I need guidance, please.

lv2011 · February 2012

I was visiting my best friend of the past ten years a week ago (this has been festering in my mind awhile). She is my matron of honor, her daughter is a bridesmaid, and her older son is my godson and a ring bearer. This has been a given for as long as my fiance and I became serious and started toying with the idea of marriage. My friend is generally a really good person, though she occasionally makes bone-headed decisions. This latest one actually makes me sick to my stomach. Unless she's been lying to me since I've known her, she was raped by her boyfriend at the time and lost her virginity at 14. She blames a lot of her past bad decisions on never recovering from that. Imagine my shock when, at my visit with her last week, she tells me she and her husband of 7 years are divorcing and she's been cheating on him with her rapist!!! A man she has had, to my knowledge and her admittance, no contact with until a year ago. What the hell makes a person do this? The turmoil she is causing her children, her family, and ultimately herself is beyond anything I can possibly understand. She wants to invite him to my wedding as her partner! And please note, he is a convicted felon. My brain is seizing up trying to figure out the massive conundrum of denying her inviting him, and even remaining friends with her. I cannot respect this decision at all. My heart aches for her kids, whom I love a lot. Her husband is no longer in the house, either, as she recently called child protective services against him. He lost his temper and struck the children. This may be a problem they've been dealing with for a long time, but i don't know. His own behavior is, of course, reprehensible and unforgivable (in my book). But it doesn't excuse her behavior- two wrongs don't make a right. They all live an hour and a half away from me, so I'm quite a bit removed from the situation. I feel like all I can do is hope she comes to her senses.

Someone, give me some advice. I really need it, or at least a comforting word.This family that I feel I've been a part of for ten years is falling apart, and it breaks my heart.

professorscience · February 2012

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had any advice to offer other than the fact that you could tell her you're not comfortable with this new guy being there for safety reasons. I'm pretty sure she would bow out, then.

Prayers and hugs for you.

debbiem56 · February 2012

That is a tough one and I am sorry you have to deal with it. I think that she is going to have a lot of things to deal with anyway and may not be able to devote time to your weding. I would give her the opportunity to bow out gracefully.

Resa77 · February 2012

I would personally be VERY concerned about the childrens' safety. This man raped a child, who is to say he won't do it again?

Also, has your friend ever been in therapy? It sounds like she really needs to deal with her problems. Obviously cheating and such are a big deal, but it sounds to me like she is in a serious downward spiral and isn't thinking clearly if she's willingly have a relationship with her rapist. I hope she can get the help she needs, because sexual abuse of any sort is s very difficult thing to overcome.

I'm curious as to how she acted about her choices? I mean, did she say "remember the guy who raped me? I'm in love with him." Did she try to act like the rape never happened? I can't imagine how confused you must be!

divinemsbee · February 2012

It definitely sounds like the abuse obviously caused a long-term issue with how she deals with men. Also, for what it's worth, most women who may be being physically or emotionally abused in a relationship stay until he hurts the kids. It's a story I've heard many times. Her husband may have been treating her in this way for a long period of time and, because of her past, she may not have felt strong enough to leave him, until he touched the kids. Not even going into the dating her rapist part of it, but it doesn't sound like her husband needs to be around the children either. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he was using corporal punishment in a measured way (not that I agree with it, but I have seen it used as a valid and non-abusive form of discipline), but that he hit her child. That's unacceptable. Does she have family there that can help her care for them?

A lot of women struggle with that kind of poor self image after such an attack and I agree with others that therapy would probably do her a world of good. Most state health departments offer therapy on a sliding payment scale, and, if she's Catholic (maybe if she's not, I'm not sure about their policies) Catholic Charities offers some really wonderful therapists. Her children could also receive help there. Possibly her husband as well, although one of the hardest things in getting through any sort of infidelity is forgiveness, and abusers aren't particularly well-known for that trait.

lv2011 · February 2012

She recently showed me the pictures taken by cps. They have two sons, 6 and 4. He had taken his belt to their faces. I don't know about her, but there's no forgiveness in my heart for a monster like that. Their marriage, I would say, is most definitely over. After that, I can't blame her for not trying.

Regarding the man she is seeing, she only introduced him to me by "Robert", when previously she'd referred to her rpaist as "Rob"...these are pseudonyms. So it didn't click immediately. Then, after he'd gone, and she was talking to me about him and how they'd re-connected, she just sort of casually said, "well, we dated when I was a 14. So it's not like we don't know eachother. He was the one who, you know...". And just sort of let it go. The look on my face must've said "what the $#@%!" because she said they'd talked about it and it was "ok now". Still makes my stomach heave a little thinking about it. She's introduced this man into her home and with her kids, who really seem to like him. It blows my mind that she would even dare.

She was raised and practiced Catholic until about 2 years ago when she decided to attend a Baptist church. Not that she holds particular ill-will towards Catholicism, but I doubt she'd react kindly to the suggestion of getting therapy through their charities. She did say that psychological counseling would be mandatory for her and the kids by child protective services. I genuinely hope she follows through on that.

As far as the wedding goes, if she's out, they're all out. Even if she bowed out herself, I doubt she'd allow her kids to still be involved or attend. It saddens me because I love them a lot, and I think it would've been nice for them to have something special to look forward to.

I really don't know how to handle my relationship with her. I'm so mad and disgusted with her, and also pitying her situation with her husband and his treatment of their kids. I'm torn inside. I have no idea what to do.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

Wow, I am so sorry you have to deal with it and my heart and prayers go out to your family and hers (especially the children!) Hopefully she will come to her sences but if you doesn't and still insists on the invite you can do one of two things

1. Be honest and tell her you are just not comfortable with him coming to the wedding because of all the horrible things you she has confided in you and you don't want it to be an uncomfortable situation.

Or

2. If you are having a bridal table with the entire bridal party just let her know that you aren't giving the bridal party plus one because it is going to be such a busy day and you she will be sitting at the bridal table with everyone else so she won't be able to sit with him. I am doing this with my sister as her baby's father is not a good person (has been in jail and has stolen from my family on multiple occasions). Rather than brining it up and being confrentational about it I just told her the truth in that situation which wa that she shouldn't have time to spend with her SO at the ceremony as she wil be up front and then will be getting pictures taken and sitting with the bridal party.

Best of luck and my heart goes out to you!

I need guidance, please.

Re: I need guidance, please.

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