Is it hard...

melntaitt · March 2012

To identify with each other's cultural backgrounds (WR or NWR)? Where I'm from the order goes like this:
Then bf meets the parents
When thinking about marriage, calls dad for blessing
Presents FW with ring
Bride's mother and female relatives plan the entire wedding
Bride and Groom's mother purchase one lot of property for the couple
Women in bride's family hosts ALL pre-wedding parties
Women in bride's family have a clean house "party" where female friends and relatives come in and prepare the new household for the couple
Wedding day
Couple moves in

In the US for me, it's been different and it's killing my mother, aunts, sisters, etc. that none of this is happening and I'm planning everything myself.

What's it like for you guys?

littleluckypenny · March 2012

That is a bit different from what I know. I don't have much experience with weddings in my life (2 before I was 12 and 2 as an adult), so I don't have a clue as to what is customary or not. Me personally, I wanted FI to ask my father, because that was important to me. He did.

Sorry that your females relatives feel bad, but it's just one of the differences that may happen when we marry outside of what is familiar; not just black v white, but north v south and even American v not American. I wish someone would buy us some property and clean the house....

RyansBelovedBride · March 2012

Ryan's Indian, but Anglo-Indian, which means his heritage is sort of the mixed Europeans who settled in India a century ago or so. His mom's bloodline is mainly Porteguese, his dad British. Since his family has clung to their Western heritage even though they've been in India for generations we've not had too many huge cultural differences, though many adjustments.

We've realized though that one clash we've been having is probaby rooted in culture. Even though Ryan's a loud and expressive guy, he doesn't give way to a passionate tone like I do as a American. When I get exciteda bout anything, negatively or positively, my tone changes to one of passion. Ryan says I'm "raising my voice" and shuts down. I get upset, because while sometimes I am angry, a lot of tiems I'm happy but he takes it as me yelling at him. We were discussing this yesterday and it hit Ryan that due to his British heritage he was raised to have teh "stiff upper ip" mentallity, and that's probably why this is such an issue for ius. To be honst, It just confuses me. So we've decided when I get that tone, he should ask me to clarify what it means and take it from there!

mizutamababy · March 2012

For us it was a little... We didn't have the money to throw it well here, and we didn't get the blessings from DH's family first before buying a ring and getting engaged. We only went three months afterwards to talk to them after the engagement. We kind of fibbed that the propsal had happened the day before the meeting. But DH's family is rather estranged and they don't get on well. If they were closer I imagine things would have been different.

Here's how it usually goes...

1. Couple is thinking about marriage and talks it over seriously, deciding that if their parents agree, they will marry.
2. Couple approaches each set of parents and asks for their blessing.
3. If the blessing is given, they go and pick out engagement rings together. (Some couples skip this and only do wedding rings.) If a blessing is not given, they either have to choose to go against their parents, or split. Usually the reason for not giving the blessing has to do with not the male not making enough money or one family not wanting to be associated with the other, and most couples end up splitting.
4. The couple sets a date at a venue if they're going to have a wedding with guests. They rent a dress (in the case of a Western-style wedding ceremony) or rent/buy/borrow a wedding kimono. A coordinator takes care of all the details. There is no WP or wedding colors.
5. The couple fills out their marriage registration sometime before the wedding, since ceremonies are not legally joining.
6. They have the ceremony. Or if there's no ceremony, they might dress up in wedding attire to take professional photos at a studio. These "portrait" weddings are becoming more popular since families are no longer footing the wedding bill and your average wedding here runs about $30,000-$40,000 for Western-style, or $10,000+ for traditional.

Other differences:

How the wedding ceremony/reception goes depends on if it's traditional Japanese or Wesern-style. Western-style weddings are usually conducted in a fake church building with a fake priest, and the reception consists of a meal, drinks, and a bunch of speeches. There's no dancing. Guests are "required" to bring money in amounts of about $100, $300, or $500 depending on their relationship to the couple. Registries are considered tacky and buying a separate gift is often frowned upon if you are a reception guest unless it accompanies a money envelope.

As a "favor" guests are often given wine or something small (if the couple is kind of cheap) or guests get to order something out of a gift catalogue. Usually the catalogue has a bunch of low end electronics and other things of the like.

It's OK to have a tiered reception, too. Guests like this because going to the second or third part after the meal often lowers the amount they're expected to give to the new couple.

Traditional weddings are a little different... there's sake drinking, I believe, and many other rituals that honor the joining of two families.

I think in the U.S., outside of upper class families, most people don't focus too much on the joining of families, but because it was important in DH's culture we had a unity candle ceremony added into our regular ceremony. Everything else we pretty much did the U.S. way, except for having the word spread in favor of receiving monetary and/or small gifts if someone felt they should give. (Not to be greedy, but we didn't want to lug a bunch of stuff we couldn't use back on the plane and honestly we would have been OK with no gifts period.)

melntaitt · March 2012

@littleluckypenny: I understand and that's the only part of the tradition I miss because we could use some property right now.

@miztumba: wow, those are some very strict rules! I think the cultural differences in the East are very different but it's really interesting to see those differences.

BTW: this is why we stay off the E-board!

mizutamababy · March 2012

I hope other brides will post any other cultural differences they're facing or anything that wouldn't be considered traditional in the U.S. It's fascinating to read/learn about.

I've always thought it amazing how people in the past all over the world were able to all create the same thing (in this case the idea of marriage) and do it 100 different ways.

rlavach · March 2012

Things have been a little difficult for us, but mainly because FI really doesn't know much about weddings at all. Regardless of whether they're held here or back home. There were elements, such as gift registries, that he swore they didn't do. Then his mom told him that they do. He was born in France & raised in Martniique. So that has been a challenge.

There have been other small things too. Here it's rude to ask a family member to cook food for an event. We're having a rehearsal dinner in our apartment & he wants to make his mom & aunt cook. All of our family from here would find that really rude that we're making family work that night, rather than relax.

The prices of things here are significantly more also. There, weddings are just a big party held in an auditorium. No flowers, tuxedos, limos, cocktail hours. So all of that seems excessive to his family. They can't afford to contribute anything & I know that makes them sad, since my parents did contribute a large amount.

I'm sure there are plenty of other examples I'm not thinking of. It was a challenge, but not too bad. There haven't been any real problems with our families so far. Only 38 days away right now!

twissy94 · March 2012

My fiance is hispanic and I am black. I was born in Canada but grew up in the States. My issue is that it amazes me that his family does not consider themselves a minority. They view most blacks, if not all, in one light and it is not a very good light I might add. Luckily FI doesn't dig the extended family too much so we really only get together for major holidays, Thanksgiving Christmas.

I live in what is considered a diverse city but I find it to be the most racist amongst our own minorities. That is the most ironic thing about it. Then I have his mother, who is the worst. He tries to convince be she is not racist, she hates all other races/nationalities equally. I guess that's my bad, she is not a racist...just a biggot! The last day or so I have been seriously considering elopping just to avoid the drama. Just wondering how to approach him with the idea. Las Vegas is very appealing at the moment.

mizutamababy · March 2012

@twissy: I'm sorry to hear that about FI's mother and family. DH's mother often makes remarks about "foreigners" (meaning myself and anyone Japanese) and I just have to roll my eyes. People can be ignorant, but as long as you're the better person and you treat your FH right I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

If it gets to be a big problem I would have your FH deal with it. Afterall if you two plan on having children you don't want her butting in telling you or your FH that you're doing it something wrong because you're not hispanic or some other biggotted remark.

Same for whatever mixed cultural elements you might be planning for your wedding.

If ya'll do decide that Vegas is best, the Vegas local board is always happy to help out and give a hand.

twissy94 · March 2012

@mizutamababy: Thanks, I try to be the better person lucky for them they have not gotten a tongue lashing from me thus far. My tongue can be sharper than a two edge sword.

I have lost all energy and interest in planing the wedding and if we don't do vegas we will have a simple park ceremony with the reception at a restaurant. Thanks for the info about the vegas board. I will most definetely check it out.

melntaitt · March 2012

@twissy: I'm really, truly sorry you have to be discriminated against and go through something like that...I swear. Where do people get off deciding who is good enough for another person? Love is not what the eyes see, and it is hard when the people we love are surrounded by other difficult and bigoted a-holes.

My former husband was african american but his mother had a thing about foreigners as well - I have dualed citizenship and this was way before we met. She always had a very poor opinion of foreigners for no real reason. She has the thickest West Indian accent mind you - not mine that pops out every now and again. I mean hardcore WI accent - still prejudiced against foreigners. SMH.

Is it hard...

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