fmil

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

I need advice/grounding. My fmil is great, BUT my wedding is making her crazy. She has very traditional attitudes about our wedding, ie. she said that she thinks my parents are responsible to pay for the entire wedding, and that she thinks she should pay for the reh. dinner. For one, I totally disagree with her, and I think that the only people responsible for paying for our wedding is my fiance and I.

Anyway, it's nice that she wants to pay for the reh. dinner, but since it's our wedding, we'd like to have our reh. dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. My fiance told his mom where we want the reh. dinner, but she told us that it's too expensive. She's not poor, but since it's her money, I respect her right to do what she wants with it. She then told us that she's been asking his sister and her friends where she should have the reh. dinner, and didn't ask us for any input which I find kinda funny since it's our wedding.

Do you think it's innapropriate for us to tell her thank you, but since we want the reh. dinner at that restaurant that we're fine pitching in/paying ourselves?

Also, she's really hell bent on us having a few elements at our wedding that we don't care about that much. She's kinda trying to shove it down our throats by saying she'll pay for it, but since it's not really what we want. My attitude is that if she's willing to put any money toward our wedding, I'd rather be able to use it for stuff we actually want. Am I out of line on this, or should I just let her do what she wants?

I'm just feeling overwhelmed and appreciate anyone else's thoughts.

Thanks, ladies!

JessAndTrav · August 2012

According to Emily Post, it is appropriate for the wedding costs to be split among your parents, his parents as well as you and your FI if that's being presented as an option. Because of this, I would think that it would be okay to offer to pay the difference of the RD venue if the one that you and your FI would like is out of your FMILs budget.

Out of curiosity, what else is she wanting to do that you're not keen on?

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

Thanks for the advice.

She thinks it would be cool for us to have a cigar roller, which is kinda random since my fiance doesn't smoke cigars, and neither do any of his friends or any family members that we know of.

The other thing is that she's Episcopalian, but doesn't even go to church, and she's insisting on us getting married in an Episcopal church. I was raised Catholic, but since my fiance and I don't go to church either, we could care less if we even get married in a church, let alone in an Episcopal church.

She's offering money for these two things because it's what she wants, but she's not offering us money for anything that matters to us.

I'm not trying to sound bratty, I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed, so I appreciate the advice from you girls b/c I don't want to complain to my fiance about his mom.

JessAndTrav · August 2012

The cigar rolling this is random, that's for sure. I would give it a 'thanks, but no thanks' approach.

As for the church part, if you don't care about where you get married, maybe just look for a pretty Episcopal church?

If that's not what you want, then again, say 'thanks, but no thanks'

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

oh I forgot to mention that she's already picked out the episcopal church that SHE likes the most...ya know, since it's her wedding

willywally5 · August 2012

Oh my.

I'm not even sure what a cigar roller is. Is it a person or a machine? Being that smoking is not legal pretty much anywhere indoors here, maybe that is why I'm so clueless.

I concur on the 'thanks, but no thanks' approach to the things FMIL wants but you don't. If it's something you really don't care about, humor her.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

lol, it's a person. they are expensive, too!

monkeysip · August 2012

No offense to Jess, but I disagree with choosing an Episcopal church.

Unless you or FI plan on practicing Episcopalianism anytime soon, then don't get married there. It's disrespectful. Your ceremony should reflect what you and your FI believe (whatever that is), and you should put your foot down on that. Other things may not be worth arguing over, but where and what kind of ceremony you have should be no-compromise issues.

As for the other stuff, that's just up to you. If the restaurant is really important to you, then you could offer to chip in, or politely decline any money from her and pay for the RD yourselves.

Also, make sure that your FI is leading here. It's her son, so he should be handling his own mother. Just make sure you're both on the same page. I'm sure your FMIL is just really excited for your wedding and wants to have imput, but you also need to make sure that she doesn't think she can control you and FI's decisions. For example, what if you two had a child and she insisted the child be baptized episcopalian? I'm just saying be careful that she understands that it is up to you two to make important decisions about your wedding and your future, and if need be, you may need to reject money if too many strings are attached.

Good luck!

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:dfdc6bf9-b1f7-48ef-9a70-bb03beca4a54">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]lol, it's a person. they are expensive, too!
Posted by kellyjohnson527[/QUOTE]

<div>Interesting. Do they just roll cigars then or do they do something else entertaining, like sing or tell jokes? ; )</div>

JessAndTrav · August 2012

Definitely not offended.

I guess because I see people getting married IRL at churches they don't belong to, it doesn't seem unusual to me.

If the church finds it disrespectful, they usually won't allow you to do it there.

Assuming that her FMIL is Episcopalian, I assumed that her FI was raised that way, and I agree that if they don't want it, they should just decline.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:0906975a-2831-4c2b-9354-044f7a3d3133">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]No offense to Jess, but I disagree with choosing an Episcopal church. Unless you or FI plan on practicing Episcopalianism anytime soon, then don't get married there. It's disrespectful. Your ceremony should reflect what you and your FI believe (whatever that is), and you should put your foot down on that. Other things may not be worth arguing over, but where and what kind of ceremony you have should be no-compromise issues. As for the other stuff, that's just up to you. If the restaurant is really important to you, then you could offer to chip in, or politely decline any money from her and pay for the RD yourselves. Also, make sure that your FI is leading here. It's her son, so he should be handling his own mother. Just make sure you're both on the same page. I'm sure your FMIL is just really excited for your wedding and wants to have imput, but you also need to make sure that she doesn't think she can control you and FI's decisions. For example, what if you two had a child and she insisted the child be baptized episcopalian? I'm just saying be careful that she understands that it is up to you two to make important decisions about your wedding and your future, and if need be, you may need to reject money if too many strings are attached. Good luck!
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

You're totally right...she is probably just really excited and trying to figure out how she can help out.

Hopefully when I have kids, I remember to just say, "Here's the amount I can give, do what you want with it, love mom"

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:78242def-7648-473b-a815-09b2b289f582">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil : Interesting. Do they just roll cigars then or do they do something else entertaining, like sing or tell jokes? ; )
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

they just hand-roll cigars at a table. maybe if they were signing while they worked, it might be worth the money. Actually, maybe I'll learn to hand-roll cigars as a way to make extra money...no joke, I think they charge $10+ PER cigar

monkeysip · August 2012

Well, to me, there's a difference between not being a member of a particular church and not really believing in what the church teaches, you know?

If one of them still believes (at least mostly) in that faith, but just doesn't regularly attend, or attends but not that particular church, then I don't see a problem with it. But from the OP's post, it sounded like neither practice at all and wouldn't care to get married in a church.

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:ee397253-bed0-4dca-bd14-e428529e5455">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fmil : they just hand-roll cigars at a table. maybe if they were signing while they worked, it might be worth the money. Actually, maybe I'll learn to hand-roll cigars as a way to make extra money...no joke, I think they charge $10+ PER cigar
Posted by kellyjohnson527[/QUOTE]

<div>That might be a pretty sweet gig. I suppose if you are really into cigars, it would be very cool. </div>

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

The way she's pushing it is making me not want to get married in a church at all

Benny618 · August 2012

Lol they just roll cigars at the event that people can take home or smoke outside that night. They are pretty common around me but it's kind of a gimmick. My ex and his family own a cigar business so I learned from him that cigars are better as they age a bit in the humidor (where you store cigars). So really a true cigar smoker would not prefer to watch his cigar be rolled and then smoke it right after. The favors haven't marinated enough or something lol My dad and his friends are big cigar smokers, so at my wedding my dad is going to just have tons of "regular" cigars to give out to others who'd like one when he and my FI decide to smoke one outside. OP maybe if you explain that to your FMIL she will change her mind in her own! I imagine if you google or check with a local cigar store they will tell you the same thing that I learned from my ex!

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

benny, you make a really good point about the cigars having to age.

tanyanubin · August 2012

I would agree with monkeysip's remark about it being disrespectful to find a pretty church to get married in if it's not your faith. I think a great amount of people do this, for the purposes of photos in a picturesque venue. Doesn't strike me as quite right. I don't believe, so I didn't get married in a church. It's disrespectful to the people in there who do believe. There are lots of other options. Is your FMIL insisting on it for religious reasons, or family traditions, do you think? Or just because it would look nicer?

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:fa157ec2-ebb9-439c-ad55-7268a052afe5">fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]I need advice/grounding. My fmil is great, BUT my wedding is making her crazy. She has very traditional attitudes about our wedding, ie. she said that she thinks my parents are responsible to pay for the entire wedding, and that she thinks she should pay for the reh. dinner. For one, I totally disagree with her, and I think that the only people responsible for paying for our wedding is my fiance and I. <strong>Anyway, it's nice that she wants to pay for the reh. dinner, but since it's our wedding, we'd like to have our reh. dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.</strong> My fiance told his mom where we want the reh. dinner, but she told us that it's too expensive. She's not poor, but since it's her money, I respect her right to do what she wants with it. She then told us that she's been asking his sister and her friends where she should have the reh. dinner, and didn't ask us for any input which I find kinda funny since it's our wedding. Do you think it's innapropriate for us to tell her thank you, but since we want the reh. dinner at that restaurant that we're fine pitching in/paying ourselves? Also, she's really hell bent on us having a few elements at our wedding that we don't care about that much. She's kinda trying to shove it down our throats by saying she'll pay for it, but since it's not really what we want. My attitude is that if she's willing to put any money toward our wedding, I'd rather be able to use it for stuff we actually want. Am I out of line on this, or should I just let her do what she wants? I'm just feeling overwhelmed and appreciate anyone else's thoughts. Thanks, ladies!
Posted by kellyjohnson527[/QUOTE]

The host of the RD (the person paying for it) gets to decide where it will be held. If you want it held somewhere else, you need to foot the entire bill.

If she's giving you money for your wedding, she certainly has the right to help decide how it will be spent. If you don't like that, graciously decline her offer of money and pay for everything yourself.

lyndausvi · August 2012

I think there are certain hills to stand and other you just need to let go.

The church would be a huge hill to stand on. The ceremony is 100% about you and your FI. No one should make you take your vows at a location you don't want.

The RD on the other hand would not be a hill I would stand on. It's a dinner, really. Just a dinner. Your FMIL really wants to host. Is your favorite restaurant really that important to you to disappoint your FMIL? (especially when you tell her you are not getting married where she want ---- compromise anyone?) Trust me when I say when you are with your family and friends the location will not matter.

The cigar roller is very random. I would politely decline but I would NOT ask for the money to go towards something else. I'm okay declining the offer, I don't really like negotiating what other people can pay for with their money.

Calypso1977 · August 2012

i personally would decline taking any money from her. once you take taht first dollar it will open up the floodgates. trust me.

kellyjohnson527 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:aa2c5a05-900c-4855-bafe-7c634f4a3aa8">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]i personally would decline taking any money from her. once you take taht first dollar it will open up the floodgates. trust me.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Did you have a bad experience, Calypso?

maribeth721 · August 2012

If you dont need her to pay for anything b/c you guys can swing it. I would just politely decline. Otherwise you will continue dealing with her for months and months and months. She sounds like she's being a little ridiculous. I agree that your FI should be dealing with his Mom. When you bring it up with him, I wouldn't be emotional about it, just be matter of fact.

pink34562000 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:104d1ccf-4196-4ed1-a501-f9a3ac091dc4Post:9ad4cdc5-b444-4f81-8fc7-198a92ddc9a4">Re: fmil</a>:
[QUOTE]The way she's pushing it is making me not want to get married in a church at all
Posted by kellyjohnson527[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't have to get married in the church. There are plenty of alternatives - movie theaters, golf courses, gardens, etc. The ceremony is for the bride and groom, so the bride and groom should make that decision. But, the reception is a thank you for your guests for coming to the ceremony. (The church thing was mentioned to us, and we immediately turned down that option b/c neither one of us is religious.) You can always have a religious figure give your vows if you want religious elements in your ceremony instead of getting married in a church.</div><div>
</div><div>Don't feel pressured into getting married in a church. You don't want to look back and say... it would be nice to get married at this other location instead of a church. Or have any harsh feelings towards your MIL for pressuring you into something that you don't want. </div><div>
</div><div>However, I think your FMIL wants to be a part of planning b/c she is excited for you. You can have her help you with favors, invite her to go dress shopping, put together guest bags, etc. If she offers suggestions, you can say hmmm.... I'll think about it or oh, we decided on this other thing. If she is still frustrating you, your FI may need to talk to his mom.</div><div>
</div>

Calypso1977 · August 2012

kelly, ive seen from others that once money is contributed for one thing they somehow think that gives them say on the entire thing. it also leaves open teh opportunity for guilt (if they are guilters). example: "you know, after all the money we spent on your beautiful RD, the least you could do is invite my best friend's son's stepchild's playmate".

i personally just dont like owing people anything. money can create alot of fights and tension especially with families. weddings and funerals seem to bring out the worst money fights. its also why id never go into a family business or own anything of substantive value with a family member.

BubbsNBubbs · August 2012

Maybe she can pay for the cigar roller person to be at FI's bach party?? It would be MUCH cheaper and she would still get to feel like you are taking her idea?? Cigars for a bach party seem much more reasonable than at a wedding reception?

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