Wedding Etiquette Forum

NER: Registry issues with FI

Our wedding is in June, so we haven't registered yet, but the subject came up the other day.  FI doesn't seem to understand why I want to register for certain things (towels, sheets, kitchen supplies) because "we already have those."  I nicely explained that our towels will old and worn out, and it's always nice to have extra sets of sheets, especially for when we get a house and furnish extra bedrooms.  And as far as the kitchen stuff, I'm the one that does 99% of the cooking and the majority of our kitchen supplies came from FI's mom (he moved into his condo 6 months before we even met).  The stuff his mom bought him isn't bad and I've been using it for the 2 years we have lived together, but being that I am the main cook in the house there are certain brands I like to use and would like to upgrade some of our kitchen tools.  But he still doesn't seem to get it.  I'm worried that when it actually comes time to register he's going to shoot down a lot of the stuff I want to get. 

So what do I do?  Add to the registry later on when he's not with me?  I know that's super deceitful, but I think it's pretty stupid for us to have buy new towels and sheets and for me to restock our kitchen over time with stuff I want (which he probably wouldn't realize if I did purchase new kitchen stuff on my own since he's not very kitchen involved) when there is an opportunity to give our guests a chance to purchase those things for us so we'll have them on hand already when they are needed. 

so, any advice?  I don't think this is necessary about poor communication, as it's not like we had an argument over it or anything, he just doesn't see a need to ask for things that we already have, even if those are things that will wear out over time and need to be replaced.

Re: NER: Registry issues with FI

  • Ask him to make a list of items he would like added to the registry and you also make your own. This way he has a say in whats on there and feels included. Since you mentioned you do all of the cooking then he shouldn't have much of a say on the kitchen utensils. Most guys don't even know what some of those gadgets are, I know mine wouldn't.
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  • Have you asked FI what type of things he wants to register for?

    I went on one registering trip by myself.  I wanted to make sure our house reflected both of our styles, so the things that styled our home were the things he also had 100% say over, ie, the bedding set, shower curtain, art, etc.

    If the kitchen is "your domain" in the house, I would explain that since you are the one that cooks the majority of the time, you would like to upgrade certain things.  Maybe he feels uncomfortable replacing things so quickly that his mom spent time and money picking out for him.  Perhaps ask him that you can register for these things by yourself.
  • You may want to tell him that many guests like giving boxed gifts and that you'd rather make sure that you've registered for things you want to try to reduce the number of random gifts that you don't.
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  • I had a similar issue with my fiance, where he felt uncomfortable just registering in general for things that cost more than $50. Explain to him why it's important, both from a perspective of you don't want random gifts that you have to return and that it's nice to pull out that roasting pan for thanksgiving in 10 years and think about how your Grandma gave it to you (or some other sentimental line). Also let him pick things out that he may want (this could be easy or hard depending on what stores you end up registering at) and play with the gun. He'll come around. 
  • Do any of the stores in your area do registry events? We went to two crate and barrel and Williams Sonoma and they both offered great registry advice. I know Macy's does events too. But maybe bringing him to one of those events, where an "expert" is explaining why you'd want to do these things, and he could commiserate with the other guys there would help?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:37cd68ac-51f1-4c5d-af4b-12c123b69006">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: Registry issues with FI : Ha, my H does most of our cooking and he picked out all the kitchen stuff :-) OP, <strong>maybe once you are in the store he will see things he wants, and then maybe he'll understand where you're coming from.  Also, maybe he will be more into it if you let him use the gun.</strong>
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

    This happened to us. He saw absolutely no need to register since we had been cooking together in our kitchen for 3 years. It was all old cheap stuff from college that I hated but he saw no problem with.
    To be nice, he went with me and said we could register for some stuff, but once we were there, his demeanor completely changed.
    His brother is 15 years older than him and already has a nice, established household. He would see something and be like, 'OH I've seen 'brother' use this, we need this.' 'Oh, we definitely need one of these, it's just like 'brother!'
    It was like he didn't realize how much we just 'got by' in the kitchen until he saw everything we didn't have. Now that we have most of the things we registered for, he's so happy that we did it, and he was really happy to be involved in having a 'grown up' kitchen.
  • I had the same convo with my FI before we went to register and even some while we were registering. The boy wore the same pair of shoes every day for four years before I convinced him that his feet and back hurt all the time because he needed new shoes so registering for things we already had baffled him. It took some convinving, but like PP, once he realized that these would be upgrades he was pretty excited. He was even excited about the quilt we got from my shower the other day that he originally hadn't wanted to register for.

    He also got excited at the prospect of getting to pick things out without really having to look at the price tag. My FI is such a penny-pincher that if I let him, he'd use the same $1plastic plates from Wal-mart until they were no longer a suitable shape and size to be used as a plate. But when he saw something nice he wanted at Target or BB&B, He'd be like "Oh, I like that." and I'd tell him to scan it and it made him happy.

    Also perhaps give him the scanner gun. For some reason that made FI unfathomably happy.
  • Registering for something doesn't mean that guests are forced to purchase it. DH & I registered for absolutely everything due to a larger guest list and multiple price ranges.

    We have a house and had most everything we "need" (mostly in the form of hand-me-downs or basic Target/Kohls items), but saw no harm in registering for replacement items that could last for a lifetime.

    If you're planning on having Bridal Showers, a diverse registry is absolutely essential. Case in point, a friend of mine who didn't register but still had bridal showers received no less than 4 George Foreman grills.
  • Thanks for all the responses.  I definitely will let him take hold of the gun and I think that maybe once he realizes I'm going to let him register for stuff he wants (tools, mostly) that it's only fair for me to be able to pick out a new blender, toaster, towels, ect.  There is no issue with registering for stuff we don't have, he will be fine that, it's the upgrading that apparently seems to be hard for him to wrap his head around.  Like other posters said he is fine with "just getting by" with the basic things we have that came from walmart and hopefully once he realizes that we can register for some nicer things he will come around. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:34538274-85a4-4beb-abf1-f877f1bc36a9">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ask him to make a list of items he would like added to the registry and you also make your own. This way he has a say in whats on there and feels included. Since you mentioned you do all of the cooking then he shouldn't have much of a say on the kitchen utensils. <strong>Most guys don't even know what some of those gadgets are, I know mine wouldn't.</strong>
    Posted by AMYM312[/QUOTE]

    Unless you are married to a chef like I am.  I'm lucky he even pretends to let me offer an opinion on a kitchen gadget. 

    (kidding,  but the kitchen is 100% his domain.  Except the dishwasher, he seems to forget that even exists.)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Let him know if you don't register for stuff you like, you will end up with a bunch of crap you have no use for, and then money has truly been wasted.  Does he like tools?  I would make the comparison that quality tools to get the job done makes all the difference.

    Lucky for me, my husband likes to cook and loves to go to Crate & Barrel and the nice kitchen store in town.
  • edited November 2012
    You are supposed to register for double the amount of gifts for however many people are going.  Sorry if thats confusing so..... 150 invited guests register for 300 gifts.  This way there is a variety of price ranges for your guests to choose from!Smile
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:7cedebe9-289b-4402-b11b-5663bfa8b82e">NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our wedding is in June, so we haven't registered yet, but the subject came up the other day.  FI doesn't seem to understand why I want to register for certain things (towels, sheets, kitchen supplies) because "we already have those."  I nicely explained that our towels will old and worn out, and it's always nice to have extra sets of sheets, especially for when we get a house and furnish extra bedrooms.  And as far as the kitchen stuff, I'm the one that does 99% of the cooking and the majority of our kitchen supplies came from FI's mom (he moved into his condo 6 months before we even met).  The stuff his mom bought him isn't bad and I've been using it for the 2 years we have lived together, but being that I am the main cook in the house there are certain brands I like to use and would like to upgrade some of our kitchen tools.  But he still doesn't seem to get it.  I'm worried that when it actually comes time to register he's going to shoot down a lot of the stuff I want to get.  <strong>So what do I do?  Add to the registry later on when he's not with me?</strong> <strong> <u>I know that's super deceitful</u></strong>, but I think it's pretty stupid for us to have buy new towels and sheets and for me to restock our kitchen over time with stuff I want (which he probably wouldn't realize if I did purchase new kitchen stuff on my own since he's not very kitchen involved) when there is an opportunity to give our guests a chance to purchase those things for us so we'll have them on hand already when they are needed.  so, any advice?  I don't think this is necessary about poor communication, as it's not like we had an argument over it or anything, he just doesn't see a need to ask for things that we already have, even if those are things that will wear out over time and need to be replaced.
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]


    I think PPs gave you great advice.  talk to him, take him to a registry event.  Give him control of the registry gun, etc.   The only thing I want to add is a comment on the bold/underlined part of your post.  If you know something is deceitful, even if you don't think it's a big deal, don't do it.   You don't think he will end up figuring out that you registered for a bunch of kitchen stuff and towels when you get those as gifts later?    Lying or deceiving your partner, even over something trivial, is never a good way to start a marriage.
  • All I had to do was tell my FI I wanted to register in-store, and he was like, "SHOPPING?! No, no. Put whatever you want on any registries." 
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  • FI and I talked about what we both wanted to register for ahead of time, knowing that we wouldn't get everything and some things we would use our registry completion discounts for. He made a list of the things that were important to him (the Soda Stream, Deep Dish pizza baking kit, nice cutlery, etc) and I made a list of the stuff I wanted to upgrade or get (ie stand mixer, good quality cookware, wine areator, etc).

    Things like plates, sheets, towels, cutlery, glasses, etc we picked out together. Things like cookware, the stand mixer and other kitchen tools that I really wanted I picked out myself. I went back to the store another time on my own to pick out things that H really didn't care about so he wouldn't have to be there longer than necessary. It all worked out fine that way and we both got what we wanted.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:2092e020-8306-48df-895f-a9e9ae4edc53">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NER: Registry issues with FI : I think PPs gave you great advice.  talk to him, take him to a registry event.  Give him control of the registry gun, etc.   The only thing I want to add is a comment on the bold/underlined part of your post.  If you know something is deceitful, even if you don't think it's a big deal, don't do it.   You don't think he will end up figuring out that you registered for a bunch of kitchen stuff and towels when you get those as gifts later?    Lying or deceiving your partner, even over something trivial, is never a good way to start a marriage.
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    I never said I would go behind his back like that.  But, knowing what happened with this board over the past few months I didn't want to see a bunch of responses from new people saying things like "just put stuff on when he's not looking, etc."  Sorry if what I wrote read the wrong way, but I was just trying to put it out there I knew going behind his back would be deceitful, never that I would go ahead and do it knowing full well it was wrong.
  • And also then, would it be ok if we went on one shopping trip together and then I tell him another day that I'm going back to the store (or website) or a second store to add more stuff that he wouldn't care so much about like PP's have mentioned they did?  I still feel like that would be going behind his back, but again, our wedding list is 200 people so we have to make sure we not only have enough items but that we have vary price points as others have mentioned.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:38d7c970-9510-4bee-8e99-ed4c0f51fdfc">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: Registry issues with FI : I never said I would go behind his back like that.  But, knowing what happened with this board over the past few months I didn't want to see a bunch of responses from new people saying things like "just put stuff on when he's not looking, etc."  Sorry if what I wrote read the wrong way, but I was just trying to put it out there I knew going behind his back would be deceitful, never that I would go ahead and do it knowing full well it was wrong.
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    Well, you acknowledged that what you were doing was deceitful, so I'm not sure how else that could have been perceived.  But, I think as long as he knows what you are doing, then there is nothing wrong with you doing it by yourself.

    For example... the difference is:  "hey honey, let's get a bunch of stuff registered, and then I'll go to finish registering for stuff online later.  Is that alright, or do you want to be involved in that process as well?"  and saying "ok, lets go register.  The end".   And then you go and register for a bunch more stuff that you already know he doesn't want you to register for.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:d587937f-f47a-4e2f-8093-00bac928adbf">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]And also then, would it be ok if we went on one shopping trip together and then I tell him another day that I'm going back to the store (or website) or a second store to add more stuff that he wouldn't care so much about like PP's have mentioned they did?  I still feel like that would be going behind his back, but again, our wedding list is 200 people so we have to make sure we not only have enough items but that we have vary price points as others have mentioned.
    Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes this is what we did.  FI and I looked at reviews of items online - ok, I read the reviews and then sent him basically my top 3 choices and he picked from there.  Then we went in-store and confirmed it was what we wanted while we had the scan gun in hand.  I returned later to do things like holding various items next to each other to check for colors, etc - stuff he has no patience for.  Turns out he had extremely strong opinions on some funny things... when I told him that yes, he could have the towels from pottery barn as long as I got to make sure the color would work in our bathroom, his eyes lit up like a little kid and christmas and said, "if we get these, I will feel like we have arrived."  Who knew?</div><div>
    </div><div>We tended to either compromise like with the towels (he picked brand, I pick color or vice versa) or else have one of us guide and direct in a certain area with the other having veto power.  He was the one who really researched knives - I just vetoed the sets that I thought would cut me because they felt unweildy.  And I really controlled the tablewares part of our registry with the china, crystal, and silver, but I basically sent him my top 5 or 6 choices and had him veto any he really hated.  The veto worked really well for us.</div><div>
    </div><div>He also LOVED the scan gun and got into it when he got to use it at Macy's.</div>
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  • I went registering with my Husband, and there were a few things he didn't see a point in (mini casserole dishes from Le Creuset, a nice set of placemats, etc) - he was really into keeping it extremely practical. I explained to him that a lot of people weren't going to be interested in buying us a new spatula, they would want to buy the pretty utensil crock that we would have on our counter forever or the mini casseroles that I would bake with and serve with for years to come and at least this way we would get things that suit our taste. I also mentioned that I have a much larger family than he does and a lot of women would be coming to my shower and would want to bring gifts because that's what you do at a shower. He understood once I explained these things to him, and I added my pretty things after our initial trip. I still had him glance at the registry when I was done to make sure he didn't hate anything.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-registry-issues-with-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ded9a66-39c0-44f7-b09d-f3fd1937f005Post:ee0f7679-d89f-4829-9f55-028533cbe0ab">Re: NER: Registry issues with FI</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER: Registry issues with FI : <strong>Well, you acknowledged that what you were doing was deceitful, so I'm not sure how else that could have been perceived.  </strong>But, I think as long as he knows what you are doing, then there is nothing wrong with you doing it by yourself. For example... the difference is:  "hey honey, let's get a bunch of stuff registered, and then I'll go to finish registering for stuff online later.  Is that alright, or do you want to be involved in that process as well?"  and saying "ok, lets go register.  The end".   And then you go and register for a bunch more stuff that you already know he doesn't want you to register for.
    Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

    But I never did it.  As I said in my original post, we haven't registered yet and we wont' be until probably march or so.  And since you were the first the first person out of all the responses to bring up that line, I would think that it wasn't perceived by anyone else the way that you perceived it.......because I'm sure if it was I would have been flamed for it right from the getgo.  I've lurked enough where I know that bad ideas will never be validated and know well enough to never post something that is wrong but I am looking to see validated.  It was more of an exasperated statement, like a good grief to do that would be totally wrong and I would never do it but are there other options.  Hence why I asked other for suggestions on how to approach it. 
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