I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices

mark&tko · February 2012

I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices. Is it wrong for me to ask my fiance NOT to have this man be so closely involved?

tldh · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-hate-one-of-my-fiances-groomsmen-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d64899cc-da91-469c-9c2a-2d9de387409aPost:6c80afbf-7ab7-40e5-8fad-c4e9e6751af4">I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices</a>:
[QUOTE]I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices. Is it wrong for me to ask my fiance NOT to have this man be so closely involved? Backstory - My fiance and I met at the wedding of our respective best friends. Since then I have had a major falling out with my friend that was due in part to her husband's behavior. We have recently begun talking again and are able to be friendly (but we're no longer on the level of sisters that we once were). My fiance wants to have this husband as one of his groomsmen. First off, I really dislike this man. Secondly, I know feel pressured to have his wife as one of my bridesmaids (even though I was her maid of honor). My sister, mother and 2 bridesmaids are against having her because of the fall out. What do I do?
Posted by mark&tko[/QUOTE]

The first thing you do is not make any decisions on your WP until the end of summer. You aren't getting married until April 2013.

As to those your FI asks to stand up for him, you get absolutely no say in it. You pick your side, he picks his.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-hate-one-of-my-fiances-groomsmen-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d64899cc-da91-469c-9c2a-2d9de387409aPost:6c80afbf-7ab7-40e5-8fad-c4e9e6751af4">I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices</a>:
[QUOTE]I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices. Is it wrong for me to ask my fiance NOT to have this man be so closely involved? Backstory - My fiance and I met at the wedding of our respective best friends. Since then I have had a major falling out with my friend that was due in part to her husband's behavior. We have recently begun talking again and are able to be friendly (but we're no longer on the level of sisters that we once were). My fiance wants to have this husband as one of his groomsmen. First off, I really dislike this man. Secondly, I know feel pressured to have his wife as one of my bridesmaids (even though I was her maid of honor). My sister, mother and 2 bridesmaids are against having her because of the fall out. What do I do?
Posted by mark&tko[/QUOTE]

1. Is it wrong? Yes. You pick your side, he picks his, end of story. Unless the guy assaulted you or something (in which case, why would your FI still be friends with him? That's a whole different problem), you have no say in this. Sorry.

2. You don't have to include both halves of couples in the WP if you don't want to. FI has several married groomsmen, and I didn't include any of their wives on my side because I'm just not close with them (no major problems, they're just not people I'd consider close friends). If you're not close with the GM's wife, for whatever reason, you're under no obligation to include her.

3. Your sister, mom, and two other BMs really have no place in this conversation. Their opinion is irrelevant - your bridal party is your choice, not theirs.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

Everything PP have said.

calliopeia2013 · February 2012

While I agree with PPs that your FI chooses his side, I do not think it would be out of line to talk to him about it. (Mostly because it seems weird to me that your FI would choose someone he knew you hated to stand up for him at your wedding.) I don't mean, like, flat-out telling him that he's not allowed to pick this particular friend. But especially if the friend makes you uncomfortable or you have some reason for disliking him, I don't think it's wrong to talk to him about those reasons.

I had a conversation kind of like this with my FI, where I mentioned to him that I was really uncomfortable around one of the guys he was considering asking because the friend in question was a big fan of sexually harrassing me, and making cruel jokes about some of my friends. Conveniently, the friend later tried to break my FI and me up and my FI realized he was a douchebag and cut off ties with him anyway. But I don't think I was out of line to tell my FI that I felt super uncomfortable around the guy. My FI didn't know until I told him, since much of the harrass-y stuff happened out of his earshot. And my FI would certainly not wanted to have inadvertantly picked a groomsman who skeeved me out just because I wasn't willing to talk to FI about it. Just my two cents, anyway, based on my own experience.

ETA: The stuff about you not wanting the guy's SO as your bridesmaid is irrelevant to all this, though. You don't have to ask her.

ETA2: And if this guy has mistreated you in some way, your FI knows everything about it, and your FI still wants to have the guy in the wedding, then you have a relationship problem, not a wedding party problem.

OBX2011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_i-hate-one-of-my-fiances-groomsmen-choices?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d64899cc-da91-469c-9c2a-2d9de387409aPost:6c80afbf-7ab7-40e5-8fad-c4e9e6751af4">I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices</a>:
[QUOTE]I HATE one of my fiance's groomsmen choices. Is it wrong for me to ask my fiance NOT to have this man be so closely involved?
Posted by mark&tko[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is wrong. You pick your sides and he picks his. Period.

em01092 · February 2012

Unless this guy tried to kill/harm you or is verbally abusive to you, then no. But if that's the case, you have way bigger issues if your FI is still friends with someone like that.

TiffannieF · February 2012

PP are correct. FWIW: DH didn't really like my choices but I just told him "Well it's a good thing they will be in my dressing room and standing next to me!" lol.

graysquirrel · February 2012

I don't think that anyone can really advise you on this without knowing what he did to you. If this person is someone who makes you incredibly uncomfortable and did horrible things to you in the past, I do think I would talk with your FI about it. There is nothing wrong with calmly talking through your feelings and at least reminding him of the problems you had in the past.

However, if this is someone that you just don't like, I think I'd stay out of it. My H had a guy in the WP that I don't always appreciate, but I barely had to talk with him that night. And no, you don't have to include his wife just because he is in the WP.

But I think pp hit the nail on the head when she said to wait if your wedding is in 2013. It is always best to wait if you are up in the air on something. Wait till you are 9 mo out and then see who you are friends with. Maybe your FI will change his mind by then.

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