I really need prayers

TriSaratops10 · November 2010

So a week or so ago I posted about my brother getting married without my family's knowledge about a yr ago before deploying and not telling anyone else nor planning on telling anyone else.. and still planning on a "wedding" in May >1.5 years after getting married.

Now, I suppose because my parents believe my brother would not associate with them if they openly opposed these shenanigans, they are telling me to just get over it, drop it, keep the secret (aka lie) for them...

I just have a real fundamental problem with this because not only does it show immaturity but it also shows that they (probably she) "wants her cake and eat it too" (ie gain the benefits of being married for />1.5 years and then have her big day when it's convenient).

Any prayers/insight into why this bothers me sooo much are very much appreciated and I'm sorry to "beat a dead horse"...

iamjoesgurl · November 2010

You need to be true to your morals and your faith. Are your parents expecting you to be willing to lie? I see what you are saying about their fear, but that is no reason to pressure you into lying. If it is really more that it is still bothering you and you can't let it go, I will pray that God will release you from that. But I still think that you should be honest with brother and FSIL with how you are feeling about this whole charade. And I think that if anyone asked you, you should feel that you can be honest.
I'm sorry for you that you are put in this position. Hang in there!

kellya01 · November 2010

It bothers you because they're being dishonest with parents, relatives, friends and family. That SHOULD bother you. God is great at convicting people about something they're doing wrong (guilt, to some). The brother and wife (right?) are intent on keeping it quiet because deep down, they sense that it would be wrong to have a wedding when they've already been married over a year and a half. SERIOUSLY? seriously? SERIOUSLY? (grey's anatomy reference!) --

Regardless, you will have to do what you feel is right. If they wanted to keep their marriage a secret, they never should have told anyone, never should have had witnesses, never should have gone through with it in the first place. However, I understand that you feel like it is their secret to tell. If I was in your shoes, I would get all of them together at the dinner table and just gracefully tell everyone - mom and dad, with brother and wife at the table. You can't have this burden on your shoulders. It's too much for one person to bear when God starts to work on your soul about it. I believe that the attention would turn to the brother and his wife and hopefully mom and dad would react in a way that ends positively ... :-/

If I was in the circumstance that your sis-in-law is in, and I had been married for a year and a half already ... I would ask for a marriage celebration party or a vow renewal ceremony and party. Being honest and up-front is better than being deceptive. You're right to feel conflicted.

I'll pray that you find peace in this difficult situation. God has a way of showing us the way. You may not even be the one to break the news to mom and dad -- maybe it will take a heart-felt conversation with your brother and his wife that you are uncomfortable being dishonest and deceptive to your parents when God says to "honor your father and mother." I would ask them, with as much honesty as possible, to tell mom and dad what is really going on.

JoyMatt424 · November 2010

I am surprised that your parents are asking you to lie basically. You should be honest with your parents about that part of things. I understand not making a big deal out of something, but outright lying, if it against your morals and values as a Christian should definitely be squashed before more time goes by.

I will pray for you!

AshNoel8 · November 2010

That's a really tough situation. I'm with you, I can't lie. I refuse to do it. As difficult as it is, I think you should do what YOU feel is the right thing to do. I will say a prayer for you. If you pray about it, God will show you what He wants you to do. Don't doubt yourself. Keep your head up and focus on what is important.

TriSaratops10 · November 2010

First of all, thank you both, so very much.

Prior to my brother deploying I did sit down and have a hear-to-heart conversation with him about my difficulties with this situation. He did not want to hear any of it and kept claiming that they don't consider each other husband/wife, that since God's name was not invoked during the JOP that it wasn't recognized by God, etc, etc...none of which made any sense to me of course but he's very stubborn and would not budge from those convictions.

My parents have basically told me that if I don't drop this then it will drive them away from me and that I'm acting "holier than though"....

Thank you again, I knew I could trust you ladies, you are so supportive, thank you

ETA: I've told them I do not want to lie for them either by omission or outright but they think that's "stupid" and "childish". I just don't get it, thank you for making me not keep thinking that I'm the crazy one.

sessionswedding · November 2010

I think it's kind of ridiculous for them to want to keep their marriage a secret. It's one thing to send out invitations that say "we were married in a private ceremony, join us for a celebration before God, family, and friends..." It's another thing to keep it a secret. Really? Do people think they're just living together for the heck of it or something? I think it's dishonest of them to want to keep their marriage a secret. Why would you do that? If you don't want to keep their secret, I think that's your right, but there is defintely some prayer needed in this situation.

thereisbeauty_22209556 · November 2010

Married is married. The Bible tells us to submit to the governing authority, so saying that being married in the eyes of the state doesn't count because the name of God was never spoken is pretty ridiculous. You certainly don't need to go around informing people that they're already married, or continuously talk about it to them or anything, but you also shouldn't be expected to lie. They married for the military benefits, right? They are married. They're using that to their advantage. There is no point in pretending like they're not, it's dishonest. And you shouldn't feel guilty for acknowledging that they are married. You're not doing anything wrong.

Miremberebecca · November 2010

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. As a future Army wife, I have heard of many military couples doing this very thing in order to recieve benifits from the military for being married. One you're married, your pay doubles, you get family housing, and you're allowed to live with your spouse. I know that it's hard to be a military fiance, but I think that it is extremely selfish to marry for these reasons. I agree with previous posters who say that they're trying to have their cake and eat it too. I think that you should stick to your convictions and not compromise your morals. Family usually ends up finding out about these things eventually, I've seen it happen many times, and it's just best to be upfront about these situations. If they wanted to be truthful about their wedding and call this a "renewal of vows" celebration, I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it.

I know that the whole "honor your mother and father" principal is difficult when doing so goes against your convictions. I'm praying that the Lord will guide you and give you some wisdom on how to handle this situation in a way that would glorify Him.

squeakyduck · November 2010

I have a friend who's doing this. She and her (both navy) FI eloped earlier this year. I was their only witness. They had no intentions of telling anyone, but it got back to her parents anyway thanks to the mail. Now she's planning a wedding for 2012, but her MIL is not being at all nice or supportive. And I'm a bridesmaid and I kinda feel like the whole thing is a little silly. But I think it's mostly because I'm also planning my wedding (that's in 7 months!) and she can be a bit of a bridezilla and talks of nothing but her wedding when we're doing stuff for mine. So I'm frustrated with her.

My FI and I had the option of doing this due to construction at my church, but we decided that we'd rather wait and just do it once.

Praying that this all works out. I think you should tell your parents and brother that while nothing necessarily needs to be said to everyone, that if someone asks, you won't lie. But honestly, I don't see why it's such a big secret. It's not like it's shameful to be married. I like what sessions wedding said about inviting people to celebrate or what PPs have said about calling it a vow renewal.

I really need prayers

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