Wedding Etiquette Forum

Please Settle this Debate

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Re: Please Settle this Debate

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You know, all of the family weddings I've been to have been dry, and we didn't even notice at the time.  My sister had non-alcoholic beer because her father was an alcoholic, my cousin didn't have either alcohol or music because of the preference of her Methodist church, and my other cousin couldn't afford the $1K liquor license. 



  • <div><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">In Response to </span><a style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:68d757ec-dc7c-4869-9ba6-acefb140cfe8">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">:</span></div>[QUOTE]EK.......... Are you disagreeing as to what is your preference, or as to what is more rude? You get to pick  your  preference (cash bar) but you do not get to pick what  the rest of the world at large  will find more rude. In the same vein, though, neither do I. Neither of us has polled a representative sample. [/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm saying I can't argue against OP's preference. I have my own preference. Neither of our (mine or the OP's) preferences <em>by itself </em>can make something appropriate as far as etiquette goes. (In response to the OP's discussion of the "etiquette fairy."</div><div>
    </div><div>I was trying to figure out what the OP was "disagreeing" with. I was trying to be polite and say that I don't see myself as the arbiter of etiquette, either.</div><div><div>
    </div><div>[QUOTE]However, hoffse's story shines an important light on why a cash bar might be perceived as rude in a situation where hosted alcohol was not available. Can you imagine hosting a party where some people might want to partake in alcohol but not be able to afford it (either generally speaking or simply because they do not have cash)? <em>Perhaps this is a generational thing, or a "Type A" personality issue, but I honestly cannot fathom leaving my house without ANY type of cash/credit card on me.  Stuff happens.  Cars break down.  On the way you realize you forgot to fill up the car.  Pants rip (this actually happened to my brother at my son's wedding).</em> [/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>Typically, I'll have a phone, photo ID, credit card, and lipgloss. I've also only really attended weddings where I've been staying at a hotel and have very little distance to the venue. So it's not a hard and fast rule. Some bars would take the credit card if I wanted to use it, but unless they accepted credit tips, too, I wouldn't be able to tip if I bought something on credit.</div><div>
    </div><div>[QUOTE]   I would feel terrible if a choice I made meant some of my guests felt  poor all night, watching those with money drink the night away. And what if some of my guests started contemplating borrowing money from another guest if they wanted to drink a cocktail? Awkward for both the borrower and the lender! Philosophically, I understand if you prefer to have alcohol around and available, and if you and your loved ones would be willing to pay to purchase it.  I have never heard of anyone opting to skip alcohol for purely financial reasons. I could never imagine someone judging someone who had a dry wedding because  1) the reception area (e.g. some churches) does not permit alcohol to be served or 2) one of the B&G/their VIPs is in recovery. I hope you would agree that there exist very legitimate reasons that a B&G would not want alcohol at their wedding even if some of their guests might prefer to drink. I would never bring cash to a wedding, for the same reasons as hoffse described. If I were told ahead of time that there would be only a cash bar, I would at least know it was (let's be serious)  expected  of me to bring cash --but I also probably wouldn't attend, because<strong> none of my nearest and dearest would make that choice </strong>.  I would probably assume that cash bar also means cuts were made as to the quality of the meal and entertainment. Sure that's not always true, but that's just me.<em> I was raised in an area where full open bars are the norm.  However, my husband grew up in an area that typically has cash bars to some degree.  I cannot imagine being so judgmental and superior as to decline attendance at their wedding because of such a petty issue.</em> [/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>I hope you read the part in bold, because it's the most important part. I only spend time with teetotalers and those who actively enjoy drinking socially and, because of that, would want to host at least beer for their guests. It's also why I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself invited to a soda-and-apple-juice wedding. In my social sphere, cash bars are unheard of. I'm not such a jerk that if, say, my brother got married I'd turn around if he asked me to buy my own glass of wine. </div><div>
    </div><div>(Though that raises an interesting question that sometimes comes up in discussions of cash bars--if the B&G/bridal party's drinks are "hosted" and everyone else's are not, suddenly the reception becomes a tiered affair. I don't think anyone could find a feasible way to argue that that isn't rude.)</div><div>
    </div><div>Partially I feel so strongly because I virtually never purchase drinks when I go out. I don't go to bars, or clubs, or typically drink at restaurants. When I do, I usually split a carafe with others to keep costs down. Most of my drinking is done at dinner parties hosted by my DH or by my friends where we pick up the beverages for retail price. Someone else's wedding is not a place where I want to look at my $60 restaurant budget for the month and contemplate whether it's worth spending the money I typically budget for 2 lunches on a single whiskey sour.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm not trying to insult those who have opted for cash bars, particularly if that's just "how it's done" in particular society/geographic area. I just think about how much time I spent as a host of my own wedding working with a few of my more-broke friends to make plans that were as easy on their budgets as possible. Had I chosen a cash bar, it would have been a slap in the face to loved ones who worked hard to budget to attend my wedding, but then would end up left out of an activity in which everyone else in more established situations could elect to partake.</div><div>
    </div><div><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">[QUOTE] Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]</span></div><div>
    </div></div>
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:67e0659e-7abe-45f3-932a-6d37885c9160">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Settle this Debate : I'm saying I can't argue against OP's preference. I have my own preference. Neither of our (mine or the OP's) preferences by itself can make something appropriate as far as etiquette goes. (In response to the OP's discussion of the "etiquette fairy." I was trying to figure out what the OP was "disagreeing" with. I was trying to be polite and say that I don't see myself as the arbiter of etiquette, either. Typically, I'll have a phone, photo ID, credit card, and lipgloss. I've also only really attended weddings where I've been staying at a hotel and have very little distance to the venue. So it's not a hard and fast rule. <strong>Some bars would take the credit card if I wanted to use it, but unless they accepted credit tips, too, I wouldn't be able to tip if I bought something on credit.</strong> I hope you read the part in bold, because it's the most important part. I only spend time with teetotalers and those who actively enjoy drinking socially and, because of that, would want to host at least beer for their guests. It's also why I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself invited to a soda-and-apple-juice wedding. In my social sphere, cash bars are unheard of. I'm not such a jerk that if, say, my brother got married I'd turn around if he asked me to buy my own glass of wine.  (Though that raises an interesting question that sometimes comes up in discussions of cash bars--if the B&G/bridal party's drinks are "hosted" and everyone else's are not, suddenly the reception becomes a tiered affair. I don't think anyone could find a feasible way to argue that that isn't rude.) Partially I feel so strongly because I virtually never purchase drinks when I go out. I don't go to bars, or clubs, or typically drink at restaurants. When I do, I usually split a carafe with others to keep costs down. Most of my drinking is done at dinner parties hosted by my DH or by my friends where we pick up the beverages for retail price. Someone else's wedding is not a place where I want to look at my $60 restaurant budget for the month and contemplate whether it's worth spending the money I typically budget for 2 lunches on a single whiskey sour. I'm not trying to insult those who have opted for cash bars, particularly if that's just "how it's done" in particular society/geographic area. I just think about how much time I spent as a host of my own wedding working with a few of my more-broke friends to make plans that were as easy on their budgets as possible. Had I chosen a cash bar, it would have been a slap in the face to loved ones who worked hard to budget to attend my wedding, but then would end up left out of an activity in which everyone else in more established situations could elect to partake.
    Posted by EK2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>EK~~I appreciate the follow up.  I was having a hard time following your line of thought and was having an equally hard time believing someone would actually decline an event over something as trivial as the beverages.</div><div>
    </div><div>I tend to avoid opinion based threads for this reason.  They tend to become hostile, absurd, or too superfluous for my taste or interest.  Apologies for my failure in comprehension.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA:  You may have inadvertently created another "thread within a thread" with the dreaded "tip jar" controversy ;-)</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:ab011c55-7edd-41e5-9334-9840c9b2bd73">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]You may have inadvertently created another "thread within a thread" with the dreaded "tip jar" controversy ;-)
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>AGH noooooo! ;)</div>
  • In Response to Re:Please Settle this Debate:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Settle this Debate:EK.......... Are you disagreeing as to what is your preference, or as to what is more rude? You get to picknbsp; yournbsp; preference cash bar but you do not get to pick whatnbsp; the rest of the world at largenbsp; will find more rude. In the same vein, though, neither do I. Neither of us has polled a representative sample. I'm saying I can't argue against OP's preference. I have my own preference. Neither of our mine or the OP's preferences by itself can make something appropriate as far as etiquette goes. In response to the OP's discussion of the "etiquette fairy."I was trying to figure out what the OP was "disagreeing" with. I was trying to be polite and say that I don't see myself as the arbiter of etiquette, either.However, hoffse's story shines an important light on why a cash bar might be perceived as rude in a situation where hosted alcohol was not available. Can you imagine hosting a party where some people might want to partake in alcohol but not be able to afford it either generally speaking or simply because they do not have cash? Perhaps this is a generational thing, or a "Type A" personality issue, but I honestly cannot fathom leaving my house without ANY type of cash/credit card on me. nbsp;Stuff happens. nbsp;Cars break down. nbsp;On the way you realize you forgot to fill up the car. nbsp;Pants rip this actually happened to my brother at my son's wedding. Typically, I'll have a phone, photo ID, credit card, and lipgloss. I've also only really attended weddings where I've been staying at a hotel and have very little distance to the venue. So it's not a hard and fast rule. Some bars would take the credit card if I wanted to use it, but unless they accepted credit tips, too, I wouldn't be able to tip if I bought something on credit. nbsp; I would feel terrible if a choice I made meant some of my guests feltnbsp; poor all night, watching those with money drink the night away. And what if some of my guests started contemplatingnbsp;borrowingnbsp;money from another guest if they wanted to drink a cocktail? Awkward for both the borrower and the lender! Philosophically, I understand if you prefer to have alcohol around and available, and if you and your loved ones would be willing to pay to purchase it.nbsp; I have never heard of anyone opting to skip alcohol for purely financial reasons. I could never imagine someone judging someone who had a dry wedding because nbsp;1 the reception area e.g. some churches does not permit alcohol to be served or 2 one of the Bamp;G/their VIPs is in recovery. I hope you would agree that there exist very legitimate reasons that a Bamp;G would not want alcohol at their wedding even if some of their guests might prefer to drink. I would never bring cash to a wedding, for the same reasons as hoffse described. If I were told ahead of time that there would be only a cash bar, I would at least know it was let's be seriousnbsp; expectednbsp; of me to bring cash but I also probably wouldn't attend, because none of my nearest and dearest would make that choice .nbsp; I would probably assume that cash bar also means cuts were made as to the quality of the meal and entertainment. Sure that's not always true, but that's just me. I was raised in an area where full open bars are the norm. nbsp;However, my husband grew up in an area that typically has cash bars to some degree. nbsp;I cannot imagine being so judgmental and superior as to decline attendance at their wedding because of such a petty issue. I hope you read the part in bold, because it's the most important part. I only spend time with teetotalers and those who actively enjoy drinking socially and, because of that, would want to host at least beer for their guests. It's also why I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself invited to a sodaandapplejuice wedding. In my social sphere, cash bars are unheard of. I'm not such a jerk that if, say, my brother got married I'd turn around if he asked me to buy my own glass of wine.nbsp;Though that raises an interesting question that sometimes comes up in discussions of cash barsif the Bamp;G/bridal party's drinks are "hosted" and everyone else's are not, suddenly the reception becomes a tiered affair. I don't think anyone could find a feasible way to argue that that isn't rude.Partially I feel so strongly because I virtually never purchase drinks when I go out. I don't go to bars, or clubs, or typically drink at restaurants. When I do, I usually split a carafe with others to keep costs down. Most of my drinking is done at dinner parties hosted by my DH or by my friends where we pick up the beverages for retail price. Someone else's wedding is not a place where I want to look at my 60 restaurant budget for the month and contemplate whether it's worth spending the money I typically budget for 2 lunches on a single whiskey sour.I'm not trying to insult those who have opted for cash bars, particularly if that's just "how it's done" in particular society/geographic area. I just think about how much time I spent as a host of my own wedding working with a few of my morebroke friends to make plans that were as easy on their budgets as possible. Had I chosen a cash bar, it would have been a slap in the face to loved ones who worked hard to budget to attend my wedding, but then would end up left out of an activity in which everyone else in more established situations could elect to partake. Posted by mobkaz Posted by EK2013[/QUOTE]

    All that. I agree. Nicely written.

    I think a lot of the debates not just this post is well she's not doing it MY way so she's a horrible bride and blah de blah. I think we all just need to accept everyone does things different, if you know what offends your guests from your area and who are use to a certain protocol just don't do it that way!


    P.S. my acronyms are horrible...what is MUD?
    Sabinus15
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:0dda145b-4126-4099-9af4-f62f008bfa0b">Re:Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Please Settle this Debate: I am not to be flucked with this week. :D
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>A. Empirical not impirical.</div><div>B. ad hominem is an attack on the character of the debater. as in calling me an idiot. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Be glad my much better half made me temper this post. You are both wrong and inconsiderate.</div><div>
    </div>
  • I dont think a cash bar is rude.  Alcohol is expensive and Im sure your guest understand this.  Plus they are buying drinks for their own enjoyment not so you can make money off of them.  Ive been to plenty of weddings that have done this, and i wasnt the least bit offended.  its always nice to go to a weding with free acholol, but its expensive and not everyone can afford to do this for their guests.  I understand everyones statements that people should be able to attend and enjoy a dry wedding, but every dry wedding ive gone to doesnt last long and people get bored and leave early as sad as that is to say.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:1ebc0a90-4b7d-4cd0-abcd-4646e87f58bf">Re:Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Please Settle this Debate : A. Empirical not impirical. B. ad hominem is an attack on the character of the debater. as in calling me an idiot.  Be glad my much better half made me temper this post. You are both wrong and inconsiderate.
    Posted by OjoGrande[/QUOTE]

    <div>By both of you, I assume you mean me. What I said that was wrong, I don't know. I feel you however, are much more inconsiderate than I in this whole thread. I didn't come on here attacking you about the alcohol to be served at your wedding, you said my dry wedding was a "TERRIBLE idea." So sorry, I think you are an idiot.  Call it ad hominem or whatever I don't care. You like alcohol, not everyone does.  But making tihs the first post on the forum, was an idiot move. Sorry. </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Sorry for jumping in late.  

    I had a dry wedding.  My DH and I aren't much for drinking but we do enjoy a glass of wine or champagne once in a while and he loves irish creme in his coffee.  We had a dry wedding for several reasons: there were quite a few kids invited, many of the guests (close to half, I'd say) don't drink, and it is extremely expensive.

    I don't like this notion that in order to "host people properly" (meaning with alcohol), you should cut your guest list.  For us, that wasn't an option.  In order to afford alchol to the guests, I'm expected to not invite dear cousins and family members?  I'm sorry, but I am certainly not going to do that!  Our guests had the option of punch, water or coffee.  

    I do not feel entitled to alchohol when I go to a wedding and I would be perfectly happy with just punch or water.
  • Well......

    We are having a light dinner with beer and wine, cash bar available. It's on the invite. We are putting our money into the things that mean the most to us, the entertainment, the cake, our rings that we will lokk at every day for forever, and the honeymoon. We are grown with grown children, however this is the first time for both of us to have a "formal" wedding. We are doing it our own way, in our own style. We are not registering, we are not having "gifts" we already have our own "stuff". We want to have a blast with our freinds and family. We are a military family, and still have kids at home, so the budget is tight.

    It is PERFECTLY acceptable to have a cash bar if you are providing beer and or wine. Now to have a cash bar and not provide anything else? Kinda tacky, yes.

    So either a little or none at all. Dry or wet, it is OUR day and I can't see anyone that I would invite being put off by the style in which we do it!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:51870054-0f67-427a-afe4-94750e55b6bb">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE] I don't like this notion that in order to "host people properly" (meaning with alcohol), you should cut your guest list.  For us, that wasn't an option.  In order to afford alchol to the guests, I'm expected to not invite dear cousins and family members?  I'm sorry, but I am certainly not going to do that!  Our guests had the option of punch, water or coffee.   I do not feel entitled to alchohol when I go to a wedding and I would be perfectly happy with just punch or water.
    Posted by lovesclimbing[/QUOTE]
    Hosting just punch, water and coffee is 100% cool (assuming there was nothing else for purchase).
    If cutting the guest list isn't an option, then there are other options such as choosing a different venue.

    When you plan a wedding, I feel like first you should decide what kind of ceremony you want (religious, secular, outdoor, private, whatever). Then you decide your guest list; the people you love and want to share your day with you.
    Then you pick out a venue that would hold all of those people and their SOs and where you could give everyone a chair, a meal, and alcohol if you are not choosing to have a dry wedding for religious/personal reasons.
    THEN you spend what is left on decorations, dress, upgrades, etc.

    If you find yourself having to do a cash bar because you're out of money, you planned incorrectly by not taking your guests into account <strong>first</strong>.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:2d160366-ca1a-468d-8de8-c0166ae96ae1">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, I appreciate that you bring this up in an open and honest way. It is quite the hot topic, as you see, and is complicated. Because of that, I think it's great to get opinions about this.  Every wedding I've been to in my circle (not many, admittedly) often have cash bars. Of course, that doesn't mean it's right according to etiquette but it's what people do. I never once shook my head or was offended by this, but at that point I was unaware of etiquette. However, now I can say I would never expect hosts to pay for my booze. It is expensive and a luxury IMO.  I don't drink, but a lot of my guests do. I would not like to deny them the option of drinking either. So for me, the option was to host the bar. I personally do NOT feel comfortable or feel it's worth the anxiety worrying about not properly hosting my guests so I prioritized getting a venue that allowed outside drinks so I can host guests with alcohol within my budget (wouldn't have been possible otherwise). 
    Posted by xt5678[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I appreciate your understanding.</div><div>
    </div><div>My intention was not to offend anyone, it was merely to broach a conversation. My fiance mentioned this whole concept to me and I couldn't wrap my head around any of it. So I decided to sign up and take my questions to the source. </div><div>
    </div><div>I've garnered this much. There's no right answer. I and my friends happen to find not having alcohol a worse situation than having to pony up for it. I also see the merit to the concept that your guests shouldn't pay for anything. Bottom line is, know your guests. 

    </div><div>PS SoontobeHanby I wasn't talking to you. </div>
  • nbad311nbad311 member
    10 Comments
    edited February 2013
    As a social drinker:  dry weddings are boring.  And, cash bar > dry wedding because at least there is still the option to have drinks.  Cash bar to me means there were budget contraints and maybe it was more important to be able to invite all family and friends than to get everyone hammered, which is respectable and fine with me (but really, is it any of the guests' business?), instead of having to limit the guestlist and offer full alcohol.

     
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:806bc540-8d2d-4250-9e4c-9d32dc51a04f">Re:Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry, I haven't checked back on this thread in awhile, but you deserve a response, so here it is.  Aww, you got me.  I do concede that I misspelled a word.  After typing that entire thing on my phone in under three minutes, how dare I misspell something.  Obviously my entire argument is invalid.  Actually, it's really not.  That is a TYPE of ad hominem attack but is a gross oversimplification of it based off of the translation.  "Of man" does not refer to attacking the man and not the argument, it refers to making an argument that appeals to human emotion rather than fact or science.  Name calling IS often a form of ad hominem attack, but it doesn't mean name calling. And as I demostrated before 1. YOU started the personal character attack with your initial post.  2. I responded in kind to illustrate a point.    Seriously?  Or WHAT, exactly?  What were you planning to do to me from the other side of the internet that your benevolent Fiancee saved me from?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>First of all calling an idea terrible is in no way an ad hominem attack it is an assault on a concept. I didn't say the people who have dry weddings are terrible. </div><div>
    </div><div>Second of all please do not question the benevolence of my fiancé. She stopped me from stooping to your level. I began this entire post because I wanted a deeper level of understanding. You took it to an insultory level. You are not fit to stand in her shadow. </div><div>
    </div><div>If you have no intelligent discourse to add to the debate please just go away, you at no point added your opinion to the topic at hand. Cats drool dogs rule. </div><div>
    </div>
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2013
    I think it's safe to assume that a lot of people would prefer to have the option to drink and pay for it, than for it to be dry (especially if a guest had no reason to assume it was going to be dry beforehand).

    That does NOT mean that a cash bar is more etiquette friendly.

    If that question even needs to be asked, with the exception of those who choose to have a dry wedding for religious reasons / personal reasons / just don't feel the need to have alcohol at the wedding, a breech in etiquette was already made.

    Barring sudden financial hardships, if you have to decide whether to cut your list OR do a cash bar, it means you chose a venue too expensive to properly host your entire guestlist.

    The answer to the question: Would guests prefer a dry wedding or a cashbar
    Should be irrelevant. Because it's a question that would not need to be asked if you'd taken your guests into full account before choosing your venue.

    ETA
    When you're already past the point where you have to choose a Cash Bar, while it might make some of your guests happier, you're pretty much hoping for a two etiquette wrongs make a right sort of thing. And it just doesn't jive.

  • I have a huge family and have been to a TON of weddings. I have only been to one that has had an open bar and it was only for 1 hour. I absolutely do NOT agree that it should be either an open bar or no bar at all. That is ridiculous. We will not be able to pay for others' drinks at our reception but I know my family would be disappointed if they were not allowed to have a drink if they want one (we're Irish). I say it's up to the bride and groom...but for this debate, I would have to say that it is more rude to decline a guest alcohol than have a cash bar.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:028b4bfa-2315-4b20-aa39-52f8eb1068a4">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a huge family and have been to a TON of weddings. I have only been to one that has had an open bar and it was only for 1 hour. I absolutely do NOT agree that it should be either an open bar or no bar at all. That is ridiculous. We will not be able to pay for others' drinks at our reception but I know my family would be disappointed if they were not allowed to have a drink if they want one (we're Irish). I say it's up to the bride and groom...but for this debate<strong>, I would have to say that it is more rude to decline a guest alcohol than have a cash bar.</strong>
    Posted by bfsboo[/QUOTE]

    <div>We are back to dry weddings being rude, <strong>WHICH THEY AREN'T. </strong>I am honestly getting frustrated with this.  So glad most of you aren't coming to my wedding, you would think I was rude by not providing you with alcohol when I have very good reasons for not serving alcohol. Also, if I didn't have good reasons, it doesn't matter.  You would still be properly hosted with dinner, dessert, dancing, and some lemonade or tea.</div>
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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:08703e80-2786-47ac-afc8-68b2c1b92316">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Settle this Debate : Hosting just punch, water and coffee is 100% cool (assuming there was nothing else for purchase). If cutting the guest list isn't an option, then there are other options such as choosing a different venue. When you plan a wedding, I feel like first you should decide what kind of ceremony you want (religious, secular, outdoor, private, whatever). Then you decide your guest list; the people you love and want to share your day with you. Then you pick out a venue that would hold all of those people and their SOs and where you could give everyone a chair, a meal, and alcohol if you are not choosing to have a dry wedding for religious/personal reasons. THEN you spend what is left on decorations, dress, upgrades, etc. If you find yourself having to do a cash bar because you're out of money, you planned incorrectly by not taking your guests into account first .
    Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>We couldn't have gone much cheaper with our wedding.  I wore a $200 dress.  The venue was my grandparent's church which was a couple hundred bucks (we got a discount for being related to participating members).  The only other venue in the vicinity that was cheaper was already booked that day.  It was a winter wedding in Alaska: doing it outside was out of the question.  All of the decorations were DIY.  We did not serve a full meal.  We had no caterers and it wasn't a specifically wedding venue so there were no "upgrades" that we spent money on.  We bought inexpensive invitations on Wedding Paper Divas.  There honestly was not much else we could have done to cut costs.</div><div>
    </div><div>And we did not do a cash bar because we were out of money.  We had a DRY wedding for several reasons that I mentioned in my first post: we had many underage guests, many of the adult guests do not drink at all, and the cost.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_please-settle-this-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09008b65-244d-4ee3-af26-093aa0c3ea11Post:3fb14ed5-918a-4c00-b7ad-98206d302b90">Re: Please Settle this Debate</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please Settle this Debate : We are back to dry weddings being rude, WHICH THEY AREN'T. I am honestly getting frustrated with this.  So glad most of you aren't coming to my wedding, you would think I was rude by not providing you with alcohol when I have very good reasons for not serving alcohol. Also, if I didn't have good reasons, it doesn't matter.  You would still be properly hosted with dinner, dessert, dancing, and some lemonade or tea.
    Posted by soontobehanby[/QUOTE]

    <div>Completely agree with you, soontobehanby.  Basically when I was told by someone I don't know very well and who obviously isn't coming to the wedding that people wouldn't come if we had a dry wedding, I responded, "You don't know my family very well."  Guess what?  They know it is a dry wedding and they are coming anyway.  And I come from a VERY vocal Italian family, so if anyone thought it was rude, I'd know about it.  They don't hold back on anything.  We also have very good reasons why we are not serving alcohol and they are not financial.  </div><div>
    </div><div>When I hear someone saying they <em>need</em> to have a drink at a party or <em>have</em> to have access to alcohol to have a good time, that tells me that that person has a problem.  The same with saying not having alcohol available in some form, even as a cash bar, is TERRIBLE and rude.  Not providing port-a-potty's at an outdoor event in the middle of nowhere is terrible and rude.  Not providing food and water at meal time is terrible and rude.   Not providing a place to sit down and a place to eat is terrible and rude.  But not providing alcohol?  Not terrible or rude.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If you have to get buzzed or drunk to handle being at MY wedding, I don't want you there.</div>
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