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Wedding Party

MOH not coming to rehearsal dinner.

is this a huge deal?

my MOH is a high school basketball coach, and she has a homecoming game on the same night of our rehearsal/dinner.

i am a teacher and student council sponsor, so i am aware that sometimes we have obligations outside of school...but she has known the wedding date and rehearsal date for months. 

she has not made it to the engagement party or bridal shower (nor did she help plan the shower at all), and the chances are slim that she will be able to come to the bachelorette party because of coaching obligations.

frankly, i am a bit upset that she told me that she would "do her best" to attend the rehearsal, and then skip the dinner.  i feel like that night is pretty much mandtory for the wedding party.  she will have a homecoming basketball game every year that she coaches.  i will only get married once. 

am i overreacting? how can i talk to her and tell her that she really needs to be there if it is at all possible?

Re: MOH not coming to rehearsal dinner.

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, you're overreacting.  It's too bad that she can't stay for the dinner, but it's not necessary, and a homecoming game should trump a rehearsal dinner.  It's nice that she's planning on attending the rehearsal, but even if she couldn't make the rehearsal it wouldn't be the end of the world.  The only event she actually needs to attend is your wedding itself.  It's too bad that she wasn't able to participate in the other, optional pre-wedding events, but they are just that - optional.



  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I understand why you are disappointed.  I would be disappointed also. 

     Unfortunately for you she is a basketball coach.  That comes with a commitment to her players and school.  You are well aware of her job and yet you choose to get married during basketball season.

    It's okay that you planned to get married this tiime of year.  But all good ideas have consquences.  In your case it will be your MOH missing the RD and other events because of long standing commitments. 

    Just go with the flow.

    If  it helps I was so busy talking to guests I do not see often at my RD, my MOH could have disappeared and I would not have even known.  I've been MOH in wedding before and again the bride is so busy I really did not get much time with her at the RD either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Ditto the other ladies.

    Yes it's fine to be disappointed but there's nothing you can do.  She didn't attend optional events but you need to let that go unless there's something more to the story here.

    Keep in mind that when someone is a coach that's a work commitment that they need to keep.  You need to respect that just as she would need to respect that you can't leave your job during the middle of the work day.

    You only get MARRIED once.  As long as she's going to show up to the wedding, you don't get to complain to her or issue ultimatums.
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2009
    The rehearsal is the most important part of the evening.  If she chooses to not go to her own thank you dinner, that's her choice.  She's committed to her team and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  BP members' lives do not revolve around the weddings that they are in.  Being a WP member is an honor and not a subpoena to attend all pre-wedding parties, nor is it a requirement for any WP member to help with said parties.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • It's okay to be disappointed that she's unable to make optional events, but you are overreacting.  If she is able to put one foot in front of the other or otherwise get herself down the aisle, she'll be okay with a quick briefing the day of about when to walk and where to stand.  She's also said that she'll make an effort to be at the more important of the two events that day - the rehearsal itself. 

    If it were that big of a deal, you could have considered scheduling the rehearsal and other events around her school schedule.  Yes, she has the homecoming game every year.  But teams change every year, and that game could be a huge event in the life of the graduating seniors or a promising young team.

    If we have an on site rehearsal we could have anywhere from 1 to all of our WP missing.  The venue only does Thursday rehearsals and our WP may or may not be local enough and able to work it into their work/school schedules to attend a weeknight rehearsal come May.  My mom thinks I'm nuts but an offsite rehearsal would be no biggie, nor would a couple missing WP members.
  • My DD was married in July, and one of her BMs couldn't make it to the rehearsal OR the dinner because of her job.  She also couldn't make the hair appointment on the morning of the wedding.

    I'd defy any guest to try to guess who didn't make the rehearsal or the group hair appointment.  Walking down the aisle isn't rocket science.

    Would it be nice if she could make it?  Sure.  But her JOB trumps your rehearsal, especially if it's a homecoming game.  And as pp said:  you scheduled your wedding during your friend's busiest season of the year.

    Enjoy your rehearsal, and the next day, show her the aisle.  I think she'll figure it out. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I'm pretty sure our Best Man isn't making the wedding at this point, so you being upset that she can't make the "rehearsal" is kind of over-reacting, IMO.

    Yes, she gets other years to have championships., you only get married once. But you said it yourself, you get married once. The RD is not the marriage, it's basically a meeting where somebody tells everybody the location of the aisle that they're waking down (I'm not over-simplifying this either, I've been to a few RDs and they're all the same).

    The championships are her career. And she doesn't get to experience them with the same exact team every year, so each one is special and unique ... and it's her career. Nobody but the vendors is getting "ahead in life" by making it to the RD. Sorry, but that's just the truth.

    As long as she makes it to the wedding wearing the dress and smiles for the pictures, then she's worn her 15 pieces of flair for you. Be happy you can at least have that.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-coming-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:776d62e7-5d85-4e19-a0ad-bcb94e21e57ePost:cd052a47-7440-45e5-bf2b-809fbddc10d6">MOH not coming to rehearsal dinner.</a>:
    [QUOTE]is this a huge deal? my MOH is a high school basketball coach, and she has a homecoming game on the same night of our rehearsal/dinner. i am a teacher and student council sponsor, so i am aware that sometimes we have obligations outside of school...but she has known the wedding date and rehearsal date for months.  she has not made it to the engagement party or bridal shower (nor did she help plan the shower at all), and the chances are slim that she will be able to come to the bachelorette party because of coaching obligations. frankly, i am a bit upset that she told me that she would "do her best" to attend the rehearsal, and then skip the dinner.  i feel like that night is pretty much mandtory for the wedding party.  she will have a homecoming basketball game every year that she coaches.  i will only get married once.  am i overreacting? how can i talk to her and tell her that she really needs to be there if it is at all possible?
    Posted by lizardrach812[/QUOTE]


    Oh, yeah, JIC.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Dude, we're not even having a rehearsal.  We're inviting everyone to lunch the day of our (late-evening) wedding, and at the end of lunch, we'll round everyone up and run through the ceremony.  I anticipate it taking about ten minutes, maybe 15.

    Unless you're having a particularly complicated ceremony, I think your attendants have mastered the art of walking and standing, thus completing their training for wedding party membership.  The rehearsal isn't all that essential, and the RD even less so.  If she's skipping the less important part of the evening and attending the marginally more important part, then what's the problem?
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • While it is okay to be disappointed, her life does not have to revolve around your wedding.  The rehearsal is the important part so I give her credit for trying to be at that.  If it were me, I'd probably skip the whole thing as I don't need to "rehearse" walking down an aisle and holding flowers.

    You are making too much of this and need to just relax.  She has a legit reason to not be there (so it isn't like she is just blowing you off) and as I said, your wedding is not the center of her life.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-coming-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:776d62e7-5d85-4e19-a0ad-bcb94e21e57ePost:cd052a47-7440-45e5-bf2b-809fbddc10d6">MOH not coming to rehearsal dinner.</a>:
    [QUOTE]she will have a homecoming basketball game every year that she coaches.  i will only get married once. 
    Posted by lizardrach812[/QUOTE]

    Here's the thing ... she's not missing your wedding for the basketball game. She's missing <u>pre-wedding events</u>. Your bachelorette party is not your wedding, your rehearsal is not your wedding, your rehearsal dinner is not your wedding. Your WEDDING DAY is your wedding. Key word here being "day." Not days, not weeks, not months.

    Yes, I agree that when you agree to be a bridesmaid for someone, there are usually pre-wedding events and it'd be nice if you could attend them. And I agree that some people just come up with bogus excuses as to why they won't be attending. But some people just don't have the time or the interest. I am wondering if she's always been the type who doesn't like parties or girly stuff, and/or if she's particularly devoted to her students and players ... if so, it shouldn't surprise you now that she's shyed away from your pre-wedding events in favor of the basketball game.

    How big of a role does she play in Homecoming? I know some teachers personally who pretty much run the show for their schools' Homecomings and other events, and things would probably fall apart if they couldn't be there, so she may be reluctant to skip Homecoming because it might mean that the kids would have to deal with a poorly-run event. And for schools with small budgets for athletics, an unattentive coach might make the difference in whether or not the school decides to keep the program or to cut it. The teachers I know who've gotten involved in extracurricular activities have had it pay off for them in the long run, if they need some extra time off or a favor or something ... so maybe she's putting in her face time now so that the school will remember her if she ever needs something from them.

    Also - is she tenured yet? Again coming from teachers I know personally (and as I'm sure you are aware of yourself, being a teacher), sometimes it's better to just suck it up and do whatever the school asks of you if you're not tenured. Untenured teachers really have to pay their dues in many districts in order to ensure their job safety. Some schools are just *looking* for excuses to not re-sign a teacher for the following year, and perhaps she'd rather not take that risk.

    I think it's O.K. for you to be disappointed that she won't be there ... but I also think that you really risk coming across as a bridezilla and an inconsiderate friend if you tell her that you "need her there." She's already told you that she can't make it, and I'm sure that a good friend wouldn't tell you she can't make it unless she truly couldn't. All that confronting her would do would be to make her feel bad, and possibly make her mad at you because you're not accepting that she has another obligation. It's not like she's missing out on the actual wedding ... she's missing out on things that the multi-billion dollar wedding industry has cooked up over the years to make more money, and they've hammered it into brides' heads that all of these pre-wedding events are The Most Important Things In The World. Millions of people have gotten married just fine without bachelorette parties, rehearsals, pre-wedding meals or other events.
    image
  •  Was she a coach before you asked her to be MOH? or did she become one after you asked? So you are what expecting her to drop her obligations has a coach for pre-wedding events wow? Do you honestly think that she has control over when the games are scheduled? Did you want her to say "Oh sorry can't play a game on this day because I have to go to a bridal shower or BP or a RD.

    Thats going over board. The most important thing is that she will be standing by your side has your MOH  on your wedding say, she doesn't have to be involved in all those things. If she is going to be there for rehersal thats great. I am sure that she would really like to be there but unfortuntly she has other obligations that preside over these pre-wedding events.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-coming-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:776d62e7-5d85-4e19-a0ad-bcb94e21e57ePost:cd052a47-7440-45e5-bf2b-809fbddc10d6">MOH not coming to rehearsal dinner.</a>:
    [QUOTE]is this a huge deal? my MOH is a high school basketball coach, and she has a homecoming game on the same night of our rehearsal/dinner. i am a teacher and student council sponsor, so i am aware that sometimes we have obligations outside of school...<strong>but she has known the wedding date and rehearsal date for months.</strong> [/QUOTE]

    What does that matter?  You think she has the ability to determine what night her school's homecoming is?  Coaching is her JOB.  It doesn't matter that she has a homecoming game every year--she won' t if she gets fired for not being at a game.  A coach can't exactly miss games, since that's kind of the purpose of their job.
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