After all that craziness of two receptions...

lizarellie · September 2010

I had a mini-meltdown last night with my FI regarding planning two receptions (or one reception and one family reunion type thing).

I'm thinking about telling my mother (who, if you didn't catch yesterday, wants to throw me a second reception/family reunion because our families are too large to combine into one reception) to just make it a family reunion and that she has complete control over it and I don't want to make it about my wedding,

But then the problem of trying to scale everything down for the Iowa reception site arises. Even though my FI's family loves and adores me, they can be quite pushy and judgmental. Telling them that they can't invite Todd's great-aunt that he doesn't even know is going to go over well...

Blerg. $:\$

akhensley81 · September 2010

Just take these little hurdles one at a time. And remember that no matter what, you will never please everyone. I lurked on that thread yesterday but I didn't post. I think it's probably best to keep it to 1 reception - for your own sanity's sake, if nothing else!

heartxsongs · September 2010

I know it's daunting thinking about the problems that might arise, but don't let it get you down! From how you worded it, it doesn't seem like you've talked to either side about your thoughts yet.

Hopefully your mom will take it well and be cool about the family reunion decision. And maybe your FI's family will be more reasonable too; don't let yourself get too worked up about it until you test the waters

You'll get through it! Even if you have a little bit of stressful discussion, don't worry. In the end, you'll have a great time because you are getting married to your FI!

heartxsongs · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_after-craziness-of-two-receptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d825bfd-79de-4793-9b60-f991b760d29bPost:c67f4f36-939d-439a-9594-53d8666f23ce">After all that craziness of two receptions...</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a mini-meltdown last night with my FI regarding planning two receptions (or one reception and one family reunion type thing). I'm thinking about telling my mother (who, if you didn't catch yesterday, wants to throw me a second reception/family reunion because our families are too large to combine into one reception) to just make it a family reunion and that she has complete control over it and I don't want to make it about my wedding, But then the problem of trying to scale everything down for the Iowa reception site arises. Even though my FI's family loves and adores me, they can be quite pushy and judgmental. <strong>Telling them that they can't invite Todd's great-aunt that he doesn't even know is going to go over well</strong>... Blerg. :\
Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]

I had some of this when talking to my family about who to invite. My dad got excited and started adding people to the guest list that we only see at family reunions every few years.

Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles. Since dad is paying for the reception and it can fit the people he wants without us having to cut others elsewhere, I let him have the people he wanted.

Figure out how many people can fit into the venue and try to split it up from there. If the great aunt gets invited, oh well, as long as they stay within their allotted number of guests. And if they are paying for it, they'll need to have a little wiggle room there since they are funding the event.

Hope the discussion goes smoothly!

baystateapple · September 2010

I missed all of this yesterday -- I'll have to go back and read -- but I think you're doing the right thing with having one reception. You're going to go crazy planning two. As for FI's family...let him handle it, but back him up. He can be the one to tell his parents "Mom, Dad, we're keeping this small, so we're not inviting extended family, etc." And what PP said is right -- in the end, you'll be married, so just keep that in mind

lizarellie · September 2010

Ahhh you guys are great.

And paying for the wedding, FI and I assumed we would be footing the bill for the entire thing and would have never dreamed of asking for money, but FI has informed me that his family will probably contribute. Then that brings up the whole "Well...when are they going to let us know if they're contributing?"

I think if they don't say anything, but keep on elbowing in on the planning, I'll just tell them I'd be happy to consider their ideas/additions to the guest list if it was within my budget. My FI and I are fiercely independent people, so it'll be a little weird to us if they want to give us money. I'd rather they just cover something like food as a "wedding present".

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, thanks guys. I feel better.

akhensley81 · September 2010

liza- You're right on. Just continue to plan as if you're paying for everything. IF they offer you a gift, awesome. If not, then so be it.

heartxsongs · September 2010

You have the right idea to go into the planning without assuming someone else will pay. If they offer, that's great, but assume from the beginning you'll be paying for everything.

Because of this, you and your FI have more say in the guest count of your FI's family. If they try to be pushy and go over their limits, you can let them know that is not in your budget. They'll either have to back off or offer to pay for their extra guests.

georgia_bride09 · September 2010

[QUOTE]I think if they don't say anything, but keep on elbowing in on the planning, I'll just tell them I'd be happy to consider their ideas/additions to the guest list if it was within my budget. Posted by lizarellie[/QUOTE]

Be sure to stick to this. Weddings make people cuh-razy.

And I really wasn't trying to be a biitch yesterday, but until you clarified, it sounded (to me) like you wanted to use the farm for aesthetic purposes, and that was where my issue was. Sorry if I came across as a battle axe. I'm generally on the nicer side (I guess that probably depends on who you ask, actually). But anyway, good luck with planning!

xyrius · September 2010

hehe.. georgia.. battleaxe...*snicker*

liza i think you're going about it the right way too, and i would also assume (like you are) that you are paying for everything

Rosie109 · September 2010

My parents are paying for our wedding, so we divided how many guests straight down the middle between the families. I have a much much smaller family but my parent's friends are like family to me, so they equal it out.

I think a united front is the best answer to dealing with parents with wedding issues. FI was so in love with our venue that he didn't want to expand the guest list and go elsewhere, so he put his foot down with his parents and that was that.

Its funny because when my parents were married it was just the two of them, and when his parents were married 300 people were invited.. so we had to find a middle ground to make everyone happy.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

If your mom is anything like my mom, she will find a way to make the family reunion about your wedding. So you might want to be prepared for the "what if"--what if you get gifts, what if she brings out a cake, or makes a toast, or wants you to recreate your first dance. So definitely establish some serious ground rules if all you want is the reunion.

brilibby4 · September 2010

Don't worry, you are not alone! Most families go through some sort of this when planning weddings (mine included). There are usually family members who some want invited and others don't, the decision to invite either close friends or distant relatives, etc. etc. etc. I just recommend taking it one step at a time. Fi and I are still early in the planning but we made a list of everyone we might possibly want invited (and got both family's input) and then split them into "absolutely HAVE to come" and "maybes". We haven't made any final cuts yet but will eventually be narrowing it down further as fairly as possible. (however, if you do this keep it private...no A and B list invites)

andy71781 · September 2010

I like how you say blerg. But for real - it will all work out.

[Deleted User] · September 2010

Stick to your guns, family mean well but it can be added stress. Where in Iowa do you live/are from?

lizarellie · September 2010

We live in Cedar Rapids. I'm from Chicago and most of my family is in IL, but a lot of them are in Arizona/California.

And you guys have really made me feel better. Now I just have to get together with his side of the family and talk about things. Yikes.

The this is, they all know that I'm the one making all the decisions because FI really doesn't care about anything. We could have a 400 person circus themed wedding or we could run off to Vegas, he doesn't care as long as we're married. So if suddenly, if things start heading in a direction they don't like, it's not "Liz and FI's decision" it's "the bitch from Chicago who thinks she's better than everyone else and doesn't respect our family".

Oy. Big girl panties. I haz them.

arv266 · September 2010

Is it really necessary to run things through them? Most wedding drama occurs when too many people feel the need to put thier input and imprint on the wedding planning. Can't you just tell them that your budget allows for X number of people, without going into all the details? Sometimes, less is more, and less means keeping your sanity.

lizarellie · September 2010

Yeah, I guess I have been kind of assuming that his grandparents (mostly, his grandmother) would have a lot of say in the wedding because we're having it at their house.

All of the women in his family are so pushy. I love them, but they're so protective over him because he's pretty much the only grandchild who turned out decently. By decently, I mean, he has a job, he didn't knock up his high school girlfriend just because he was jealous that his brother did (seriously, his two cousins = trainwreck), he doesn't trash the family all over FB and he never gets in fights with anyone.

When we announced the engagement, I was sitting in the kitchen with his grandmother and aunt, and his grandma just started going on and on about how lucky I am to have him, and how great he is and I'm SOOO LUCKY (again). I mean, his aunt piped up and said "Hey, we're lucky to have her too!" but I mean, that's the kind of weirdness I get from them a lot.

We even told her about possibly running away to Vegas, and she just looked so hurt and angry and said "Why would you do that to us?".

I haven't celebrated a Christmas on Christmas Day with my family in 4 years because I'm "not allowed to steal him away" for Christmas.

There's just this undertone that I get from his grandmother that I'm trying to ruin everything she's worked so hard for. I can see where she's coming from because they've had to deal with a lot of crazy s/o coming in and out, but it's just making it all so stressful.

Aaaaaaaaand I'm ranting. I'm done.

After all that craziness of two receptions...

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