Canceling the wedding

TerriHugg · January 2013

Hi all,

My fiance and I are almost positive that we will cancel our destination wedding to elope. We've already sent out invitations to 60 people and made an RSVP date of January 7th. To date, I've only received about 5 responses back.

Should we actually go through with the elopement I'm wondering how we should let potential guests know. Any suggestions?

Edited to add: The wedding was to be in April, Only a handful of people have put down money and 3 of them were our parents. The intial deposit was $25 and it is refundable. We did think about that. So if we canceled it everyone would get their money back. No one made any air arrangments yet.

We wanted to elope the whole time and got pressured into having this dw by family members. Now the family members who pressured us to have the wedding in the first place aren't even coming so we figured we can go back to the elopement we wanted in the first place.

No we never wanted a reception and weren't planning to have one for the intention of gifts in the first place.

beardownbchs · January 2013

I would call everyone individually. If I got an email or something in the mail or anything less personal than an actual call explaining why you're cancelling the wedding, I would be kind of offended.

Think about how it would look to them - getting an invite, getting a wedding cancellation notice and then a marriage announcement - I would probably assume negative things.

Avion22 · January 2013

You need to call everyon invited NOW. Chances are people have already spent money on non-refundable travel to make it to your DW.

IMO, cancelling your wedding 5 days before the RSVP deadline so you can ELOPE is in reallly poor taste. Unless there is an act of God (big storm/earthquake/tsunami), death in the family or one of you is in the hospital, or one of you backs out of the wedding altogether, you should (in my opinion) continue with the wedding you had planned.

Meegles4 · January 2013

I would call or send a notice to your invited guests. Since it's a small invitation list, calling might be the best route. I would not wait until you're married and send an announcement -- I would let people know as soon as you decide to cancel.

I'm also assuming that if you do decide to elope, you won't be doing any sort of reception or other gift-givng event for these guests after the elopement? That would be poor form since you'd invited them to a wedding, cancelled it, and then invited them to an event just to give you gifts and not actually witness your ceremony. It sounds like that's not what you're thinking, but ya never know so I just want to put it out there.

courtski2004 · January 2013

Is your DW also a destination for your guests? If I were to RSVP yes to a DW, I would make the necessary arrangements to attend prior to sending my card back. If flights/rentals/reservations are involved, cancellation fees may also apply. I am assuming that your wedding is very close since next week is your RSVP date, I wouldn't waste any time in eloping if that is what you plan on doing, because people deserve to know as soon as possible.

misshart00 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Canceling the wedding:[QUOTE]Hi all,My fiance and I are almost positive that we will cancel our destination wedding to elope. We've already sent out invitations to 60 people and made an RSVP date of January 7th. To date, I've only received about 5 responses back.nbsp;Should we actually go through with the elopement I'm wondering how we should let potential guests know. Any suggestions? Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

Are you wanting to cancel due to the lack of response? Or just because you would rather elope?

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:dcfd089b-4254-4c92-b832-5ef623628344">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to call everyon invited NOW. Chances are people have already spent money on non-refundable travel to make it to your DW. IMO, cancelling your wedding 5 days before the RSVP deadline so you can ELOPE is in reallly poor taste. Unless there is an act of God (big storm/earthquake/tsunami), death in the family or one of you is in the hospital, or one of you backs out of the wedding altogether, you should (in my opinion) continue with the wedding you had planned.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]
I agree with this, and I would also say that if your guests have already made travel arrangements you should reimburse them for any costs that they are unable to recover.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:dcfd089b-4254-4c92-b832-5ef623628344">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to call everyon invited NOW. Chances are people have already spent money on non-refundable travel to make it to your DW. IMO, cancelling your wedding 5 days before the RSVP deadline so you can ELOPE is in reallly poor taste. <strong>Unless there is an act of God (big storm/earthquake/tsunami), death in the family or one of you is in the hospital, or one of you backs out of the wedding altogether, you should (in my opinion) continue with the wedding you had planned. </strong>
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>OP, you've got to be kidding. You better have a damn good excuse for eloping, because if I was a guest who already bought my travel tickets, I would be furious. To me, it would be a friendship ending move. </div>

TerriHugg · January 2013

I know everyone says it is "poor taste" and we hav already thought about that.

Only 5 people have put down the intial deposit of $25 dollars per person and it is refundable. NO one will be out of any money should we choose to elope. Three of those people are our parents.

We have not made a decision yet. I know everyone will not be happy about the decision or agree to it should we decide to elope. However, I am not looking for sympathy or support. I'm just looking for the best way to let people know if we do decide to elope.

But thank you all so far for your suggestions.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:dcfd089b-4254-4c92-b832-5ef623628344">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to call everyon invited NOW. Chances are people have already spent money on non-refundable travel to make it to your DW. IMO, cancelling your wedding 5 days before the RSVP deadline so you can ELOPE is in reallly poor taste. <strong>Unless there is an act of God (big storm/earthquake/tsunami), death in the family or one of you is in the hospital, or one of you backs out of the wedding altogether, you should (in my opinion) continue with the wedding you had planned. </strong>
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>OP, you've got to be kidding. You better have a damn good excuse for eloping, because if I was a guest who already bought my travel tickets, I would be furious. To me, it would be a friendship ending move. </div>

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:1bc919af-57f5-405e-9bc8-bde52b2b03e5">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I know everyone says it is "poor taste" and we hav already thought about that. Only 5 people have put down the intial deposit of $25 dollars per person and it is non-refundable. NO one will be out of any money should we choose to elope. Three of those people are our parents. We have not made a decision yet. I know everyone will not be happy about the decision or agree to it should we decide to elope. However, I am not looking for sympathy or support. I'm just looking for the best way to let people know if we do decide to elope. But thank you all so far for your suggestions.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]
If 5 people have already put down non-refundable deposits, how will they not be out any money?

Also, if any of your guests have attended pre-wedding parties in your honor (shower, bachelorette, engagement party) it would be in really bad taste for you to cancel your wedding.

misshart00 · January 2013

In Response to Re:Canceling the wedding:[QUOTE]I know everyone says it is "poor taste" and we hav already thought about that.nbsp;Only 5 people have put down the intial deposit of 25 dollars per person and it is nonrefundable. NO one will be out of any money should we choose to elope. Three of those people are our parents.nbsp;We have not made a decision yet. I know everyone will not be happy about the decision or agree to it should we decide to elope. However, I am not looking for sympathy or support. I'm just looking for the best way to let people know if we do decide to elope.nbsp;But thank you all so far for your suggestions. Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

How do you know that no one has bought airline tickets or booked hotels? There may be several people who have booked travel arrangements and requested off of work that haven't sent back the RSVP yet.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Are you planning on paying them back? You should. You should send everyone you invited cards saying that the wedding won't take place as planned.

beardownbchs · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:1bc919af-57f5-405e-9bc8-bde52b2b03e5">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I know everyone says it is "poor taste" and we hav already thought about that. Only 5 people have put down the intial deposit of $25 dollars per person and it is non-refundable. NO one will be out of any money should we choose to elope. Three of those people are our parents. We have not made a decision yet. I know everyone will not be happy about the decision or agree to it should we decide to elope. However, I am not looking for sympathy or support. I'm just looking for the best way to let people know if we do decide to elope. But thank you all so far for your suggestions.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

Would your parents be involved in this elopement? Because if there's anyone there but yourselves, that will look even worse to people.

Do you mind telling us why you want to cancel your wedding when it is so close?

TerriHugg · January 2013

I know no one put down any other money because I've asked them. I'm assuming no one is lying to me in telling me that.

Everything is refundablea according to the contract. Even if it wasn't refundable we planned on giving that money back to make up for any inconvenience. So I know for fact no one is going to be missing out on any money.

Please know we are not making this decision hastily. We have thought about this and discussed financial obligations, etc with people.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:2a2fd532-a895-4085-8b00-8efef111c049">Re:Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Canceling the wedding: <strong>Are you wanting to cancel due to the lack of response?</strong> Or just because you would rather elope?
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

I am really thinking it is because of this.

Avion22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:69860b29-16ff-4b1f-8220-d5682754c934">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I know no one put down any other money because I've asked them. I'm assuming no one is lying to me in telling me that. Everything is refundablea according to the contract. Even if it wasn't refundable we planned on giving that money back to make up for any inconvenience. So I know for fact no one is going to be missing out on any money. <strong> Please know we are not making this decision hastily. We have thought about this and discussed financial obligations, etc with people.</strong>
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So, you sent out inviations knowing that you might change your mind and elope anyway?</div><div>
</div><div>Regardles, call everyone NOW. Don't wait to send out cards. Call people and tell them that your wedding will not take place as planned. If you wish, you can send out marriage announcements the day after your elopement. Expect people to be hurt that you are esesntially "un-inviting" them.

</div>

karebbear3 · January 2013

How in the world do I cancel the knot??? I am trying to get off the mailing list and account because my wedding has been canceled. If anyone knows how please tell me. Thanks

TerriHugg · January 2013

Everyone, like I said I know everyone will not agree. I don't feel comfortable adding every detail to be criticized on here. So I gave the details you all need to know.

No friendships will be lost because no friends were coming. In an earier post, I wrote it wrong. I meant to say the $25 deposit is refundable. And I know that no one made eany other travel (i.e. airfare) arrangemetns because I asked them. Even if people did make other arrangements that could not be refunded we were prepared to pay them back. I'm not a cold heartless person even though thats how everyone sees me because of this now.

I mentioned the lack of response card count so you all would understand that not many people would be at any loss. There are other reasons that I don't care to discuss on this forum because they are personal.

Everyone is attacking me and I'm not trying to be heartless here. We didn't just make this decision on a whim.

If people were going to be out of a whole lot of money we never woul dhave thought of eloping. All I asked was the best way to let people know should we decide to go forth with the elopement because it hasn't even been decided as yet.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:2e6c6f9f-35f1-44c3-be55-a91058912b61">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : So, you sent out inviations knowing that you might change your mind and elope anyway? Regardles, call everyone NOW. Don't wait to send out cards. Call people and tell them that your wedding will not take place as planned. If you wish, you can send out marriage announcements the day after your elopement. Expect people to be hurt that you are esesntially "un-inviting" them.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>No we didn't send out invitations knowing that we might change our mind. That would be dumb. It just kind of happened that way. If I knew I was going to change my mind we would hav enever sent them in the first place. </div><div>
</div><div>Yes, we already expect people to be hurt. </div>

Avion22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:5e840478-2265-4823-b760-a72b0928b577">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone, like I said I know everyone will not agree. I don't feel comfortable adding every detail to be criticized on here. So I gave the details you all need to know. No friendships will be lost because no friends were coming. In an earier post, I wrote it wrong. I meant to say the $25 deposit is refundable. And I know that no one made eany other travel (i.e. airfare) arrangemetns because I asked them. Even if people did make other arrangements that could not be refunded we were prepared to pay them back. I'm not a cold heartless person even though thats how everyone sees me because of this now. I mentioned the lack of response card count so you all would understand that not many people would be at any loss. There are other reasons that I don't care to discuss on this forum because they are personal. Everyone is attacking me and I'm not trying to be heartless here. We didn't just make this decision on a whim. If people were going to be out of a whole lot of money we never woul dhave thought of eloping. All I asked was the best way to let people know should we decide to go forth with the elopement because it hasn't even been decided as yet.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We're not trying to attack you. Really we just want to understand and help you as best we can. But you aren't giving us a whole lot to go on. It seems like the details you DID give us are irrelevant, and you haven't told us what we would want to know to help.</div><div>
</div><div>My advice stands. CALL EVERYONE. NOW. LIke, literally, pick up the phone and start calling. Don't wait. Don't make more posts. Call. </div><div>
</div>

beardownbchs · January 2013

No one is attacking you. You asked us a question and we have answered it. Not only is anyone "attacking you" but no one is even being remotely rude to you, which knotties have been known to do.

What you're doing looks bad and we're telling you so.

Maybe, MAYBE it won't look bad if you or your FI is being deployed or something along those lines but without these "personal details", we have to reach a conclusion based on what you've told us.

So I will jump to my conclusion and assume that you are pregnant.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:a3ec0557-0956-4e00-af6a-546f2e408922">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : We're not trying to attack you. Really we just want to understand and help you as best we can. But you aren't giving us a whole lot to go on. It seems like the details you DID give us are irrelevant, and you haven't told us what we would want to know to help. My advice stands. CALL EVERYONE. NOW. LIke, literally, pick up the phone and start calling. Don't wait. Don't make more posts. Call.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you so much for your advice. I will call everyone. The advice I gave was relevant because I asked how I should let people know. Not whether or not I should elope. </div><div>
</div><div>You definitely answered the question so I appreciate it. Calling makes sense. And now that I know that is the best way to go about it, I can start doing that once we make our final decision. </div><div>
</div><div>Maybe I'm just overly sensitive. I was just feeling attacked when people appeared to be making judgemental comments when they don't even know the whole situation. Sorry for being so sensitive. It's just that as you all know this is a stressful time as it is for us brides, and I wasn't prepared to be so judged and "attacked" by people everyone. </div>

s-aries8990 · January 2013

Terri, most of the responses came prior to your other comments. It's safe to assume that all other posters assumed that you were being selfish- as the majority of people on here asking questions and not providing much information are. They wanted to make sure you weren't just being stupid.

The best way to inform people is to call everyone ASAP- there may be a few RSVPs in the mail right now and people making travel arrangements as we type.

I think that this is a decision that you must make quickly (like within 48 hours) and notify everyone as soon as that decision is reached. You on one phone and FI on another, making calls. I would also send announcements immediately following the elopement.

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:db67e22c-d4b1-45a4-ae11-f30ca2e9b8fb">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Terri, most of the responses came prior to your other comments. It's safe to assume that all other posters assumed that you were being selfish- as the majority of people on here asking questions and not providing much information are. They wanted to make sure you weren't just being stupid. The best way to inform people is to call everyone ASAP- there may be a few RSVPs in the mail right now and people making travel arrangements as we type. I think that this is a decision that you must make quickly (like within 48 hours) and notify everyone as soon as that decision is reached. You on one phone and FI on another, making calls. I would also send announcements immediately following the elopement.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you so much for response. You are righta bout this decision needing to be made quickly. We plan on making the final decision by tomorrow morning. As of today, we checked in with parents and friends and there still isn't anyone else who made prior arrangements than the ones we already know about. </div><div>
</div><div>I get people want to help and are wondering what the reason is. I just don't think that is a good enough reason to assume someone is selfish when you don't even know them or the whole story. What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? But I guess that is just me. Thank you again for your input. It is truly appreciated. </div>

marta123456 · January 2013

i would send out a message on facebook or email to everyone you invited and let them know you have cancelled the wedding, and then anyone who doesnt reply i would call.

if only 5 ppl have actually rsvped by this time and can get reimbursed anyway , then i woudnt feel bad. your not selfish. ts your wedding after all!

TerriHugg · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:acda8fff-520a-4c32-a750-315402d0984c">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So, you know for a fact that none of your 60 guests that were invited have made other travel arrangements, or you know that the 5 who have RSVPed haven't? I'm not trying to be mean, but honestly, it's completely possible that you have 12 other RSVPs on their way to you in the mail and that those people HAVE made arrangements. I know I wouldn't As long as you're willing to refund them any money they may have spent, then I think you are free to elope. Though the fact that you STILL haven't told us WHY you want to suddenly elope, even after getting upset and telling us we were being judgemental and making assumptions, make me continue to question your motives.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, I am sure. But even if those people did make other arrangements that weren't refundable, FH and I planned on giving them back that money. And I must apologize to everyone. I think I'm just being overly sensitive since this is stressful enough as it is. </div><div>
</div><div>I undersand that you will question my motives. I just don't feel comfortable sharing the entire reason for eloping online because it is personal. What I told everyone is only part of it. There are probably things you don't feel comfortable sharing online as well so you can probably relate. </div><div>
</div><div>Jus tknow that this decision isn't being made hastily. But thank you for your response. </div><div>
</div><div>I promise to lighten up. :)</div>

beardownbchs · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:652045e3-aa61-4c88-8f3d-7a7b27c5eac3">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]i would send out a message on facebook or email to everyone you invited and let them know you have cancelled the wedding, and then anyone who doesnt reply i would call. if only 5 ppl have actually rsvped by this time and can get reimbursed anyway , then i woudnt feel bad. your not selfish. <strong><u>ts your wedding after all!
</u></strong>Posted by marta123456[/QUOTE]

Can I just say that I want to throw up in my mouth every time I see someone "say" something like that?

Meegles4 · January 2013

I don't know why the "why" is important here. I don't think people "do this all the time" or anything, but c'mon, this isn't the first time we've seen it happen. Just because it's butting up to the RSVP deadline and wedding date, doesn't automatically make me think the OP has improper motive here.

OP, make the final decision quickly, and then let people know if it's an elopment you've decided on. And then don't invite everyone to some other "celebration" later. Elope and be done with it.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_canceling-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b57a9966-8e09-447d-955d-bf36ff0ee10cPost:b817277f-79e1-4d6e-8feb-295688030b3b">Re: Canceling the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Canceling the wedding : Thank you so much for response. You are righta bout this decision needing to be made quickly. We plan on making the final decision by tomorrow morning. As of today, we checked in with parents and friends and there still isn't anyone else who made prior arrangements than the ones we already know about. I get people want to help and are wondering what the reason is. I<strong> just don't think that is a good enough reason to assume someone is selfish when you don't even know them or the whole story. What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt?</strong> But I guess that is just me. Thank you again for your input. It is truly appreciated.
Posted by TerriHugg[/QUOTE]

A good chunk of ladies come here looking to have their fur stroked as they breach etiquette time and time again because it's "their day." Maybe it's we're all jaded by previous stupid birds, so posters assume you are one of those stupid birds until you prove them wrong (usually in the form of valid reasons- like a "why"- and real logic as opposed to selfish tantrums).

Hopefully everything works out! As I said- there may be some RSVPs in the mail right now, so decide toute suite!

NantucketBride12 · January 2013

We had to cancel our wedding when our daughter needed urgent surgery. You must call people individually. You can explain if you wish or simply say that for personal reasons, you are forced to cancel. Offer to assist anyone who has put money in to offset any of their lost costs. No one took us up on it, but I think it meant a lot to people that we offered to call hotels or help in any ways possible. Also, apologize profusely for any inconvenience. People are excited when someone they care about is getting married, this can be a big disappointment to some, especially close family.

Some people will be hurt, especially if you don't plan on including them in the ceremony at a future date. Be prepared.

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