't belive we are even sitting together for the ceremony. Rehearsal is tomorrow, and I'm not included but was told I can come to the dinner.</strong> I don't know if this is coming from my son or his new wife......
Posted by hulabetty68[/QUOTE]

(((HUGS))) I am very sorry you're feeling so bad. I would agree that father of the groom and his wife should be treated as a unit, but I don't understand the unity ceremony anyway, so just let the issue with the photos go. Whatever the matter, you should sit with your husband for the ceremony.

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