Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite
Ok so I have sort of a weird situation going on with my parents and my guest list. (Disclaimer: I'm about to sound a little Jerry Spinger rerun on ya!)
SO, I came to work for my dad's company (he owns it) in 2009. I did not know what I was getting myself into until a few months after I started, at a family function, my mom comes clean to me and my brother and sister that my dad cheated on her with my superior at my new company.
So naturally, I hated her at first. It was really challenging not only having to work with a woman who helped hurt my mom and my family so badly, but to have her as my superior? And for her to work so closely with my dad- always wondering if they're *really* working behind those closed doors, if he's really out getting food by himself after work. But over the last few years, my hate has grown to.. I don't know, I think it's just that sometimes I let myself forget that she played such a part in nearly destroying my family. I mean, I'd go crazy if I kept this all in the forefront of my brain every day, I see her every day.
Anyways, she knows I'm getting married- it's a small office of like 10 employees. So everyone is invited and it will likely be sort of the topic of conversation the days leading up to it and the days after. But my fiance doesn't want to invite her. And I don't either, it would be disrespectful to invite her, in fact. It would be like a big "F YOU" to the vows my fiance and I are going to be making to eachother that day to have my mom, my dad, and his mistress in the audience. And then for all of us to keep one ye on her and one eye on my dad the whole time, and I know my sister would start a scene... it's just not a good idea to have her there.
Am I right? I just feel terrible about it. She sent my mom and I an email this morning of a bunch of wedding groupon deals (she doesn't know she's not invited... of course, maybe on some level she does). Why did she have to go and be nice like that? It's inappropriate to invite her, right? How do I handle this, since it's such a small office? Do I take her aside myself and explain to her how I feel? Do I tell my dad how I feel and have him take care of it (it is his mess, after all)? What do I do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite
[QUOTE]Ok so I have sort of a weird situation going on with my parents and my guest list. (Disclaimer: I'm about to sound a little Jerry Spinger rerun on ya!) SO, I came to work for my dad's company (he owns it, we're a technology company as it is related to insurance) in 2009. I was coming out of a bad situation elsewhere and he opened his doors to me when I was hardly even employable. Anyways, I did not know what I was getting myself into until a few months after I started, at a family Thanksgiving vacation, my mom comes clean to me and my brother and sister that my dad cheated on her with the COO of my new company (let's refer to her as "Amber."). So naturally, I hated her at first. It was really challenging not only having to work with a woman who helped hurt my mom and my family so badly, but to have her as my superior? And for her to work so closely with my dad- always wondering if they're *really* working behind those closed doors, if he's really out getting food by himself after work (he lives with me and my fiance when he's in town). But over the last few years, my hate has grown to.. I don't know, but not hate, not anymore. There are times when I hate her- because I feel that my dad is still seeing her (and I have good reason to), I feel, as do my mom and siblings, feel that she shouldn't still work here, etc. But for the most part, I know I shouldn't and I don't know why I do, maybe it's because I've worked with her for almost 4 years and have gotten to know her, but I almost like her; i mean, if this whole thing hadn't have happened I would definitely like her. Anyways, she knows I'm getting married- it's a small office of 10 employees. So everyone is invited and it will likely be sort of the topic of conversation the days leading up to it and the days after. But my fiance doesn't want to invite her. And I don't either, it would be disrespectful to invite her, in fact. It would be like a big "F YOU" to the vows my fiance and I are going to be making to eachother that day to have my mom, my dad, and his mistress in the audience. And then for all of us to keep one ye on her and one eye on my dad the whole time, and I know my sister would start a scene... it's just not a good idea to have her there. <strong>Am I right? </strong>I just feel terrible about it. She sent my mom and I an email this morning of a bunch of wedding groupon deals (she doesn't know she's not invited... of course, maybe on some level she does). Why did she have to go and be nice like that? It's inappropriate to invite her, right? How do I handle this, since it's such a small office? Do I take her aside myself and explain to her how I feel? Do I tell my dad how I feel and have him take care of it (it is his mess, after all)? What do I do?
Posted by jessieluna[/QUOTE]
No. you're not right.
Why are you ok with your dad but you hate her? Your dad is the one who cheated on your mom. How is inviting her disrespectful to YOUR vows?
Are your parents divorced? If your dad is in a relationship with this woman, she needs to be invited.
[QUOTE]In Response to My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : No. you're not right. <strong>Why are you ok with your dad but you hate her</strong>? Your dad is the one who cheated on your mom. How is inviting her disrespectful to YOUR vows? Are your parents divorced? If your dad is in a relationship with this woman, she needs to be invited.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]
<div>She doesn't hate her. She said as much. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, if your dad is no longer with her (and if you only suspect they are and don't know for sure), you don't need to invite her. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : She doesn't hate her. She said as much. <strong>OP, if your dad is no longer with her (and if you only suspect they are and don't know for sure), you don't need to invite her.
</strong>Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
Agreed. Especially is your parents are still together.
[QUOTE]Wait, are your parents still married? How does your mom feel about the emails she's sending with the groupons?
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
I'm really confused about this too......do your mom and dad have an open-relationship kind of thing? Still married? Wanting to get a divorce but can't for some reason?
ETA: I can't really give advice right now without knowing if your mom considers herself and your dad a social unit and vice versa.
1) Are your parents separated? Divorced? Or have an open marriage?
2) What does your mom think about this woman? She angry? Ok? Friendly?
3) Why would your sister flip out? You seem fairly calm... wondering why your sister would go BSC?
201 Invited
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : She doesn't hate her. She said as much. OP, if your dad is no longer with her (and if you only suspect they are and don't know for sure), you don't need to invite her.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
"There are <em><strong>times</strong></em> when I hate her- because I feel that my dad is still seeing her (and I have good reason to), I feel, as do my mom and siblings, feel that she shouldn't still work here, etc. But for the most part, I know I shouldn't and I don't know why I do, maybe it's because I've worked with her for almost 4 years and have gotten to know her, but I almost like her; i mean, if this whole thing hadn't have happened I would definitely like her."
I think the OP is confused. I think she <em>wants </em>to hate her. but my comment was regarding the beginning of her post when she said she hated her in the beginning for being her dad's mistress but she's <em>always </em>been ok with her dad. My question was worded wrong....
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : I'm really confused about this too......do your mom and dad have an open-relationship kind of thing? Still married? Wanting to get a divorce but can't for some reason? ETA: I can't really give advice right now without knowing if your mom considers herself and your dad a social unit and vice versa.
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]
<div> My parents are still married, and no they do not have an open relationship. I know- very bizzaar. See, my parents are sort of "wasp-y" if you know what I mean. They pretend to everyone that everything's cool- not very many people know about all this. Which is tough on my mom. And ya know, tough on my dad too.. and to answer someone up there, don't remember the name, I get angry at my dad too. But he's my dad, you know? He can be such a liar but I just can't hate him, I love him no matter what.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : <strong>My parents are still married, and no they do not have an open relationship</strong>. I know- very bizzaar. See, my parents are sort of "wasp-y" if you know what I mean. They pretend to everyone that everything's cool- not very many people know about all this. Which is tough on my mom. And ya know, tough on my dad too.. and to answer someone up there, don't remember the name, I get angry at my dad too. But he's my dad, you know? He can be such a liar but I just can't hate him, I love him no matter what.
Posted by jessieluna[/QUOTE]
In this case; you don't have to invite her.
[QUOTE]There is so much that I want to ask, but I am afraid to invest... I hope it isn't MUD. For me to give advice I need to know a little more... 1) Are your parents separated? Divorced? Or have an open marriage? 2) What does your mom think about this woman? She angry? Ok? Friendly? 3) Why would your sister flip out? You seem fairly calm... wondering why your sister would go BSC?
Posted by rachelm13[/QUOTE]
<div>My sister and my brother do hate her. Passionately. And openly.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : My parents are still married, and no they do not have an open relationship. I know- very bizzaar. See, my parents are sort of "wasp-y" if you know what I mean. They pretend to everyone that everything's cool- not very many people know about all this. Which is tough on my mom. And ya know, tough on my dad too.. and to answer someone up there, don't remember the name, I get angry at my dad too. But he's my dad, you know? He can be such a liar but I just can't hate him, I love him no matter what.
Posted by jessieluna[/QUOTE]
Ok! Now we are getting somewhere.
I get that it would be weird to not invite her considering that all of the other folks in the office are invited. BUT she is (hopefully) the only one that he had an affair with.
I would personally<strong> NOT</strong> invite her for the obvious reason that even though your family is waspy, it would be obvious that your mother wouldn't want her there. She would have to understand why she wasn't invited. I would not want my mom or sister to be upset on the day of my wedding.
Mistress in this situation does not equal a SO.
201 Invited
You need to decide, for yourself (and FI) if you would like her to be a guest at your wedding. I would take into account that she will most likely find out that she is the only one not invited to the wedding, which will be embarrassing for her. And this could lead to some very uncomfortable situations at work. But you are fine with that, then dont invite.
Either way, I wont limit wedding talk at the office.
ETA: I am not advocating that she be invited.
[QUOTE]Yeah....u CAN hate him. You aren't obligated to like someone just cause they are your parent.
Posted by gnc0988[/QUOTE]
<div>I know that people in general are capable of hating their parent(s). But I'm not one of those people. I could never turn my back on him. But everyone is right- that does NOT mean I need to invite HER. And ya know, after re-reading my original post, and my replies, and all of your replies, I feel kind of silly for even asking! I think I'm going to feel awkward still, but she's got to know that it's inappropriate for me to invite her.</div>
[QUOTE]Yeah, I see what you're saying. I assumed Mom and Dad were no longer together. OP, come back and clarify. If they ARE, you should not invite her regardless of whether or not your dad is seeing her publicly or privately. ETA: <strong>Sorry; you responded before I posted. Why the hell would you even question whether or not to invite this woman? </strong>
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
I'm assuming it's because OP is inviting the whole office so dad's mistress will be the only one not there. OP, you definitely don't have to invite her. Since your mom sounds like she's having a hard time with the situations (understandable) I'd not invite her and don't talk wedding. I don't believe not inviting her is against etiquette.....
If she is at all normal and has a soul, she will say oh of course, I completely understand, and everything can be fine. This way you are taking control of the situation, not angering the Wasp hive, and still letting her know you are mature and have positive feelings towards her but family obligations first and foremost. And since it is coming directly from you, she cannot blame your mom or dad and pssibly cause more problems
Good luck, this is a pretty sticky situation
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : Ok! Now we are getting somewhere. I get that it would be weird to not invite her considering that all of the other folks in the office are invited. BUT she is (hopefully) the only one that he had an affair with. I would personally NOT invite her for the obvious reason that even though your family is waspy, it would be obvious that your mother wouldn't want her there. She would have to understand why she wasn't invited. I would not want my mom or sister to be upset on the day of my wedding. Mistress in this situation does not equal a SO.
Posted by rachelm13[/QUOTE]
<div>See this is why I think my dad should talk to her. Let her know what's going on before she hears from anyone else that they got a Save the Date or an Invite. I think I will muster up the courage to talk to him about this...... or I'll just tell my mom to tell him! LOL</div>
[QUOTE]I think this is one of the few (very few, almost nonexistent) times that you should go up to someone and tell them in gentle terms why they aren't invited. Given your fairly warm feelings towards her, and the fact that you work closely with her every single day, I would think it is fine to go to her privately and say "you know I'd be happy to have you at our wedding, but unfortunately due to the family circumstances I can't. I hope you understand." Sort of a very gentle way of saying I would like you to be there if I didn't suspect you were still shtupping my dad, kind of thing. If she is at all normal and has a soul, she will say oh of course, I completely understand, and everything can be fine. This way you are taking control of the situation, not angering the Wasp hive, and still letting her know you are mature and have positive feelings towards her but family obligations first and foremost. And since it is coming directly from you, she cannot blame your mom or dad and pssibly cause more problems Good luck, this is a pretty sticky situation
Posted by nycrose2013[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Wow, the way you said that makes sense too. And that's sort of what I was thinking I just.. I think I would need to have a few drinks before I could do that! But I think this sounds like the most "right" way to go about all this.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite :<strong> Um, except for the fact that she's inviting everyone else at work BUT this woman. In what other situation would we not call this wrong?</strong> And I agree that saying that the woman attending would be an affront to their marriage vows but apparently having daddy who actually DID break wedding vows is peachy keen fine is total BS. Grow up and either realize that YOUR DAD is the one who hurt your mom and nearly busted up your family. How you handle that is your business but punishing this woman more harshly than your dad makes you a hypocrite.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>You're right. Ugh. This thread is making my brain hurt. There's so much weird here that I don't even really think I know what advice to give b/c I'm conflicted. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : Um, except for the fact that she's inviting everyone else at work BUT this woman. In what other situation would we not call this wrong? And I agree that saying that the woman attending would be an affront to their marriage vows but apparently having daddy who actually DID break wedding vows is peachy keen fine is total BS. Grow up and either realize that YOUR DAD is the one who hurt your mom and nearly busted up your family. How you handle that is your business but punishing this woman more harshly than your dad makes you a hypocrite.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>It doesn't sound like you, yourself, have a very good relationship with your dad either. There's no need to get nasty here. It's been a long time since someone has told me to grow up about this situation. I think I've risen above a lot during this, being that I'm put in the middle of it all the time, working with both of them.</div><div>
</div><div>Of course I realize my dad is more to blame than her- my dad is in MY family and has an obligation to not do my family harm, my dad cheated on my mom the other woman did not. I'm not delusional. But this is my wedding- my dad cheated on my mom and hurt my family, but me trying to figure out the guest list considering this situation is not me trying to figure out how to tear my family further apart on my wedding day. My dad is walking me down the aisle, douchebag or not. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : You're right. Ugh. This thread is making my brain hurt. There's so much weird here that I don't even really think I know what advice to give b/c I'm conflicted.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Tell me about it! Welcome to my world! LOL</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know.. I know she would automatically know WHY she's not invited, once she knows she's not invited. I guess maybe I'm just not ok with that, it just doesn't seem right to just not invite her, invite everyone else, and not say a word. Not after all this time.. It would feel like I'D be the one acting waspy.</div>
Not invite.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My dad's mistress.. to invite or to not invite : Yep, brilliant plan. I'll try that with MY boss this afternoon and tell you how it goes.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Well really, her dad is her superior. He owns the company she and the mistress work for. So no, I don't think it could affect her career all that much, given that the mistress is unlikely to fire her boss's/boyfriend's daughter any time soon.
Or, she could simply not invite her and obviously the mistress will know why. But since OP doesn't actually hate the woman, she can go up to her and have an adult conversation about the situation if she feels like that is the fair and right thing to do. I completely adhere to all the usual rules of etiquette in life and in weddings, but I also am able to understand that life sometimes gets in the way. An honest conversation with someone she actually likes about a serious, private issue is the best way to go and may smooth a potential rocky road ahead