Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
RachNRich
member
Kind of sad.
It's certainly no surprise that I don't get along with Rich's sister. This past weekend did not go well. At all. I think I've realized I just cannot be around her; it's that bad for me.
The bottom line, I believe, is that she made an awful first, second, third (etc) impression---and when we all acknowledged there was a problem, everyone was insistent upon "owning up to the bad, and moving on." I just am not sure I can--she'll never have a second chance to make a good first impression--and in my mind, she ruined it.
I am at a point where I think because I really dislike her, I will be upset whenever she is around. I'll find fault in the things she says and does (probably even when an innocent bystander wouldn't). I'm going to try and see a therapist to talk things out--but, I've been down that road already---and the advice I received did not help.
Is there something you guys can see that I am missing? Is there something I should be doing that I am not? I'm less than 3 weeks from getting married---and I'm afraid to go to my own wedding because his sister will be there, and the thought of being around her makes me literally sick to my stomach. This = not good.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Kind of sad.
Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.
The Margarita Evolution
Is this a normal thing for you? Bad impression leaves this strong a distaste for you? It feels like it's something more to me.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
RAWR!
[QUOTE]Being afraid of your own wedding because she'll be there is a pretty drastic reaction to her. There are people I don't like who I wouldn't want present but could easily ignore if they were present. <strong>Is this a normal thing for you?</strong> Bad impression leaves this strong a distaste for you? It feels like it's something more to me.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
<div>No!! It's not at all normal for me, which is why I am having such a hard time with it. I've never had an issue with people not liking me or me greatly disliking them. Ever. My whole reaction to it is just so foreign to me....</div>
Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.
The Margarita Evolution
This is just BS. As long as you are smiling, being polite, asking her some questions and not poisoning her food, you are more than allowed to be yourself. Did Rich say you were doing this, or did twatface?
RAWR!
Do you know if she ever treated any of Rich's other girlfriends this way? Maybe it's not you, but her? She sounds creepily attached to her brother.
[QUOTE]First impressions: She wasn't happy her brother was in a relationship--insofar as, if I was in the room--she wouldn't be. I could tell that my being around during our first Christmas together made her mad (she avoided family dinners, spent a lot of time in her room, and would only talk to Rich "alone"). She was not happy to hear we got engaged. On our first "family" trip together (I joined him on a summer trip to meet his extended family for the first time), <strong>she refused to be in a group picture because I was in it---and declined the traditional family dinner because I was there. </strong>She made it obvious I wasn't wanted around.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
This behavior is ridiculous. No one said anything to her about this?
If Scott's brother treated me like that, Scott would be saying something. Fo to the Sho.
Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.
The Margarita Evolution
I think Rich needs to make it clear to his sister and his family that is it not your job to make her feel like you are interested. Really, you're not interested in her life. You shouldn't be expected to be. Be civil, and as long as you aren't starting fightings, etc. that is all that should be expected of you. Seriously, she is a grown woman. It should not be on you to make her feel important.
[QUOTE]To me, your post seems full of things you have decided- you have decided her first imperssion sucked, you have decided you'll never be happy around her, you have decided to hold onto this grudge. I'm not saying you have to learn to love the woman or like being around her, but you have to figure out how to let go of as much of the anger as you can, because resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die. It's toxic and it will hurt you and probably your marriage, too. <strong>What does Rich think about all this?
</strong>Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
<div>I think he thinks just about what you said. That I've resigned myself to not being able to get past my dislike/hurt/etc---not so much that I can't, but that I won't. </div><div>
</div><div>I am not trying to be worst-case-scenario, but I feel stuck--and not sure how I'll get out of this feeling; where I am at right now feels very hopeless.</div><div>
</div><div>I know I don't have to be her best friend, love her, etc---I just don't know how to get to a good place.</div><div>
</div>
From your point of view, she seems awful, but how does she view you? Are you equally as terrible?
[QUOTE]Hahaha @ twatface. Do you know if she ever treated any of Rich's other girlfriends this way? Maybe it's not you, but her? She sounds creepily attached to her brother.
Posted by pinkpinot[/QUOTE]
Even if it IS her, Rach still has to deal with it. As does the entire family.
Rach, am I getting the right impression that she's shaped up a little bit but you're having a hard time letting go of the past (I would too) and being nice? Or is she still acting like a huge biatch? I don't think it's fair to expect you to be super FSIL if she's still acting like she has a stick the size of Texas up her ass, but if she's started acting better, I think it's time to just fake it. For the sake of everyone (including yourself!).
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]To me, your post seems full of things you have decided- you have decided her first imperssion sucked, you have decided you'll never be happy around her, you have decided to hold onto this grudge. I'm not saying you have to learn to love the woman or like being around her, but you have to figure out how to let go of as much of the anger as you can, because resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die. It's toxic and it will hurt you and probably your marriage, too. What does Rich think about all this?
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
This is what I was thinking.
Rach-remember you can't control her actions. You can only control your reactions. You're choosing to let the things she does get to you, and completely take control over you. You need to stop that.
The fact that your actions need to be monitored when she is around tells me you've had some over the top reactions to her. That's completely within your control, and you need to monitor your own interactions with her.
Seriously consider this question, and answer it honestly (although you don't have to answer here, just think about the honest answer): Is there anything she could do right now that wouldn't piss you off? Even something positive? Or would you always be looking for ulterior motives for the things she does?
Just call me "Brothel"
And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
my read shelf:
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
I hate to say it, but if he's the complainer - I think you need to fix the problem with HIM, not his sister. If you're "allowed" to dislike her by Rich, I think it will get better. You should still be civil, but you don't have to be sisterly just because she's his sister.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
So is Rich expecting you to be friends with her?
And she's acting this way at 38 years old?
If I were in this situation, I would just tell FI that I will be pleasant, but I will not have a close relationship with her. Really, that is all he should expect.
[QUOTE]Have you talked to HER about it?
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
<div>Yes. We talked on the one family vacation a few years ago, and it went horribly wrong. I walked away from the discussion having been told I had made her feel uncomfortable and not wanted because I didn't understand the requests she kept making for "alone time" with her brother (alone time: leaving me for hours on end, sitting in a beach house, in a strange city, with people I just me---very unnerving for me). </div><div>
</div><div>I've tried to talk through emails since---but, she always sends my emails to Rich. So, I'll send her an email saying I want to talk---she forwards it to Rich and asks him what she should say in response to me. When I found out this was happening (he told me), I sent another email to her asking for us to be adult enough to deal with it on our own; Rich didn't need to fight our battles for us. She sent that email to him too. I've tried to call, but she doesn't return my calls. So, when she does come out---there's an elephant in the room. Issues that have never been hashed out---but, it seems like everyone else is on the page where they just want to forget them, and move on. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kind of sad. : Yes. We talked on the one family vacation a few years ago, and it went horribly wrong. I walked away from the discussion having been told I had made her feel uncomfortable and not wanted because I didn't understand the requests she kept making for "alone time" with her brother (alone time: leaving me for hours on end, sitting in a beach house, in a strange city, with people I just me---very unnerving for me). <strong> I've tried to talk through emails since---but, she always sends my emails to Rich. So, I'll send her an email saying I want to talk---she forwards it to Rich and asks him what she should say in response to me. When I found out this was happening (he told me), I sent another email to her asking for us to be adult enough to deal with it on our own; Rich didn't need to fight our battles for us. She sent that email to him too. </strong>I've tried to call, but she doesn't return my calls. So, when she does come out---there's an elephant in the room. Issues that have never been hashed out---but, it seems like everyone else is on the page where they just want to forget them, and move on.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
Thats what I was remembering her doing.