Cash Bar at Rehearsal Dinner-- tacky???

candiware · August 2010

Hi Ladies! My FI's parents have kindly offered to pay for the food at our rehearsal dinner but don't want to pay for alcoholic beverages b/c they are worried that the bill may be unexpectedly high. They want a cash bar/people to pay for their own drinks. I was under the impression- and correct me if I am wrong- that the point of a rehearsal dinner is to say 'thank you' to your guests for being in the weddding and rehearsing with you; so I think asking them to pay would be tacky and unexpected. Also my parents are paying a lot for the rest of the wedding and I think they would be shocked if they went to the rehearsal and had to pay for their own drinks! My FI and I are thinking we will pay for the drinks ourselves (on the credit card!), but don't want to offend his parents. What to do??

SarahPLiz · August 2010

I think it depends on where you are having it. If it is catered at a hall, then I might side eye it. If it is at a restaurant that has its own bar, I don't think it should be an issue because people would have to get up to go to the bar anyway. Maybe you can compromise with them and offer beer and/or wine. That might keep some of the cost down, and still allow you to be hospitable to your guests.

The rehearsal dinner is for thanking your WP for rehearsing with you. It doesn't have to be very fancy or cost a lot. If you are inviting people other than the WP and their dates, it might be stretching your FIL's budget. Try the beer/wine compromise, and see what happens. OR you and your FI can provide beer and wine, which will be cheaper than a full bar.

texgal79 · August 2010

Yes, it's a little bit tacky and unexpected, per your point that you are thanking/honoring the wedding party, your families, any out-of-town guests you are also inviting, etc. On a side rant, for some reason it seems like this happens a lot for rehearsal dinners - groom's parents don't want to pay for things while bride's parents are forking over lots of $$ for the big day. Technically it is a private party, and how many private parties do you go to that make guests pay for drinks? It seems strange that your in-laws aren't thinking about the comfort of your guests and at least offering a few glasses of wine and cold beer. Or maybe they aren't used to drinking. If you make it clear to the FIL that you will be offering least beer/wine (you can also do drink tickets or tell the bar there's a cut-off for the tab) and you are happy to take care of it (even if you are secretly gritting your teeth!), or present them a few different options for "managing" the drinking, perhaps they will be more comfortable with it and agree. A few kegs or cases of beer and wine won't be very expensive.

candiware · August 2010

I know!! I am trying really hard to not be a brat about this but I can't help but be a bit annoyed because my family vs FI's family are so lopsided in the amount that they are contributing (but not lopsided whatsoever in income). My FI can't believe his family is not willing to pay for drinks either. I am guessing they think it is going to be a 'party' when in reality it is just dinner. There is only going to be about 25 people there.

The rehearsal dinner is at an inexpensive Mexican restaurant, so beer and wine is not really an option (everyone is going to order margaritas!).

The cut-off for the bar tab is a good idea. Or would it be better to just limit everyone to two drinks? How would you communicate that to the party?

texgal79 · August 2010

Yeah, these things with the FILs when you have very different expectations and perceptions can be really dicey. At the end of the day, it's their party, so they can decide - but it doesn't mean you can't present them with as much information and options with a big smile in hopes they will change their twisted minds.

And margaritas at an inexpensive Mexican place for 25-30 people is not going to bankrupt anyone. Talk to the restaurant and see if you can estimate prices (# of drinks pp x price), and present to your in-laws. Or ask them if they can put in X dollars towards drinks ($100?) and then you and FI can cover the rest. Once they see the numbers they could cave.
If not, and you and FI can cover the cost, you may just want to suck it up and cover the drinks yourselves so it doesn't annoy you to death. My friend who had this same issue bought what looked like those red raffle tickets at a party store, then wrote "Good for one drink!" in glitter pen and handed 2-3 of them out to folks (either at each of their plate settings or when they arrived, I can't recall.) She hated having to limit people so she tried to make it as festive as possible. It took a little extra organizing with the restaurant, but it worked. If you are all sitting down and there's only 25 or so people, you probably could discreetly set a limit in advance with the manager/waiter and once that is exceeded, the waiter can tell people, "the tab is closed now, but I am happy to take your card... " or something.

texgal79 · August 2010

And PS - most important point that I forgot: If your FI agrees with you on this, let him deal with his parents on it directly and make the case, come to a compromise, etc. They (most likely) care more about his feelings and concerns than yours so it's better if you can stay out of it.

BabyBlueNTexas · August 2010

I dunno ladies-- you might be setting yourself up for a battle that will last past the wedding. You really need to be careful with this one, I think. Yes, it is a little odd that they do not want to provide alcohol, but there may be some other reasons why they don't want to. Your wedding day dinner is supposed to thank the guests, and your wedding party gifts are more than enough thank you for being in the wedding. My FI's are paying for more things than my family is, and I have to respect that they are even chipping in to the cost.

The rehersal dinner is a time to get to know the other side of the family. Often family's did not meet until this night, and it was an informal way to meet before the day of the wedding. They may also want to keep everyone sober and not hungover for the wedding. If they open up the drinks, your bridal party may drink too much and ruin your day.

That being said.. this is going to be something you need to talk to your entire bridal party about. I know if I was told in advance that the drinks would be on me, I would be more than willing to pay. Finding out at the dinner would not be fun. 25 people may not seem like a lot, but when you are buying meals at 10-15 dollars each, and then adding margaritas at 6-8 dollars each.. things add up. Maybe they just can't offer as much as your family.

sheaday · August 2010

I agree with BBNT.

Texgal said: "for some reason it seems like this happens a lot for rehearsal dinners - groom's parents don't want to pay for things while bride's parents are forking over lots of $$ for the big day"

Actually, that's not always the case.

My parents can't contribute much for the wedding (totally fine with us, they have more important things to save their money for) so they're paying for the rehearsal dinner which is traditionally the groom's family's responsibility. My parents aren't drinkers AT ALL. As in, my parents haven't taken a sip of alcohol for 30+yrs- it's just not their thing, they're very religious.

When we talked about the rehearsal dinner, they hadn't even thought about the alcohol part and when we told them the amount an average beer/cocktail runs they were shocked. So we're going to have a cash bar at the rehearsal because I don't feel my parents are obligated to pay for something they don't support. We'll put it on the rehearsal dinner invitation that it's cash bar. Oh well if people don't like it. I don't think it's tacky.

texgal79 · August 2010

I wasn't saying that Candiware needed to have a big confrontation with the FILs that could lead to a permanent rift, but since it seemed clear she and her FI DID want drinks at the RD, and was frustrated by the situation, I was suggesting some different ways to approach it in a positive, respectful fashion (note I said to keep a happy smile on when talking to FILs and make FI handle it!)
I also didn't say it was "always the case" that the groom's FILs didn't want to pony up for stuff, just that I've seen that happening a lot recently, which I have. I was making a very generalistic, snide remark that certainly isn't applicable to all couples, or their parents. Message boards aren't great mediums for writing lengthy caveats and present reams of anecdotes that may or may not apply to everyone's individual situation. I think it's implicitly assumed that while we offer advice and support on these boards (and they are a place for people to have irrational vents and flip out about things that in the normal world would cause a very different reaction), everyone has a unique situation they will be the best judge of. If it came down to someone's parents being morally offended about alcohol and thus needing to be thoughtful about forewarning guests, or someone's FILs just not comfortable paying for something, then it's a no-brainer that of course posters should do what they feel most comfortable with.

BabyBlueNTexas · August 2010

I don't think anyone thought you were being disrespectful at all. There are sides to everything, and you are right.. she needs to hear a difference in thought processes. You are good... no worries.

texgal79 · August 2010

No prob, BBNT! I wasn't worried - but did want to clarify. I can be really disrespectful when it's called for but not this time around.

SarahPLiz · August 2010

texgal, I think it sounds a bit entitled to expect anyone to pay for your wedding and rehearsal dinner, so your little comment about how lopsided it is was uncalled for. If the parents of the bride chose to pay for the wedding and the parents of the groom chose to pay for the rehearsal dinner, then they are each hosting their parts. None of them HAVE to pay for anything. The hosts get to decide what happens at their party. While I think you should offer some sort of drinks to your guests, if they do a cash bar, then it only reflect poorly on the hosts, not you.

You should be grateful that anyone is paying for anything for your wedding. There are tons of us who go it alone. If you want to decide what happens at the rehearsal dinner, then host it yourself.

jedaniel · August 2010

At my brother rehearsal dinner at Texas Land and Cattle a couple of years ago. My dad told the restaurant that he would cover one alcoholic drink per person then the rest is on their own tab. They restaurant helps out with whatever you want to do. He wound up paying for the entire thing because, he was in a good mood I guess.

sheaday · August 2010

I agree with SarahPlz.

texgal79 · August 2010

Once again, just trying to answer OP's concerns. Didn't mean for it to sound entitled. I guess my sarcasm just didn't come across well. To be clear, we're paying for every lick of our fiesta ourselves -- wedding and RD included.

Cash Bar at Rehearsal Dinner-- tacky???

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