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Interracial Weddings
melntaitt
member
Is it hard...
To identify with each other's cultural backgrounds (WR or NWR)? Where I'm from the order goes like this:
Then bf meets the parents
When thinking about marriage, calls dad for blessing
Presents FW with ring
Bride's mother and female relatives plan the entire wedding
Bride and Groom's mother purchase one lot of property for the couple
Women in bride's family hosts ALL pre-wedding parties
Women in bride's family have a clean house "party" where female friends and relatives come in and prepare the new household for the couple
Wedding day
Couple moves in
In the US for me, it's been different and it's killing my mother, aunts, sisters, etc. that none of this is happening and I'm planning everything myself.
What's it like for you guys?
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Re: Is it hard...
Sorry that your females relatives feel bad, but it's just one of the differences that may happen when we marry outside of what is familiar; not just black v white, but north v south and even American v not American. I wish someone would buy us some property and clean the house....
We've realized though that one clash we've been having is probaby rooted in culture. Even though Ryan's a loud and expressive guy, he doesn't give way to a passionate tone like I do as a American. When I get exciteda bout anything, negatively or positively, my tone changes to one of passion. Ryan says I'm "raising my voice" and shuts down. I get upset, because while sometimes I am angry, a lot of tiems I'm happy but he takes it as me yelling at him. We were discussing this yesterday and it hit Ryan that due to his British heritage he was raised to have teh "stiff upper ip" mentallity, and that's probably why this is such an issue for ius. To be honst, It just confuses me. So we've decided when I get that tone, he should ask me to clarify what it means and take it from there!
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
Here's how it usually goes...
1. Couple is thinking about marriage and talks it over seriously, deciding that if their parents agree, they will marry.
2. Couple approaches each set of parents and asks for their blessing.
3. If the blessing is given, they go and pick out engagement rings together. (Some couples skip this and only do wedding rings.) If a blessing is not given, they either have to choose to go against their parents, or split. Usually the reason for not giving the blessing has to do with not the male not making enough money or one family not wanting to be associated with the other, and most couples end up splitting.
4. The couple sets a date at a venue if they're going to have a wedding with guests. They rent a dress (in the case of a Western-style wedding ceremony) or rent/buy/borrow a wedding kimono. A coordinator takes care of all the details. There is no WP or wedding colors.
5. The couple fills out their marriage registration sometime before the wedding, since ceremonies are not legally joining.
6. They have the ceremony. Or if there's no ceremony, they might dress up in wedding attire to take professional photos at a studio. These "portrait" weddings are becoming more popular since families are no longer footing the wedding bill and your average wedding here runs about $30,000-$40,000 for Western-style, or $10,000+ for traditional.
Other differences:
How the wedding ceremony/reception goes depends on if it's traditional Japanese or Wesern-style. Western-style weddings are usually conducted in a fake church building with a fake priest, and the reception consists of a meal, drinks, and a bunch of speeches. There's no dancing. Guests are "required" to bring money in amounts of about $100, $300, or $500 depending on their relationship to the couple. Registries are considered tacky and buying a separate gift is often frowned upon if you are a reception guest unless it accompanies a money envelope.
As a "favor" guests are often given wine or something small (if the couple is kind of cheap) or guests get to order something out of a gift catalogue. Usually the catalogue has a bunch of low end electronics and other things of the like.
It's OK to have a tiered reception, too. Guests like this because going to the second or third part after the meal often lowers the amount they're expected to give to the new couple.
Traditional weddings are a little different... there's sake drinking, I believe, and many other rituals that honor the joining of two families.
I think in the U.S., outside of upper class families, most people don't focus too much on the joining of families, but because it was important in DH's culture we had a unity candle ceremony added into our regular ceremony. Everything else we pretty much did the U.S. way, except for having the word spread in favor of receiving monetary and/or small gifts if someone felt they should give. (Not to be greedy, but we didn't want to lug a bunch of stuff we couldn't use back on the plane and honestly we would have been OK with no gifts period.)
@miztumba: wow, those are some very strict rules! I think the cultural differences in the East are very different but it's really interesting to see those differences.
BTW: this is why we stay off the E-board!
My Bio
My fiance is hispanic and I am black. I was born in Canada but grew up in the States. My issue is that it amazes me that his family does not consider themselves a minority. They view most blacks, if not all, in one light and it is not a very good light I might add. Luckily FI doesn't dig the extended family too much so we really only get together for major holidays, Thanksgiving Christmas.
I live in what is considered a diverse city but I find it to be the most racist amongst our own minorities. That is the most ironic thing about it. Then I have his mother, who is the worst. He tries to convince be she is not racist, she hates all other races/nationalities equally. I guess that's my bad, she is not a racist...just a biggot! The last day or so I have been seriously considering elopping just to avoid the drama. Just wondering how to approach him with the idea. Las Vegas is very appealing at the moment.
If it gets to be a big problem I would have your FH deal with it. Afterall if you two plan on having children you don't want her butting in telling you or your FH that you're doing it something wrong because you're not hispanic or some other biggotted remark.
If ya'll do decide that Vegas is best, the Vegas local board is always happy to help out and give a hand.
@mizutamababy: Thanks, I try to be the better person lucky for them they have not gotten a tongue lashing from me thus far. My tongue can be sharper than a two edge sword.
I have lost all energy and interest in planing the wedding and if we don't do vegas we will have a simple park ceremony with the reception at a restaurant. Thanks for the info about the vegas board. I will most definetely check it out.
My former husband was african american but his mother had a thing about foreigners as well - I have dualed citizenship and this was way before we met. She always had a very poor opinion of foreigners for no real reason. She has the thickest West Indian accent mind you - not mine that pops out every now and again. I mean hardcore WI accent - still prejudiced against foreigners. SMH.