Do not want a card box - Thoughts?

asumeggi · January 2013

Hi Knotties!

We are having a small 50-guest wedding in October. I would prefer not to clutter up our guest book table with a card box (we do not plan to have a gift table) and personally I don't feel that a card box is appropriate from an etiquette standpoint. No beef against those who do this - I understand that it's common these days, it's just not for us.

Has anyone else passed on the card box/birdcage? If any guests do unexpectedly bring cards will they typically figure out how to discreetly pass it to a member of the bridal party for safekeeping?

Your thoughts are much appreciated. Thanks ladies!

J&K10910 · January 2013

Think about this for a second. Let's say that at least some guests DO find a member of the wedding party to give their card to. What are the wedding party members supposed to do with them? That's highly inconvenient for them.

Maybe regionally this is more common near you, but if my H and I hadn't had a gift table and card box, no one would have had any idea what to do with their gifts/cards. I'm guessing we would have lost at least a few.

Benny618 · January 2013

I'm with you... I don't like the card box from an etiquette standpoint either (although on the e-board they have no problem with it). I think it seems so gift grabby, like THIS IS WHERE TO PUT MY GIFTS! OVER HERE!

I would guess that I only receive cards (no boxed gifts), since that's typical in my area. I will NOT be having any sort of card box. Guests customarily give the cards to the bride and groom or the parents.

We will figure out what we are going to do with the cards as it gets closer, but at my bat mitzvah my mom kept a bag under the table by her seat and all the cards went in that. We'll probably do something similar at my wedding.

I understand people have some concerns about cards getting stolen, however I'm not too worried about that. Besides the fact that no one at my parents table is going to steal from us, people in my circle only give checks, and you can't cash someone elses check very easily...

That's how it's always done in my circle and no one has had any issues with stolen cards, however I have seen many people side eye card boxes (again, in my circle, I know not everyone agrees).

unchatenfrance · January 2013

Why aren't you having a gift table at the wedding? Are you sure that nobody will bring a boxed gift to the wedding? If they do, don't be surprised if they put it on the guestbook table because they don't know where else to put it. Also, people give gift cards as gifts, and put them in wedding cards.

I think it's simpler for everybody (guests, bride and groom, wedding party, immediate family) to just have a guestbook/gift/cardbox table.

How elaborate is your guestbook table going to be? You can put a small, discrete gift box in the corner.

If in one's circle it is customary to give money gifts anyway, I don't see what the problem with an elegant card box is.

Peledreamsofrain · January 2013

Cardboxes/birdcages aren't for you, or for pleasing you. They are an item of convenience abd courtesy for your guests. It isn't very nice to force them to hunt someone down, hand them a lot of cash, and hope they gave it to the right person. It's not fashion or pref er nce, its making your guest's experience a good one instead of stressing them out and confusing them when they could be otherwise enjoying themselves.

J&K10910 · January 2013

I find that very interesting.

I think by the time you're actually at the reception, a card box is more a convenience than anything. I don't really see how it's gift grabby when the option to puchase gifts is no longer available (because, you know, you're already there). I could see it as PRESUMPTIVE, maybe, like you're assuming that people will be bringing you cards. Again, it must be regional/social circle dependent, because people around here would have no idea what to do with their card/gift if there was no gift table or card box.

Benny618 · January 2013

I have been a guest at many weddings with no card boxes, and I have never felt stressed or confused. When I say hello to the bride and groom during cocktail hour, I hand them the card. That's customary in this area. Nothing stressful or confusing about that to me.

AddieCake · January 2013

How is a gift table gift grabby? Most guests DO bring gifts. If you don't plan to have a gift table, where will people put their gifts? I always bring my gift to the wedding. Every gift we received for our wedding was brought TO the wedding. I think not having one is inconvenient to your guests, and if I didn't know where to put my gift, I would probably take it back to my car and home later.

J&K10910 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:bb59a553-2635-4ac9-a4a5-91d480e1099f">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been a guest at many weddings with no card boxes, and I have never felt stressed or confused. When I say hello to the bride and groom during cocktail hour, I hand them the card. That's customary in this area. Nothing stressful or confusing about that to me.
Posted by Benny618[/QUOTE]

That's why I keep saying maybe it's regional.

But here is my concern: If this was typically in OP's area or social circle, she wouldn't have felt the need to ask. I'm telling you, as someone in an area where card boxes are common practice, I wouldn't be sure what to do with my card. Not because I'm a moron, but because I'd feel bad pulling a wedding party member out of a conversation to deal with it. And as a bride, I would be highly irritated by having to deal with all the cards when I should be entertaining my guests and spending time with my new husband.

asumeggi · January 2013

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. We do feel, like J&K mentioned, that the presence of a gift table and/or card box seems presumptive - as though you're saying, "Of course you brought a card or gift, right?"

According to most wedding etiquette advice I've read, any gifts the guests want to give should be delivered ideally prior to or, if necessary, after the wedding. So although I certainly don't want any guests to feel awkward with a card or boxed gift in tow and unsure of where to put it, technically that shouldn't happen anyway.

Some of your comments are making me think twice though!

I suppose that's why I'm asking.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Card boxes also help keep people from walking off with your cards. My friend had did not have a card box at her wedding and there were at least two confirmed instances of cards getting stolen off the table. We had a box at our wedding and insured that all the cards were kept together, which made it easy to deliver with the other gifts to our hotel room after the reception.

J&K10910 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:b28d71f1-52ea-4eec-9d49-1ccfe67203a0">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. We do feel, like J&K mentioned, that the presence of a gift table and/or card box seems presumptive - as though you're saying, "Of course you brought a card or gift, right?" <strong>According to most wedding etiquette advice I've read, any gifts the guests want to give should be delivered ideally prior to or, if necessary, after the wedding. So although I certainly don't want any guests to feel awkward with a card or boxed gift in tow and unsure of where to put it, technically that shouldn't happen anyway. </strong>Some of your comments are making me think twice though! :) I suppose that's why I'm asking.
Posted by asumeggi[/QUOTE]

I promise you that even though that IS correct etiquette, you will still get both cards and boxed gifts at your wedding. If there is no obvious place to put them, who knows what will happen. I do agree that people will likely leave themo n the guestbook table.

Peledreamsofrain · January 2013

People will show up with gifts and cards. We got approxamately 20 cards and 20 boxes. Practicality sometimes rules the day.

Simply Fated · January 2013

I'm not a fan of them, either, but it really is just a safer way to store your cards until they get safely home.

Benny618 · January 2013

J&K, my response was more directed towards Peledrums comment about guests being "stressed or confused" if you don't have a card box, since as a guest to many weddings without card boxes, I have never felt that way.

I do agree that if its common in OPs area to have a card box and gift table then it might confuse her guests not to do it. I was just speaking for my circle and my area where I've never even seen someone bring a boxed gift to a wedding, and where it is side eyed to have a card box.

Benny618 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:9d1dc2ea-491f-4c64-80c8-7b8941af2708">Re:Do not want a card box Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]People will show up with gifts and cards. We got approxamately 20 cards and 20 boxes. Practicality sometimes rules the day.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

That's not always true. I have never been to a wedding in my area where people brought gifts/there was a gift table. I'm just trying to point out that it's not customary in all areas and all circles to do that.

EK2013 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:b28d71f1-52ea-4eec-9d49-1ccfe67203a0">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. We do feel, like J&K mentioned, that the presence of a gift table and/or card box seems presumptive - as though you're saying, "Of course you brought a card or gift, right?" According to most wedding etiquette advice I've read, any gifts the guests want to give should be delivered ideally prior to or, if necessary, after the wedding.<strong> So although I certainly don't want any guests to feel awkward with a card or boxed gift in tow and unsure of where to put it, technically that shouldn't happen anyway.</strong> Some of your comments are making me think twice though! :) I suppose that's why I'm asking.
Posted by asumeggi[/QUOTE]

<div>Please make your decisions so that a guest who, for example, brought a boxed gift to the wedding wouldn't feel awkward about giving you your present. And please don't judge someone who wants to give you a gift for giving it at a time that goes against this "wedding etiquette advice." Different people grow up with different wedding norms, and so I'd recommend that you as a host just think about how to try to make your guests comfortable!</div><div>
</div><div>This doesn't mean that you need to get a box with a lock that says "CARDS" on it, but it does mean that you owe it to yourself, your VIPs, and your guests to come up with an official plan as to what should be done with cards/cash and gifts--in case there are any guests who need a little help figuring out how to give you their gift!</div>

asumeggi · January 2013

I think we may come from a similar cultural background as you, Benny618. My family comes from a predominantly Jewish suburb of Chicago and I feel like I grew up with pretty conservative views of gift giving etiquette. Even from the beginning of the wedding planning, my mom was shocked that I would think to invite elderly members of the family to the wedding since they would clearly not be able to travel to Dallas for the party. Her reasoning was that they would perceive the invite as gift grubbing. I'm simply concerned that they would be upset if they didn't receive an invite and know that we thought of them.

Perhaps foregoing the card box isn't the best option for our Dallas wedding, though. Just because everyone knows to give the gifts to the mom at every Bat Mitzvah in Chicago doesn't mean our Dallas guests won't be totally lost in the sauce! Lol!

I suppose I could just set up a decorative birdcage without a label and people can figure it out if necessary.

MoonlightSilver · January 2013

I like the idea of a bag or box under the head table, or under your parent's table, in which you can put any cards. It will be annoying for you, because without a card box people will hand you the cards and then you'll have to take time to go back to the table and put them away. But otherwise I don't see how it's any less safe than a cardbox.

kmmssg · January 2013

OP - think about the weddings you have attended in your area, in your circle of friends, and in your family. Are there gift tables? Are their card boxes? People will be looking for what they are familiar with.

I've lived different parts of my life in OH and MI and have never been to a wedding that didn't have a card box AND boxed gifts. Ever. That is the norm in the circles I run and the region where I have lived. I completely understand that in NY it is unheard of to take boxed gifts to a wedding.

If no card box is the norm for your crowd then no one will be looking for it. If it is the norm, I think it would be terribly inconsiderate to expect your bridal party to deal with these for you. A card box isn't a demand for a card and money, it is there as a convenience and to keep cards safe.

STARMOON44 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:de380708-5fc3-42e1-b04f-1fa368f01cc1">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I suppose I could just set up a decorative birdcage without a label and people can figure it out if necessary.
Posted by asumeggi[/QUOTE]

<div>Am I missing something? If you are concerned about seeming presumptuous, wouldn't the solution be to have a plain, discreet cardbox in the corner of a table so you'll only notice it if you're looking for it? A decorative birdcage will just bring it to the attention of everyone there.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

asumeggi · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:b857593c-3f19-44a2-95f3-c031f28c6bdc">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts? : Am I missing something? If you are concerned about seeming presumptuous, wouldn't the solution be to have a plain, discreet cardbox in the corner of a table so you'll only notice it if you're looking for it? A decorative birdcage will just bring it to the attention of everyone there.
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

Great point. Maybe a very discreet card box would be better. Or maybe we'll just pass on the whole thing - the wedding is only 50 people, many of whom are traveling, and we'll know everyone closely. As long as we have a plan for where the cards or gifts will go (if people do show up with them) we should be fine.

It's hard to say what the standard is here in Dallas - all the Texas brides' weddings I've attended have been destination affairs out of the country. So in that case there definitely weren't any guests bringing gifts with them.

Thanks for all the input ladies.

ljsquintz · January 2013

I completely disagree with Benny repeatedly saying "in my area" they don't have gift tables. I am from NJ/NY and there is always a card box/gift table at the weddings I go to.

lauralaur · January 2013

Almost everyone that attended our wedding brought a card. Even those that brought a boxed gift or gave us a gift previously still brought a card with their well wishes to our wedding.

A lot of people that I know are also not aware that it is more convenient for the bride and groom to ship the gift to their house rather than bring it to the wedding, I know I didn't know this until I started planning my own wedding.

Unless weddings in your family/circle of friends never have these things I would consider having them. Or, at the very least, come up with a plan for safekeeping and storage until the reception is over. I know if I was a bridesmaid and someone handed me a card I would likely be hounding the bride over what to do with it because I wouldn't want to be responsible for losing or forgetting it. If you all agree that all cards will go to mom who will keep them at her table, then I think that is fine.

asumeggi · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:7b20b466-74e5-4e13-9a4b-12d84dfeff60">Re:Do not want a card box Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Gift tables and card boxes are no more an etiquette breach than a registry and for the same reason. They aren't to ENCOURAGE gift giving, they are to make the lives of guests who CHOOSE to bring a gift easier. The card box is also a security measure. If you don't want one, don't have one, but don't pretend it's for your guests' sake. It is YOUR personal preference and it will inconvenience others. Someone is going to have to tend to those things and your guests are going to be stuck carrying them around until that happens.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Lots of heated opinions on this topic it seems. Every wedding I've gone to I have done my best to be considerate of the bride. The happy couple shouldn't be burdened with keeping track of cards and gifts on the way to their honeymoon. So I send my gift in advance.

Interesting how many people seem quite so bothered that we would inconvenience our guests by not providing a box to put things in. We're spending thousands of dollars in providing awesome food, entertainment, and beverage to our guests and we expect nothing in resturn besides their presence to share our happy day. I would say that we have absolutely put our guests first.

Should have known better than to post on TK etiquette board. My father will keep cards in his coat pocket and we will all have a jolly good time dangit - and without a card box. :)

Benny618 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:d9a98d48-f6ae-43c1-a172-2973aa802086">Re:Do not want a card box Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Do not want a card box Thoughts? : Lots of heated opinions on this topic it seems. Every wedding I've gone to I have done my best to be considerate of the bride. The happy couple shouldn't be burdened with keeping track of cards and gifts on the way to their honeymoon. So I send my gift in advance. <strong>Interesting how many people seem quite so bothered that we would inconvenience our guests by not providing a box to put things in. </strong>We're spending thousands of dollars in providing awesome food, entertainment, and beverage to our guests and we expect nothing in resturn besides their presence to share our happy day. I would say that we have absolutely put our guests first. Should have known better than to post on TK etiquette board. <strong>My father will keep cards in his coat pocket and we will all have a jolly good time dangit - and without a card box. :)
</strong>Posted by asumeggi[/QUOTE]

AGREED!

Benny618 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:9d7bad1b-6762-4f29-a56f-51b45ff38fec">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely disagree with Benny repeatedly saying "in my area" they don't have gift tables. I am from NJ/NY and there is always a card box/gift table at the weddings I go to.
Posted by ljsquintz[/QUOTE]

I have "repeatedly said" in my area AND in my circle. I am by no means making a blanket statement, although many people seem to be making blanket statements that it's rude to guests to not have a gift table, or that some guests bring boxed gifts to every wedding. I made every attempt to explain my preferance against the card box as personal to my area AND my social circle.

32daisies · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:9d7bad1b-6762-4f29-a56f-51b45ff38fec">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely disagree with Benny repeatedly saying "in my area" they don't have gift tables. I am from NJ/NY and there is always a card box/gift table at the weddings I go to.
Posted by ljsquintz[/QUOTE]

For what it's worth, ditto. Just in the interest of information. I'm from NY, and weddings I've been to my entire life always have a gift box and/or table. Many guests, if not all, bring gifts to the wedding. Right or wrong of them to do so.

Another factor I don't think anyone has mentioned is the size of the wedding. OP, you mentioned 50 guests -- so maybe it's not a hassle for a family member or wedding party member to keep track of gifts at a small wedding. I'm looking at 200+ at mine, and I don't think anyone's suit pocket could accomodate that many envelopes.

To each otheir own. I don't think there's any reason to get angry. You asked a question and there are a lot of opinions. I happen to agree that it's a convenience for your guests, nothing more, and polite to provide it, but it's your day so you decide. :)

32daisies · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-not-want-a-card-box-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ffe3898c-317f-4007-9456-af81749e1c11Post:ac41ce1a-273b-46f9-9b56-fb05b8fbb1c7">Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do not want a card box - Thoughts? : I have "repeatedly said" in my area AND in my circle. I am by no means making a blanket statement, although many people seem to be making blanket statements that it's rude to guests to not have a gift table, or that some guests bring boxed gifts to every wedding. I made every attempt to explain my preferance against the card box as personal to my area AND my social circle.
Posted by Benny618[/QUOTE]

Totally valid. I got that, fwiw. Just throwing out a different experience in a similar geographic area.

Simply Fated · January 2013

50 cards, or an amount near that, could be an inconvenience to your dad. Besides potentially weighing him down, are his pockets even big enough for a stack that big? You can find out by going to a card store and giving it a try. It would just suck if he was on the dance floor and the cards spill out everywhere. I get not wanting to have a card box, but not at the risk of putting the burden on your dad. It's just not fair to him. Please consider an alternative plan. I mean, if you don't think it'll be a big deal for your dad, why not have your fianc hang on to them in his pockets?

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

I understand why you don't want one, but just think about it from a convenience/safekeeping standpoint. Even if your guests know to give it to a WP member or you or your mom, then what will you guys do with those cards? You will still have a large amount of cards and money in one location, which isn't the safest if they're just sitting out somewhere. And if it wasn't my cards, I would feel uncomfortable being responsible for someone else's money throughout the evening (like a WP member).

Having a card box takes out the middle man, and you can put it in a location that is easily supervised. It's also a lot more noticeable if someone tries to steal a card out of the box rather than slipping it off a table with a bunch of cards sitting there. Brides on here (more than a few) have posted saying cards/money got stolen from their wedding (not by guests, necessarily but other people at the venue), and in most of those cases, the cards were not in a card box at the time.

ETA: Do you seriously think 50 cards can fit in one man's pockets? You're crazy!

Do not want a card box - Thoughts?

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