Sister-in-law slight

afolkert · March 2010

Hi All-

So I am the type of person who does not like to be held by obligations, and do not want others to be either, but I recently learned that my sister-in-law to be was really hurt that we did not ask her to be in the wedding. I feel horrible that she feels this way, but my reasoning for not asking her to take on a duty in the first place is because we do not have a close relationship at all. It would be too late to add her as a bridesmaid, because I asked all of my other bridesmaids in September and the dresses are alrady out of stock.

But I want to fix this!! What unique role could I ask her to play in the wedding. I know of Mistress of Ceremonies and Personal Attendant, but what exactly do those people do? She is a little conserative and introverted, might not be that great at grabbing the attention of an entire room, so I want to ask her to be a part of our day in a way that she would be comfortable. Any suggestions?

-afolkert

mbcdefg · March 2010

I'm wondering what you mean by "take on a duty." I agree with you that bridesmaids ought to be your closest friends (although I also feel that it's wise to include the siblings to avoid family drama, but not everyone feels that way), but remember that all she would have to do would be to buy the dress and stand in the ceremony. No other "duties" are necessary (any extra help or support is a nice bonus).

If you don't know what a Mistress of Ceremonies or a Personal Attendant does, then it's a wise idea not to ask her to do these things. I'm sure you have the best of intentions, but it's silly to just come up with a title for her to make her feel better, because she's still going to be upset that she wasn't asked to be a BM and would probably immediately recognize a "pity position." (Plus, Personal Attendants usually do a lot of gopher work, and putting someone to work at your wedding isn't really a way to honor them.)

I would also not take 100% of the blame here. Your FI could've easily had her stand on HIS side as HIS attendant, or politely asked if you'd ask her to be a BM. What did he think of all this? Did HE want her included, or did he want to avoid asking her, or did he leave it all up to you?

I think you have a few choices:

* you and your FI can apologize, ask her to be a bridesmaid, and then try to find the dress on eBay or Craigslist. Or find a similar dress from the same designer and same length/color/fabric type. Who cares if it's not exactly the same as the others?

* your FI can ask her to be one of HIS attendants, and then ask her to wear a black dress of her choice.

* ask her to do something like a reading, or sing a song if she's any good

gottahavashorti · March 2010

[QUOTE]Hi All- So I am the type of person who does not like to be held by obligations, and do not want others to be either, but I recently learned that my sister-in-law to be was really hurt that we did not ask her to be in the wedding. I feel horrible that she feels this way, but my reasoning for not asking her to take on a duty in the first place is because we do not have a close relationship at all. It would be too late to add her as a bridesmaid, because I asked all of my other bridesmaids in September and the dresses are alrady out of stock. But I want to fix this!! What unique role could I ask her to play in the wedding. I know of Mistress of Ceremonies and Personal Attendant, but what exactly do those people do? She is a little conserative and introverted, might not be that great at grabbing the attention of an entire room, so I want to ask her to be a part of our day in a way that she would be comfortable. Any suggestions? -afolkert
Posted by afolkert[/QUOTE]
Your FI can ask her to be a groomswoman, she could do a reading or she could get ready with you. Personal Attendant is a job where they basically act as your servant for the day. It's not an honor, so that's not the position you're looking for here.

lalap69 · March 2010

I would ask her to do a reading.

But personally, I'm with PP. Where is your FI in all of this? This is his sister, right? Why didn't he want to ask her to be in the WP?

CTGirl30 · March 2010

I agree that a reading would be the best option, if FI doesn't want to ask her to stand on his side as a groomswoman. She doesn't need to be super extroverted to do that - only be okay with public speaking for a few moments and she can read the passage right from paper - no memorizing needing. We have my 2 FSILs doing readings in our ceremony.

Personal attendant is not an honor role - it's a crappy job that doesn't sound honorable or enjoyable, honestly.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

I agree w/Malphabet. She can do a reading, be a groomswoman, or she can still be a BM.

My personal preference would be groomswoman.

megandjay · March 2010

What religion are you? If you are having a Church ceremony, she could do a reading- or maybe bring up the gifts (this is Catholic only, I think?).

Also, as a family member, she could be escorted in by the ushers after the guests are already seated (this is usually for MOB, MOG, but some people include grandparents, elderly aunt, etc.). Or you could just mention her name in the program. Or you could get her a corsage (some people do this for several family members). I think there are a lot of ways that you could make her feel special and included without giving her a "duty".

And I do not think you should be guilted into making her a BM if you are not close.

nhelene · March 2010

My SIL seems fine with not being in the party, but I have still been taking extra care to include her when I go dress shopping or do anything else that she might be available for.

leeshab1982 · March 2010

I asked my FSIL to do a reading at our ceremony. After she accepted, I sent her a card in the mail (she lives in a different state) telling her how much it means to us for her to be a part of our wedding.

We are also having two female ushers (not sure if there's a specific name for that or not). They are both older cousins, one from my side and one from FI's, that we are close with. My cousin and I talked and she just wasn't comfortable wearing a BM dress and all of that because she's older and still single. She said she'd rather be an usher and I was happy with that.

I really would stay away from personal assistants. That seems like more of a job than a way to honor your SIL and make her feel like a special part of the wedding. If you don't want her to do a reading or be an usher, you could just make sure she has a close, up-front seat at the ceremony and reception and ask your photographer to take some pictures of you with her.

trix1223 · March 2010

Hmmmm. Let's just imagine that you gave your FSIL two choices:

#1: You can come to the wedding, and be at my beck and call all day long. When I want something to drink, you'll get it for me. When I want somethig to snack on, you'll get it for me. When I have to pee, you'll go into the stall with me and hold up my dress. If I forget something, you'll run to find it. If someone spills something, you'll mop it up. You'll help set up the ceremony and reception, while other guests are mingling and chatting. And it will be an honor because I'll call you my personal assistant.

#2: You can come to the wedding and enjoy the party. You can eat, drink, and dance and chat with friends and family. And it will be an honor because I'll call you my guest.

Which option would you choose if you were given the choice?

banana468 · March 2010

If she can't do a reading, I think being a guest is the honor that is preferred.

Sister-in-law slight

Re: Sister-in-law slight

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