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Iowa-Des Moines
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Guest list drama

LRPJLRPJ
100 Comments
in Iowa-Des Moines
Hi everyone!  I will try to make this short, but I need to vent:

FI and I have big families.  Our reception venue can accommodate 250 people.  We have been working on the guest list for MONTHS, but it's still an issue.

FI parents want to invite literally everyone from their town to our wedding. 

I explained to them that we will divide our list into 3 lists of 90.  To be fair: 90 for them, 90 for my parents, and 90 for my fiance and me.  Yes, that equals 270, but we're completely comfortable inviting over by 20 people.

HOWEVER, his parents do not think this is fair.  They are worried about people being offended about not getting an invite to our wedding, since they invited 200 people to FI brother's wedding.  They cannot narrow their list down to 90 people. 

One of our friends over-invited by 50 people and had the same mentality (there will be a lot of people that are unable to come), and they had to UN-INVITE 15 people.  H*LL NO. 

I am not being ignorant or naiive; I realize that we will have a number of people that will be unable to attend.  But, the principle is we want to be FAIR to all of our parents.  The people they want to invite are people we've never even met (their college friends, old coworkers, etc).  This has been my only bridezilla moment thusfar, and I don't know how to handle it. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Re: Guest list drama

  • EllenG27EllenG27
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you are being fair. You have to divide it up equally. Would they be able to come up with a 'must-have' list?? And maybe you will just have to be stricter and limit it to people you or your fiance have actually met.
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  • ToBeMrs2011ToBeMrs2011 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you are being more than fair.  I would hold firm on your numbers.  If your parents & yourself/the groom, can narrow it down to 90 people, then they need to do the same. 

    I feel your pain though, we have a similar siutation with numbers (large families & friends) but we had to narrow it down, albeit difficult, sometimes it just has to be done. 

    I hope your in-laws understand & help you guys out!  Finger crossed for you!
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  • ks107021ks107021
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you are being extremely fair!! 

    We had kind of the same issue, so I feel your pain.  But, we gave my parents a number and they had to stick to it.  (After much negotiation and even tears)  They had to take some people off they really wanted, but unfortunately we had to take people off our list we really wanted as well.   I would stick to your guns and also let them know your wedding is not the same as FI's brothers.  Good luck!! 
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  • deregniernderegniern
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Again, totally feel your pain as I have had to do this with my mom a little.  I finally ended up telling her that we only want people at the wedding who actually know FI and I and people we have interacted with in the last 3 years.  To me, if you haven't seen or heard from someone in 3 years, do they really need to be at your wedding?  My thought is no.  Anyway... stick to your 90 per group.  That is totally fair.  The snappy side of me wants to say tell them if they cant stick to 90, than they can have 0, but I think that may be a little harsh.  It is your wedding not their wedding.  In my moms case I felt a little bad because she is helping to pay for the wedding.  I dont know if that is the case with your FIs parents, but that could also be a sticking point on the matter.
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  • LRPJLRPJ
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow-so great to know I'm not alone on this issue--and that other people think it's as fair as I do. Thanks for the support everyone! I'm sure we'll be having another guestlist "discussion" when his parents in the near future, so here's to hoping it goes better than the previous times :-) Thanks again!!
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  • medusia00medusia00 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Stay Strong!! You set  out a logical system, and they need to respect that. If it comes down to it, ask them who they talk to or see on a regular basis and make those people their 90.

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  • mlharrison23mlharrison23
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh wow, I am kind of having the same issue. I am also having around 250 people or more!!! My fiance's side is taking over the whole guest list, as his family is huge!!! He has about 150 people more than me. His parents want to invite people like, second cousins and old neighbors and so and so...... It's hard because it just gets sooo expensive. I can't complain though because they are helping us pay for the food and that is what adds up the most. Your friend had to uninvite people? Oh wow, that would be impossible for me to be able to do. It's true everyone can't come but it''s so hard just guessing and not knowing. ahhhhh. I feel for you but don't have any good advice since I am in the same boat practically. :( Sorry. I guess you just have to be very firm with them and tell them, unless they plan on helping to pay for the extra guests, it's just not possible. Easier said than done!
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  • mlharrison23mlharrison23
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh sorry, just realized it's because of venue size, not money.....I guess you have to be SUPER firm with them. :)
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  • morgie22morgie22
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We are having the exact same problem. The guestlist is going to make me lose my mind!!! We both have big families and we have been together for 7 years, so lots of common friends. His mom has been "inviting" people by word of mouth. And by people, I mean people she hasn't seen in 20 years, which includes her friends, his aunts and uncles, her 1st cousins, oh and not to mention the 1 invitation she wants to just bring to her work, "because they invite me to all of their kids things." I got mad and told her that if neither of us knew the people they will be cut from the list first and this last "cutting round" just didn't put most of on the list. Knowing her she will forget or she'll be mad and just have to deal with it. It's begining to make me irrational. What you have done is totally unselfish and probably the better way to handle the situation. 
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