Father's girlfriend and wedding photos

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

A friend of mine who just got married has a dilemma. Her father-in-law has a serious girlfriend of two years and he lives with her. My friend and her husband like the girlfriend and invited her to the wedding. The girlfriend and the groom’s mother got along fine at the wedding, but the girlfriend was not included in any wedding photos. She was not invited to the wedding photo shoot. Nor did the photographer did not take any random party or table shots of her. The girlfriend is feeling hurt now. None of the guests took photos of her either—they were apparently wary since the groom’s mother was there. My friend feels bad now.

How could this have been better handled? Photos are tricky and I may have a similar situation on my hands.

lyndausvi · April 2012

I would make it a point to have pictures with and without SO. Give a list to the photographer.

They only take a few minutes to take. You don't have to buy every shot taken, but they are avaiable for those who want them.

MattsPenguin · April 2012

They should have invited the girlfriend to the formal photos (where was she that she just wasn't there with the dad?).

Take some pictures with her and some pictures without.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

She probably should have at least taken a photo of the dad and gf together...but that ship has sailed. Perhaps validate the girlfriend's feelings "I am sorry we did not get any photos of you at the wedding" and then just try to move on.

Sounds like the GF needs to grow up a bit.

ceh789 · April 2012

I think it makes sense to include SO's in a few family shots. If you do a large group shot you can include them and then do another without SO's. Most people are adult enough to understand that they aren't technically family and so won't be included in everything but I think it's nice to include them in something. I would also specifically ask the photog to get couple shots of the family members with their dates during the reception.

I know it's tricky when people are divorced but I feel pretty strongly that it's better to err on the side of inclusiveness.

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

The dad was with her when they called, "Father of the groom wanted at the photos.." She was not asked to come. What should my friend do about the fact that her father-in-law's SO is so hurt by this?

JaxInBlue · April 2012

Ditto PP. My sister's boyfriend was fairly new to the family - but we did both shots with him and shorts without him. It didn't add significantly to picture time.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

If the relationship is serious, you could always do some photos with the parent's SO and some without, the same way you would with anyone who was in a relationship with any family member (like a sibling or something). Example: My brother's been dating the same girl for several years. We'll likely do a batch of photos that include her in the "family" shots, and then some photos that are just my nuclear family, without my brother's g/f.

Also, keep in mind that it's up to the person whose parent it is to make these decisions. My FI's parents are both divorced and in new relationships. FI is opting not to include the new partners in photos for various reasons, and while I don't know that I'd handle his situation the same way, we've talked it through and I trust that he's making the right decision for his family, so I'm going with it.

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

So in your opinion were the bride and groom were at fault? Or the groom's father? Again, they like her and they just didn't really think about it.

julib33 · April 2012

Oiy.
I have no idea. It's sad that she wasn't included. I'll have a hard time with this too.
My FI both have divorced parents and both of our dads remarried. He doesn't like his step mom but I adore her, his mom gets alont ok with his dad's new wife but his mom and dad don't get along.
My mom is fine with my dad but he's akward around her, my mom and step mom get along ok. My dad has met his dad but no one else in his family, my mom has met almost all of them.
Both of our dads have step kids; my step sisters have husbands/families, FI's step siblings are all younger.

I think photos will just be very akward for us, lol.

If anyone can pull these situations off with no akwardness I applaud them!

SarahPLiz · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-girlfriend-and-wedding-photos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a5c84e-2a56-4fa0-8bfe-1c66f34c7945Post:483dcedd-fad6-4daf-b361-47c752a584be">Re: Father's girlfriend and wedding photos</a>:
[QUOTE]The dad was with her when they called, "Father of the groom wanted at the photos.." She was not asked to come. What should my friend do about the fact that her father-in-law's SO is so hurt by this?
Posted by ErinGoHuskies[/QUOTE]
Your friend should apologize for the oversight to both her father and the GF. SOmetimes these things are unintentional. <div>
</div><div>There's not a whole lot you CAN do after the fact. </div>

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-girlfriend-and-wedding-photos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a5c84e-2a56-4fa0-8bfe-1c66f34c7945Post:483dcedd-fad6-4daf-b361-47c752a584be">Re: Father's girlfriend and wedding photos</a>:
[QUOTE]The dad was with her when they called, "Father of the groom wanted at the photos.." She was not asked to come. What should my friend do about the fact that her father-in-law's SO is so hurt by this?
Posted by ErinGoHuskies[/QUOTE]

<div>Who asked her not to come? Did they say "Father of the groom wanted at the photos and FOG's GF stay here?" or was she just not specifically asked to come? If I had been specifically/publicly asked not to go with my BF while photos were done I probably would have been insulted as well whether or not I was actually in the photos.</div><div>
</div><div>Can your friend invite FIL/GF to dinner some time soon and when she gets a minute alone say "I'm so sorry that we didn't think to include you in the photos at the wedding, I feel badly about it but the day just got away from me and I was kind of relying on the photog to coordinate everything." Then leave it alone. If GF continues to be upset then she needs to get over herself.</div>

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

The groom’s father was apparently nervous around his ex-wife as it was a messy divorce. And the groom didn’t say anything. My friend (the bride) feels like she’s the one apologizing when either of them could have said something. Should the girlfriend have gone to the photo shoot when they called her date (groom’s father) to the shoot? From what I understand she was trying to be sensitive and under the radar but she didn’t realize she would be so totally excluded.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I agree that she shouldn't feel the need to be included. She's not married to FIL so it's understandable. However, I do think she does have a reason to have hurt feelings. I personally would include her in at least a couple of shots - because hey, she COULD be his wife one day.

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

I generally think that the groom and his father were both insensitive…my friend is a nice person, she can’t worry about every detail. Her FIL lives in his SO’s house and the SO has to have those wedding photos in the house and she is not in any of them, not even a table snapshot with her live-in partner. I think even I would find that hard. I think as brides we need to be more sensitive to our FIL and MIL and their SOs in general—especially if they are longterm SOs who will be in our lives for a long time!

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

I think it’s the fact that there’s not a single photo of her at all from the wedding—candid or otherwise—that hurts, not that nobody took a candid. Bride and groom can’t control that but they could have handled the photos differently. The FIL's has been with him for several years, was at his side during a very difficult time in his life, and he lives with her. But we brides are busy and human and we make mistakes.

So… a lesson to all of us… to avoid hurt, do as one of the posters above said, “err on the side of inclusiveness.”

Kimmyznc · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-girlfriend-and-wedding-photos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a5c84e-2a56-4fa0-8bfe-1c66f34c7945Post:e8d7aa20-7121-4823-a682-32058cb41d55">Father's girlfriend and wedding photos</a>:
[QUOTE]A friend of mine who just got married has a dilemma. Her father-in-law has a serious girlfriend of two years and he lives with her. My friend and her husband like the girlfriend and invited her to the wedding. The girlfriend and the groom’s mother got along fine at the wedding, but the girlfriend was not included in any wedding photos. She was not invited to the wedding photo shoot. Nor did the photographer did not take any random party or table shots of her. The girlfriend is feeling hurt now. None of the guests took photos of her either—they were apparently wary since the groom’s mother was there. My friend feels bad now. How could this have been better handled? <strong> Photos are tricky and I may have a similar situation on my hands.</strong>
Posted by ErinGoHuskies[/QUOTE]

I am in the same situation and we are going to include FFIL's girlfriend in most pictures. Maybe not all, but most.

kd.joseph · April 2012

My H's daughters photographer specifically asked her if she wanted me in the photos, since we werent married. We had been together for 5 yrs at that point. She said yes and they worked it so that I was in the family pictures with just my H, her and her new H.

And he did the same with her mother and her H.

j-harvey · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-girlfriend-and-wedding-photos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46a5c84e-2a56-4fa0-8bfe-1c66f34c7945Post:e434e498-8bb9-463f-aeb3-4355cd0a5346">Re: Father's girlfriend and wedding photos</a>:
[QUOTE]The groom’s father was apparently nervous around his ex-wife as it was a messy divorce. And the groom didn’t say anything. My friend (the bride) feels like she’s the one apologizing when either of them could have said something. Should the girlfriend have gone to the photo shoot when they called her date (groom’s father) to the shoot? From what I understand she was trying to be sensitive and under the radar but she didn’t realize she would be so totally excluded.
Posted by ErinGoHuskies[/QUOTE]

It's not the bride's responsibility to be sure the father of the groom's girlfriend is in pictures. At some point, the girlfriend or groom's father should have said something discretely to the groom. They certainly were aware of the delicate situation since the girlfriend was acting discretely. Complaining afterwards isn't helpful. So, what could be done in the future? The girlfriend or groom's father before the wedding could have a discussion with the bride/groom about including her in a few photos, because she plans to blend into the background.

ShyDreamer00 · April 2012

We have a similar situation coming up for our wedding-FI's dad has a long-time girlfriend (stepmom to FI basically) of over 10 years, they have just never tied the knot. However, due to the fact that FI's dad cheated on his mom with this woman we have decided to not include her in the formal pictures, but will find a moment to take pictures with them together at the reception. FI's dad and half-brothers from the relationship will take part in the formal pictures as will FI's mom and his half-sisters (FI can't stand the guy his mom married so he will also not be there for formal pictures). Plus FI and his dad have always had a rocky relationship-sometimes not speaking for years.
It sucks that the photos happened like they did, but all you can really do is apologize at this point and let her know that it wasn't deliberate or done to hurt her. Perhaps you can offer to do photos in a photo studio with them to help with the oversight?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2012

It wasn't the girlfriend's responsibility to barge into the photo shoot if she wanted to be in the pictures. It was the careless oversight of the bride and groom that caused these hurt feelings. So yes, it was the fault of the bride and groom. No, they can't change it now, but they can accept responsibility for the fact that they acted in such a thoughtless manner.

My dad's GF is in formal family photos with my dad from our wedding. Hell, I had my brother escort her down the aisle before the rest of the parents. They live together and they've been together longer than my husband and I have. My dad has a picture hanging in his living room from my wedding of me, my husband, my dad, dad's girlfriend, and my brother.

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

Wow msmerymac....you are right. From what I understand the FIL's girlfriend said exactly that--that she didn't want to be barging in to the photo shoot if not asked. She was trying to be respectful and low key but ended up deeply hurt.

The girlfriend is apparently being told to "get over it" by both the FIL (her boyfriend) and the bride and groom. My friend feels bad but thinks it is not her fault--that it is not her problem her groom's parents were divorced, etc. and that she should not have had to worry about it on her big day.

But the hurt feelings are going to linger for a long, long time and this woman lives with her FIL and will probably be married to him someday. I am going to make sure something like that does not happen at my wedding.

ErinGoHuskies · April 2012

Wanted to add the bride and groom went to Christmas at the girlfriend's house and they gave the FIL a formal framed photo of himself, the bride and groom his other kids at the wedding. To me that is kind of rubbing salt in the wound.

It is definitely *our* wedding day as brides. But we do have to think about people and their feelings.

Spending hours selecting a wedding favor for the table... when favors are lost and forgotten soon afterwards...vs. taking five minutes to ask the photog to take a photo of your FIL's live-in SO with whom he is clearly very committed and serious? Photos are around forever. It was very thoughtless and unfeeling IMHO.

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