It went kind of like this:
Him: So I see that you've been having trouble getting pregnant.
Me: Whuh? No. I'm unhappy with my birth control, and would like to discuss other options with you.
Him: Okay... what's making you so unhappy with it?
Me: Oh, the usual, weight gain, low libido, dryness, screwy skin, and frequent headaches and nausea. I'd like to stop taking hormonal birth control altogether and try something different, and I'd like your help with it.
Him: Weight gain? But you're on the pill. I've never heard of anyone gaining weight on the pill. Are you sure you're exercising and watching your diet?
Me: You've never heard of the pill causing weight gain? That's probably the one side effect everyone has taking the pill, in the history of everyone who has ever taken the pill. How have you not heard of this?
Him: Well, no one has complained about it to me. And I don't think it should be affecting your libido, either.
Me: Of course it does. It does all of that, just like pregancy does. That's how the pill works, by fooling your body into thinking you're pregnant.
Him: *skeptical look* Have you been taking your vitamins?
Me: *dismissive hand wave* We're getting off topic. Anyway, I'd like to try FAM. Are you familiar with this method?
Him: Yes, it's the rhythm method. It has a really high failure rate.
Me: No, not the rhythm method. FAM. The symptothermal method where you check your cervical position, cervical fluid, and basal body temperature to determine when you're ferile. My husband and I would like to try that, with abstaining during the fertile periods, and using some sort of backup even when I think I'm infertile to reduce the failure due to human error.
Him: Yes, yes, that one. Well, you know, that fails a lot, since it depends on your periods being regular, and counting ovulation fourteen days from your last period as your fertile time. Sometimes that varies.
Me: *suspicious look* Are you SURE you're familiar with FAM? Because that's not the way it works at all.
Him: Yes, yes, it's what the Catholics use. You know those Catholics, they love their gambling. Anyway, I think you should still use hormonal birth control. Here is a month's free supply of a different pill. And also take this prescription for a blood test to get your thyroid checked for the cause of the weight gain, since I don't think the pill should cause that.
Me: *head tilt* I'll consider it. Thanks for your time.
Medical assistant: That will be $20.
Me: No. I didn't get examined. This was just a consultation.
Medical assistant: Those get billed the same way as regular appointments.
Me: For a conversation? I'm pretty sure only therapists get to do that.
Medical assistant: I've charged it to your flex spending on your insurance card, okay?
Me: Well, at least I'm glad I opted for on-street parking instead of your pay lot.
I'm still so annoyed that even Kuusmas music isn't helping.
