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People who aren't invited to the wedding want to throw me a shower!

palegirl146palegirl146
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in Pre-wedding Parties
Our guest list is at 179, so it's not exactly a small wedding, but we still know lots of people who aren't on the guest list.  A group of church ladies want to throw me a shower, but only 4 couples from church are invited to the wedding.  I'm already over budget, so spending another $2000 to invite 20 more guests is a not really worth just getting to have a shower.  I've tried to politely decline the offer, telling them I don't have room on the guest list to invite extras, and one lady told me to just invite them!  How do I handle this?  Do I just suck it up because in the scheme of the wedding, I won't even notice an extra 20 people, and in the scheme of life, I won't really notice another $2000?  Or do I continue to make it clear that I really don't want a shower?  My entire WP is all over the country (CA, WI, VA, MI, FL, and GA), so we weren't really expecting or wanting any pre-wedding parties.  To us, the wedding ceremony and reception are enough celebration!  We've also only been in this town for about a year, so it's not like we've been a part of this church community since we were babies...we've met all these people in the past year!  I'm sure they mean well, but it's just an added amount of stress on top of planning this wedding without any local BMs or family! 
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Re: People who aren't invited to the wedding want to throw me a shower!

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    waltzingmatilda13waltzingmatilda13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just continue to decline the shower. Be very firm in stating that you don't want it and can't add anyone else to your wedding guest list. Eventually they will realize that you really don't want/need this shower and will stop. Or they'll throw it anyway and look like idiots when you don't show up.
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    laurprezlaurprez
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with waltzingmatilda.  And I completely agree with all of your thoughts, too.  Especially the part about only having been in your town less than a year.  I understand they are trying to do something nice, but they are putting you in an uncomfortable position.  Weddings have enough stress without outisde influences!!  Stay strong and don't budge!!!
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    ckonidakckonidak member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-arent-invited-wedding-want-throw-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:67f90123-be9d-458e-8c27-ce9cde321320Post:544f4a2d-a11d-488c-83e7-ff56cdc2a2ae">Re: People who aren't invited to the wedding want to throw me a shower!</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Thank you so much for offering to host a shower for me. I'm already having several wedding-related events, and just can't fit another into my schedule. I am honored by your offer."
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This. Well said Retread.
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    kristina901kristina901 member
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    edited December 2011
    You will not notice an extra 20 people at the wedding... but you will feel the extra $2000!! Do not cave and invite them Stay strong. I am in the same boat- as far as our families wanting us to invite people we don't even know! A wedding is about having the people there that have supported you throughout your life- or supported your relationship.
    If they still insist in throwing you a shower- you could always just go- as long as they know they are not invited. If you really do not want a shower thrown by them- then just don't show up. And maybe find a better church community who will be more understanding!
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    chiwawachiwawa
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've got a similar thing going on at work.  My unit is all women and the want to throw me a shower.  They've mentioned it a few times in the almost two years I've been engaged.  The problem is, none of my co-workers are on the guest list for the wedding.  I'd feel bad if they went to the trouble to have a shower for me, but I can't afford to invite them all and their husbands.  The shower would most likely be at work during work hours, too, so I couldn't use the scheduling excuse (which is otherwise briliant, by the way).
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    whaleflipflopswhaleflipflops member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_people-arent-invited-wedding-want-throw-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:67f90123-be9d-458e-8c27-ce9cde321320Post:8623d50f-788a-4420-8b21-130170bcbaa7">Re: People who aren't invited to the wedding want to throw me a shower!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've got a similar thing going on at work.  My unit is all women and the want to throw me a shower.  They've mentioned it a few times in the almost two years I've been engaged.  The problem is, none of my co-workers are on the guest list for the wedding.  I'd feel bad if they went to the trouble to have a shower for me, but I can't afford to invite them all and their husbands.  The shower would most likely be at work during work hours, too, so I couldn't use the scheduling excuse (which is otherwise briliant, by the way).
    Posted by chiwawa[/QUOTE]
    My understanding is that coworkers and office showers are the only exception to the <em>everyone who gets invited to the shower gets invited to the wedding</em> rule.
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    bekahjane89bekahjane89 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In my church circles and in the south in general, church showers fall under the "exception" list. It isn't uncommon to have a shower at the church and not all of the guests at the shower be invited to the wedding.
    That was more or less a just so you know thing... if you've only been a member for a year or so, I'd say continue declining the shower. This is usually when the Bride has been a member of the church since childhood, large family in the church etc.

    HTH
    Beka Lou
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I've always heard that church showers fall under the "exception" list too. So if that's acceptable in your social circle, then I wouldn't feel bad accepting the shower.

    That really depends on your circle and church though.
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