MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends

mrsbjorken · July 2011

My FMIL flew off the handle last week when we told her we will not be inviting family friends to our wedding. My parents are footing the entire bill for our wedding and set a small budget for the entire affair. So in keeping with our budget we have decided that, outside the bridal party, it will be family only.
It was like pulling teeth to get my FMIL to agree to put on our rehearsal dinner. After our engagement last summer, she offered some really low-class tacky suggestions that made us feel like we weren't being taken seriously at all. When we declined her suggestions, she let it be known that she didn't want to be involved in wedding planning. So we haven't asked for her input from there on out. Now she's upset that she hasn't been "involved." It infuriates me that she plays both sides of the field to get her way. She is threatening not to come to the wedding because she can't invite family friends, and told my FI that she thought my own parents were "controlling" me. What I'd LIKE to tell her is that the only thing they're controlling is the budget! Any polite suggestions to put this FMIL in her place?
I do not want to bend over backwards to accomodate her for my own special day. I feel that if we cave in, it's setting a precedent for the future, and every time she throws a fit she will get her way.

MairePoppy · July 2011

Whoever pays is in control of the budget. That goes for the wedding and the rehearsal dinner, as well.

First, you and fi should not have pressured his parents into paying for the RD. They were not obligated to do so. But since they agreed, it's up to them to plan a dinner that fits their budget and taste, not yours. Remember, they are the hosts of the RD.

Second, if your parents are paying for the wedding, they get to determine how many guests they can accommodate and how much they are willing to spend. Your fi should be the one to tell his mother that.

Third, I really hate it when parents threaten not to attend the wedding if X, Y and Z doesn't happen. Call their bluff. Tell them that you hope they will attend the wedding, but you won't hold it against them if they don't. I bet they'll show up.

mrsbjorken · July 2011

Agreed. We didn't pressure them regarding the RD, but they didn't offer to put it on until we tentatively & timidly asked, "Hey did you think you wanted to do this for us, or should we arrange something else like a BBQ?"
I like what you suggest about calling her bluff. It really isn't their party, and we want to celebrate with our families, but if she's more interested in hanging with her friends than celebrating our union, then maybe she should stay home and have a party.

LoveMuffins · July 2011

Call her bluff. When she talks about it, have FI -a nd make sure it's HIM and not you - tell her that the decision has been made and that's that. If she says she's not coming, just reply, "I'm sorry to hear that, you'll be missed. So, how about them Redskins?"

SSaltzman87 · July 2011

I definitely agree that your FI should be the one to deal with his parents and stick up for you. Don't cave in to her demands.

Muffin'sMom · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-furious-were-not-inviting-family-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0baba715-7709-48ce-8d09-4bc4fb6fd2acPost:8be793ea-ccf9-4240-99a2-4d1f7165cf8e">Re: MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Call her bluff. When she talks about it, have FI -a nd make sure it's HIM and not you - tell her that the decision has been made and that's that. If she says she's not coming, just reply, "I'm sorry to hear that, you'll be missed. So, how about them Redskins?"
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

Muffin's unite! This is the way to go!!!

em01092 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-furious-were-not-inviting-family-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0baba715-7709-48ce-8d09-4bc4fb6fd2acPost:20e40b6e-0ea9-4003-8f74-6e5db66f0ae2">MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL flew off the handle last week when we told her we will not be inviting family friends to our wedding. My parents are footing the entire bill for our wedding and set a small budget for the entire affair. So in keeping with our budget we have decided that, outside the bridal party, it will be family only. It was like pulling teeth to get my FMIL to agree to put on our rehearsal dinner. After our engagement last summer, she offered some really low-class tacky suggestions that made us feel like we weren't being taken seriously at all. When we declined her suggestions, she let it be known that she didn't want to be involved in wedding planning. So we haven't asked for her input from there on out. Now she's upset that she hasn't been "involved." It infuriates me that she plays both sides of the field to get her way. She is threatening not to come to the wedding because she can't invite family friends, and told my FI that she thought my own parents were "controlling" me. What I'd LIKE to tell her is that the only thing they're controlling is the budget! Any polite suggestions to put this FMIL in her place? <strong>I do not want to bend over backwards to accomodate her for my own special day.</strong> <strong>I feel that if we cave in, it's setting a precedent for the future, and every time she throws a fit she will get her way.</strong>
Posted by mrsbjorken[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with you and PPs that she is out of line, but think about it: the wedding is one day. She will be your MIL for the rest of your life. Do you really want to start things off rough with her? You do need to set boundaries and not let her walk all over you, but maybe you should try to do <em>something</em> for her. </div><div>
</div><div>I know where you are coming from and I do not think you should cave completely, especially if your parents already set a budget, but maybe try being the bigger person and try to compromise about something else. </div><div>
</div><div>Do call her bluff on not coming though. My FMIL used that and we managed to agree on the guest list, but if she pulls it again, I will definitely say oh well, you'll be missed. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, try to refrain from using the phrase "my day" because it is also your FIs day and is a special day for all of your guests you are hosting as well. Not trying to be a bittch, but it's just not well received on the boards so I thought I'd warn you. </div>

mrsbjorken · July 2011

point taken, but i will say this - i'm not willing to make any compromises until she stops screaming on the phone and acting like a child.

em01092 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-furious-were-not-inviting-family-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0baba715-7709-48ce-8d09-4bc4fb6fd2acPost:bc69ff20-6006-4e59-b28f-1bfd81972d56">Re: MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends</a>:
[QUOTE]point taken, but i will say this - i'm not willing to make any compromises until she stops screaming on the phone and acting like a child.
Posted by mrsbjorken[/QUOTE]

<div>You're totally right. She is being a brat. (Her and my FMIL would make good friends). Would you be willing to let the family friends come if your FMIL paid for them? How many people is she wanting?</div><div>
</div><div>Tell her you are willing to discuss the matter(s) when she calms down. Let her blow steam for a few days/week(s) and then try again. Explain everything in a calm, slow, rational manner again, and if she can't see your side, then just agree to disagree. Tell her you're sorry but you cannot invite any more people. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!</div>

steffenfam · July 2011

Maybe you/your fiance could say "Mom, our budget allows for you to invite X number of people". Then she can decide to invite family or friends, as long as she stays within the number of people allotted.

mrsbjorken · July 2011

My FI fields her calls, not me.

em01092 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-furious-were-not-inviting-family-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0baba715-7709-48ce-8d09-4bc4fb6fd2acPost:ae2b6a1c-b929-474a-b5c8-3319eadf970d">Re: MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI fields her calls, not me.
Posted by mrsbjorken[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe I'm dumb, but what does this mean?</div><div>
</div><div>If she calls you, you can always say your FI will call her back or that you'd rather talk about it in person with your FI present. Or you can just not answer. =D</div>

mrsbjorken · July 2011

What I mean is, when there has been telephone communication, my fiance has repeatedly explained to her why we decided to keep the guest-list family only, and she yells/hangs up/acts completely childish.

I guess no one ever told her that the way to get what you want is at least to ask nicely!

Her complete unwillingness to show any understanding or respect definitely will not help her case. We've said that we're sorry she feels that she can't come without her friends being invited, too, and we're dropping the subject with her. When she gets her invitation in the mail, she can decide for herself. It will be a great day regardless of attendance.

Manwaithiel · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-furious-were-not-inviting-family-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0baba715-7709-48ce-8d09-4bc4fb6fd2acPost:b200c073-a4d1-41a2-b1db-611e185c6bca">Re: MIL Furious We're Not Inviting Family Friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Agreed. We didn't pressure them regarding the RD, but they didn't offer to put it on until we tentatively & timidly asked,<strong> "Hey did you think you wanted to do this for us, or should we arrange something else like a BBQ?" </strong>I like what you suggest about calling her bluff. It really isn't their party, and we want to celebrate with our families, but if she's more interested in hanging with her friends than celebrating our union, then maybe she should stay home and have a party.
Posted by mrsbjorken[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't have even mentioned it. That ship has sailed, but that was still pressing them about giving you something they aren't required to give you.

So maybe she's stewing over the fact that you made her feel obligated to host an RD and now she's taking it on both of you.

The point is, both parties were wrong at some point. Handle this as gracefully as you can moving forward and then don't worry about it. But I don't want you to think you were totally in line for hinting at the RD at all. Because you weren't.

lkirby85 · July 2011

My biggest pet peeve is people that think they should deal with their own parents'. I think you should BOTH sit down with her to talk. Maybe he does most of the talking, but you should be there. If you are not there it will appear that you are against her and he is only a mediator. If you are together you set the standard that you are all family now, which you are because that is what happens when people get married. You also set the standard that you and your fiancé are a team and that you both feel strongly about this topic, that you both agree on this topic, and that you both care about her and want to resolve the problem.

I also disagree with the poeple that said you guys should not have mentioned the RD to them. I read your later post about mentioning it casually and stating that you would otherwise host it and see nothing wrong with that BECAUSE "traditionall" the GP do host the RD and the BP host the wedding (as yours are doing). I fail to see how planning the RD gives you an opinon on the part you are not paying for.

Options... if there are a few specific people she really wants there, try to move around your budget or talk to your parents about adding a small amount to the budget. $75 a head times 2 important couples is only another $300. If that is all impossible, then explain to your FMIL how tight the budget is and that you have tried to move things around but simply can't.

If she keeps threatening not to come then "call her bluff" as others have said. She will be the one most upset if she misses her own son's wedding over something so silly.

Good luck!

mrsbjorken · July 2011

thank you, lkirby85 - i agree. My FI & I have been equally involved in communicating (or trying) with her, but she does live several states away so we can't have a face-to-face over it.
So my FMIL offered to pay to cover the expenses of the extra guests she wants invited. Initially we said no, because it still isn't fair to my family who has friends that cannot be included. Yesterday we called and said, "If this is what it takes to get you to come to our wedding, we will invite the extra folks." She has yet to reply and will not like bucking up $300 for these people. But considering how bratty she's being, I'm not inclined to send those invites until she agrees to stick with her original bargain.
At this point, it'd be a relief if she DOESN'T come!

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2011

It shouldn't be a relief it she doesn't come. You will hear about it until the day she dies. Also, think about your FI. Despite everything, how do you think he'll feel if his mom isn't there on his wedding day.

As for who traditionally pays for what, those rules went out about the same time as Susie no longer went from living with mommy and daddy and moving into Timmy's house/apartment when she married him at 19. Men and women work today and there is not a reason in the world the parents should be made to feel like they have to contribute.

And as for the advice that couples deal with their own parents, my parents followed this throughout their marriage. They made sure to be on the same page and then each "handled" their own. An aunt and uncle of mine didn't do this and it led to a lot of resentment towards the SIL in the relationship because (true or not) it looked like he was controlling their daughter and she never would object to things were it not for him.

mrsbjorken · July 2011

I am doing what I can to make things right. I've put the offer out for the FMIL to bring her friends. In the end, I want to have done everything I can to salvage the relationship that she is throwing away. If she doesn't take the offer, that can't be helped.
As for the "rules", I do come from a very traditional southern family and we don't see the rules as outdated or silly. My family made a lot of sacrifices to put on this wedding, and a $200 RD seems a small contribution to make to your only son's big day. If they weren't comfortable with the expense they simply could have said no.
I hadn't mentioned this before, but my FMIL never objected to putting on the RD in the first place, but she never brought it up. I mean, seriously, someone had to bring it up AT LEAST to get the ball rolling and make alternate plans if need be. When we finally did bring it up, without high expectations of a positive answer, she said she'd been waiting for someone to ask all along. Seems a little bit like baiting us, don't you think?

lkirby85 · July 2011

Sorry this is so frustrating for you and I am glad that you guys are at least on path where you can begin to figure it out! I hope it all turns out well, as it will make your big day and all the rest of your days, much happier! I know all about southern tradition, too, as I grew up in TN. I also dislike when people say that it is outdated, it is not outdated to me, my family or the people we choose to include in our lives.

GoodLuckBear, I am sorry you disagree but to each their own! I think the most important thing in regards to my suggestion is that being a good communicator is important, otherwise, you are right, people will still not respond well.

Piston89 · July 2011

This sounds exactly like my FMIL....

she is psycho. When we told her we were engaged, she told him to tell everyone that it was a joke and we weren't really getting married! She hasn't offered to pay for a single thing, my parents are footing the entire budget...which isn't tiny....she even told me the other day that she is glad she had boys so she doesnt have to pay for this "wedding crap". I asked her to keep her side of the guest list low because FH and I want a small, intimate wedding...like under 100, and she still sent me a list of over 65 people...

Anyway, sorry you're going through this....I have found to just leave her alone until she comes to me with questions or comments, and then just be nice to her but not give her her way. The fact of the matter is, it's yalls day, and she is going to have to get over it not being what she wants!

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