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Showers when it's my second wedding?

kdischingerkdischinger member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
This is my second wedding, my fiance's first.  As expected, my family will not be throwing me a shower, however my fi's family INSISTS on throwing not one, not two, but three separate showers (one for his dad's side, one for his mom's side, and another by their friends).  Being that it's my second wedding, I do not feel that I should be having a shower at all.  I understand that it's his first wedding, but it puts me in a very awkward position.  I don't need or want them to have to have a shower buying us gifts that we don't really need.  I have all new kitchen stuff/etc from my first wedding still.  I have explained my position on the subject many times (not trying to be ungrateful) with no avail.  Does anyone have any suggestions? Is it typical to have showers for a second wedding?  Do I stick to my guns and say thanks but no thanks?  Or do I back down and just let them have the showers that they want to have?  I'm really not trying to be ungrateful, but I just feel that it's TOTALLY unnecessary.  Thanks!
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Re: Showers when it's my second wedding?

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    katieisawesomekatieisawesome
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You could choose to decline them, but it would probably hurt their feelings.  I say you just let them know that you didn't expect it but are very grateful and just roll with it and be happy that people are happy for you :)

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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The purpose of a shower is to "shower" the couple with gifts.  Since this is his family, they want to express their love for him, and welcome you into the family.  Getting all the family together to meet the newest addition is fun and very traditional in some families.   I think that flat out refusing would be ungrateful, and may very well offend some of his family, who may think you don't want to get to know them.

    As far as gifts are concerned, are you SURE you really don't need anything as the two of you start your life together?  All new bedding that's for just the two of you?  New towels?  Gift cards for something you like to do together?  Is the real problem that you think you don't deserve the hoopla since you've been there and done that?  Guess what?  It's not just you.  It's the two of you.  And he deserves the hoopla-- as well as do you.

    Talk to the hostesses, and express your concerns about appearances, and then accept gracefully. ~Donna
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    shytownkellyshytownkelly
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Donna!

    The only other thing - you might suggest instead of "showers" maybe one or two of them could just be parties.

    So you'd get all the fun of meeting everyone and socializing - but without so much of the focus being on gifts. 

    And do the showers as a Couples shower - so he can go and enjoy the fun too.  Perhaps a bow bouquet or boutonniere just for him! 
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I say yes do the showers!  It's a nice way to connect with family - his family will be your family and they need to get to know you.
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    kdischingerkdischinger member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Very well put Donna... And that's true.  A lot of it is that I don't want the whole hoopla... But your right, he deserves that too....  I see your point on the gifts, but we really do have everything that we need.  We already live together, I have bought myself, anything that we need including new bedding, furniture, and all of that.  I'm sure I can come up with some things to register for, but I just feel that it's all uneccesary stuff, becuase we really don't NEED anything...

    I tried compromising by suggesting just a party (no gifts) but they insist that everyone wants to buy us gifts and not including gifts is not an option.  I also suggested the couple's shower to my fi so that I feel a little less uncomfortable, and he thinks that's crazy.  He's never heard of a couples shower, and doesn't want to be a guy, at a shower.  Maybe i'll keep talking to him about that subject?
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    milesbellamilesbella member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in the exact same boat.  Fiance's family is insisting and it's his first marriage.  My dilemma comes with MY family.  Do you invite your mother or sisters/aunts?  I really don't think they would want to come ... but I worry if they're not invited, they'll be insulted.
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    fireytigerfireytiger member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd say just talk to them and say you're thankful that they want to celebrate with so many showers, but ask if they can maybe combine all those 3 showers into just one? I know you may not feel you need anything but you can always upgrade. If they're wanting to throw you three showers, then I think unless they get to give you at least one they're going to be disppointed. Go ahead and have fun. :)
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    lindaloulubbocklindaloulubbock
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My FMIL is throwing a shower for us.  One of my friends leaked the info from the invite, and I asked my FI about it.  I then FORBID him to tell her I knew, because I feel just like you, and I don't want to be involved at all. in the pre-planning  And, I don't want to hear what my family has to say about it since they told me right away they weren't having a shower for me (which was absolutely fine, I had a beautiful shower 10 years ago, and I still use those gifts every day).

    I'd say let them shower you, remove yourself as much as possible, register for something somewhere (picture frames? curtains? outdoor gear? tools?), invite your family, and let it go.  Be happy they want to welcome you in this way.


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    mightyoakesmightyoakes member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just had my shower! And I'm glad I did (I wasn't going to have one either because of this being my second marriage)

    And not because of the gifts (although I was thrilled with the gifts!) It was the connecting with my fmaily and friends. I don't know if it is just me, but I'm a really busy person and if it weren't for my smartphone, I wouldn't be in contact with too many people! So it was great to be "in-person" with everyone.

    Oh! My MOH had a medditerainian theme and belly dancing lessons from an instructor! It was a blast!

    Christine
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    lindaloulubbocklindaloulubbock
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Christine-

    I hope I'll be saying the same thing in two weeks.  Sigh.  I'm just not looking forward to this. FMIL told me about my shower, FI can't be there, and a bunch of my closest friends can't make it (understandable since we've all got small children and life is just busy).  I'm just completely uncomfortable with it.

    SIgh.
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_showers-its-second-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d47d39c6-236c-4a6a-aaa5-e2ad4129cb99Post:a5a80a11-9773-4c31-a8a0-ffdb9e079fce">Re: Showers when it's my second wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You could choose to decline them, but it would probably hurt their feelings.  I say you just let them know that you didn't expect it but are very grateful and just roll with it and be happy that people are happy for you :)
    Posted by katieisawesome[/QUOTE]

    Agreed!  Just roll with it, baby!!  Have fun. 
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    lgordylgordy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you don't need things for your house because you have all of that, why not ask them to make your showers theme related.  A honeymoon shower? You could do a honeymoon registry.  Or ask them to donate to a charity of your choice? Gift certificates to local resteraunts or things around town so that you and your FI can have new experiences together.
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    RKwedding2011RKwedding2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The idea of a honeymoon shower sounds great! Think of the shower as a loving way your new family wants to dote on you. Enjoy spending time with the family and getting to know them.

    My Maitron of honor is throwing me a shower.  I'm excited about being able to connect with everyone.
    Katie
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