2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??

rosecachola · December 2011

I was coerced into having my first marriage by my parents because I was pregnant, I was only 16. We didn't have a real wedding or anything, it was lame and we ended up at some Country Harvest Buffet for the "reception".

We lived together for maybe about 6 months to a year, we were always broke and he never worked (collected welfare) and he used to abuse me.

Anyways, shortly after that I left him and stayed away. It took me over 10 years to get my life right (going back to school, college graduate, and landing a great job) Now that my life is back on track I was LUCKY to have met a real good man, who loves me and cares for me and my child. I never had a real wedding and I dream of this.

My Mom claims its the "devil" working in me, I shouldn't get married because its against GODS law and its not honorable to have a 2nd wedding. Because of this I am motivated to have a beautiful wedding and show everyone you can have a 2nd chance at real happiness. Until my Mom apologizes for her obscene outbursts, I have no interest in her attending. Any advice of what kinda etiquette should I show or provide for a 2nd wedding? Support or kind words are always and definitely appreciated.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

It's been more than a decade since your first wedding- I think you're safe to plan however large an event as you like without worrying.

I'm planning my second wedding at present. I'm not inviting anyone who was present at my first whom I haven't seen or spoken to since then.

kmmssg · December 2011

Agree with the others. You plan and host this wedding as you would any other wedding.

I think I'm familiar with your mom's thought process here. Is she saying this is wrong because there were no scriptural grounds for your divorce? Could be wrong here but that did come to mind.

If I'm on the right track with your mom, you aren't going to change her thought process. You can have a calm discussion with her and see if she will come around, but if she is set in this thinking you will have to keep your expectations of her low, and plan the wedding you and FI want.

LaceyH13 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:5166832d-8ab0-4ab3-bd59-c6b05aa0599b">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with the others. You plan and host this wedding as you would any other wedding. I think I'm familiar with your mom's thought process here. Is she saying this is wrong<strong> because there were no scriptural grounds for your divorce?</strong> Could be wrong here but that did come to mind. If I'm on the right track with your mom, you aren't going to change her thought process. You can have a calm discussion with her and see if she will come around, but if she is set in this thinking you will have to keep your expectations of her low, and plan the wedding you and FI want.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I get what you are saying here, and I think you are dead-on. But hopefully this is not the case, because even though all religions and sects vary on what they might consider scripturally "okay" grounds for divorce, surely all of them consider abuse as a good enough reason to leave a marriage?

You are totally right in not being able to change her thought process - my family is similar. OP, I'm so glad you have found someone who treats you like you should be treated, and I hope you enjoy the day you have with your new husband!

kmmssg · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:55951863-f9d0-45aa-bd51-ca3bd4a54999">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss?? : I get what you are saying here, and I think you are dead-on. But hopefully this is not the case, because even though all religions and sects vary on what they might consider scripturally "okay" grounds for divorce, surely all of them consider abuse as a good enough reason to leave a marriage? You are totally right in not being able to change her thought process - my family is similar. OP, I'm so glad you have found someone who treats you like you should be treated, and I hope you enjoy the day you have with your new husband!
Posted by LaceyH13[/QUOTE]

I would certainly hope all religions would recognize abuse as grounds for divorce!

chrmun · December 2011

Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.

ski2play · December 2011

Have the wedding of your dreams. It is okay. Invite your mom if you feel she can put it all aside and be respectful of your wishes. Have fun with it, you are truly lucky to have found someone who wants to take care of you and your child.

sarahlm619 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:4a313f13-1bf2-4827-9d6b-1ff2a095299e">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

Man I wish there was a "like" button on TK!!!

acaponi87 · December 2011

Go big if you want to! There is nothing wrong with that. I'm glad you've worked so hard and are so happy now!

GretchenLaRoux · December 2011

Host your guests just as you would if it were your first wedding-- feed them, allow them to bring their spouses, don't charge them for booze, etc. Just, you know, don't be rude, basically.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE]My Mom claims its the "devil" working in me, I shouldn't get married because its against GODS law and its not honorable to have a 2nd wedding. Because of this I am motivated to have a beautiful wedding and show everyone you can have a 2nd chance at real happiness. [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.

</div>

MyNameIsNot · December 2011

Your mom is crazy. People get divorced, widowed, whatever and re-married all the time. The idea that your second wedding shouldn't be a big event died when divorce became commonplace.

Although you did have a real wedding the first time around, it wasn't the traditional wedding of your dreams. It's fine to have that traditional wedding this time around. If your mother doesn't support your marriage to husband #2, don't invite her. (But give a lot of thought to how that will affect your relationship with her.)

People might start to look at you strange if you have a series of big weddings, but in light of your circumstances and history, no one reasonable is going to give you the side eye for having the wedding of your dreams.

LaceyH13 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:546ef94a-a0ea-4d91-a26f-c914ea60c4be">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work. Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. <strong> The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.
</strong>Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

I completely respect the rights of anyone to believe what they wish to believe, but this is very sad to me. I just have a hard time coping with the fact that someone would feel unworthy of a happy and healthy second marriage just because the spouse of their first marriage chose to be abusive. I hope that this doesn't keep people of the Catholic faith from getting out of unhealthy relationships.

ski2play · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:4a313f13-1bf2-4827-9d6b-1ff2a095299e">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

love, love, love this!

Bec20 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:546ef94a-a0ea-4d91-a26f-c914ea60c4be">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]A beautiful spectacle is not going to change your mom's mind. Get married the way you and your new FI want, not the way you think will win her over. And best wishes to you - my aunt has been married 20+ years to her second husband, after leaving the abusive husband of her childhood. It can work. Oh, and PPs - not all religions recognize divorce, even in cases of abuse. I was raised Catholic, and I know that unless you qualify for an annulment (declaring the "marriage" as never having been valid in the first place) they will not consecrate a remarriage. The Catholic church allows no divorce of a valid marriage for ANY reason.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The divorce thing is true, but this poster would qualify for an annulment if she was coerced into the wedding in the first place. I also think that the person would probably qualify for an annulment under the issue of abuse, because the abusive spouce obviously didn't mean their vows to love, honour, and cherish their partner.

</div>

CFM102012 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:4a313f13-1bf2-4827-9d6b-1ff2a095299e">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>TK definitely needs a "Like" or "Love" button.

</div>

57rainbows · December 2011

If your mother is upset about the divorce from a Biblical perspective, I'd be happy to provide scriptures that essentially state if your spouse has slept with someone else it's okay to divorce them, and I'm pretty sure re-marry. Probably wouldn't help but I'm just throwing it out there because if she's coming at it from a perspective of "The Bible says it's wrong", the Bible itself might be a great thing to reference. And I understand that you left your ex because of abuse not infidelity but I'm sure by now, 10 yrs later, he's been with other women.

In any case, I vote for not letting the focus be on your mom. And by that I mean, don't make decisions based on what she will or won't like, don't try to prove her wrong, don't worry about her. She's clearly not supportive of this marriage, but you're obviously going to do it anyway, so do it for yourself and your future husband and your child. Not for your mom, or to push against your mom. Just leave her out entirely from your reasons for doing things any particular way.

Also, definitely don't worry about having a big traditional wedding if that's what you want. It doesn't sound like your first one was a big extravaganza, so it's not like people will be thinking, "Again? How many big weddings is she going to have?" you know? They'll understand and/or not even know about the first one and you can do whatever you want. (-:

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE]The divorce thing is true, but this poster would qualify for an annulment if she was coerced into the wedding in the first place. I also think that the person would probably qualify for an annulment under the issue of abuse, because the abusive spouce obviously didn't mean their vows to love, honour, and cherish their partner. Posted by Bec20[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes to the first part, no to the second, as I understand it. The Catholic church requires "full and free consent," so in this case, OP would have grounds. But while there are rules about intent to remain monogamous, and accepting children, and violating those is grounds for annulment, I've not yet turned up any actual rule about intent not to beat your wife. Abuse may indicate one of the other conditions for declaring nullity exist, but I don't believe it is a condition itself. (Note that's intent at time of marriage - annulment is not about proving sin today, it's about proving the marriage a sham from day 1.) Now, if he had some mental impairment, or if he also were under pressure to marry, (as seems likely) you could make the same consent argument for him. Or you could divorce civilly and not remarry - the church may not recognize divorce, but they don't excommunicate you over it, either.<font face="Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" class="Apple-style-span" color="#666666"><span style="font-size:12px;line-height:16px;" class="Apple-style-span"> </span></font></div>

hoffse · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:763d637f-1308-4b56-9563-b8d464e2538b">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss?? : The divorce thing is true, but this poster would qualify for an annulment if she was coerced into the wedding in the first place. I also think that the person would probably qualify for an annulment under the issue of abuse, because the abusive spouce obviously didn't mean their vows to love, honour, and cherish their partner.
Posted by Bec20[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

hoffse · December 2011

And to clarify: I know a couple who got an annulment in the case in the domestic abuse. The process went rather quickly for them.

smartlypretty · December 2011

You were 16 and a MINOR. I don't think children should even be allowed to be married . And it kind of sounds like you were forced into it. Go have your wedding of your dreams!

[Deleted User] · December 2011

Congratulations on your engagement and finding someone who treats you both with respect and love.

Now, go and plan your dream wedding!

I would leave the wedding talk with your mother to a minimum as not to cause you greater stress or heartache.

ceceibson · December 2011

I agree with everyone who says plan the wedding you and your fiance want, and leave your mother to wallow in her own issues.

I was divorced from my first husband. Seemed the smart thing to do, considering his long history of infidelity and eventual "commitment" to one of his lovers. We had a Catholic marriage and I had the marriage annulled.

I married a second time. My second husband died in 2009 of cancer.

I am now planning my third wedding. Our guest list is 250+, I'm wearing the dress [and shoes, of course] of my dreams. We'll have big, hosted, parties before and after.

My mother has made comments regarind the propriety of all this "to-do" when it's neither my, nor his, first marriage. I finally just told her to butt out. My first husband cheated on me, my second died and, so, I'm not worthy of the wedding FI and I want?

Weddings are about celebrating love and life. By hosting the celebration of our dreams, my FI and I are reaffirming our belief that love always wins and is something to be toasted publicly.

My mother is coming around, slowly but surely. I hope the same for you!

[Deleted User] · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-wedding-ignorant-bliss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:220d9ad2-cc02-4806-9d30-8fd6f22e411cPost:4a313f13-1bf2-4827-9d6b-1ff2a095299e">Re: 2nd Wedding or Ignorant Bliss??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom sounds totally bitchin. If she's free in June, see if she wants to come to my big gay wedding.
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

LOVE THIS.

I highly doubt your mother is living her life to the degree of Biblical Law that she's applying to your re-marriage...With that said, do what works for you.

jsleik · December 2011

I agree with everyone - have the wedding of your dreams!

If your mom is having a problem based on religious beliefs, I just had one idea. Do you share her religion? Do you know if her clergy agrees with you getting married? And if so, with having a big wedding? If you could get someone her clergy person to talk to her, that might help her realize that it is fine. However, if you do not have all of those stars aligning in your favor, then just go ahead and plan your big day. Invite her if you feel like it, but with the clear understanding that you only want her there is she will actually be happy for you that you have found a loving husband.

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