Bridal Party Drama

Veranza · February 2012

Recently I have been having some issues with one of my bridesmaids. During our dress shopping for the bridesmaid dresses, I had to pull asides one of my maids-of-honor to make sure that she could handle the pressure of being a maid-of-honor (she is having a lot of stress in her normal life that was causing a lot of tension). She finally broke down and told me that she wasn't going to be able to handle it and asked me to replace her as the maid of honor, but still wanted to be in the bridal party.

Fast forward a few weeks and I get a text from her stating that she wants the position back, that she felt as though I had forced her out of the position and things are going well enough in her life that she can take the position back. I have already asked one of my other girls to fill in for her and I feel more comfortable with the new girl being reliable for the "job".

I just need advise on what to do. I love my best friend, but I feel like I cannot depend on her for the role.

Girlie1030 · February 2012

You lost me at "handle the pressure of being a MOH"...

chrmun · February 2012

What, exactly, is the job description? I mean, isn't if something like: - Buy a Dress - Go to Wedding - Stand in Front - Hold Bouquet

froggatt.clare · February 2012

All a maid of honor needs to do is wear the appropriate dress, show up clean and sober, and possibly hold your bouquet during vows and sign the marriage certificate. If she can handle that, then you're all set.

It isn't a 'job', its an honor.

ShakeUpTampa · February 2012

I think your expectations of your MOH are a bit much just from your post.

chumlee7478 · February 2012

What else are you asking her to do? Dress shop, walk down an aisle, stand in front next to you, hold your bouquet and maybe some tissues. Is there something I'm missing?

What "pressures" are there to being an MOH? I felt badly asking my MOH to help bustle my dress, so I was going to have the train altered with a permanent bustle til she talked me INTO having a bustle.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Um, MOH is NOT a job it is an honor (hence the name). What exactly did you think she could not handle...buying the dress, showing up for your wedding, smiling for the camera?

I don't know exactly what you are expecting of your MOH and your BMs but whatever it is, it is probably ridiculous and wrong. These are your friends NOT your indentured servants.

Habs2Hart · February 2012

Are you paying her for working this "job"?

No? You aren't? Then scale back your expectations or expect to lose your friends in the process.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

There are at least 3 things wrong with this situation.

1. The only job anyone in your bridal party (MOH included) has is to buy the right dress and show up in it on your wedding day. I doubt whatever was going on in her life was so stressful it would prevent her from fulfilling this duty. Any other "duties" you imposed on her were presumptuous of you, and rude to her.

2. You were wrong to ask her if she could "handle the pressure" of being your MOH - you basically forced her to step down. Why would you do that to someone who is supposed to be one of your dearest friends? Pulling a stunt like this is considered, by many, to be a friendship-ending move. If you weren't being overly demanding and rude in the first place, there wouldn'tve been any "pressure" for her to "handle."

3. Even if she stepped down completely voluntarily, replacing her is mean and tacky. The whole point in selecting people as members of your bridal party is to honor them because they are your nearest and dearest. Your closest friends and family are (or should be, at least) irreplaceable. By replacing her, you're basically telling her that she isn't special at all and is interchangeable with your other friends, and you're telling her replacement that, while she wasn't special enough to make the cut the first time around, you're happy to "promote" her to fill in a gap in your pictures. Do you see how hurtful that is, both to the girl being replaced and the replacement?

So here's what you do now that you've gotten yourself into this complete clusterfluck of rudeness: Apologize to your best friend, tell her you were wrong to make her step down, and honor her as your MOH as you always intended to do, without forcing any "jobs" on her other than "buy the dress I've selected and show up at the wedding in it." As for the poor replacement girl, allow her to continue in the MOH role as well - you've already insulted her once by using her as a "filler," don't insult her a second time by changing her title again.

sparent2010 · February 2012

During our dress shopping for the bridesmaid dresses, I had to pull asides one of my maids-of-honor to make sure that she could handle the pressure of being a maid-of-honor

How many MOHs dod you have? This is ridiculous as all PPs said. Her job is standing next to you on your wedding day

maribeth721 · February 2012

The MOH is NOT the brides servant. This is a poor expectation to have of your friend. What exactly is it you think she cannot "do?"

heyjude23 · February 2012

These people are your friends/family. You asked them to be Bridesmaids and MOHs because they mean the most to you. They are not your employees, please don't treat them as such.

Simply Fated · February 2012

"I just need advise on what to do. I love my best friend, but I feel like I cannot depend on her for the role." Are you putting on a play or something? I'm not sure what kind of pressure you're putting on her, but I suggest chilling out.

2010Bride2be · February 2012

Everything everyone before me said.... OP, you really need to lose this 'jobs of a MOH' mentality and be a real friend to this girl and find out what's going on in HER life.

Veranza · February 2012

There are a lot of things that have happened that none of you are aware of, so thank you all for jumping down my throat. My maid of honor had bailed on three different dress shopping, refused to speak to any of the other brides-maids about the dress fitting, and she had stated that she did not know if she would be able to buy the dress, stand at the alter or handle the "pressures of planning a bridal shower or bachorlette party".

But thank you all for putting in your thoughts and I will remember when to post and when not to post.

ski2play · February 2012

OP come back!

We (collective, not pointing fingers "we" ) obviously are all doing this wrong and need your guidance. What jobs and pressures should we appropriately be placing on our MOHs? Ugh, this wedding planning sure has me befuddled!

ETA: darn, my timing is off today.

amymaysa · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:b3723d7a-a42b-4ef4-93d9-26f20a618c65">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]There are a lot of things that have happened that none of you are aware of, so thank you all for jumping down my throat. <strong>My maid of honor had bailed on three different dress shopping, refused to speak to any of the other brides-maids about the dress fitting</strong>, and she had stated that she did not know if she would be able to buy the dress, stand at the alter or<strong> handle the "pressures of planning a bridal shower or bachorlette party"</strong>. But thank you all for putting in your thoughts and I will remember when to post and when not to post.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

OP, no one has to plan a shower ot bachelorette party, those are all nice things, but don't automatically come with a wedding or duties of a bridal party.
I'm not sure why she had to speak with other bridesmaids on fittings. And I'm not sure if she didn't to three fittings for herself or for you. If for you, while it's nice for her to want to be there, she doesn't have to come.

Not being able to afford a dress is a legit reason to remove herself and possibly standing at the alter. If she removed herself, that's fine, but you shouldn't have replaced her or made her possibly feel she should step down b/c she can't perform her job, b/c it's not a job

polichik · February 2012

How do you think your "replacement" MOH felt about being second-string? This whole post just makes me sad for you and your friend. You're supposed to choose someone to be a MOH because he or she is your best friend. In this situation, I your friend couldn't afford the dress, you should have chosen a less expensive dress or offered to pay the difference if the dress was really important to you. Seriously, when did a wedding, which is a celebration of love, become more about things than people? You might have just lost your best friend, or at least damaged the relationship. Over a dress.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:b5732aa8-aeef-40dc-9ea8-c2e67295518c">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]How do you think your "replacement" MOH felt about being second-string? This whole post just makes me sad for you and your friend. You're supposed to choose someone to be a MOH because he or she is your best friend. In this situation, I your friend couldn't afford the dress, you should have chosen a less expensive dress or offered to pay the difference if the dress was really important to you. <strong>Seriously, when did a wedding, which is a celebration of love, become more about things than people? You might have just lost your best friend, or at least damaged the relationship. Over a dress.
</strong>Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

Poli, fantastically said.

Also, OP, two things:
(1) No one is required to plan, participate in, or fund your bachelorette party or bridal shower. If one, or some, or all of your BMs choose to throw you one or both, yay, but if they don't you just don't have one. Pre-wedding parties are <em>gifts</em>, not requirements. When your friend said she couldn't handle the "pressure" of planning these things, the appropriate response from you should have been "well, no worries - you know you're not required to do that stuff, right?" Instead, you went with "well maybe you shouldn't be MOH if you can't provide me with sufficient parties." Klassy.

(2) There's no requirement that a BM participate in dress shopping - several of my BMs couldn't make the appointment that I set. It's not a big deal. I picked a dress with the ladies who were able to make it, then told the others what dress was chosen and how to order it, as well as the deadline for ordering. I trust them to take care of it without me micromanaging their every move. <em>None of</em> the things you claim your MOH has "missed" are requirements.

chumlee7478 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:b3723d7a-a42b-4ef4-93d9-26f20a618c65">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]There are a lot of things that have happened that none of you are aware of, so thank you all for jumping down my throat. My maid of honor had bailed on three different dress shopping, refused to speak to any of the other brides-maids about the dress fitting, and she had stated that she did not know if she would be able to buy the dress, stand at the alter or handle the "pressures of planning a bridal shower or bachorlette party". But thank you all for putting in your thoughts and I will remember when to post and when not to post.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

Like others have said, the shower and bachorlette party are gifts, not federally mandated requirements.

Your MOH isn't bound by contract to appear at dress fittings or shopping excursions. My MOH has been at every fitting/alteration for me, but that was her choice. I have yet to see her dress. I asked my bridal party to pick their own black cocktail dresses they'll wear again. I won't see the dresses until the day of the wedding, and I don't want to. I chose these women because they're the closest people I have to sisters, and I could give two hoots about what their "roles" are for the wedding. Well, besides show up on time, fully dressed, and eat/drink/be merry.

Talk to your friend again. If she's imagining jobs or pressures, or worse, if YOU'VE led her to believe that being a MOH for you is looking like Anne Hathaway's job in "Devil Wears Prada", you need to settle up with her soon. She might not want to talk to the other BMs because she thinks they can handle what she can't.

Veranza · February 2012

I understand that all of the material things are not worth losing a friendship, but a lot of it had to do with the aspect of "being there for the bride". There is a specific aspect of the "issues in her everyday life" that I do not feel is appropiate to post on a board, for her sake.

I have offered to pay for the dress, to pay for everything for her. The whole issue has to do with her inability to be reliable or stable. When I asked her to be my MOH, none of these issues were apparent. That is why I pulled her aside and asked her what was going on and what I could do to help. Her answer was "I cannot handle the MOH position".

Now she is telling me she can handle it. My biggest issue is if she is going to be reliable now. Or if 3 months down the line, she is going to diappear, not talk to me or even show up for the wedding. She is my best friend. I reach out to her on a daily basis, but there is only so much a person can do before she feels like she is being used in the situation, which I feel like I am being used.

mkrupar · February 2012

Her personaly life has no bearing on her ability to be your MOH. Why aren't you understanding this? She may have some stress or things going on in her life that may put her out of touch for some time, but that doesn't not mean she is incapable of handling the role of being an MOH.

She told you she felt forced to step down. I would have too if a bride had come to me asking if I was "able to handle the pressures of being an MOH".

Look we all want our friends to be excited, supportive, and helpful during the planning process. But the only person who actually has to be those things is your FI (total party line I know). It's true though.

I get it. You're disappointed she may not be able to plan a rockin' bachelorette, or shower for you, but that's what other friends, family, and BMs are for. It's not her "job" to do it. If she can, awesome, if not, she's still your friend. Except you madeher feel like a shitty friend by asking her if she can handle being an MOH. Do you see that?

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

You keep bringing up that she's being "unreliable" - what, exactly, does she need to be "reliable" for if you're already buying her dress and paying her way? The only thing she has to do that involves "reliability" is showing up for the wedding - do you think she can handle that?

Also, I hate all this "being there for the bride" nonsense (not just from you, OP, that phrase pops up pretty often on TK). I honestly don't understand how planning one of the happiest days of your life creates so much "stress" that you require emotional support from your wedding party to make it through. My wedding's fully planned, I and my FI did it together without any other help, and it took up approximately 3 Saturdays plus a few weekday vendor appointments. Seriously, it's a wedding, not the invasion of Normandy. Chill out. Your friend is obviously going through a really bad time - how about you try being there for her instead of worrying about whether or not she can adequately fulfill your wedding fantasies?

Veranza · February 2012

To me, being reliable means that I can call her or I can say that I need help with something or that I need a person to talk to and she will be there. I am trying to understand why everything thinks that the only thing a bridesmaid is supposed to do is buy a dress and show up. The times that I was a bridesmaid, I was the moral support to the bride and was there when she needed me.

I completely understand that there are things that I might not get for my wedding, but to have a best friend ditch you, especially for your wedding and planning and everything else is the worse feeling in the world. I think that if anyone else had a MOH that just fell off the face of the earth, said she couldn't be the MOH, then blamed the bride for "forcing her to make the decision" would be concerned. I never forced her to step down, I simply asked if she could handle life. Life in general and then she broke down and said she couldn't handle the MOH position.

graysquirrel · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:265a08b0-6906-4c76-8596-9e839909101b">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand that all of the material things are not worth losing a friendship, but a lot of it had to do with the aspect of <strong>"being there for the bride".</strong> There is a specific aspect of the "issues in her everyday life" that I do not feel is appropiate to post on a board, for her sake. I have offered to pay for the dress, to pay for everything for her. The whole issue has to do with her inability to be reliable or stable. When I asked her to be my MOH, none of these issues were apparent. That is why I pulled her aside and asked her what was going on and what I could do to help. Her answer was "I cannot handle the MOH position". Now she is telling me she can handle it. My biggest issue is if she is going to be reliable now. Or if 3 months down the line, she is going to diappear, not talk to me or even show up for the wedding. She is my best friend. I reach out to her on a daily basis, but there is only so much a person can do before she feels like she is being used in the situation, which I feel like I am being used.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

If she stepped down, then I understand that you might be concerned about her flaking out a little, but from your first post you made it sound like you may have pressured her a little. Regardless, I think that I would let her back in and give her her old role back. If she is really your best friend, then that is what should matter and it is ok to have 2 MOHs.

I am not sure what you mean by your "be there for the bride" statement. What do you need her to do? Her only role will be played out on the wedding day, and on that day she should be able to set aside her issues. Otherwise she doesn't really need to do anything besides get the settled on dress. If she can't shop with you, then she can go on her own. If she doesn't get the dress, then she takes herself out of the party.

Rummi302 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:f9694c51-f40a-45ff-b98a-25b8b43d2437">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that if anyone else had a MOH that just fell off the face of the earth, said she couldn't be the MOH, then blamed the bride for "forcing her to make the decision" would be concerned. I never forced her to step down, I simply asked if she could handle life. Life in general and then she broke down and said she couldn't handle the MOH position.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

<div>So you think your best friend cannot handle life in general, so you pull her aside while dress shopping to discuss it? That really isn't being a true friend to her at all. If your friend is really having that rough of a time in life then you should address that completely separate from your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Your wedding isn't that important to anyone else, I promise. She might be pulling away because she feels like you aren't being a great friend either (i.e., more concerned about how her problems will affect your wedding than, you know, her.) </div>

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:f9694c51-f40a-45ff-b98a-25b8b43d2437">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, being reliable means that I can call her or I can say that I need help with something or that I need a person to talk to and she will be there. I am trying to understand why everything thinks that the only thing a bridesmaid is supposed to do is buy a dress and show up. The times that I was a bridesmaid, I was the moral support to the bride and was there when she needed me. I completely understand that there are things that I might not get for my wedding, but to have a best friend ditch you, especially for your wedding and planning and everything else is the worse feeling in the world. I think that if anyone else had a MOH that just fell off the face of the earth, said she couldn't be the MOH, then blamed the bride for "forcing her to make the decision" would be concerned. I never forced her to step down, I simply asked if she could handle life. Life in general and then she broke down and said she couldn't handle the MOH position.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but if you need "moral support" to get through the process of planning your wedding, you're doing it wrong, IMHO. And the reason we think all she has to do is buy the dress and show up is because <em>all she has to do is buy the dress and show up</em>.

As for the rest of it, again, I'm going to reiterate that she's very obviously going through a rough time. Rather than trying to help her, it seems like you're sitting around pouting about what she's not doing for you. People go through rough times, and yes, sometimes that means that they "drop off the face of the earth." That's life, and it happens, regardless of the fact that you happen to be getting married and would prefer that your friend was Suzy Sunshine so she could fulfill her role in your PPD. Have a little sympathy for the girl, for crissake, instead of condemning her for not doing enough for you.

chumlee7478 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:f9694c51-f40a-45ff-b98a-25b8b43d2437">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, being reliable means that I can call her or I can say that I need help with something or that I need a person to talk to and she will be there. I am trying to understand why everything thinks that the only thing a bridesmaid is supposed to do is buy a dress and show up. The times that I was a bridesmaid, I was the moral support to the bride and was there when she needed me. I completely understand that there are things that I might not get for my wedding, but to have a best friend ditch you, especially for your wedding and planning and everything else is the worse feeling in the world. I think that if anyone else had a MOH that just fell off the face of the earth, said she couldn't be the MOH, then blamed the bride for "forcing her to make the decision" would be concerned. I never forced her to step down, I simply asked if she could handle life. Life in general and then she broke down and said she couldn't handle the MOH position.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

That is all a bridesmaid or maid of honor is supposed to do-buy a dress and stand up for you on your wedding day. That is truly it. You clearly have emotional expectations of your MOH, and while that's fine, she clearly can't handle it. Reset your expectations, back off and move forward. Include her as your MOH and get on with things. She isn't going to be what you want her to be as far as moral support, she has too much going on. It sucks having a friend go through a rough time, but seriously, you sound selfish and like you yourself can't adjust. Just roll with it, believe me, your friend needs you to, and you need to as well.

I have 6 girls in my bridal party. My MOH has gone from being the best MOH in the free world to a flake case because she started dating someone new, and she's in a wedding 2 weeks before mine. No big deal. She'll be there day of, and that's all that matters. Two BMs are loving every detail of the wedding, 3 could care. They'll see things day of the wedding. Great. They'll all be there. That's all I ask. If they have a shower or a party for me, fantastic. Great. If not, my life will seriously go on.

Girlie1030 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:f9694c51-f40a-45ff-b98a-25b8b43d2437">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]To me, being reliable means that I can call her or I can say that I need help with something or that I need a person to talk to and she will be there. I am trying to understand why everything thinks that the only thing a bridesmaid is supposed to do is buy a dress and show up. The times that I was a bridesmaid, I was the moral support to the bride and was there when she needed me. I completely understand that there are things that I might not get for my wedding, but to have a best friend ditch you, especially for your wedding and planning and everything else is the worse feeling in the world. I think that if anyone else had a MOH that just fell off the face of the earth, said she couldn't be the MOH, then blamed the bride for "forcing her to make the decision" would be concerned. I never forced her to step down, <strong>I simply asked if she could handle life. Life in general and then she broke down</strong> and said she couldn't handle the MOH position.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

If this is the case, I'd be a helluva lot more worried about my friend than my wedding.

RaptorSLH · February 2012

What Steph said, both times.

Neither my MOH nor BM are able to dress shop with me, or throw me parties. I still love them and wouldn't dream of not having them. Take her back as co-MOH, and if she gets stressed again, tell her she matters more than the parties do.

Do try to take some time to just focus on being her friend, not the bride. It really sounds like she could use the emotional support. Any friend close enough for you to have made her MOH in the first place should be a friend chose enough that you want to provide that support.

Yes, the answers were fairly aggressive. TheKnot forums are a "tough love" kind of place.

ceh789 · February 2012

Wow - your "best friend" is apparently having some kind of emotional crisis and you're worried... about how it impacts her ability to BE THERE FOR YOU?

Why aren't you being there for her? With friends like that...

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