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DanieKA
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Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?
Well, it happened. The first of my close friends is getting a divorced. He asked for it on January 1st. Which just happened to be her 30th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (he's such a d0uche).
This was not a good marriage. We all knew it. But I realize that doesn't make this easier for her. But I have no idea what to say to her or how to support her. I told her I'd be there whenever she needed. I'd take her out for drinks or her and her daughter (yeah, they have a 3 year old..) out for coffee and playtime. I'm totally there physically but I have no idea what to say.
We're young. My friends have young marriages (she was the second one of us to get married. This October would have been 6 years). And on top of that she has a young child. In the end I have no doubt this is the best thing for her, and I'm not worried about her meeting someone new (eventually). She's always been the kind of girl who attracted tons of smart, funny, quality guys 99.9% of the time. She just married the .1% guy who never treated her well (he came into her life at the end of college when there was some upheaval in her personal life and some estrangement with her father. I'll say it...Daddy issues). But again, knowing that doesn't make this time easier for her. And to make it worse, everyone is kind of wedding and baby crazy this year. A good friend of ours is getting married in September. Two other good friends are hoping to get pregnant this year. I know she would love to have another baby. She would "joke" this last year about wanting to just get pregnant so both her kids would have the same father (OH GEEZE, NO! BAD IDEA!).
Anyone with any experience? Anything I can do or say that will help? Anyone gone through a divorce at a young age with suggestions? Thanks!
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Re: Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?
I work for a divorce attorney so I meet with divorcees all the time. The best thing for you to do is just listen to her. Let her cry, vent, whatever she needs and offer to take her daughter here and there so she can get some "me" things done. She may be angry one day and happy the next but its just a way of cooping. Basically people going through a divorce just need someone to sit there and listen to them. Chim in here and there were necessary.
[QUOTE]I was young when I went through my divorce. It took over a year from start to finish. The best things that were done for me were like Stina said, just be there for her. One day she will be mad. Let her. One day she will be sad. Let her. And one day she will be happy. Just let her. Offering to help with her 3 year old is great too. My aunt would watch my 3 year old so I could go grocery shopping alone. That was magnificent.
Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]
<div>I never thought about babysitting. That's a great suggestion. I'm sure one minute she will want to be surrounded by people and another just alone. This is a gret idea. </div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, I will just ride her wave of emotions. I'm not one to bash anyone's significant other to them (he is a d0uche, but I won't say that to her. I'll let her trash him or not. Whatever she wants to do). But I want her to feel free to talk if she wants to and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm gonna be doing a lot of silent head nodding in the next year. </div><div>
</div><div>And Liv, All of my friends really hoped for this divorce. That sounds awful, but it's true. He's never been good to her. It's still such a shock when it happens though. Despite all their ups and downs and counseling and seperations, I guess I never thought it would actually happen. That she would actually leave him. And I guess, in the end she didn't. He asked for the divorce. But if it took him doing it for the divorce to actually go forward, I guess that's good. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks ladies!</div>
I will also add, that even after the divorce is final, and after she's 'over' him, with a child in the mix, the drama about it likely won't end. My sister's exH has surprisingly been an even bigger asshole after their divorce than he was during their marriage (at least now she can just turn off her phone though). So basically, just be there for support, listen, give advice if you feel it necessary, and just be a friend.
[QUOTE]Just be there and be supportive. My sister was married at 22, had a baby at 25, and divorced at 27, so I've been down the 'support' road myself (even while not-so-silently being happy - he's a huge <strong>twatwaffle</strong>) Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
I love that word.
A friend of mine got married at age 19 and was divored less than 6 months later... after her H cheated on her while she was at basic training. It was sad but we all just tried to keep her busy and listen if she had something to say. She mostly beat herself up about not seeing the signs sooner, since no one really approved of their relationship to begin with. We wouldn't lie, so we just said it was a learning experience (an expensive one) and that it would make her a stronger person. It did, it's 4 or 5 years later and she's doing great.
Luckily he doesn't hear from her anymore, since she went (even more) crazy, got engaged to another guy, got dumped by that guy, got on drugs and got pregnant from a married man. Major trainwreck. BF is pretty glad he dodged that bullet, and I don't blame him for taking his time with me, haha.
Looking back, I think that what helped me the most were my family and very few close friends who would help me by asking me to come hang out, and not be alone and sad. Being a good listener and reminding her that it's okay to vent, and that you are here for her will be helpful. Chime in here and there and always make sure that she is looking for the best interest of the child and not for revenge (not that she would, but some people do that and it's never a good idea).
Also, my Dad, who had been divorced twice always had some great "I'm not a relationship expert, obviously, but I do know divorce..." words of wisdom, including to stay strong, calm, and choose my battles with exH. One thing that I learned from my parents is that if you have children it is important that both parties NEVER speak badly about the other parent, no matter how much stupid shiit they are doing, saying, etc.
Divorces/Dissolutions are messy and painful, even if the love is long gone and the relationship is obviously not working, or is abusive it is still very hard to go through. I knew mine was coming, it was obvious, inevitable and it still hurt me a lot, mentally and physically. It hurt my pride a lot to admit that I picked a douche and that I had failed at being a wife.
Also, just because someone starts dating soon after doesn't mean they are "over it" per say. BF and I were dating for a long time before my dissolution was finalized. I wouldn't have even thought of dating someone new, but I knew BF for over 10 years and we just had some instant chemistry. I do not regret it, but as wink said there was a lot of stuff that had to be worked through and it was not the easiest for BF to deal with.
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[QUOTE] I knew mine was coming, it was obvious, inevitable and it still hurt me a lot, mentally and physically. It hurt my pride a lot to admit that I picked a douche and that I had failed at being a wife.
Posted by dwest2201[/QUOTE]
<div>I didn't mean this to be a post and run! So sorry about that. Thank you all so much for your advice! knowing her, one thing that really would be good would be a physical pressence. Being there so she isn't always alone with her thoughts. It's got to be hard going from someone always being there (even if he is a twatwaffle-I also love that word) to no one at all. Or no one and you are solely responsible for your child. Even though she kind of did everything anyway. Also, helping with the move and all the logitical stuff is a fabulous choice. Moving is a pain in the tush in teh best of sutuations, so that's something I can help with. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, dwest, this above is really something I'm worried about. Just because she didn't pick a winner, doesn't mean she's a lesser person. Or you. You seem to be pretty kick @ss to me! I know I wont have any control over this, but I just want to be there to help her self-esteem and pride. This choice didn't work out, but she's still an incredible person, mom, teacher, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks again, girls. Divorce blows. </div>
Helping with the move is definitely a great thing and just being there and being willing to spend time with her and her child will show how much you care. Moving is always a nightmare and kids have soooo much stuff to move, I can't believe I didn't list that before! Definitely being so supportive and reminding her that she is not defined by one bad choice, or one failed relationship and that everything happens for a reason will help her a lot mentally.
Oh and thanks for noticing my kickassness!