Legitimate Etiquette Question

diabride · August 2012

This I do actually need help with...so all not seeing eye to eye aside.
We are hosting a Happily Ever After-Party for upwards of 200+ after our small ceremony and family reception. In doing so, we have decided to incorporate a warm clothing item drive (gloves, hats, socks) to donate to the non-profit that I work for. We do not want people to feel obligated, but want to word it so it is strongly encouraged. How do you all suggest we go about this?
*I am genuinely asking about this...not trying to stir the pot at all. This is something that I truly believe in and having people donate would absolutely make our wedding day that much more awesome.

HockeyFan4 · August 2012

You don't. Your wedding is not a charity event. If you want to do a drive separate of your nuptials you are more than welcome, but don't tie the two events.

ETA: you really shouldn't have this consolation party for those who weren't special enough to invite to your wedding either.

Lucille04 · August 2012

A lot of people would consider your "after party" to be a tiered reception, which are really rude. You're telling some guests that they weren't good enough for the ceremony or dinner, but hey, come bring a gift afterward. Second, your wedding isn't a charity event or fundraiser. If you want to donate to this group on your own, then go for it. It's rude to ask others to make public displays of charity at an event like this.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

You lost me at "Happily Ever After Party." Really?

EDIT: I'm also laughing at how you are "strongly" suggesting people bring warm clothes for your random wedding reception consolation prize / fund raiser. This is a mess of an idea.

diabride · August 2012

They aren't really tied together. Two separate things. This info will not be included anywhere on wedding invitations only on the "after-party" flyer and facebook invitation. I should also state the venue that is hosting our after-party is well known for doing "charity drives" for special events.

diabride · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:7e906b4c-fc9f-4d7f-be0f-a94062c7ae61">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]A lot of people would consider your "after party" to be a tiered reception, which are really rude. You're telling some guests that they weren't good enough for the ceremony or dinner, but hey, come bring a gift afterward. Second, your wedding isn't a charity event or fundraiser. If you want to donate to this group on your own, then go for it. It's rude to ask others to make public displays of charity at an event like this.
Posted by Lucille04[/QUOTE]

It isn't a tiered reception. It is being respectful to my FI family (who are very Mormon) and still holding true to ourselves who like to party and drink. We will be having our ceremony and reception and hours later an after-party.

Lucille04 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:595a99f3-4745-49ee-b061-a62d8a09c233">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]They aren't really tied together. Two separate things. This info will not be included anywhere on wedding invitations only on the "after-party" flyer and facebook invitation. I should also state the venue that is hosting our after-party is well known for doing "charity drives" for special events.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, you're asking for donations AT your tiered reception. That is by definition the same event. And you just asked about honeymoon registries. So you want people to give you cash AND bring items to donate AND still not host them at the reception. You've certainly got a pair...</div>

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:6fc17b6f-f010-49ed-a5fb-27352bbd1398">Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]This I do actually need help with...so all not seeing eye to eye aside. We are hosting a Happily Ever After-Party for upwards of 200+ after our small ceremony and family reception. In doing so, we have decided to incorporate a warm clothing item drive (gloves, hats, socks) to donate to the non-profit that I work for. We do not want people to feel obligated, but want to word it so it is strongly encouraged. How do you all suggest we go about this? *I am genuinely asking about this...not trying to stir the pot at all. This is something that I truly believe in and having people donate would absolutely make our wedding day that much more awesome.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

No, don't ask people to donate or bring anything, for you or others, to your party. Charitable donations of time, money, and items are personal, and you should not ask people to do this.

Technically, a family-only ceremony plus a huge reception is okay (which I think is not quite what you're doing), but just know that some people get offended when they are not invited to the ceremony.

And you definitely should not create a large registry--HM or otherwise--since you're not having a very large wedding. I think it's fine to have a small registry, since some people will probably want to give a gift, but I'd be pretty put off if I saw a huge registry knowing that most of the guests were not invited to the ceremony.

wrigleyville · August 2012

If they aren't tied together, then why is it called a "Happily Ever After-Party"? You also said having people donate would make your wedding day more awesome. So, yes, they are tied together.

You could host a warm clothing drive at the venue as its own party, not a post-wedding party. Do not relate it to your wedding in any way.

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

Why make your guests do the donating of warm clothes? Why not take the money you get as wedding gifts and make a huge purchase yourself and then donate?

monkeysip · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:dae28047-79c5-4c6e-bef7-c67fb10ce275">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question : It isn't a tiered reception. It is being respectful to my FI family (who are very Mormon) and still holding true to ourselves who like to party and drink. We will be having our ceremony and reception and hours later an after-party.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

Being respectful to FI's mormon family does not have to mean having a tiered reception.

You could have a dry wedding. You could start serving alcohol after dinner, and anyone uncomfortable with it could leave if they wanted. You could have the dry, private ceremony and reception, and then hold a NON-WEDDING-RELATED party days or weeks later to celebrate with the rest of your family/friends.

Either way, don't ask for donations. This is not a charity event, and your guests should not feel burdened with the task of bringing donation items to come celebrate your wedding.

gurrlballa10 · August 2012

So what you're saying is, you want people to fund the events on your honeymoon, and then on top of that bring something else to the reception (because they aren't invited to see the ceremony...ya know, the whole reason there is a reception in the first place)? Do I have that correct?

Snippylynn · August 2012

What? You're not calling people snarky c!nts here too for disagreeing with you? I'm shocked I tell you. Shocked.

jessicabessica · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:5aa7b5bc-8f21-43d4-bdcc-f3269f29b314">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Why make your guests do the donating of warm clothes? Why not take the money you get as wedding gifts and make a huge purchase yourself and then donate?
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

But do not add this as an item on your HM registry!

Seriously, though, you could do what Mrs.B suggested, or you could buy the stuff yourself and find a way to incorporate it into your centerpieces, and then donate all the stuff in your centerpieces. I have seen this done with books and canned food before, and it seems kind of AWish, but if you're set on getting donations from this party, it's better than asking your guests.

diabride · August 2012

The people coming to this party will not have any knowledge of any type of wedding related registries (whatever we decide to do). This is a "now we can be us" lets party and drink.

lyndausvi · August 2012

I'm sure this is going to come across as insensitive, but why do a lot of events have to a fundraising component to them?

We attend a lot of fundraising events throughout the year already. It would be nice to attend a social event that didn't ask me to open up my wallet.

pokepoke27 · August 2012

If you want to hold a charity event to get warm clothes to donate then make that an event. Don't tie it at all to your wedding. At all.

I'm not touching the other stuff.

gurrlballa10 · August 2012

So WTF do you think they will think when they are invited to a reception just hours after the ceremony??? People will be looking for a registry (the ones that aren't offended already), then what do you tell them?

MNVegas · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:6fc17b6f-f010-49ed-a5fb-27352bbd1398">Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]This I do actually need help with...so all not seeing eye to eye aside. We are hosting a Happily Ever After-Party for upwards of 200+ after our small ceremony and family reception. In doing so, we have decided to incorporate a warm clothing item drive (gloves, hats, socks) to donate to the non-profit that I work for. We do not want people to feel obligated, but want to word it so it is strongly encouraged. How do you all suggest we go about this? *I am genuinely asking about this...not trying to stir the pot at all. This is something that I truly believe in and having people donate would absolutely make our wedding day that much more awesome.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

<div>This sounds like another bad idea. While I think it is nice that you want (or want your guests) to do something charitable, a wedding related event is not the time or place.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Girlie1030 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:b20fd77c-76fb-475c-81c8-caa946124ec6">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]The people coming to this party will not have any knowledge of any type of wedding related registries (whatever we decide to do). This is a "now we can be us" lets party and drink.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

So then just throw a regular old non-wedding, non-Happily Ever After (ick) party later on with the theme being "Warm Clothing Drive Before Winter Hits".

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:b20fd77c-76fb-475c-81c8-caa946124ec6">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]The people coming to this party will not have any knowledge of any type of wedding related registries (whatever we decide to do). This is a "now we can be us" lets party and drink.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]
<div>Well if it's really a "let's have a party" party, then why must it be on your wedding night? Have it another time.</div>

Mrs.B6302007 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:5058efb9-7377-4cdd-91b1-66e06196594b">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]What? You're not calling people snarky c!nts here too for disagreeing with you? I'm shocked I tell you. Shocked.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Wha??? I guess there's a thread I've overlooked.</div>

HockeyFan4 · August 2012

I have been invited to one of these "sorry you weren't invited to the wedding and reception, but come party with us now" things before....it was akward. Obviously there were people who were at the event there...and guess what everyone was talking about.

I vowed to never go to one again, if someone else was rude enough to do it.

Also, I don't need the added "feel like an asshole" moment when I have no warm clothes to donate, because I donate all of my stuff to my community throughout the year.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

Guys, the full moon isn't until TOMORROW, wtf is this place going to be like by then?

Snippylynn · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:d7edcba6-4cf0-4272-8a75-ca0ca6d7c2d9">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question : Wha??? I guess there's a thread I've overlooked.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
Check out the honeymoon registry thread below.<div>
</div><div>ETA:Seriously? I could have sworn I saw it last night. Full moon that is.</div>

specialk84 · August 2012

You're going to put your registry information in your invitations, aren't you? You seem either clueless or wilfully ignorant. I'm not sure which is worse.

diabride · August 2012

We are having it the same night because it is Halloween weekend and Dia de los Muertos which is huge where we live and is a pretty big event within our group of friends. Our friends realize that our space is limited in regards to the ceremony. It isn't a big deal to them that they aren't at a ceremony or a reception. We all just wanted to come together and celebrate love and life.

mkrupar · August 2012

OP I read your name as dial-a-bride.

That's about all I have to add to this.

Snippylynn · August 2012

All 200 people on your guest list have told you, in all honesty, that they don't mind their consolation reception?

Special, I'm going for willfully ignorant. Blinded by her- and her wedding's- importance.

gurrlballa10 · August 2012

Then find a different ceremony space. What you're doing is rude. You're on the E board. What was the point of starting this thread, asking how you should go about this, and then fighting your point when we said don't?

specialk84 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legitimate-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ec0b5b8-d7ce-4687-8183-3a6091be0288Post:100fc3a4-662e-41c4-b16f-bde4a36384cd">Re: Legitimate Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having it the same night because it is Halloween weekend and Dia de los Muertos which is huge where we live and is a pretty big event within our group of friends. Our friends realize that our space is limited in regards to the ceremony. It isn't a big deal to them that they aren't at a ceremony or a reception. <strong>We all just wanted to come together and celebrate love</strong> and life.
Posted by diabride[/QUOTE]

<div>You mean the way people do at a wedding?</div>

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