Paying for Groom's Brothers' Partners' flight to India wedding

Re: Paying for Groom's Brothers' Partners' flight to India wedding

• Maggie0829 member

  

  February 2013

  First, their SOs should be invited no matter what.
  
  Second, it is very nice of your parents to offer to pay for everyone's way but that ins't necessary.  However, I feel that since they offered to pay that they shouldn't renage that offer now because it will seem rude.
  
  I think that since the couples are invited together it would be rude to only offer to pay the way for half of the couple.  It is either all or nothing.  By only offering to pay for the brothers you are basically telling their SO's that you could give two hoots that they attend and are unimportant.

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  February 2013 edited February 2013

  Personally, while expensive I would not be comfortable in paying for the brother's flight and not the SO.    I'm not saying what I would do is correct, just how I feel.  
  
  Your family is being very generous already so I don't think it's wrong not to pay.  I hope they are appreciative of everything your family is doing. Their attitude would help me decide.  If they seem entitled, then I might not.
  
  
  
  ETA - is the flight the most expensive part?  maybe pay for the flights but not the hotel?  Maybe that could help with costs.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  February 2013

  What a conundrum. Two important facts are that the partners will be invited to all events and your parents are exceedingly generous. It is up to your parents to decide when to stop saying yes to your sister's fiance.

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• aRachel21 member

  

  February 2013

  Wow that's really generous of your parents to pay for everything.  Maybe the groom's parents can get their own hotel room, and the grooms brothers can double up and share the room.  That way, your parents aren't really paying for extra hotel rooms for the wife/gf to come.  And then maybe they can offer to pay for a portion of the flight?  If each couple ends up chipping in a few hundred dollars for a trip to India, that's a really good deal.

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• kxt1005

  

  February 2013 edited February 2013

  Thanks for your responses. It's very helpful to think about. I know normally we should pay for the brothers' SOs' flights, but there are a few complicating factors as this is not a traditional wedding, so that is why I am asking.

  
  

  My parents offered to pay for the groom's parents and brothers' flights because the parents and brothers are required to be part of the Hindu wedding ceremonial activities, but they have not offered to pay for the brothers' SOs nor the groom's parents' SOs (they are divorced and dating other people) because they are not part of the "wedding party". So, right now, they are not under the impression that the SOs' flights will be paid for. They were asking about it, and we were not sure if we are supposed to.

  
  

  The India wedding is primarily for our family in India, as it is very expensive for all of them to travel to North America, as it takes time to apply visas and they may be denied visas, and some of our elder relatives are too weak to travel internationally. There will be another wedding in North America that is primarily for the groom's side of the family, because obviously it's too expensive for everyone to pay $2000 each to fly to India and some of his family are too old and weak to travel to India. The brothers' SOs will be able to attend that North American wedding for sure as it takes place in the city we all live in.

  
  

  If we do pay for the brothers and their SOs, the other question is: the brothers were also wondering if their flights can be delayed so they can spend an extra month in India to do sightseeing. Personally I feel weird about this because my sister and her fiance are not even taking a honeymoon or spending extra time in India so that there can be enough money to have two weddings for both families. When we looked into this, because of the dates, this is going to cost an extra $500 per person for the tickets. Are we also supposed to pay for that as well?

  
  

  
  

  ETA - yes, flights are most expensive. hotels and food are not very expensive in india. the brothers will have suits tailored for them, and we will have sarees for the groom's mother and brothers' SOs if they come, and none of this is very expensive in india. so far we have 4 of my family going to india (parents, sister and me) and 5 of his family (parents, groom, 2 brothers). 9 X $2000 return flight = $18,000 for flights alone. not paying for the SOs' flights means saving $4,000 that can go toward having a slightly bigger guest list for the North American wedding so more of the groom's family are invited.

  
  

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• MsYeck member

  

  February 2013

  India ha a very different culture than the USA. How would the brides parents feel about footing the bill on a practice that most Indians frown on (co-habiting)? If they are liberal I could see paying, if they are not I could see not paying. Personally I lean toward inviting them but not paying their way.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  February 2013 edited February 2013

  It's very kind and generous of your parents to pay for the groom's brothers.  That said, yes, you do have to invite the SOs, but I don't think your parents are required to pay their travel bills or finance their vacations.  But it's up to your parents to decide where they're going to draw the money line.

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• [Deleted User]

  

  February 2013

  They should definitely be invited but I also don't think your parents have to pay. While it may seem weird to pay for half of the couple, to me, the airfare is a gift outside of what is required. I would gladly jump at someone paying for FI's flight somewhere - it'd mean we'd only be paying half the cost!

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  February 2013

  Now I understand why your parents are paying for his family -- they are all part of the Hindu ceremony. In that case, my decision would be not to pay for anybody else but those five in the ceremony. If anybody else wants to come as a wedding guest, not as a participant, then they should be invited on their own dime. Same for the brothers wanting to change their flights. It's on their own dime (or rupee).

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  February 2013

  Too late now, but I would have worded it differently.  Instead of saying "we will pay for the brother's flight".   I would have said, "we know it's expensive to fly to India, we would like to contribute up to [insert cost of one round-trip ticket] and [insert whatever else] to help with expenses."   That way it's on them to either come up with the rest of the expenses, decline or just send the brother.         
  
  If we could not afford the other ticket I would send DH to his brother's wedding alone.  Others might not do that, but I would never let DH miss out on this type of an adventure just because we couldn't afford both of us to go.
  
  If they want their ticket changed then they pay for that.   I'm sadden they didn't even offer or ask if there is a price change.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• kxt1005

  

  February 2013

  Thanks! I will pass on your advice to my parents. I like wording it differently and referring to it as a gift or subsidy. 

  
  

  There is no question that the groom's family is invited to the India wedding, but of course, there is a slippery slope when it comes to what costs are covered for them. If we pay for the brothers' SOs, then do we pay for the parents' SOs who are not wedding ceremony participants either? The money line needs to stop somewhere because we also need to pay for the North American wedding, and this decision of paying for the SOs will affect the budget and guest list for the North American wedding. (My parents are not bottomless money pits, so this will affect the other wedding that is primarily for the groom's family.)

  
  

  While my sister's FI has said the brothers may not come without their SOs, my personal opinion is that although they are in a difficult position of having to choose between their SOs and their brother getting married, that they should choose their brother and take part in the ceremonial aspects of the Hindu wedding. My parents aren't liberal, but they are open-minded enough that they are footing the cost of a Christian wedding because it's important to them that their daughter's marriage is recognized by the groom's family and community. They are trying their best to respect and support Christianity, and I think it's important for the groom's parents and brothers to respect and support our religion and take part in the ceremonial aspects so that my sister's marriage can be recognized in our community. I don't know if that makes sense and if you have any experience with interfaith weddings to personally understand what it means if the brothers do not attend and take part in the Hindu ceremony despite the generosity of my parents, just because my parents' generosity is not good enough for them.

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• team3142020 member

  

  February 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-grooms-brothers-partners-flight-to-india-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d5d2a3c-024b-4ac4-b734-38e7903e754bPost:b77b6433-6993-46a4-97a2-a4364647f118">Re: Paying for Groom's Brothers' Partners' flight to India wedding</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thanks for your responses. It's very helpful to think about. I know normally we should pay for the brothers' SOs' flights, but there are a few complicating factors as this is not a traditional wedding, so that is why I am asking. My parents offered to pay for the groom's parents and brothers' flights because the parents and brothers are required to be part of the Hindu wedding ceremonial activities, but they have not offered to pay for the brothers' SOs nor the groom's parents' SOs (they are divorced and dating other people) because they are not part of the "wedding party". So, right now, they are not under the impression that the SOs' flights will be paid for. They were asking about it, and we were not sure if we are supposed to. The India wedding is primarily for our family in India, as it is very expensive for all of them to travel to North America, as it takes time to apply visas and they may be denied visas, and some of our elder relatives are too weak to travel internationally. There will be another wedding in North America that is primarily for the groom's side of the family, because obviously it's too expensive for everyone to pay $2000 each to fly to India and some of his family are too old and weak to travel to India. The brothers' SOs will be able to attend that North American wedding for sure as it takes place in the city we all live in. If we do pay for the brothers and their SOs, the other question is: the brothers were also wondering if their flights can be delayed so they can spend an extra month in India to do sightseeing. Personally I feel weird about this because my sister and her fiance are not even taking a honeymoon or spending extra time in India so that there can be enough money to have two weddings for both families. When we looked into this, because of the dates, this is going to cost an extra $500 per person for the tickets. Are we also supposed to pay for that as well? ETA - yes, flights are most expensive. hotels and food are not very expensive in india. the brothers will have suits tailored for them, and we will have sarees for the groom's mother and brothers' SOs if they come, and none of this is very expensive in india. so far we have 4 of my family going to india (parents, sister and me) and 5 of his family (parents, groom, 2 brothers). 9 X $2000 return flight = $18,000 for flights alone. not paying for the SOs' flights means saving $4,000 that can go toward having a slightly bigger guest list for the North American wedding so more of the groom's family are invited.
  Posted by kxt1005[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Just say no.  Your future BIL is not getting the picture.  The In-Laws want a vacation on your dime and that is NOT okay.  I question the wisdom of the union.  Tell the truth.  It is not feasible for the budget.  If they BIL has family that wants to play, they need to pay.  SERIOUSLY.</div><div>
  </div>

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• team3142020 member

  

  February 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-grooms-brothers-partners-flight-to-india-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d5d2a3c-024b-4ac4-b734-38e7903e754bPost:a4af533f-67c3-4276-8b23-f999f533cc01">Re: Paying for Groom's Brothers' Partners' flight to India wedding</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thanks! I will pass on your advice to my parents. I like wording it differently and referring to it as a gift or subsidy.  There is no question that the groom's family is invited to the India wedding, but of course, there is a slippery slope when it comes to what costs are covered for them. If we pay for the brothers' SOs, then do we pay for the parents' SOs who are not wedding ceremony participants either? The money line needs to stop somewhere because we also need to pay for the North American wedding, and this decision of paying for the SOs will affect the budget and guest list for the North American wedding. (My parents are not bottomless money pits, so this will affect the other wedding that is primarily for the groom's family.) While my sister's FI has said the brothers may not come without their SOs, my personal opinion is that although they are in a difficult position of having to choose between their SOs and their brother getting married, that they should choose their brother and take part in the ceremonial aspects of the Hindu wedding. My parents aren't liberal, but they are open-minded enough that they are footing the cost of a Christian wedding because it's important to them that their daughter's marriage is recognized by the groom's family and community. They are trying their best to respect and support Christianity, and I think it's important for the groom's parents and brothers to respect and support our religion and take part in the ceremonial aspects so that my sister's marriage can be recognized in our community. I don't know if that makes sense and if you have any experience with interfaith weddings to personally understand what it means if the brothers do not attend and take part in the Hindu ceremony despite the generosity of my parents, just because my parents' generosity is not good enough for them.
  Posted by kxt1005[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>As a Christian, I am aghast at the groom's family's greed as you have written it.
  <div>
  <div>I think you should SAY exactly what you have written here.  It is not about the groom's family's partners.  Another option.. Tell them, your family will pay for the Hindu wedding and pay for everyone's (that you mentioned) travel, because the BRIDE is Hindu, you want the brothers, so you will do what it takes.  This should be fine with the groom since he asked a Hindu woman to marry him. And if the groom's family wants the groom to have a CHRISTIAN wedding, they can foot that bill. After all, in the BIBLE the scripture says HE that finds a wife finds a GOOD things AND obtains FAVOR from the Lord.  THEY should be greatful.  </div><div>
  </div><div>You can google the scripture if you like.  And gauge their response.  If his family is this inconsiderate now, what kind of marriage is your sister walking into?  FYI in the Bible, it is clear that the fruits of the spirit (Love, joy, etc. google it.) are found in every religion.  His family does NOT seem to be acting very much like Christians as you have described it.  Pray to the God you serve for guidance.</div><div>
  </div></div></div>

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• rajahmd member

  

  February 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_paying-for-grooms-brothers-partners-flight-to-india-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d5d2a3c-024b-4ac4-b734-38e7903e754bPost:3232340b-bdb9-4a70-8f39-b7d293dce655">Re:Paying for Groom's Brothers' Partners' flight to India wedding</a>:
  [QUOTE]Am I missing something here? I keep seeing all these posts about how greedy the grooms family is, but so far all I've read is that they asked if the flights could be changed and that they want to have their SOs with them. The answer to the flights is obviously no, unless they want to cover the extra cost. Have they already been told this and are pitching a fit or something? Because I don't see an innocent inquiry as greedy. As far as their SOs go, no the parents don't have to pay for them, but the brothers also don't have to go to India. There is nothing greedy about turning down the invitation if they cannot afford to bring their spouses. And as far as the whole "he should choose his brother" line OP dropped, sorry but no. Spouses come first when it's between family and spouse. I would never tell H he couldn't go to his brother's wedding if he wanted to, but I know H well enough that wild horses couldn't drag him on an international trip without me. And I wouldn't call him greedy for that. It's an invitation not a subpoena, even when it's family.
  Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Thank you Stage.  I felt like I was the only one reading it that way.  I feel like we're missing a big chunk of the story.  I also agree thatit's completely up to the brothers whether or not they travel to a country they may have never been to before without their SO's.  I have to wonder if anyone has explained to the groom's family why it's so important for them to be there, or if the bride's family just said "it's important that you're there, so we'll pay for you to be there".  If someone didn't tell them why, they may think it's not that big of a deal.  I also don't see why the bride's family is paying for the second wedding, unless the parents really want to.  It's not their responsibility to pay for either wedding, let alone two (I know there may be some cultural differences here). </div><div>
  </div><div>Lastly, I also have to wonder if they are inviting all of the groom's family that he wants there to the first wedding.  It kinda feels like the Christian wedding is a "We don't think you could afford to come to India, so we're not even inviting you" consolation wedding, which could be viewed as insulting to some of the groom's family. Both weddings are important to each side, so neither one should be viewed as more important than the other.</div>

  

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• lauralaur member

  

  February 2013

  I do not think your parents need to pay for the SOs, they have been more than generous to begin with.
  
  If H was invited to his brother's wedding in India and his travel would be paid for but mine not and we couldn't afford to pay for mine, you can bet he'd be going to India without me. No way would I want him to miss out and if I'm OK with it he'd be happy to go. The only instance where I think he wouldn't go would be if he would be traveling alone, but if other family members of his were making the trip that would be fine.

  Married Bio.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  February 2013

  OP - Stage brings up a good point.     If the brothers don't come because they can't afford to have both of them come your family should not take it personally or as an insult.   People have different views on traveing without their spouse and that should be respected.
  
  Travelling without a spouse is not a big deal to me or my family for that matter.   We do it all the time.   My family has lived in 3 countries and is moving to a 4th.  I've lived in the islands.   And the rest of my siblings do not live near one or both in-laws.   My SIL's parents live in Crotia.   We all have travelled without our spouses for one reason or another.  Seeing our parents  or siblings is sometimes more important than having the spouse attend with us.   
  
  I find that people who have family in other countries (lke yours) feel the same way.  They are more likely to travel without their spouse than people who don't.    It's not a hard fast rule, but it's just what I observe.    We tend to have a "what's the big deal?"  attitude.
  
  Our way of thinking is not the way others might think.     I just ask you to remember that your (and my)  "normal" is not everyone's "normal".   Realize that the groom's family may very well decline and while you can be disappointed,  you really should not be insulted.
  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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