Ok, Ladies, What Would You Do?

lv2011 · May 2012

I posted a bit on this awhile ago, but it's still really bothering FI and I. Quick recap: FI and I are both Catholic and sincerely want to get married in the church. However, previous marriage annulment process is taking longer that originally estimated, meaning we won't be able to get married there on our date of October 20th...unless it miraculously goes through faster. It's really heart-breaking. It's what we wanted and planned. That said, neither of us want to change our date because the process outcome is nebulous. So, what would you do? Change your wedding date to some unforseen time in the future to have the ceremony you always wanted, with a possibility that it still may not happen? Or, change your beloved ceremony plans to something that will work on the date you have, even though it feels drastically different than what you wanted?

We do have a back-up plan sort-of going, just in case, but we're really torn. Can you tell that neither of us handles changes in plan well

We both know that at the end of whatever day, the ultimate goal of being married to eachother will be met. Just trying to determine if we can live with the regret.

All advice appreciated! Thanks!

violakat03 · May 2012

IMO, you should never have regrets about your day. If it takes moving it back to keep you from having regrets that you know you will have, then move your date. You don't want to look back ten years from now and the only thing you remember from your wedding day is that it wasn't what you wanted.

BMBrinson · May 2012

I agree with PP. You both need to decide what is more important to the two of you...the possible wedding in the church or the date. I hope things work out for you two!

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

I agree that if the church wedding is what you both want, you should postpone. Good luck!

lv2011 · May 2012

Even though we could be waiting for nothing? That's the part that really gets us: we don't know if we ever will get to be married in the church. If we don't wait, then the church won't recognize our marriage as valid, which sucks. If the annulment doesn't go through, they still wouldn't view any marriage as valid and we wouldn't be allowed to marry in the church regardless of how long we wait. If the annulment does go through, then we can have our marriage "validated" in the church later (after our current date). I'm just confused. FI doesn't want to change the date no matter what, and I'm still torn and trying to adjust.

aimee58 · May 2012

I say that you should decide what's most important to you. I agree that the annulment process is lengthy and there's no real time frame to base your date on. You can get a convalidation, which is essentially the church recognizing that you are married, after the wedding date.

mrshall1027 · May 2012

I would continue planning and going through the process with the church and hope that it all gets done by the time you need to send out invitations. Just keep your date since your FI wants to keep it and have the Plan B there as a back up. It doesn't seem like you really want to change your date or wait to see what the church decides on.

lv2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_ok-ladies-what-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:46af4036-e002-404f-a005-09bb094105cePost:d9137443-5557-4e36-9a7f-a4993cf67eda">Re: Ok, Ladies, What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would continue planning and going through the process with the church and hope that it all gets done by the time you need to send out invitations. Just keep your date since your FI wants to keep it and have the Plan B there as a back up. <strong>It doesn't seem like you really want to change your date or wait to see what the church decides on</strong>.
Posted by ystaalenburg[/QUOTE]

Very true. As PP mentioned, a convalidation is an option at a later date if it goes through, and neither of us wants to change the date (FI more adamant on this). I guess it's just hard letting go of the dream. But with a date of October 20th, and the diocese saying the rest of the process takes 6-9 months, waiting to see if it happens when we need it to doesn't feel like an option.

fishinflagrl · May 2012

My honest opinion? I would seriously be concerned about waiting and not knowing when I can set my wedding date. Everything is up in the air until you pick a date and time. I would stick to my date and pray that things work out...not sure about church stuff...but sounds like the other girls think you can do the validation after the wedding. Ultimately, this is your decision...its your big day. I wish you luck with your decision.

trawas01 · May 2012

My opinion: Annulments and the whole process involved in it annoys me.

But then I have some personal history since the church wouldn't marry my sister and her husband since he was divorced. He wouldn't get an annulment as he has two children from his previous marriage and none of us could stomach the thought of what his two boys would think when the church said oh sure your parent's marriage never happened. K, I'll stop ranting.

You need to do whats best for you and see what you value most. If having that paper work out of the way first matters to you, then you need to wait to plan. If being married now, in your eyes is enough then go through with it. But I agree with above, you shouldn't compromise, try to determine whats most important and take it from there.

jenny&will2014 · May 2012

if possible what about having it outside at your church? Can you do that? I know alot of churchs have gardens or something that are beautiful. good luck in whatever you choose and remember it is about you and what you want.

minionlover · May 2012

I think you really need to think about what you want most, the church ceremony or the date. FI wants to get an annulment also and we have decided that the date is more important. Once he does all of the paperwork for it, we will have a ceremony at the church.

violakat03 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_ok-ladies-what-would-you-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:46af4036-e002-404f-a005-09bb094105cePost:d8ad7e35-d308-4b66-bf8c-753b5f100b41">Re: Ok, Ladies, What Would You Do?</a>:
[QUOTE]if possible what about having it outside at your church? Can you do that? I know alot of churchs have gardens or something that are beautiful. good luck in whatever you choose and remember it is about you and what you want. :)
Posted by jenny&will2014[/QUOTE]

Catholic churches are very particular about ceremonies. As far as I know, you cannot get married outdoors and have a Catholic ceremony. I think the concern here is that there are only two options in this situation: a full mass (meaning the annulment has to be completed) or no Catholic ceremony at all.

To the OP, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I think it's something you and your FI really need to work out. It sounds like he's willing to skip the Catholic ceremony in order to keep your date, but you're the other way around. One of you will have to compromise, but you both need to work it out between yourselves as to which compromise you will be able to live with. It makes me sad to think that you'd be giving up the wedding you've always dreamed of.

goatlady12 · May 2012

Did you look into having your marriage blessed after the fact? I know the Catholic church does that.

irishangieb · May 2012

I agree with most of the posts in saying deciding what's most important is..well, most important. It sounds like changing your date isn't an option fr your FI but, if waiting to be able to have a catholic ceremony is that important to you, then maybe he would change his mind. In my experince, we had to wait for my annullment to go through and it seemed like it was drne months before they said it would be. I know that depending on how the first marriage was done affects the length of time it will take to go through. "Out of form" meaning the first marriage wasn't in a church ie. Intoxicated at a las vegas 24 hr marriage chapel

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