buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married

jnlopez · August 2012

I'm really curious as to what people think about this topic. To clarify, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we have an extremely strong relationship. Everyone is always asking us when the wedding is but due to many obstacles we have had to overcome in our lives with our families, college, and finding jobs we have put our futures on hold. We both have been talking about getting married since we've met, we just knew it was right. About 1 year ago we had a serious talk and decided to start saving up for our future together...so we have a box now that every week we put a percentage of our pay checks into. Obviously I know a proposal is headed my way (he doesn't even realize how much he hints at it and how bad he is at keeping the suprise), and we both know we will get married within 2-3 years if all goes as planned. So, of course, I am the typical i've dreamn't of this day my whole life kinda girl and I know exactly how I want every detail to look. I started buying things that I know I definitely want for my wedding (and even for our first place together) but lately I have been feeling a little guilty and weird about it so I'm really really curious if people think that this is bad luck or whatever.....

(I am working at Anthropologie at the moment and I couldn't help but use my discount to get a beautiful bedding set for us lol)

This is my first time posting here! Sorry in advance if this is too off topic or if it should be on a different board!

crash2729 · August 2012

It's okay.

I would just personally worry about my tastes changing.

Sjmiller418 · August 2012

I think taking advantage of your dicount and buying home stuff is being smart becuase you will need the stuff no matter how things work out.

I would be a little hesitant on buying wedding stuff because like PP said your tastes can change and IMO until you have your venue you dont really know 100% what the feel of the wedding is going to be. And by buying wedding stuff it could put some pressure on him to propose faster and should let him do it in his own time.

QueerFemme · August 2012

I would stop buying anything wedding related. Just put the money away and buy it when you get engaged.

Avion22 · August 2012

Ditto -- leave the wedding stuff until later. Even if you get engaged tomorrow, you yourself said the wedding might be 2-3 years down the road, and that's WAY too soon to start planning. We read all the time about brides on here who got excited and started planning things way too early and ended up changing their mind mid-way through the planning because their tastes changed, situation changed, their dream venue went out of business, etc.

As far as home stuff, as long as you can afford it now, then go ahead and buy some stuff. I wouldn't go TOO crazy because you don't know what kind of home you're going to have.

mrsbiss2be · August 2012

I was sorta in the same boat as you. FI and I had to put things on hold for a bit. Long story short my mom passed away unexpectedly and I had to care for the arrangements, bills, debt and to care for my father and I was under mounds of mounds of stress. Anyways, my FI and I would buy things here and there together that we knew we would love for our wedding. I wouldn't suggest buying things separately, because maybe whatever you get wouldn't be his cup of tea.

As for things for your future home and buying items for it. I'd say go for it! I wish I had a discount at Anthropologie! I heart that place!!

misssunshine17 · August 2012

I second the no wedding stuff. FI and I are now officially planning but we had a long engagement, almost two years before that. I know how hard it is to say I know I'll love this in 3 years but you could end up completely changing your ideas. I would relish is depositing money into your savings and being excited that when you're ready, your savings account will be there.

As for the Anthro discount, I wouldn't be able to stop byself so...

lls31 · August 2012

FI and I were also together for 5 years before he proposed. I did not buy anything for our wedding until we were engaged. I would personally wait. Like crash said, your tastes may change by the time your wedding comes along.

rlavach · August 2012

It’s one thing to look at things & get ideas of what you like. But I really don’t suggest purchasing anything. There are too many things that can change from here to when you are engaged and then married. Besides the obvious fact that your taste can change and you may want to take a different direction, finances may change also. Perhaps now you can afford to spend $1000 on décor, but when time comes, you really need to cut back. It may be too late to return things & get your money back. What if the décor doesn’t work with the space you find? There are so many variables. Save your money and deal with it when it’s applicable.

RailWayWife · August 2012

Buying house related things on sale is okay, buying wedding stuff is a bit weird. I would hold off on the wedding stuff until you are engaged.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_buying-and-planning-stuff-before-youre-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5ae44bc8-bf52-40e3-a482-63d0b35f402dPost:4a7e3521-912a-4713-ad7a-e371b27039b7">buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really curious as to what people think about this topic. To clarify, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we have an extremely strong relationship. Everyone is always asking us when the wedding is but due to many obstacles we have had to overcome in our lives with our families, college, and finding jobs we have put our futures on hold. We both have been talking about getting married since we've met, we just knew it was right. About 1 year ago we had a serious talk and decided to start saving up for our future together..<strong>.so we have a box now that every week we put a percentage of our pay checks into</strong>. Obviously I know a proposal is headed my way (he doesn't even realize how much he hints at it and how bad he is at keeping the suprise), and we both know we will get married within 2-3 years if all goes as planned. So, of course, I am the typical i've dreamn't of this day my whole life kinda girl and I know exactly how I want every detail to look. I started buying things that I know I definitely want for my wedding (and even for our first place together) but lately I have been feeling a little guilty and weird about it so I'm really really curious if people think that this is bad luck or whatever..... (I am working at Anthropologie at the moment and I couldn't help but use my discount to get a beautiful bedding set for us lol) This is my first time posting here! Sorry in advance if this is too off topic or if it should be on a different board!
Posted by jnlopez[/QUOTE]

I cannot add anything more than what PPs have already covered but this line did jump out at me. What kind of box are you talking about? One in your home that can be stolen or a safety deposit box at a bank. In either case, the percentage of your paychecks really should be going into a savings account despite the low interest rate.

Tabbie11 · August 2012

It's tempting fate if you ask me

Maggie0829 · August 2012

Buying stuff for you home that you live in now, perfectly fine. Buying stuff for a future home that you don't even know when you will purchase, kind of weird. Buying/planning wedding stuff, not a good idea.

My H and I were together 8 years before we got engaged. Of course we talked about it and we both knew that we wanted to get married and we even lived together about 2.5 years before we got hitched but not in a million years would I think it would be a good idea to start planning or purchasing items for my wedding. Of course I would dream about my ideal wedding, like most girls do, but that is all I did. Once he proposed then I started the real planning and guess what? Everything I thought I wanted went out the window.

Also, crazy things can happen in life and relationships can change even though you don't think they will.

I would stop purchasing things and put the money into your savings for use when you are truly engaged.

cwaggoner07 · August 2012

We only had a 7 month engagement and my 'vision' and 'tastes' changed so much during that 7 months and things kept changing. There is no way to know what kind of wedding you will want, like PP's said, depending on time of year, venue, etc.
I would hold off on wedding stuff just on a practical standpoint.

Meegles4 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_buying-and-planning-stuff-before-youre-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5ae44bc8-bf52-40e3-a482-63d0b35f402dPost:f543a3b0-aa59-4a36-8d45-6bce43bce911">Re: buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married</a>:
[QUOTE]We only had a 7 month engagement and my 'vision' and 'tastes' changed so much during that 7 months and things kept changing. There is no way to know what kind of wedding you will want, like PP's said, depending on time of year, venue, etc. I would hold off on wedding stuff just on a practical standpoint.
Posted by cwaggoner07[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this, except I had a 1 year engagement. I don't recommend buying WR stuff. As for house stuff, I guess it's OK, but personally I'd wait. And what I'm about to say is going to come off really gift-grabby, but it's true. Assuming you're not planning to elope and are planning to include family/friends in your plans, they're going to want to buy you gifts for your new married life. By buying everything up now, you're really limiting that. This is why brides often come on here and say "I already have everything I need but people keep bugging me about registering."

I'm fine with buying a sheet set or a set of pans or something like that once in awhile. But I wouldn't go hog wild on the housewares, either, unless you truly need something NOW, not just for your "married life".

Spunky414 · August 2012

I think it's a bad idea to be buying anything. Like PPs said there's too many variables and your tastes will change, not to mention your bf should have input, housewares included. There's no point in buying things to sit in storage.

HobokensFury · August 2012

Thinking about things is ok. Buying stuff is not.

KatWAG · August 2012

I was with my boyfriend for 7 years. We talked about getting married all the time. I had been mentally planning my wedding for years. We even lived together. We moved across the country together. He was actively saving for a ring. Then you know what happened? We broke up.

Good thing I didn't buy any wedding stuff. Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

And by "putting your money into a box" you meaning a saving/ checking account , right?

zantster · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_buying-and-planning-stuff-before-youre-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5ae44bc8-bf52-40e3-a482-63d0b35f402dPost:4af0630e-7cbc-42e5-a980-88ded920ecda">Re: buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married</a>:
[QUOTE]I was with my boyfriend for 7 years. We talked about getting married all the time. I had been mentally planning my wedding for years. We even lived together. We moved across the country together. He was actively saving for a ring. Then you know what happened? We broke up. Good thing I didn't buy any wedding stuff. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. And by "putting your money into a box" you meaning a saving/ checking account , right?
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

This. A thousand times this.

bethsmiles · August 2012

Will you please post this on the Not Engaged Yet Board? It's gotten a little boring latly but this should liven things up.

peekaboo2011 · August 2012

This is what we call "putting the cart before the horse."

I'm going to second (third) the PP who talked about a breakup. By buying stuff for a wedding when you aren't engaged, you're essentially buying things for an event that may never happen. Sounds harsh, yes, but it's true. There are a million things that could happen between now and when he plans on proposing.

My recommendation is honestly to sit back, stop obsessing over a wedding that, again, may never happen, and enjoy where your relationship is now. Once you get engaged, you'll never be just BF/GF ever again, and being engaged is a lot of work. You will get tired of wedding planning, so don't start now and ruin it for later.

MrsHoward2Be · August 2012

Put your money in an ING acct and earn some interest! Things change

KatWAG · August 2012

I think you just changed your story because people didnt tell you what you wanted to hear.

springfling2012 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_buying-and-planning-stuff-before-youre-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:5ae44bc8-bf52-40e3-a482-63d0b35f402dPost:d5705d5d-07ef-48e2-a143-fe6caeee17d6">Re: buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: buying and planning stuff before you're engaged/married : Next time you should try saying what you mean. <strong>I would think clear communication skills would be critical to getting a job in any field that requires a medical degree</strong>.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

What does this have to do with her OP, or her response after that?

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