Non-negotiables and breaking points.

misscarolb · July 2010

FI and I somehow got onto the subject of what, if anything, there was that was non-negotiable in our relationship.

I said I had two things: religion and kids. If for some reason down the road FI was to change his mind and never want kids or became a devout input-any-religion-here I'd be out.

He thought this was crazy, that we should be able to work through everything. But these are important to me, and he knows where I stand on them so there aren't any surprises.

This isn't to bash my non-negotiables, I understand people might not agree...heck - FI doesn't agree. But Is there anything that is non-negotiable to you?

luckyme502 · July 2010

Um, I'm not sure I have any, but FI says if I ever drink and drive, he would leave me. He says there is no excuse for it, it is irresponsible and dangerous and he would not be able to forgive me. I was kind of shocked.

We talked about it a week later and he agrees that was rather harsh, but he just feels strongly about it.

I should tell you that I rarely drink and have never drank and drove, so I'm not too worried about it actually happening.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

I'm actually the opposite of religion as you are - I could never marry anyone I didn't share a faith with. And it's not that I don't respect people who don't share my faith, that's not it at all - I just couldn't have a relationship as initimate as a marriage or raise kids with someone who didn't share those foundational beliefs.

Not sure if it's the same thing as breaking points or non-negotiables BUT, I do have some deal breakers: You cheat one time? I'm gone. No second chances. You hit me once? See ya. No second chances. I also won't put up with any overbearing or controlling mechanisms of him over me. I say that just because I'm watching my sister in law go through a really tough time with her soon-to-be ex-husband and I'm proud of her for leaving him since he's a controlling and psychotic douche lord.

I also would hope that my husband would take my side and stick up for me. I don't see this as a problem but my mom always talks about how my dad doesn't stick up for her when my dad's mom (my grandma) is nasty to her, etc.

luckyme502 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_non-negotiables-breaking-points?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:53628c08-085c-4104-b170-8162a6ca7c92Post:2767d53b-72b1-43f2-982f-9cf6632140bb">Re: Non-negotiables and breaking points.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually the opposite of religion as you are - I could never marry anyone I didn't share a faith with. And it's not that I don't respect people who don't share my faith, that's not it at all - I just couldn't have a relationship as initimate as a marriage or raise kids with someone who didn't share those foundational beliefs. .
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

That is how I feel about it. I respect everyone's beliefs. But I want to marry someone with the same fundamental beliefs as me. I can't imagine being married to someone who I could never pray with or feel blessed with, not talk about my faith with, or not spend eternity with. I know interfaith couples make it work all the time, but I just don't think I could. I'm Catholic and FI is non denominational Christian, and that is about as far apart with beliefs as I would go.

Blueyed228 · July 2010

Cheating and abuse. It would only have to happen once and I would be out.

ricksang · July 2010

I could not have married someone who smokes (period) and parties too much.
Someone who is a liberal.
Someone who is not okay with being gay
Someone who does not want to travel
Someone who doesn't care to be educated.
Someone with no motivation
Someone who is not an atheist.

kimheartsscott · July 2010

I'm not sure about non-negotiables, per say. But, if Scott up and changed his views on things, while I would be willing to work with him on our differences, I don't know if I could see him as the same person anymore and that could be very damaging.

For example:
"Hey Kim, I was thinking about it and I decided I'm not for gay rights anymore."
"WTF? WHO ARE YOOOOOOOOOOU?!"
*long, drawn out talks and potentially couples counseling*

But much more serious.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Abuse or cheating. Either of those would get his diick in a blender.

There was a time in my life that having another kid was a non negotiable, but now I think I'd be okay if he decided that he didn't want any more.

I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of any right now.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

We've agreed that cheating of any kind--kissing another person, sleeping with someone else, even an emotional affair--would be the end of our relationship. As would abuse of any kind.

On our first date we discussed religion and kids, as we weren't willing to be with someone who had radically different views. I couldn't be with someone who drank or did drugs all the time, and he wouldn't be with a materialistic girl (he defines that as one of those chicks who makes her man pay for everything and buy her expensive stuff every occasion, like diamond jewelry).

future-mrs · July 2010

I'm jumping on the cheating/abuse bandwagon. Definitely non-negotiables. Anything else I think could be worked out.

BecW2be · July 2010

Cheating, abuse and smoking.

Knittibell · July 2010

Cheating. I know some women can get over this and move on, I'm not one of them. If he ever cheated, I'd be gone. But fortunately I don't ever see it happening.

Also, abuse. Adding to that if he had a substance abuse problem and REFUSED help. I'd stand by his side through Hell, but not if someone refuses to get help.He and I agree on this point.

emarston1 · July 2010

I remember telling FI when we first started dating that if he ever hit me, just once, I would be gone with no chance of an explanation. I think abuse would be the only non-negotiable. Everything else I would try to work through.

MarriedInAFever · July 2010

Well, now I'm sad Ricks would never marry me.

My non-negotiables:

--cheating
--physical abuse of any kind
--using drugs

That's really about it. My last serious boyfriend broke one of these and I was GONE quickly.

prideeinpynk · July 2010

Yep, definitely the cheating or abuse. Everything else I feel like we could work through. I'd support him if he suddenly found religion, as long as he was serious about it and didn't push it on me. And we're in agreement on kids, but if he changes his mind no biggie, I'm not 100% set on either option (to have or to not have).

MeaghanandMichael · July 2010

Probably just abuse.
Or something like gambling all our money away.

The cheating thing I might be able to deal with depending on the circumstances.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Also, cooking fish in our home. That will never be something I am okay with.

MarriedInAFever · July 2010

DAMNIT. Neither Ricks or Cew would marry me!

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I could maybe handle cheating if he fessed up right away and it was a one-time thing (I'm not saying I would pooh-pooh it, but I can see being worked out).

Abuse, on the other hand, is a one shot deal. You lay a hand on me and that's it. The same goes for drug abuse (like, hard drugs. Not weed).

As for religion, I'm a reformed Jew and my BF is half-Jewish and half-Christian, but both of his parents are Born-Again Christians. I don't really get involved in that, but we have both decided that we would raise our children Jewish, with some cultural Christian things (like a XMas tree, but that's become pretty secular nowadays).

SarahPLiz · July 2010

Cheating and abuse are my deal breakers. All the rest of those compatibility issues were worked out for us by E-Harmony, long before we met, including how wer feel about faith in gerenal, and our specific beliefs, or lack thereof.

Celles · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_non-negotiables-breaking-points?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:53628c08-085c-4104-b170-8162a6ca7c92Post:35741947-58b5-4bd5-a233-9213c49f9896">Re: Non-negotiables and breaking points.</a>:
[QUOTE]Cheating, abuse and smoking.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

This.

The religion thing is hard. If he were a practicing Catholic, I don't think I could do it. I'd definitely prefer to be with another atheist.

I think he knows that. And I think that's why he tells me he doesn't believe in a personal God, but maintains that he has too much respect for the traditions he was raised with to sever ties to his religion or identify as anything other than a Catholic.

He respects my beliefs but I don't respect his. This is a big issue for us, and sometimes I worry it will eventually drive us apart.

september's bride · July 2010

I don't necessarily believe that two people have to always share the same beliefs, but I do believe there has to be a mutual respect for each other's way of thinking.

If my spouse outright said that he didn't respect my beliefs, that would be my dealbreaker. That (to me) isn't something to build a marriage on.

JoyTate1 · July 2010

besides the cheating and abuse thing, I would have to say not supporting gay rights. Half my family is gay. In fact, my uncle just married his partner of 25 years this last weekend in DC. If you can't support my family, I can't be with you.

Steph0871 · July 2010

Abuse and smoking.

Obviously not a fan of cheating either, but like PPs said- if it's a one time thing and he fessed up, there's a possibility of us working through it. We've both been cheated on in the past, so we both know how much it sucks.

missy68 · July 2010

Lying (which would include cheating) and abuse. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive - J knows this. He knows my trigger points. Unfortunately, I still have some anger issues. He was able to deal with his a while back, when he realized it didn't solve the problem. I want to learn that from him.

He isn't an atheist, but he has issues with organized religion because of things he saw in the church he went to growing up and people taking the Bible word-for-word, instead of seeing it as a guide. It's an interpretation, written by a man, and translated from an ancient language into many other languages many many times. He didn't mind having a religious ceremony, but it was a "mildly" religious ceremony. We had a scripture reading and a prayer. I don't think the religous differences between us is a big factor.

stephl3055 · July 2010

- Any type of abuse
- Smoking/drugs/excessive drinking
- Drinking and driving

- Cheating (even emotional)

katiewhompus · July 2010

Cheating and abuse.
I would probably try to work it out if he was caught cheating if it was a one time thing, but at that point I would have lost so much trust in him I don't think it would have worked. When my past bf's cheated on me I didn't get angry, I just spiralled into a horrible depression about why I wasn't good enough, I'm not doing that again.
If any of these happened I would also make him go to counselling and get a medical examination, because that is not something he would do if he were in a right mind.

- if he were AGAINST gay rights
- if he were AGAINST animal rights
- if he were AGAINST adoption

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

Like KatieWhompus, cheating and abuse. Either one and I would leave. I'm 99% sure of it.

FI and I were raised in different religions, so we're still looking for something that works for us together. He'd prefer we raise our children Catholic, I would prefer we didn't. Thankfully it isn't a non-negotiable for either of us.

tonyscutieest09 · July 2010

My breaking points are:

Alcohol Abuse
Domestic Violence
Child Abuse

FI knows these and understands why I feel so strongly about them.

Celles · July 2010

I want to continue the religious conversation but I'm not sure it's safe on a message board that has Free Flame Wednesdays.

I think it's interesting that someone made a distinction between physical and emotional cheating. I was just talking to FI about that the other day. He feels that physical cheating is worse than emotional cheating, but I feel the opposite.

Assuming that we're representative of our respective genders, I suppose that's evolutionary psychology at work. Biologically, males are driven to procreate and females to nurture, so it makes sense that men (in general) would find sleeping around worse -- because it could lead to the propagation of genes other than their own -- while women are more concerned with a loss of emotional (and physical and financial) support.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · July 2010

I wouldn't mind a mature adult religious conversation, Celles.

The cheating though - honestly I feel like emotional cheating and physical cheating are pretty close to being the same thing. Others feel like keeping any relationship a secret - like a harmless flirtation with a co-worker all the way to an online relationship - is cheating. My aunt actually thinks that if her husband watches porn without her, then that's cheating.

But as long as you make your ideas of cheating known to your SO - they know it.

Non-negotiables and breaking points.

Re: Non-negotiables and breaking points.

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