is love enough?

JenGin74 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:6e8eaf8f-4e4f-4b38-9e64-81d42fe2a6fd">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]If he was having child support taken out of his pay check, that means he was already skipping out on it before he lost his job; courts don't garnish your wages until you've shown your a douche and aren't going to pay reliably. Between that and the fact that he's not making a concerted effort to find new work when he has a kid to support, he sounds like a loser. If a human being he helped to create doesn't get his attention, what makes you think down the road that you'll do any better than his kid? I'd say time to cut your losses.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

Ditto this

JenGin74 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:b09dfc06-5412-4864-8a48-28a68fdba471">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]reddy- when we started dating he was at the same job that he lost right before we got engaged and had been there since right out of high school (about 3 years), he worked hard (from what I understand) but had a major dispute about having his hours cut then called into work 3 days in a row at the last minute, ending result was him being terminated. blue- i completely get what you're saying. COMPLETELY. if I were reading this about someone else, I'd say he was a dead beat skeez... it's not that he doesn't want to pay his child support, i think thats been the hardest part on him. he doesn't ge to see her often (when his ex left, she moved across country) but she is the light of his life. That was the reason I was paying his child support when he first lost his job, so he could see her during his visitation time. But I am completely with you on the fact that "you made a baby, you owe it to her to provide".
Posted by oo00oo[/QUOTE]

So he's only about 20 or 21, right? It sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do.

Also, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like he had a dispute at work over hours and to "show them" he called out last minute. That's how I read that. If that is the case, then you need to run far and fast away from this guy.

And do you really want to be with a guy that you have to give an ultimatum to? it's not like giving an ultimatum for something silly like picking his socks up off of the floor. He has no job and from what you've said, it sounds to me like he doesn't really care.

You need to ask yourself if this is what you want for your life. When you have the answer, you'll know what to do.

Good luck to you

SarahPLiz · September 2010

In Response to Re: is love enough?:
[QUOTE]If he was having child support taken out of his pay check, that means he was already skipping out on it before he lost his job; courts don't garnish your wages until you've shown your a douche and aren't going to pay reliably. Between that and the fact that he's not making a concerted effort to find new work when he has a kid to support, he sounds like a loser. If a human being he helped to create doesn't get his attention, what makes you think down the road that you'll do any better than his kid? I'd say time to cut your losses.
Posted by vegasgroom[/QUOTE]

That is not actually true in all states. It is standard procedures in some jurisdictions, and parents can choose that option of payment so they don't have to worry about sending in checks. My ex was presented with this option when he first got divorced, but the judge decided that they'd let him pay on his own, since he was paying twice as much as the court ordered amount anyway.

The rest I agree with.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I came in late, so I don't have anything new to say, so ditto everyone else.

Also, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you find a solution soon. You shouldn't be your FI's mother, and if he's unwilling to pull his own weight, then you deserve to find someone who will.

jemmini6 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:568b867a-aa15-4293-97bf-8b5c72aa41c7">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is love enough? : So he's only about 20 or 21, right? It sounds to me like he has a lot of growing up to do. Also, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like he had a dispute at work over hours and to "show them" he called out last minute. That's how I read that. If that is the case, then you need to run far and fast away from this guy. And do you really want to be with a guy that you have to give an ultimatum to? it's not like giving an ultimatum for something silly like picking his socks up off of the floor. He has no job and from what you've said, it sounds to me like he doesn't really care. You need to ask yourself if this is what you want for your life. When you have the answer, you'll know what to do. Good luck to you
Posted by JenGin74[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. I generally think that ultimatums are basically the post-mortem of a dead relationship. This basically just shows that you are not in this together when you are the one that has to prioritize his life for him.

From the sound of it, you are both pretty young and you definitely have time to find someone who deserves you. It's one thing to lose your job, a lot of people have these days, but to not be doing anything constructive with his time and still expecting you to come home and cook and clean is insanely childish and completely unacceptable.

I think you really need to lay it all out for him and let him know what a bad situation he is putting you in. Don't give him the "if things don't change it's over" ultimatum because if he's not smart enough to make that association for himself after you've expressed your concerns, then that's a clear sign that perhaps you won't be able to make it through other tough times in your lives together.

I'm sorry you are in this position. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so I think you will make it out of this ok, whether it's with or without him.

APW2010 · September 2010

I read this, and there is still one thing missing in all the advice you are getting, which is asking yourself if this guy really respects you.

Like, if he isn't helping with the cooking and cleaning, and is happy to live off of your dime, and take $$$ from you to pay his support, and so on, I just don't think he properly respects you. He clearly doesn't respect your goals either, since he needs to work to help you guys get where you want in life.

I know its hard to imagine your life apart from someone you've been with so long, but start trying, because he isn't going to help you build that future you imagine right now, he's just going to drag on you trying to do it.

There's many things that can be fixed in a relationship but partners not respecting each other isn't one of them. And he doesn't respect you now, and if you still respect him you won't for much longer in this situation.

LnDUBS · September 2010

The fact that he is facing jail time isn't kicking his butt into high gear to get SOME type of job is a huge red flag. Your mother is right, sometimes love just isn't enough.

oo00oo · September 2010

Vegas -- Like Sarah said, that is only true in some states. He requested for it to be taken out of his check

Jen- He graduated a year late (his mom held him back a year because he had a speech impediment) and had a "late birthday", so instead of graduating at 18 he graduated at 19. Started working there a few months after at 20 and is almost 24 now. And how it was supposed to read is that he was working 40 hour weeks, they cut him down to 15 hour weeks because they over staffed themselves, but on the days he was supposed to be off, he would get called to come into work at the last minute. Basically, he got into an argument with one of the managers because he thought it was wrong to cut his hours so drastically, then want him to come in on the days he was off to pick up others slack. Not that he called in to work - sorry, bad choice of words.

I talked to him today and basically told him that I cannot finacially or emotionally do this anymore. I told him that he has 2 months to get a job - ANY.JOB. and during these 2 months, while he isn't applying for jobs, he needs to help me out around the house - something has to be done everyday. After 2 months, if there is no job, I'm moving out. He got upset and went into this big spill about how he's looking but no where is hiring, blah, blah, blah... I explained to him that if I could find a job with no degree and a school schedule to work around, there is no excuse that he can't find one with a degree and with nothing better to do. Then I laid into him about the child support thing... So, he went to the sheriffs department to put in an application and I told him to apply at 15 places -ANYWHERE- tomorrow and not to come home until he did. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support, I needed to hear (read) these things. I hate it for him, but I can't deal with it anymore.

betrothed123 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:8ef79e29-9afc-4c6f-bff9-6b577d4b4863">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]Vegas -- Like Sarah said, that is only true in some states. He requested for it to be taken out of his check

Jen- He graduated a year late (his mom held him back a year because he had a speech impediment) and had a "late birthday", so instead of graduating at 18 he graduated at 19. Started working there a few months after at 20 and is almost 24 now. And how it was supposed to read is that he was working 40 hour weeks, they cut him down to 15 hour weeks because they over staffed themselves, but on the days he was supposed to be off, he would get called to come into work at the last minute. Basically, he got into an argument with one of the managers because he thought it was wrong to cut his hours so drastically, then want him to come in on the days he was off to pick up others slack. Not that he called in to work - sorry, bad choice of words.

I talked to him today and basically told him that I cannot finacially or emotionally do this anymore. I told him that he has 2 months to get a job - ANY.JOB. and during these 2 months, while he isn't applying for jobs, he needs to help me out around the house - something has to be done everyday. After 2 months, if there is no job, I'm moving out. He got upset and went into this big spill about how he's looking but no where is hiring, blah, blah, blah... I explained to him that if I could find a job with no degree and a school schedule to work around, there is no excuse that he can't find one with a degree and with nothing better to do. Then I laid into him about the child support thing... So, he went to the sheriffs department to put in an application and I told him to apply at 15 places -ANYWHERE- tomorrow and not to come home until he did. I really appreciate everyone's advice and support, I needed to hear (read) these things. I hate it for him, but I can't deal with it anymore
Posted by oo00oo[/QUOTE]

I hate to break this to you, but if he's already giving you excuses as to why he's not going to be able to find a job in the next 2 months he'll never put in the necessary effort to find it. If you stay with this guy you'll be raising a child for the rest of your life.

oo00oo · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_love-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:370e31bb-a31f-4ad8-b01b-7ca6a50b8c04Post:c4344bbd-1b8e-4642-a60c-5cd1f3bf225e">Re: is love enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you make a good step, and also made the mental step you will need to eventually make the decision if you need to do so. There are certain places that, in my experience, are always hiring. Target, Wal-Mart, PetSmart, Petco, Home Depot, Lowes etc all have some positions available. They may only be $8 an hour cashier positions but at least it's something. Also you might want to treat this as an unemployment officer. Is he at all qualified to work at the Sheriff's office? If he applies to 15 places that he has no chance of working for it really isn't helping in the end.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

I suggested all of these places (except petsmart, because we don't have one anywhere near us) and quite a few other places like these. We live ab 30 miles east and north of 2 college towns, so there are quite a few choices.

And the positions that he applied for at the sheriffs office were a guard/jailer and a 911 dispatcher the only requirement for either is a HS diploma. So he's qualified for them.

katiewhompus · September 2010

Ah. I would just wonder if someone who is behind on child support would be allowed a position with law. I'd imagine that would not be a good character trait to show up in a background check.

Keep your chin up, and we're always here if you need support or a reality check.

oo00oo · September 2010

Good point, Katie... I didn't even think about that. Does that show up in background checks, though? He had one done a few months (maybe 3) ago and nothing was ever said about it -He went to be certified for all kinds of things to do with constuction and they had to have a BG check before they could take the classes.

katiewhompus · September 2010

I would imagine so, especially there. Different organizations would be looking for different things I'd imagine. They may have just looked for felonies/misdemeaners where a place dealing with the law may look at all the little things. When I had my bg check for PetSmart and for the school system one of the intial questions was "Have you ever had wages garnished for child support". I'm not sure if it's a deal killer, but it's something you may want to think about.

katiewhompus · September 2010

I understand that all too well. When I left my ex everyone was completely shocked. We had been dating and living together for almost 3 years and had been talking marriage. What I hid from everyone is that he was unemployed (by choice) for almost a year, and that he owed me over $2000 in rent because he completely depleted his savings after deciding he'd rather play Wow than work. I still have mutual friends who ask why we broke up, and just tell them we went different directions verses how I really felt about the situation.

is love enough?

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