Wedding Woes

Grief is a tricky beast

This weekend I went to a baby shower for my friend M.   M was the college roommate of A and M and I hit it off when we met.  Our husbands have a ridiculous bromance.  M and I have become really close in the last three years or so.

A's sister stayed with us Friday and rode up to the shower with us Saturday.  A's mom went up Friday and stayed with M and her H.  

A's sis and I have stayed in close contact.  I know she's really struggled with her own and her mother's grieving procesing since A died.  She feels like her mom spends all of her time making sure A isn't forgotten and she's kind of forgetting that she's still around.  It's more complicated than that, but it's kind of the gist of the story.  A's sis is in a really intensive graduate program and A's mom has moved her boyfriend in, and those things are also further complicating matters.

So, at the shower, A's mom gave M a bag full of stuff.   Some of the stuff had been A's things.  One of the things she gave M was a sweater, booties, and blanket that had been A's and were made by her grandma.  You knowm, stuff that should have stayed in the family.  A's sister didn't know that her mom was giving M those things (M is having a girl) and I think she was taken aback by what her mom had done.  M was super uncomfortable with the gift.  She said something to A's sister about how the blanket, sweater, and booties would end up back with her.

M told me she's likely not going to use the items.  I mentioned that maybe if A's sister moves out of her mom's house (and to Denver, which she's considering), that she can send the items to her at that time.  She can't give them back now because it's too complicated and would upset A's mom.

M also told me she talked with A's mom about her relationship with A's sister.   A's sister is very reserved, but M and I know she's hurting because of how things are with her mom.  A's mom sees A's sister as 'the difficult one' and she's always 'been that way...ever since the divorce."  M told A's mom, "Maybe she needs to know you love her."   A's mom somewhat blew her off.

A's mom doesn't want A's sis to move away, but maybe it would be the best thing for their relationship.  I can't even fathom what it's like to lose a child or a sibling, but I really hope that things get better between A's mom and sister.  

Re: Grief is a tricky beast

  • I think honestly, the best thing WOULD be for A's sister to move away, because then and only then would the mom realize how wonderful it is to have A's sister still here.  And want to be part of her life.
  • A's sister moving away won't change anything in their relationship.  A's mom is still going to be a hosebeast.  DH's parents moving away didn't change any of their screwed up relationships;it just made it long distance and a relief for us in that regard instead of a daily to weekly happening.

    However, A's sister won't have to live with it in her daily life anymore and that's the relief.  She can also have some time to decide how she wants to deal with it, if she does, if she wants therapy, etc.
  • What a horrid situation.  Sadly it may never get better.  The sister of one of my middle school friends died in a traffic accident.  We were 12 at thetime and sis was 16/17.  The mom never recovered.  The has spent the last 20+ years walking the neighborhood nonstop and essentially building a shrine to the daughter.

    The daughter has moved away and it helped HER, but mom has never recovered.

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