Uninvited Date

katherinejbrandt · March 2012

My fiance and I just received a response card from his cousin that added a date for herself. We had not planned to invite her boyfriend as they just started dating, do not live together, and we drew similar lines with other couples. How do we tactfully broach this subject with her? Or do we just suck it up and let her bring her uninvited guest?

Mark&Steph · March 2012

If she's in a relationship, you should have invited her SO from the beginning. You don't get to judge whose SOs are "serious" enough to make the cut. I think you should also contact the other people whose SOs weren't invited and invite them as well.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

If he's an actual boyfriend, you should have invited him, and you shouldn't say anything.

If he were a guy she met at a bar last week, you wouldn't have to.

katherinejbrandt · March 2012

I'd like to add that lines weren't drawn to exclude some SO, but rather because of the VERY tight budget my fiance & I have.

Megbo2012 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:86abc1e2-aad6-4b89-b344-4430f3fb23fb">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd like to add that lines weren't drawn to exclude some SO, but rather because of the VERY tight budget my fiance & I have.
Posted by katherinejbrandt[/QUOTE]

<div>That doesn't matter. Everyone has a budget. You asked a question, you got your answer. SO's are to be invited, it's rude not to. </div>

Mark&Steph · March 2012

In Response to Re:Uninvited Date:[QUOTE]I'd like to add that lines weren't drawn to exclude some SO, but rather because of the VERY tight budget my fiance amp; I have. Posted by katherinejbrandt[/QUOTE]
It doesn't matter why lines were drawn, it's still poor etiquette to invite one half of a couple without the other half. You either invite the couple both or none.

Megbo2012 · March 2012

How many couples did you split up? You really should try and find a way to accomodate everyone. It's not worth straining friendships over.

libby2483 · March 2012

I'm with you on this one. Most etiquette tips I have read say the significant other should be invited if they are married, engaged, living together, or have been dating for more than six months. It doesn't sound like they have been together very long, so I think is is acceptable to not invite him. Whether you want to call her up and explain that he is not invited or not is up to you.

jschloss · March 2012

I am curious what the line is? For example a friend of mine went on her first (blind) date with a guy the week I sent out invitations. Since then they have been on multiple dates. She mentioned trying to decide if she was going to bring him. If she RSVPs with him as an (univinted) guest is that okay? Since in the 2 months between when I sent the invitation and when she RSVPd they became a couple?

LetsHikeToday · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:5f7a53b4-5d73-48a7-965b-27e41ca9f62e">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with you on this one. Most etiquette tips I have read say the significant other should be invited if they are married, engaged, living together, or have been dating for more than six months. It doesn't sound like they have been together very long, so I think is is acceptable to not invite him. Whether you want to call her up and explain that he is not invited or not is up to you.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

My husband and I became serious very fast. If my friends judged our relationship and didn't invite him, I wouldn't go.

goobersinlove · March 2012

You don't get to decide/judge how serious someone's relationship is. You were absolutely in the wrong to not invite the significant others of those in a relationship, no matter how long (or not long) they have been together. You actually owe these people an apology. Only people who are truly single can be invited as single guests. Your budget is not an excuse.

freebread03 · March 2012

My FI and I planned a trip to meet my parents and grandparents within the first 2.5 months of dating. According to your standards, we wouldn't have been serious enough to be considered a couple.

You really need to invite all significant others; there's never a good reason to exclude significant others (well I guess if theyre a serial killer or something, but I think you get the point).

katherinejbrandt · March 2012

Oh goodness people feel strongly about this. Thanks for the advice and I think it is fine to let it go and invite her boyfriend (that she was dating for a week when invites were sent out). However, I think it's a bit judgemental and short sighted for some to not understand the limits of some couple's budgets and thatunfortunately sometimes tough decisions have to be made when it comes to wedding planning. In a perfect world it'd be simply amazing to invite all our friends and invite them all to have dates, but unfortunately it's not our reality. Like the other responder above we had to draw the line and did so based on other ettiquette advice (see http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser) - and now that this situation came up, it's good to know the best way to respond is to not respond and let it be. Thanks again for the advice.

katherinejbrandt · March 2012

We did invite most friend's significant others (anyone dating longer than 3 months). This case was a cousin of my fiance's who he has not seen in 3 years and I met once.

freebread03 · March 2012

But the thing is, everyone is on a budget--using budget as an excuse to treat your guests rudely is really not acceptable. That's not "judgemental" or "short sighted", its reality. By putting a time minimum on seriousness, you're determining the seriousness of someone's relationship, and that's really something you get to do.

goobersinlove · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:4da91bf9-4aad-487f-9865-c0688626ee02">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>But the thing is, everyone is on a budget--using budget as an excuse to treat your guests rudely is really not acceptable. That's not "judgemental" or "short sighted", its reality. </strong> By putting a time minimum on seriousness, you're determining the seriousness of someone's relationship, and that's really something you <u>shouldn't</u> get to do.
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

Co-signed, goobers.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:204414b3-0ca2-4077-bb35-a0a1b2d0b402">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]We did invite most friend's significant others (anyone dating longer than 3 months). This case was a cousin of my fiance's who he has not seen in 3 years and I met once.
Posted by katherinejbrandt[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter if YOU have met him or not. The point is making your guests comfortable and welcome. And inviting their SOs is treating your guests with respect.

Same goes for your budget - it's not HER problem than you had a really tight budget or didn't budget well enough. So don't MAKE it her problem.

redheadfsu · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:d7b9e36e-e1e1-4e4d-9748-66bcd41fe7de">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh goodness people feel strongly about this. Thanks for the advice and I think it is fine to let it go and invite her boyfriend (that she was dating for a week when invites were sent out). However, I think it's a bit judgemental and short sighted for some to not understand the limits of some couple's budgets and thatunfortunately sometimes tough decisions have to be made when it comes to wedding planning. In a perfect world it'd be simply amazing to invite all our friends and invite them all to have dates, but unfortunately it's not our reality. Like the other responder above we had to draw the line and did so based on other ettiquette advice (see <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser)">http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/230649/sticky-situations-your-reception-and-guest-list/@center/272440/wedding-etiquette-adviser)</a> - and now that this situation came up, it's good to know the best way to respond is to not respond and let it be. Thanks again for the advice.
Posted by katherinejbrandt[/QUOTE]

<span style="font-weight:bold;">Then don't invite the person from the beginning</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;">if you can't invite their </span>SOs. Inviting them without the SOs will hurt the relationship, might even end it. Not inviting them (original person plus SOs), they will understand.

You might want to lurk before you post.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:0ad0870e-d951-4a94-920e-bd25321e0fd9">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I am curious what the line is?</strong> For example a friend of mine went on her first (blind) date with a guy the week I sent out invitations. Since then they have been on multiple dates. She mentioned trying to decide if she was going to bring him. If she RSVPs with him as an (univinted) guest is that okay? Since in the 2 months between when I sent the invitation and when she RSVPd they became a couple?
Posted by jschloss[/QUOTE]

<div>The line is when they consider themselves a couple. For most people, that means exclusively dating. If she's been on a few dates with him but is still open to other dates, you don't have to invite him. If he's her boyfriend, you invite him. </div>

chelseamb11 · March 2012

WTF is with the influx of "I don't want to invite their SO" lately? There's been like 5 today already.

heylady87 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:5f7a53b4-5d73-48a7-965b-27e41ca9f62e">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with you on this one. Most etiquette tips I have read say the significant other should be invited if they are married, engaged, living together, or have been dating for more than six months. It doesn't sound like they have been together very long, so I think is is acceptable to not invite him. Whether you want to call her up and explain that he is not invited or not is up to you.
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

I've read the very same thing in multiple wedding etiquette books, including Emily Post. Give her a call and gently explain the issue.

Chloeagh · March 2012

People are going to tell me I'm a horrible person, but if you're on a budget, I don't see why you have to invite someone you've never met. I didn't get invited to a wedding my FI (back when he was just my boyfriend and we had been together 2 1/2 years) went to because the couple had never met me. I didn't get bent out of shape. I was not offended in the least. Why would they want someone they've never met at their wedding? Why would I want to go to a wedding where I only know one person? And he had a fine time at the wedding being able to catch up with people he hadn't seen in awhile because he didn't have to entertain me.
This has happened more than once to us (and others in our circle) and nobody thought it was rude. Maybe in my circle people just aren't so touchy.

myname1234 · March 2012

my mother married my step-father 6 weeks after their first date. They didn't live together. in fact, their first kiss was when the pastor pronounced them as man and wife. According to your "budget standards", they weren't a couple.

Budget cuts can be made elsewhere. don't insult your guests by being demeaning to their relationships.

eorea · March 2012

In Response to Re:Uninvited Date:[QUOTE]For those who are saying that budget cuts can be made elsewhere to invite SOs, I would like to see your wedding budget in a spreadsheet. I am at bare minimum costs for the components of my wedding, and I don't see how I could make a budget cut elsewhere and still have flowers, food and not be naked.Read a bridal etiquette book, OP, and don't worry about people people who are offended so easily. Posted by heylady87[/QUOTE]

FFS!

I had the smallest wedding budget and I still invited everyone's significant other. As for your ”and still have flowers” then don't have them. I didn't. You don't have to be naked (that was very dramatic, btw.) I bought my dress off the rack for $99.

I had the wedding I could afford and that included inviting significant others. If you are on a tight budget it's not that hard to make cuts elsewhere.

sweetcanadian1979 · March 2012

You guys forget your on the etiquette board. It is almost always new posters who tell OP to forgo etiquette because it is their wedding & they can do what they want.

HORRIBLE HORRIBLE advice. How would you feel if you were excluded for any reason at all from a family wedding? NOT fun.

You scale back your guest list if you have to, if you do not want to invite the s/o then do not invite the person in the first place. You should always leave room for 3-4 extra people jic, if you did that then you would not have an issue now.

Also for the poster who says do not worry about offending people .......... why are you having a wedding again? I mean it is obvious you are extremely selfish & do not care about your guests or this would not be your advice.

Yes i sound harsh, yes i meant to, i don't get what the point of sugarcoating is. There is no nice way to talk about this subject when people insist on being rude.

SB1512 · March 2012

What's the protocol for someone who was truly single when invites go out, but happens to enter into a relationship between when the invite is received and the RSVP is due? Do you automatically invite the SO?

Mark&Steph · March 2012

In Response to Re:Uninvited Date:[QUOTE] I didn't get invited to a wedding my FI back when he was just my boyfriend and we had been together 2 1/2 years went to because the couple had never met me. I didn't get bent out of shape. I was not offended in the least. Why would they want someone they've never met at their wedding? Why would I want to go to a wedding where I only know one person? And he had a fine time at the wedding being able to catch up with people he hadn't seen in awhile because he didn't have to entertain me.This has happened more than once to us and others in our circle and nobody thought it was rude. Maybe in my circle people just aren't so touchy. Posted by Chloeagh[/QUOTE]
The point is, that should be up to the invited couple to decide. If a SO decides not to attend, fine, but the couple needs to be given the option to attend together.

Also, it's pretty judgmental of you to call people "touchy" for advising the OP of proper etiquette on an etiquette forum.

Chloeagh · March 2012

So I have a legitimate question. If you say that an SO not getting invited to a wedding is grounds to never speak to the bride and groom again (I've actually seen that said here), I'll take your word for it. My FI's cousin and my mom's best friend will be very sad to hear that (And seriously, FI's cousin should have not invited him over not inviting me? That's harsh). But, since you are under no circumstances allowed to judge a couple based on how long they've been together, how about age? Are you required to invite your 13-year-old cousin's boyfriend of 2 months because they could get married some day and you have no right to judge how serious they are just because they are 13? Because really, saying you have to invite a couple of 1 month but saying you don't have to invite teenage SOs is pretty hypocritical, but in my experience no one ever seems to care about whether the teenagers are having a good time or wanted their SO to be there. So I'm just curious as to what the etiquette board's take on that is.

G2SoccerTaz · March 2012

I was on the receiving end of not being invited to FI's cousin's wedding last year. It hurt a lot. We had been dating for 5 years when his cousin got married. It is rude and hurtful to the SO. Trust me, I still hold a grudge against them. However, since they are part of FI's family, they are getting a proper invite both him and his wife. I did not want to invite them at all, but decided on the higher road.

You need to invite all SO regardless of how long they have been dating. Everyone is on a budget, but many many brides have been able to stay under budget and still invite SO.

amhill87 · March 2012

When we planned our guest list we included a guest for every single guest that did not have a date. This was planned so that in the event they did get in a relationship it was already budgeted.

amandarashell · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc658bcd-4fdd-4472-a581-9af22660e366Post:204414b3-0ca2-4077-bb35-a0a1b2d0b402">Re: Uninvited Date</a>:
[QUOTE]We did invite most friend's significant others (anyone dating longer than 3 months). This case was a cousin of my fiance's who he has not seen in 3 years and I met once.
Posted by katherinejbrandt[/QUOTE]

damn I would be excluded too... My fiance and I moved in together after less than a month and got engaged after 4 1/2 months. To be honest setting a time limit on love is not very nice. I know I get upset when people tell me I am insane for how fast my relationship moved. No one knows me relationship but my man and I. Judgements like that will hurt your guests feelings.

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