What to do about unemployed groomsmen...

lifequestion · February 2010

My fiance has his three oldest friends slated to be his groomsmen in our July wedding. The thing is, two of them have turned into complete deadbeats in recent years. They're both really nice guys, but neither has a job or is working towards finding one any time soon.

That's fine, what they do with their lives is no issue if you ask me, especially since we hardly see them anymore. The only question I have is this: Who is going to pay for their wedding clothing?

I, at the very least, would like them to wear nice suits, but both of them live off of the people around them. They're practically homeless, really; or they would be if they didn't have friends' couches to crash on.

I think my fiance wants to pay for them... but we've got enough on our plate as it is and, frankly, I don't want to pay for their stuff just because they're too lazy/unwilling to find jobs.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

They accepted the position, so its up to them to figure out how to pay for it. This is not your concern. Your FI can offer to help them out, or he can be flexible about their attire choices and suggest that they borrow a suit from a friend, etc.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I don't think you can rightfully call anyone a deadbeat in this economy. The jobs are just not out there. My DH was out of work for a year and only found a job 6 months ago--do you think he's a deadbeat just because he couldn't find fulltime work? The contempt in your post is astounding. You don't know how hard they are or aren't looking. You have no way of knowing unless you have wiretaps in their homes.

If your FI wants to pay for them, then he pays for them. How would you feel if he said "Sorry life, I know your friends are out of work but I think they're just bums and I don't want to spend our money on them so they can be in the wedding." Pretty callous, no?

The cost of attire should fit their budgets, same as your BMs weren't (hopefully) asked to buy a dress out of their budgets. If that means you pay, fine. If that means they wear their own black suits, fine. But you need to drop the attitude toward your FI's dearest friends. I'm sure he doesn't appreciate it.

lifequestion · February 2010

Bablingbrooke, I didn't mean to call everyone out of work a deadbeat. For the record, one of these guys quit his job to become what he calls a "full time artist" but just drinks his friends' beer all day and parties all night, never having sold a painting in his life. The other has been unemployed since before the economy tanked and hasn't applied for more than three or four jobs (that I made him apply for) and plays World of Warcraft 10+ hours a day, and I know, because he lived with us rent-free for two years. They are deadbeats with no ambition and no drive, bottom line. This is a far cry from the average Joe who got laid off and has been fighting the economy.
My fiance's money is my money, and mine is his, so I feel as though I have a right to say that I'm not willing to pay for their attire simply because they are literally unwilling to find jobs to support themselves.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I get defensive when people imply that extended unemployment means someone's a bum. In many cases that's not the situation. It's hell to be in that situation. Pure and simple.

All I'm saying is that the tone about his friends is not good. Accept that these are your FI's GM and friends and try your best not to be angry around them.

They don't sound responsible in the least, but it's still very very hard to find a job and I for one advocate some tolerance on the issue. I think you deserve a medal for letting one of them live with you rent-free for 2 years.

I think the rest of my advice still goes: the cost of their attire should not be unaffordable to them, same as your BMs' attire should not be outside their budgets. If you do that and they still fail to get the attire, then they've failed to fulfill their basic obligations for the wedding and your FI will have to really think about what he's gaining from these friendships.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

If your FI wants to pay for their attire and it's not going to cause you to miss something like a mortgage payment or groceries, I'd let him do it. Marriage is about compromise, and in the grand scheme of things, making sure his closest friends are up there when he takes his vows is worth cutting the wedding budget elsewhere or making a few pre-wedding sacrifices. (If you do a daily Starbucks run, for instance, cutting that out can save you $100 a month. It doesn't have to be living on Ramen and water.)

FI's paying for at least one, possibly two, of his groomsmen's tux rentals. It might mean slightly downgrading the honeymoon (staying in a smaller room, fewer super-fancy dinners), but I think overall it's definitely worth it.

stina93446 · February 2010

When someone agrees to be in your WP, it's very common now that they pay for their attire themselves (dress, tux, shoes, etc.) Therefore, these gm are responsible for their own attire. If they can't afford it, you can either offer to cover some or all of the costs or they can drop out. And just leave it at that. no need stressing over this.

EMF9903 · February 2010

Just an option to throw out... we just ordered tuxes from Mens Wearhouse and if there are 6 tuxes ordered (groom, GM and fathers for example) you get a free rental. We chose to give the free rental to a GM that came upon some bad luck recently. Maybe they could split the cost of one rental and while using the free rental.... does that make sense the way its worded.

You did mention just doing suits but if your mind changes maybe thats something that would work.

megandjay · February 2010

I would probably pay because I would want them to look nice at the wedding, which would be my problem, not theirs.

However, as PP said, when they agreed to be GM, they knew the one thing they have to do is wear a suit/tux and show up at the wedding. So you could try getting a deal on suit/tux rentals to offset some of the cost, or let them just wear a black or blue suit (they could borrow).

nmill349 · February 2010

Ho there,

I also have some of the same concerns as you. A couple groomsmen in my party are not actually unemployed but they are pretty irresponsble and financially strapped for cash. I just asked my fiance if he believes they will be able to come through and he has faith in them. So I am taking his word and giving it some time.....I wish you luck in your wedding planning....also, I would let him pay for their tuxes if it was in your budget because it probably means alot to him to have them in the wedding but I can understand where you are coming from!

What to do about unemployed groomsmen...

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