He doesn't want to get married (yet)

miamary · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:6e0b5de8-ce76-4c2b-80b0-ff14b4c2ef0e">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : You completely missed the point. I said that I wanted a house and substantial savings more than a ring aka financial stability over something pretty on my finger. That has nothing to do with how much the house costs. But since the amount means so much to you, we looked at houses well over $300K... and had more than a 20% down payment in the bank. We ended up buying an inexpensive house as an investment property, and plan on moving out of it within the next couple of years. And this is my ring, since you seem to be superficial:
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Not sure where you get that from, but it's a pretty ring!</div>

miamary · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:cec861ea-a194-45aa-b240-ee09682dd1dc">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]God, we're such horribly bitter old women. Do I still get to be part of the club? Sweetcheeks, talk to your friends. The ones that aren't married but are in good, committed relationships. Ask them why they aren't biting at the bullet to get married RIGHT THIS SECOND. You'll be astounded. You don't have until 30 to make it. If you don't make it by 30, it's not like there's some sort of big giant gate that falls out of the sky and says "STOP HERE, NO MORE LIFE FOR YOU." You can still become a married hag. I know a woman who is just getting married for the first time. She's 50. And you know what? She is completely ecstatic that she waited so long, because she found the right person for her. Although, she could have picked a prettier dress. But whatever, she's an odd one. You want more than one baby? Newsflash, you have 10 years after you turn 30 before people start getting weird about having kids. 10 YEARS. That's like...ages. You don't like that we're blunt and brutally honest? I'd be wiling to bet that your unmarried friends in committed relationships would tell you the exact same thing.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Well, it depends. Some dos, some don't. (Not surprisingly?) Girls tell me to just go ahead, while guys understand his viewpoint more. </div><div>
</div><div>And actually, no, my friends are not in good relationships. Let me think. One is with her bf for 3 years I think, she's 27 and he's about 34. Even the thought of moving in together scares the hell out of both of them.</div><div>Another one just got divorced from her now-ex-husband who turned out to be gay, after all. My sister (the one who's not pregnant) is with her bf for 4 or 5 years now, they both behave completely unnatural around the other. And so on. My point is, whenever I look at their relationships I value mine even more:)</div><div>
</div>

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:a8332c26-f85d-46e4-b4af-6be24fc77c28">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : Yeah, but there are 10 years between 30 and 40. You can have plenty of kids during that time frame. <strong> I'm sure Mutley could punch out at least 7 if we challenged her.</strong>
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Dude, do not say that to my husband. He would be on it like white on rice.

And yes, on our track, we could easily punch out 7 in 10 years. Heck, we plan on punching out 4 in about 6-ish years.

paintgirl · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:ee15a091-c68f-4039-a831-d848e428dc7e">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : It was an university exchange program! I wouldn't want to come here if I were you, it's freeeeeeezing. Question to everyone: Were you all so rational and sensible about getting engaged and married before you did?! Can hardly imagine so many women being sooo rational;) Never hoped, wished, dreamed?!
Posted by miamary[/QUOTE]

I'm not engaged. I'm not married. So yes, I am this rational and sensible. I have had a few times when I've been impatient (known as BSC - bat sh*t crazy - around these parts), but ... I'm not really in it for the party. Or the dress. Or the bridesmaids.

Now the cake. I'm in it for the cake.

paintgirl · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:0873f0c7-be86-4ec9-89fe-3915b316cd1a">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE] Now guys, tell me. Be honest. Have you never thought to yourself "before age X, I want to be married"? Does it not bother you when people around you your age are getting married, that maybe are together short than you are?Posted by miamary[/QUOTE]

Nope. I have never in my life thought by 30 (or whatever) I want to be married. You know what I did think? By 30 I want to:
1. Be at a particular point in my career.
2. Make at least X.
3. Own my own home (me. solo. alone.)
4. Travel to x, y and z.
5. a few other random things.

I'm 32. By 29 I had accomplished all of those things. And you know what? Something was missing. It turns out the missing thing was my BF. But I needed to become a PERSON on my OWN before I could be a successful part of a couple. I am so grateful I did all of those things before I met my BF. My confidence and determination are part of what attracted him to me (and I give a rockin' ... well you know).

And I think that's the last of my age-related goals. Everything else can just happen as it happens!

csousa1 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:df476c13-7305-42c7-b0c6-3050f59ec559">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : I'm not engaged. I'm not married. So yes, I am this rational and sensible. I have had a few times when I've been impatient (known as BSC - bat sh*t crazy - around these parts), but ... I'm not really in it for the party. Or the dress. Or the bridesmaids. <strong>Now the cake. I'm in it for the cake.
</strong>Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

Yesssss.

Whenever BF proposes, I am going to ask him to seriously consider eloping and just having our honeymoon in a room full of cake. Close family can come, but they have to bring their own forks, and I *will* throw elbows.

Elle1036 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:556670b3-9a5b-484b-9b6d-34f817011cd5">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : Dude, do not say that to my husband. He would be on it like white on rice. And yes, on our track, we could easily punch out 7 in 10 years. Heck, we plan on punching out 4 in about 6-ish years.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

<div>See, Mary? Relax your timeline a little. Unless you plan on being Michelle Duggar, you have plenty of time.</div>

Beads921 · October 2011

My BF doesn't want to get married yet either. We've been together over 4 years, have 2 furbabies, and own a house. I've known for almost the entire time we've been together that he might never be ready for or comfortable with marriage. As we've grown together, he's warmed up a bit to the idea of marriage, but it could still be 10 years away. I made a choice - to take him and accept him as he was, negative feelings toward marriage and all. Marriage is still something I'd like someday, but I value my relationship with him far more than I value that piece of paper and all that comes with it.

I have no deadline for when I want to be married or have kids by, and I never have. I'm taking it as it comes.

What I'm getting at is basically that you need to stop worrying about what other people think and setting superficial deadlines and expectations for yourself. Don't compare your relationship to others - you'll never be satisfied. And further, stop discounting your BF's feelings! He doesn't feel ready or financially stable enough to get married. That's kind of a big deal. Talk about it - you're each entitled to your own opinion, but compromising and making your opinions jive together is key.

miamary · October 2011

How many do you have yet, Mutley??

I do somewhat see what everyone is saying about financial stability. However, everyone has their own preferences about that. His may vary from mine. Mine may vary from other peoples'. I will have to respect his, he will have to respect mine. I've always been more of a not-planner. He's an extreme planner.

There are some things I would definitely NOT do in terms of financial stability- as for example, get married and not use contraception AND quit my full time job with my husband losing his job 4 weeks later AND be in debt 150 k. That's what a friend of mine did. Fortunately, he found new employment.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2011

If you calm down and take the emotion out of it, you'll see that the girls here are giving you very logical advice.

There's nothing wrong with your BF wanting to feel financially secure before moving on to the next step. If you absolutely can't wait, then maybe he isn't the right guy for you.

We're not trying to be mean. We're trying to be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts.

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:9b4272ae-ee1c-4e85-8c6c-9429e14bbb9b">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>How many do you have yet, Mutley?? </strong>

I do somewhat see what everyone is saying about financial stability. However, everyone has their own preferences about that. His may vary from mine. Mine may vary from other peoples'. <strong>I will have to respect his, he will have to respect mine.</strong> I've always been more of a not-planner. He's an extreme planner.

There are some things I would definitely NOT do in terms of financial stability- as for example, get married and not use contraception AND quit my full time job with my husband losing his job 4 weeks later AND be in debt 150 k. That's what a friend of mine did. Fortunately, he found new employment.
Posted by miamary[/QUOTE]

By the time we will have been married for about 2.5 years, we'll have 2 kids. There will be 18 months between them.

The thing is that from everything you've posted, you aren't respecting his. Also, I think that when it comes to financial security, the planner wins. You have nothing to gain from pushing him to get married before he feels secure. Absolutely nothing but resentment.

leia1979 · October 2011

Well, as usual, I'm late to the party. As others have said, nothing happens to you when you turn 30. I think my only goal was to move out by 30, but then again, I was born without a biological clock.

Financial security is very important and means something different to each person. I want to be able to put $100k down on a house and still have $50k left over, because less than that would make me uncomfortable.

I did not want to marry my husband until he was out of debt. Not only did he pay off his remaining debt, but he was able to save up his half of the wedding costs before the wedding.

OP, as others have said, pushing him on this topic will only push him away. You're only 27. There's no rush.

bsidebella · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:0873f0c7-be86-4ec9-89fe-3915b316cd1a">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]Were you all so rational and sensible about getting engaged and married before you did?! Can hardly imagine so many women being sooo rational;) Never hoped, wished, dreamed?!
[....]
Now guys, tell me. Be honest. Have you never thought to yourself "before age X, I want to be married"? Does it not bother you when people around you your age are getting married, that maybe are together short than you are? I can't imagine no one here thinks this way!
Posted by miamary[/QUOTE]

I never thought I would get married ever in my entire life. Ever. From the time I was in middle school, I was staunchly anti-marriage. Before I got with my FI, my plan was to stay single forever, with only dogs for company. Marriage and kids were the farthest thing from my mind, which is why when we did get together, I didn't think once about him proposing (until he actually told me, "I have a ring").

We <em>still </em>don't know if we want kids. I am not fond of children in the slightest, and I have a fear of pregnancy, so they might be out of the question, and FI is fine with that. We decided to make a decision before we are 40 to have kids.

Slow. Down.

That is the best advice I can give you.

Allisonesq77 · October 2011

Your post?
"I think it has to do with the fact that this age (at least for me) a long time marked the end of "everything". As in having fun, going out, looking good. Obviously, this is completely stupid, but when you're 18, 30 is very , very old.

The closer I get the less I think that way though.

"

I just turned 34. Do I get my social security now?

TheMutleys · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:9d0cc68f-6258-41e4-a8c9-2f938b39d7ba">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]Your post? "I think it has to do with the fact that this age (at least for me) a long time marked the end of "everything". As in having fun, going out, looking good. Obviously, this is completely stupid, but when you're 18, 30 is very , very old. The closer I get the less I think that way though. :)"

I just turned 34. Do I get my social security now?
Posted by Allisonesq77[/QUOTE]

Don't forget that you don't have fun, don't go out and look horrible.

Allisonesq77 · October 2011

Oh jeez Mutley I forgot that part. That and I may as well just have my baby makin' parts removed right now. They're useless anyway...

oceana919 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:dd4c68b3-6ecc-476a-a8d6-ab25c8968864">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to say what I told my bestie: in one year, your life could be SO different. Enjoy your relationship. Sh*t happens. You can only control yourself and your behaviour. Do not rely on anyone else for your happiness. As for the club mentality: yeah, it might feel like a club. But we've ALL been the new kid. Look, I have a silver badge now AND Paige welcomed me to the Old Murried Hags club, so I should have that tshirt in the mail any day now. If you're interested in building relationships with other women who enjoy life, then you're in the right place. I have a great support group here and even if I don't post every day, I have a dozen + friends that I can lean on if I need to chat. It takes the pressure off my husband to hear the same rant until I'm done. :D
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

I wanna Old Married Hag Club t-shirt. I would wear that sucker with pride.

paintgirl · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:9d0cc68f-6258-41e4-a8c9-2f938b39d7ba">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]Your post? "I think it has to do with the fact that this age (at least for me) a long time marked the end of "everything". As in having fun, going out, looking good. Obviously, this is completely stupid, but when you're 18, 30 is very , very old. The closer I get the less I think that way though. :)" I just turned 34. Do I get my social security now?
Posted by Allisonesq77[/QUOTE]

You funny.

oceana919 · October 2011

SKP82 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:136fb891-3206-4912-a694-bad88bbd8b53">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : I actually was sketching out a crest/coat of arms type MOH logo. If you guys really want tshirts, I'll do it and put it up on my zazzle!
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

That would be awesomesauce. I can't have one yet, though.

SKP82 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:5feef4a6-6805-4e0d-b356-84b9f948f155">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet) : <strong>We should vote on a tshirt design</strong> for NEY and the engaged girls. It'd be a great thing to put in my portfolio.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

I feel a new thread coming on...

cu97tiger · October 2011

So, I skipped a few posts but Miamary... I just got back from a week in Germany (which we all knows makes me an expert on German culture), and something you mentioned in one of your posts made me wonder if your BF is German?

FI and I found that the local culture was for couples to be together for years, have a child, maybe even 2 or 3 children, and THEN get married. It is very common there, and seemed to be uncommon for people to get married before they are 30. If your BF is used to that culture, then I totally understand why he is thinking kids before marriage.

Talk about the finances. It's ok for you not to want to have to postpone marriage until you have a million dollars in the bank, and it's also okay for him to have a goal in mind... just figure out what the goal is, and start working towards it.

miamary · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:faab6153-2a57-4593-bb07-3bf62db00615">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I skipped a few posts but Miamary... I just got back from a week in Germany (which we all knows makes me an expert on German culture), and something you mentioned in one of your posts made me wonder if your BF is German? FI and I found that the local culture was for couples to be together for years, have a child, maybe even 2 or 3 children, and THEN get married. It is very common there, and seemed to be uncommon for people to get married before they are 30. If your BF is used to that culture, then I totally understand why he is thinking kids before marriage. Talk about the finances. It's ok for you not to want to have to postpone marriage until you have a million dollars in the bank, and it's also okay for him to have a goal in mind... just figure out what the goal is, and start working towards it.
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>He is. Culture or not, I do not want kids before marriage period. It's also a personal decision, I think. It's not uncommon though (I mean my sister is having a baby and is single! I think that situation is far from perfect to have a child though, but it's not exactly unusual). </div><div>
</div><div><div>We're not even talking a million dollars, we'd be talking a million Euros.... that is worse. :)</div></div><div>
</div><div>So, yesterday we actually had a good (calm) talk about this. I told him what I was worried about and he told me what he was worried about. He said he didn't want us to feel pressured to make everything work out because we're already married with so many issues still to be taken care of, and I told him I'm afraid that day will never come where everything is perfect. He said he could say how that worried me and commitment-wise he'd get married right now, but would want to give me the wedding I dream of and not going down to the city hall and just sign documents there. Actually,it helped a lot.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Re: American-style wedding</div><div>More and more people are getting married in a more "Americanized" way, mixed with our own traditions, that's what I have in mind. I think people will be able to understand the wedding therefore. There are some German traditions I'd DEFINITELY want to skip, like "bridenapping". This means, the bride is taken hostage by some of their friends and they are going from bar to bar in the town and the husband has to pay for all the tabs they leave behind until he finds them. This is just party crashing to me since some are in the bars, some are back at the venue/restaurant...no. Also, it's a lot of money for basically nothing. That's just an example. I know a lot of my girlfriends (non of whom are getting married any time soon) would like to have a more Americanized wedding, too. A lot of people also wear the rings on the left hand these days, traditionally it's the right hand for us. Some people don't wear rings at all.</div><div>
</div><div>What I really don't get on here- everyone is excited once they're engaged, which is totally understandable, but why is it that others are not allowed to hope for the same excitement? It's not unnatural to dream about it, is it? It's like "you wait until the proposal and THEN you are allowed to get excited". Y'all never felt the slightest jealousy or hoped you would join the club soon? Never looked at e-rings and just dreamed?</div><div>
</div><div>Also, as for the timelines. I get how some of you think they're stupid. But once again, it's a personal decision. I don't judge others when they want kids at 40, or leave that decision open until age X. I personally, as stated before, do not want a child when I'm 40. Actually, not after 35, preferably younger. I have my reasons, just as others may have their reasons to wait. But I think this is completely acceptable, isn't it? (Btw- my bf is on the same page here)</div><div>Also, what IF I do want to get married before 30? I know, I shall not pressure him, I get that much, I think that is reasonable advice. I honestly would not want to get married at 50, and I'd be very frustrated before that would happen. And I doubt others wouldn't feel the same way. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

miamary · October 2011

Also, when I used to live in Fl, I knew quite a lot of engaged couples who still were in college /grad school. I remember talking to a guy in my class who was 24 and just had proposed, and he said "American girls expect it, it's been 4 years".

So I was kind of surprised to hear everyone's opinion on here. Never seemed to me those couples thought a lot about financial stability before getting engaged.

oceana919 · October 2011

caitlin.cave · October 2011

You're totally allowed to be excited about getting engaged. Nobody said you weren't. It's just that when it's not practical for money reasons (although, I personally think that as long as you're not going into debt to purchase the ring, it's marriage that needs the financial stability, not engagement) you need to slow your roll and not pressure your BF.

Dreaming about it is fine. Looking forward to when you'll be married is fine. It's just not fine when you let it take over your life (which I'm not saying you're doing). It's not that nobody would be frustrated if they were with their SO for since 30 and he dragged his feet until 50 to get married, it's just that picking an arbitrary age that you MUST be married by doesn't make sense. It's not like you wake up on your 30th birthday and you feel unable to have kids or get married. It's so much more important to live your life the way that seems best to you, not because you have chosen an age limit for yourself. If it doesn't work financially to get married before 30, it's best not to do it.

kellyt89 · October 2011

Okay I read this *entire* thread (yeah...I've been student teaching all day, I needed a break) and here is my $0.02:

1. I agree with everyone here that financial security is extremely important. Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Financial security to get married for ME would mean being out of school and in a job making enough money where I would be able to live on my own comfortably, pay my bills and have at least 3-6 months worth of living expenses saved. I wouldn't want to have any "bad debt" (i.e. no credit card debt, huge car payments, but grad school loans are okay).

2. Another big thing that not many people have mentioned is I would want to know that my SO's values about money and mine were the same. This might be something your BF is waiting for. I'm not condemning you for having a shopping problem, I'm just saying that I would be EXTREMELY hesitant to enter into a lifelong, legal and financial commitment with someone who was still recovering from that and learning how to spend money responsibly. One of the top 3 reasons I broke up with my XBF was that he had no concept of how to responsibly handle money.

3. I'm really excited about my relationship and you should be too. Yes, there are times when I get all starry eyed and think about my wedding or being married or having kids or something, but 9 times out of 10 I'm just happy to be where I am. Be thankful and excited about what you have RIGHT NOW - a committed relationship with someone you love who loves you. Don't think about your life as "starting" when you get married or engaged - do things now that remind you how wonderful your life is, how wonderful your relationship is.

4. I get where you're coming from - I would ideally like to have kids between the ages of 30 and 35. My mom had me when she was almost 37 and she has a friend who had her 1st baby at 44. It's just a personal preference for me and there's nothing wrong with that. However, you don't need to get engaged now to have kids at 30.

I hope that you can take the constructive things that people here are saying to you and realize it's really good advice. I also hope you stick around and let people here get to know you for you - not for this one post you made.

miamary · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:639e1896-feae-45fa-8cfd-12d7234f4022">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]You're totally allowed to be excited about getting engaged. Nobody said you weren't. It's just that when it's not practical for money reasons (although, I personally think that as long as you're not going into debt to purchase the ring, it's marriage that needs the financial stability, not engagement) you need to slow your roll and not pressure your BF. Dreaming about it is fine. Looking forward to when you'll be married is fine. It's just not fine when you let it take over your life (which I'm not saying you're doing). It's not that nobody would be frustrated if they were with their SO for since 30 and he dragged his feet until 50 to get married, it's just that picking an arbitrary age that you MUST be married by doesn't make sense. It's not like you wake up on your 30th birthday and you feel unable to have kids or get married. It's so much more important to live your life the way that seems best to you, not because you have chosen an age limit for yourself. If it doesn't work financially to get married before 30, it's best not to do it.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That makes a lot of sense. Thank you. </div><div>
</div><div>And I don't plan to go in debt for anything minus maybe real estate, let alone a ring.</div>

miamary · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt-want-married-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:068095e7-e51b-41c6-9451-243f5faaea6bPost:25fcb67a-beae-4ff3-abd8-cca6223a420c">Re: He doesn't want to get married (yet)</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay I read this *entire* thread (yeah...I've been student teaching all day, I needed a break) and here is my $0.02: 1. I agree with everyone here that financial security is extremely important. Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Financial security to get married for ME would mean being out of school and in a job making enough money where I would be able to live on my own comfortably, pay my bills and have at least 3-6 months worth of living expenses saved. I wouldn't want to have any "bad debt" (i.e. no credit card debt, huge car payments, but grad school loans are okay). 2. Another big thing that not many people have mentioned is I would want to know that my SO's values about money and mine were the same. This might be something your BF is waiting for. I'm not condemning you for having a shopping problem, I'm just saying that I would be EXTREMELY hesitant to enter into a lifelong, legal and financial commitment with someone who was still recovering from that and learning how to spend money responsibly. One of the top 3 reasons I broke up with my XBF was that he had no concept of how to responsibly handle money. 3. I'm really excited about my relationship and you should be too. Yes, there are times when I get all starry eyed and think about my wedding or being married or having kids or something, but 9 times out of 10 I'm just happy to be where I am. Be thankful and excited about what you have RIGHT NOW - a committed relationship with someone you love who loves you. Don't think about your life as "starting" when you get married or engaged - do things now that remind you how wonderful your life is, how wonderful your relationship is. 4. I get where you're coming from - I would ideally like to have kids between the ages of 30 and 35. My mom had me when she was almost 37 and she has a friend who had her 1st baby at 44. It's just a personal preference for me and there's nothing wrong with that. However, you don't need to get engaged now to have kids at 30. I hope that you can take the constructive things that people here are saying to you and realize it's really good advice. I also hope you stick around and let people here get to know you for you - not for this one post you made.
Posted by kellyt89[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>0. Thank you for reading EVERYTHING. </div><div>1. College/grad school is basically free over here (yes, really), so no debt. No other debt either.</div><div>2. I get it. Our values are not exactly the same and they'll probably never be, but we have to find a way to make it work anyway. For me, that means: don't play big spender. For him, that means: It's ok to spend some money on things you don't "need" (as in buying clothes once a year , going out to dinner once in a while, ordering a steak instead of pasta. He'd literally buy nothing for himself. Ever.)</div><div>3. I don't think of my life as "starting" then, it has started a long time ago;) Even before I met him. Doesn't mean I don't get excited every now and then though. (Watching romantic Disney movies while sick doesn't help). I was just wondering- this is a wedding board, after all. Every not yet engaged lady came here for a reason, right?</div><div> True I don't necessarily need to get engaged now to have kids at 30.

</div><div>I plan to stick around. But dare I say I didn't necessarily get the feeling people want me to.</div>

caitlin.cave · October 2011

Posting on this board means you will get honest, genuine advice. For some reason, people always feel like that's too harsh. Maybe it's the society we live in? (But you live in a different one, so I have no idea.)

Lots of people who come on here with bad ideas (like "I'm just going to buy the e-ring myself with my college loan money and tell him we're engaged because I'm sick of waiting.") don't appreciate that most of us will tell them that's the most awful idea we've ever heard. Your post was nowhere near that crazy, but these ladies were being honest and giving you real advice. It's not that they don't like you, or don't want you to stick around.

He doesn't want to get married (yet)

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