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Should a fiance choose sides?

cjoinescjoines
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Hello fellow brides,
My fiance and I have had to cut our guest list from 160 to 100. After consulting with the families, we finalized the list and sent out Save The Dates. About 2 weeks later, his mom insisted we add her cousins to the list. Since we had cut all of my own cousins, we decided we couldn't add anyone, plus it would put us over budget and we'd already agreed to add people for her at an earlier planning stage. Well, this upset her very much and she spent weeks crying and begging and even had my fiance's dad call him to beg.  She even hung up on my fiance in anger. As a couple, we decided we had to stick to our guns and say no. Eventually, we allowed her to cut 2 people from the list to make room.

The entire thing was very upsetting for us both and quite frankly, incredibly childish on his mother's end. So while we were visiting a few weeks later, I asked her to help me understand why it was so important. She said it was because he had said no to her and she didn't like that. We had a good talk and I thought that was it. Until I got an email from her saying that she expects that her children will never say no to her. So I replied with an email, approved by my fiance, reiterating our position and apologizing for upsetting her. Well, now she is offended by my email.

Ladies, I feel like I'm taking the blame for a decision we made together as a couple. I tried to explain that to her, but it didn't take. My fiance is mad because he is stuck in the middle but I am upset that he won't defend me. In a screaming match, I told him that as my husband, he will have to take my side. That's marrige--backing each other up no matter what. So he's mad, I'm mad and MIL is mad.

Help?!
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Re: Should a fiance choose sides?

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    Girlie1030Girlie1030 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Your FMIL is a real peach. It sounds like you're both taking your frustrations with his mom out on each other - I'd give it some time so you can both cool off. 
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2012
    Wait a minute. You and your fi decided to stick to your guns and he did say no to her. Then you both decided to allow her to remove guests from her list so she could invite her cousins, right? You should not have brought it up again after that.

    It takes at least two to argue. When you and fi make a decision give your fmil the final answer and move on quickly. You don't need to justify yourselves to her or give her a chance to explain her bratty behaviour. If she is not used to taking no for an answer, it may take a few times for her to realize that her son has joined  a new team. But it will sink in.

    Don't undermine yourselves by arguing with each other over her. Premarital counseling would be very helpful.

    ETA - I hope you didn't send save the dates to those few people that  she cut from the guest list. That would be very bad form.
                       
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    cjoinescjoines
    First Comment
    Thanks for the replies. He did talk to her on the phone and while she was still angry and defensive, he told her to cease fire. You're right, it will probably rear its ugly head again with kids but oddly enough, that is something I'm prepared for. She just won't be allowed to interact with them unsupervised. Fortunately, we live 2,000 miles from her so I do have that advantage. I'm trying to learn to let it roll off my back but it will take time. We have been doing premarital counseling, we have a session tonight, and I'm sure it will come up. My sister said I should limit my contact with her for a while and let her cool down. I thought I was doing the right thing by addressing the tension and trying to understand her side but obviously that was the wrong approach. I'm hoping that if I can just ignore, ignore, ignore, she'll get bored and pick on someone else. (Sadly, my fmil's other daughter in law usually bears the brunt of her anger and disappointment.) Keep your fingers crossed for me! Thanks for the support!

    PS. Yes, we had to "uninvite" 2 people that had received Save The Dates. But, she had to choose them from her own invites and she had to tell them. She chose one of my fi's cousins and they are very familiar with her bad behavior. They were probably relieved to be excused.
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    mbodymbody
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-a-fiance-choose-sides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d2e7fe07-9a1d-4d1e-a5d1-53d367f57ca3Post:d9c4f3c4-abb1-46c5-bf2c-c0ea089f34a8">Re: Should a fiance choose sides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the replies. He did talk to her on the phone and while she was still angry and defensive, he told her to cease fire. You're right, it will probably rear its ugly head again with kids but oddly enough, that is something I'm prepared for. She just won't be allowed to interact with them unsupervised. Fortunately, we live 2,000 miles from her so I do have that advantage. I'm trying to learn to let it roll off my back but it will take time. We have been doing premarital counseling, we have a session tonight, and I'm sure it will come up. My sister said I should limit my contact with her for a while and let her cool down. I thought I was doing the right thing by addressing the tension and trying to understand her side but obviously that was the wrong approach. I'm hoping that if I can just ignore, ignore, ignore, she'll get bored and pick on someone else. (Sadly, my fmil's other daughter in law usually bears the brunt of her anger and disappointment.) Keep your fingers crossed for me! Thanks for the support! PS. <strong>Yes, we had to "uninvite" 2 people that had received Save The Dates. But, she had to choose them from her own invites and she had to tell them.</strong> She chose one of my fi's cousins and they are very familiar with her bad behavior. They were probably relieved to be excused.
    Posted by cjoines[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It is incredibly rude to 'uninvite' someone who received a STD. STD=Wedding invite. And it doesn't matter who told them, it's still rude. 
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I know you were dealing with a touch situation with your FMIL, but she made her list and STDs were sent, so she shouldn't have revisited that guest's invite status. </div>
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    RockstarWifey0912RockstarWifey0912
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-a-fiance-choose-sides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:d2e7fe07-9a1d-4d1e-a5d1-53d367f57ca3Post:d9c4f3c4-abb1-46c5-bf2c-c0ea089f34a8">Re: Should a fiance choose sides?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the replies. He did talk to her on the phone and while she was still angry and defensive, he told her to cease fire. You're right, it will probably rear its ugly head again with kids but oddly enough, that is something I'm prepared for. She just won't be allowed to interact with them unsupervised. Fortunately, we live 2,000 miles from her so I do have that advantage. I'm trying to learn to let it roll off my back but it will take time. We have been doing premarital counseling, we have a session tonight, and I'm sure it will come up. My sister said I should limit my contact with her for a while and let her cool down. I thought I was doing the right thing by addressing the tension and trying to understand her side but obviously that was the wrong approach. I'm hoping that if I can just ignore, ignore, ignore, she'll get bored and pick on someone else. (Sadly, my fmil's other daughter in law usually bears the brunt of her anger and disappointment.) Keep your fingers crossed for me! Thanks for the support! <strong>PS. Yes, we had to "uninvite" 2 people that had received Save The Dates. But, she had to choose them from her own invites and she had to tell them. She chose one of my fi's cousins and they are very familiar with her bad behavior. They were probably relieved to be excused.</strong>
    Posted by cjoines[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would be too!  Yikes!</div>

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    Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    "Should a fiance choose sides?"  Yes.  He should choose yours. 

    You two don't always have to agree on everything, there may be some instances where he legitimately agrees with his mother, but you two need to work that out between yourselves WITHOUT letting her influence (or witness) the discussion.  Once you've come to a compromise you then present the united front to everyone else.  It sounds like he's doing that, so I think you'll probably be alright. 

    Is your MIL a little cray-cray for thinking her children will never say no to her?  yes.  But as long as you two agree you should be alright.

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    semplesarahsemplesarah
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    I am sorry you are having problems. The guest list can be a head ache!
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    BMSawaBMSawa
    First Comment
    It is your fiance's - and your - responsibility to support each other.  He needs to get it through his head that he does support and stand up for you to your FMIL.  If something is making you that upset, and he just sits by and lets it happen, what a joke.  That is not for better or worse, that is for better or until an awkward situation presents itself.  Keep it respectful with the FMIL, then you can't ever be at fault.  He needs to decide whether he is in or out.  Until then, problems will continue to escalate.
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