A cross-Christian marriage? (Opinions - bit long)

sweetpea0911 · April 2010

CN: I'm Protestant and J is Pentecostal, and some Pentecostal friends of ours are urging us to reconsider going through with the marriage because we worship in different ways and attend different churches. Thoughts?

Long version: I'm a practicing Protestant (Presbyterian) and my fiance, J, is a practicing Pentecostal (Assemblies of God). We've been together for about a year and our very happy.

For awhile, I was attending services with J at the AOG church in our college town. I wasn't getting much out of the service, but I enjoyed meeting the people and spending the time worshipping with J. I met my best friends there, as well as another girl who J and I are now close with. When we got engaged, we asked the couple to be our MOH/BM, and I asked the other girl to be one of my bridesmaids.

Recently, I was asked to attend the Presbyterian church in town, and upon attendance, connected with God in a way I haven't in a long time. I was welcomed and enjoyed myself very much. After speaking to J, I decided (with his blessing) that I would go back to worshipping at a Protestant church, as that's where I felt most comfortable and where I felt a greater connection with God.

Our friends *lost* it. They are unbelieveably upset, and seem to feel as if I am ruining not only my life, but J's. They argued with me about my decision, asking question upon question about future children, career paths, and where we would live based on nothing more than where to worship. When I told them that J agreed to support me in worshipping there, they were even *more* livid.

J is on convention with his church, and yesterday the girls pulled him aside and told him that in service yesterday morning, God had spoken to them and told him to "put off" the marriage until I "came to [my] senses and returned to the AOG church." Guh...what?

J and I have discussed our future and how to handle kids and holidays and how we each feel about our spouse worshipping somewhere else. We agree that it will be difficult, but that we would feel worse about asking one or the other to give up the strength of their relationship to worship with each other. But now, hearing that my MOH and one of my BMs said that....I'm starting to second guess myself.

I know this is something J and I should talk about, and we plan on it when he gets home tomorrow. I guess what I want to know is, how would you feel if you were in my position - if your FI didn't (or doesn't) worship with you on Sundays? Would you continue with the marriage or would you break it off?

Opinions and/or advice would be lovely. =]

jacki_sue · April 2010

This is a tough situation!

I really think it's whatever works best for YOU guys, because really, you worship the same God. And your relationship with Him is your number one priority.

...but speaking for myself,
I don't think I could marry a man that I didn't attend church with. I can't imagine what that would look like. I can't imagine worshipping and serving separately. I like the idea of a united front. How *would* you work out kids and holidays? I never bought it when people are like "Oh, we'll let the kids decide for themselves." I'll tell you what kids will decide - they'll decide not to go at all!! How would you work out tithing?

That's just me, though. This is a very personal decision.

Hope everything works out!
J

tailspin430 · April 2010

I think that this is a very personal issue and decision, and what works for you guys might be different from what works for other people. But honestly, I don't think it is your MOH/BM's place to make you second guess yourself. If they are your close friends, they should see the strength of your relationship and the fact that God has brought you guys together for a reason.

Maybe sometime down the line, when you have kids, you will decide that you want to worship together. At that point, you can search together for a church that speaks to you both. I think it's wonderful that you are each so respectful of the other's faith. And the most important part is that you worship the same God. Trust Him to work within your relationship and your future family.

But that's just my 2 cents

~Taylor

desi2002 · April 2010

If it were ME:

I most likely would break off the engagement. I believe that God wants my husband and I to worship together so that we are on one accord. I believe that God isn't the god of confusion, and that situation would be too confusing for me.

My suggestion is that you pray about it. God has the correct answer for you. HTH!

lleavell · April 2010

That's a really difficult situation.

I think that sharing your faith is a lot more important than sitting next to each other in the pew on Sunday morning. You may be Presbyterian (PCA or PCUSA?) and he may be Pentecostal, but you're both still Christian. You both believe in Christ as Lord and the Bible as God's word. I think that it is really important to share your spiritual life with your fiance/spouse, but that's done through praying and studying together and talking about what you're experiencing in your Christian journey, not necessarily attending the same services.

That said, it is easier to share your faith when you also share a church. My fiance and I are long-distance right now and so we go to different churches, and I do miss going to church with him. Have you possibly considered attending a church with multiple services? If they have a more praise-and-worship service for him and a traditional-style service for you, you could each connect with God and worship in your own way while still being members of the same church community.

Bottom line: I see why your friends may be concerned that going to separate churches could make it difficult to have a Christ-centered relationship, but I think they're going too far. Have faith and pray diligently, truly seek God's will, and He will reveal what is right for you (both individually and as a couple).

DLLadybug · April 2010

I agree with some of the PP. I feel that if you both have discussed it and are happy, then you both can go from there. I don't think it is right of your MOH and BM to tell him that God spoke to them telling him to call the wedding off.

I am a Christian - Evangelical Lutheran. Well, Ryan, he was born into a Catholic family. He doesn't practice Catholocism either. I am not going to force him into going to church if he doesn't want to, and it does not bother me that we have different religous views. Our children, however, will be raised Lutheran.

missrekaeagle · April 2010

Like PP, I think this is a decision you and your fiance have to make to fit your situation.

My parents used to worship at different churches when I was growing up. My mom at a non-denominational one and my dad at a baptist one. I think because they worshipped the same God is why they were fine with it. Of course they visited each other's churches and when I decided to join the baptist church, my mom actually ended up attending the baptist church and joining. You never know what may happen and God works in mysterious ways.

Just pray about it and let God lead you and don't allow anyone else to.

sweetpea0911 · April 2010

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your advice and opinions - it's nice to be able to talk to other Christians about this without feeling like a nigging bit of "pre-guilt" (as most of my other Christian friends ATM attend the Pentecostal church with J).

J and I will be discussing this more in depth tomorrow, but from the bit we've talked about it today, I think we both agree that this is right for us. When children eventually come along, we'll re-evaluate the situation (and who knows, maybe we'll re-evaluate before that). For now, though, we'll do what we're doing and keep praying - after all, you all said the same thing and are all quite right: God moves in mysterious ways and He knows what's best for us.

Thanks again, you girls are wonderful. This board is already a God-send! =]

CourtneyBC · April 2010

I personally believe that God has to be the center of my FH and my relationship, so for us not to worship together on Sunday mornings would be a huge issue for me. The good news is, at least you two are both worshiping the same God. Your style of worship might be different, but ultimately you believe basically the same thing. If I were you, I think I would go forward with the wedding but plan to spend time worshipping together after your regular Sunday morning services. If you know what you plan to do with kids, etc. with regards to your different worship styles, there's no reason not to move forward.

Normally, I would be very against un-asking someone to be in your BP, but if your BP doesn't honestly support you, then they probably aren't even good friends to begin with and certainly aren't going to keep you from going crazy over the next few months. All the negative vibes coming from them will probably make you even crazier than you'll probably already be from all the other stress. I'd sit down with the girls in a neutral, but hopefully private, place and explain to them that you love them and want them to be in your BP, but you don't think it's appropriate for them to be a part of it if they don't support you two. If they're really your friends, they'll stand by you.

wheatney22 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_cross-christian-marriage-opinions-bit-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e3575e5f-893b-4445-9e23-3dd09c261655Post:c395993d-5534-4bd6-bfec-d4804147190f">Re: A cross-Christian marriage? (Opinions - bit long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally believe that God has to be the center of my FH and my relationship, so for us not to worship together on Sunday mornings would be a huge issue for me. The good news is, at least you two are both worshiping the same God. Your style of worship might be different, but ultimately you believe basically the same thing. If I were you, I think I would go forward with the wedding but plan to spend time worshipping together after your regular Sunday morning services. If you know what you plan to do with kids, etc. with regards to your different worship styles, there's no reason not to move forward. Normally, I would be very against un-asking someone to be in your BP, but if your BP doesn't honestly support you, then they probably aren't even good friends to begin with and certainly aren't going to keep you from going crazy over the next few months. All the negative vibes coming from them will probably make you even crazier than you'll probably already be from all the other stress. I'd sit down with the girls in a neutral, but hopefully private, place and explain to them that you love them and want them to be in your BP, but you don't think it's appropriate for them to be a part of it if they don't support you two. If they're really your friends, they'll stand by you.
Posted by CourtneyBC[/QUOTE]

DITTO what Courtney said. I would recommend at least spending time together at home to study the bible. That way, you both feel like you're still worshipping together even if you go to separate Churches.
Personally, I feel that what's important is your individual relationship with God and not if you are both attending the same Church. You can go to the same Church with FI and he could be going just because and have no relationship with God.
Eitherways, pray about it and let the Holy Spirit be your guide.

jrpetrik · April 2010

My fiance and I currently attend different churches. Those different churches, however, are very, very similar. He attends a confessional Presbyterian church (in the PCA) which uses the Westminster Confession of Faith as its doctrinal standard, while my church uses the London Baptist Confession (1689) as our doctrinal standard -- the 1689 was based heavily on the WCF, so in the end, we have different views on one sacrament (baptism) and possibly some ecclesiology. I already attend his church every evening service and join him for a morning service about once a month or so. He comes and visits my people sometimes, too. Once we're married, I'll join his church.

I'd long ago come to the conclusion that while I could marry what we jokingly call a "baby dunker", I couldn't stray any further afield. I simply wouldn't be able to do that. As the wife, I am called to submit to my husband, and that's not what's happening if I were to continue at my current church when we're married. He is the spiritual head, and it would be very wrong of me to keep going to my church when we're married.

Based on what Scripture teaches us about the household, I would definitely advise any couple in a situation like yours to reconsider getting married. For their sake and for the children's sake.

You don't mention which denomination you're in, but if you're PCA, I'd be really surprised if your pastor didn't tell you the same thing. Ditto for if you're OPC. If you're PC(USA), though, I couldn't really begin to guess what he'd say.

katieanne85 · April 2010

My fiance and I worship at both our churches, catholic and evengelical, every sunday. Its the same God, after all, we just hav different upbringings and personal inclinations, but we do feel its important to worship together, this way we both get to worship in the way we prefer, and we are both getting closer to God and maturing in faith, since our churches are so vastly different we learn things we wouldnt have otherwise. IDK if that might work for you, but I personally wouldnt have it any other way, its Fis differences from me that offer me so much oppourtunity for growth towards God, and faith, and both of us want to see the other worship as they want, but at the same time are excited about our faith and wish to share it with eachother!

HAPPY EASTER!

aneresRN · April 2010

Katieanne, my FI and I do the same thing! He is into very traditional and conservative services, while as I like the nondenominational contemporary services. We also feel that it's really important to go to church together as God is the foundation of our relationship. For now, going to both churches is working for us, but in the future we know we are going to need to pick just one, especially when we decide to have kids. After alot of praying we decided that once we're married, we'll attend my church and raise any children there.

Adivce? Pray about it alot. Even if you don't go to the same church, you can always keep God focused in your home and pray together.

katanne9 · April 2010

Ditto to Katieanne. I think it's okay that your worship styles are different. And it's good to hear you've talked about how you will approach the situation when you have children. If it were me, I would also try to attend both services weekly. I think it's very important that you both feel a part of a spiritual community that fits your needs. But I think it's just as important to continue attending church together. I think it will be important that you create a united spiritual relationship (which, to me, includes going to church together. This will be an especially important thing to do for your kids), and it might be a lot more work to be involved in 2 churches, but may be worth it for the spiritual health of your marriage. And you never know, a few years down the road your preferences may slightly change and maybe you can find something in the middle.

aalbrecht68 · April 2010

Wow. I think you need to reconsider your wedding party. What kind of "best friends" would pull your fiance aside and talk about you behind your back. Talk about un-Christian. Call me crazy, but last I checked you are both Christian, love each other, and love God. If you are working out a way to worship that YOU TWO are both comfortable with, and that still keeps God as a big part of your life, then that's what really matters. It's nobody's business but your own. Of course you will have to make some decisions once children are in the picture, but it doesn't sound like either of you are adverse to the others choice in place of worship, or in compromising with each other, which really is what it comes down to. You have every day of your entire lives together--spending an hour or so on Sunday for some personal time with God in a way that enriches your life should not destroy everything you've built together. Best of luck in your decision, and I pray that the Lord sends you some more loyal and considerate friends.

goheels05 · April 2010

I don't think you should break up over this, based on what you are telling us. It sounds to me that the "friends" are the ones who have a big problem with it, whereas your FI is on your side. Have you tried gently suggesting he visit your church one Sunday? I think if he spent some time attending your church and got the chance to see Christians who are open-minded and who don't judge and harass you for your decisions, that a light bulb might go off and he might realize how unhealthy his current church relationship is. I'm not condemning all Evangelicals, but clearly his particular congregation has some cult-like bullying tendencies based on the actions of his "friends."

I went through a similar thing with my FI. We are both Protestant, but about as far apart on the Protestant spectrum as two denominations can be. His congregation growing up was notorious for being closed-minded, judgmental, and un-inviting to anyone who was different. My church was open-minded, forgiving, and welcoming to people of all walks of life. I had a lot of negative opinions about his church, but I kept them to myself because our relationship was still new, and also it's not my place to judge someone else's relationship with Christ.

Not wanting to push my beliefs on him, I suggested that we visit several different churches together--some from my denomination, some from his, and some other ones. He ended up really liking my church. We ended up at a different church, though, one that is new to both of us, and I can tell that he has opened his eyes to a lot of the negativity that was going on at his old church.

Aimee8314 · April 2010

I'm floored by your wedding party's behavior. It seems to me that they are just stirring up trouble. I find it hard to believe that God would speak to them about your relationship and not to you....if that makes sense.

It sounds like you and your FI have talked it out and come to some conclusions and made plans and have really taken the time to consider how this affects each of you and your future. I wouldn't let meddling friends make you second guess that.

Good luck.

kgbomex · April 2010

It breaks my heart to read what Christians are doing. I think often times we are our own worst enemy, and that often times that is the image that many in the world base their opinions on. I just want to clairify somethings, first, you and your soon to be husband are both protestants by the standards of categorization that are given by our country. Both churches denominations fall under that category. They may separate on their own, but in most places around the world they are protestant. I know because as a missionary I work with both denominations on projects and have for almost 10 years. There are many places in the country and world they work together despite the different style of worship, to serve in the body of Christ, because we are one body in Christ. Second, denominations were created by man's understanding of how to intrepret God's word. I am not saying that they are bad, because I believe that God uses the various forms of worship and churches to hit so many hearts and teach and grow them. Because what moves one heart, may seem horrible to another, but that is all in the unique personality that God has given us. So the truth is that you and your fiance are Christians, Christ does not look down and say look, its a person who went to Assemblies or Nazarene or Lutheran or anything else. He looks at your heart. Your personal relationship with him. The problem is that often times humans experience God and start feeling that this is the only way, but we can not limit God by putting him in the box of one church building or pastor. I call it Spiritual Pride, when we start promoting our church, as the only way, because God does not work like that, it is our own understanding. So the truth is you and your FI are christians and can grow together any where that teaches the truth. It is fine to go to separate churches when you are not married. God could use it in preparation to do great things in you before marriage. But after marriage, it would be great if you could come to a compromise where for maybe the first few months you went to different churches in the area together, leven a little outside looking for one that fit both your needs. If you didnt find it, then you can talk about options, but at least try. Because God is powerful and can move anywhere.

WFH · May 2010

I was a babtist first, but when I met my FI, I went over to Pentecostal. And I like it there way more. MY homechurch is almost died out because of the generation problems. They didn't accept youth as they are.
Now, I'm in another church, where I totally feel at home:)

We had almost the same problem, because my old homechurch's pastors wanted my FI to start attending it. I felt like I was put in the middle of a problem, I didn't want to be. My Fi is a youth leader and they wanted to get him there. They even told him to start bringing his offering to my old church. There was too much pressuring:S

That was sad and ruined some of my relationships in my old homechurch:/

I think that a couple should attend a church together:) Maybe there are another churches you could try to attend together:)

and also - PRAY!:)

[Deleted User] · May 2010

Dear Sweetpea,
I think the most important thing is that J approves of your faith: you two evidently share something very special and besides loving each other, you respect each other. God has given you this gift - meditate upon it together and thank God in your prayers for sending J your way.
I myself am Roman Catholic and my fiance is Evangelical Lutheran. Never before have I been more open to God and his gifts than since I met my love. I am lucky, though, since my F is very tolerant and sometimes attends mass with me, and I go to his church when I can, as well. My opinion is, and I hope that it is not too heretical

, is that everyone has a different way of relating to the same God, and that is why there are so many denominations. By the way, this pluralism is just another sign of His magnitude

God is great.
Don't listen too much to what your "friends" say - talk to Him, and talk to J, and you'll get your answer.
I hope that you'll both overcome all obstacles together and that your love will continue to blossom! God bless! T*

A cross-Christian marriage? (Opinions - bit long)

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