Moms and Maids

FMIL Dress... overreacting?

Last month, my fiancee's mother asked me what she should wear to the wedding. It hadn't even crossed my mind to assign dress codes since our motto for this wedding is "as long as you're comfortable, we're happy!"  But since she asked, I told her that since my bridesmaids are wearing a blue color, to wear anything but blues (so as not to take any risks and not clash) and I assigned her a deep purple and my mother a burgundy. This is a formal wedding.

Last week I'm at my FMIL's best friend's house and she informs me that a dress was been bought the week before and keeps mentioning how expensive it is. My first emotion was surprise that she bought an "insanely expensive dress" without even showing me first but... whatever.. then I see the picture. It's a short sundress, spaggetti straps with about 6 different colors, prints and shapes on it. Blues, purples (ahh yes there was purple) pinks, blacks.... leopard prints.... first I ask myself how this dress can possibly be expensive and then I look for the hidden camera because surely this is a joke. I tell her she looks great in it, which she does for a sunday brunch but not for her son's wedding. But again, I'm not a very picky bride, I'm just shocked she bought the dress without showing me first or even thinking about my mother since they have to match or at least looks decent next to each other for pictures. So.... how would you react?

Re: FMIL Dress... overreacting?

  • edited December 2011
    Your FMIL is an adult and should be treated as such.  You don't get to dictate or "assign" her a colour to wear.  Sounds like you may not be as laid back as you'd like to think.

    I'd probably compliment her on her choice and be happy for her that she found a dress that she likes.

    It really doesn't matter what she wears, and it's not really important that she match or clash with anyone else.  You won't even notice, I bet. 
  • Belle2BeBelle2Be member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she looks good, I wouldn't worry about it. If she looks REALLY bad, I might have FI say something. I don't really get having her show you first or the matching thing though.
  • IloveOldiesIloveOldies member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she doesn't want to be assigned a color, than she should not have asked to be assigned a color. Once again, SHE is the one that asked ME for what she should wear. If you're going to ask what to wear, then follow your own guidelines!! Like I said she looks good for going out to a brunch, not wedding appropriate. But tha's her deal, as long as she is comfortable that's fine. I was asking how YOU would react.  SHE is the one that wanted to have a color scheme and thought, rightfully so, that the mother of the groom should stand out and have a specific style or color, you probably don't care about what your FMIL wears or colors but she was worried about it. She's the one that insisted on having me approve her outfit, complains constantly about money and my fiancee has to pay her rent sometimes and I didn't want her stressing over buying an expensive dress. It just surprised me that's all.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You react by smiling and telling her you're glad she found a dress she likes. 

    You don't get to "assign" moms a dress.  It's clearly not your style, and not your choice, but so what?  My DD's MIL chose a dress for DD and SIL's wedding that neither she nor I would try on, much less wear.  It was a completely different style and "feel" than DD's dress, the BM dresses, or my dress.

    But her MIL loved it.  And that's really what matters here.  Let this go.  Of the over 800 photos that you'll likely have from your wedding, your FMIL will be in about a dozen.  Of those dozen, perhaps 2 will go in your album, and none will go on your wall.

    Further, If anyone does make comments about her dress choice, it will be reflective of her, not you.  Really, say nothing except that you're happy she can check "get a dress" off of her to-do list.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    OP--I told you how I would react.  I said "I'd probably compliment her on her choice and be happy for her that she found a dress that she likes".

    You are right, I don't care what my FMIL wears, as long as she feels great.  I also don't care what my mother wears.

    ETA:  You asked if you were over-reacting.  I didn't answer that part of your question.  Yes, I think you are.
  • edited December 2011
    The mothers don't have to match or complement each other, the wedding party, the table cloths or any other decor. Unless they are in the wedding party, adults get to choose their own outfits.

    You made some suggestions to FMIL about what might look nice for your wedding, but she found something 'different.' If I were you I would just accept that her style is different from your style and let it go. Just tell her you're glad she found a dress that she loves.

    By the way, I checked my very old wedding album. There is not one picture of the moms together or with the wedding party. We have shots of us with his family, shots of us with my family. There are candid pictures of various family members together, who showed up without coordinating their outfits. They all look like themselves and that makes the album more interesting.

    Really, don't worry about this.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    IlovetheOldies, I think what everyone is trying to share with you is that at the end of the day, your wedding really will be all that you hoped it would be and more.  Don't stress yourself out and try to make everything perfect as it will take away from it for you.  If its really important to you, then I would talk with her, otherwise, I guarantee you you wont even remember 5 years from now.  I wanted my wedding to be perfect - there were special things I wanted here and there and I nearly drove myself nuts trying to do it all.  To show you a glimpse of how out of balance I was....literally 15 minutes before I walked down the aisle I was emptying garbage (crazy!!!!) in the guest bathroom because I was worried someone would forget and I wanted everything "perfect".  I didnt intend to, but I lost track of what was most important even though I had the best of intentions at heart.  Dont do it to yourself, its really not worth it.  Hindsight is 20/20 but if I had it to do all over again, I would have had a glass of wine, a massage, and a great morning by the pool with my girlfriends instead of obsessing about a bunch of little details that at the end of the day really werent as important as I once thought.  Everyone is inspired by different things, if yours is fashion and its really important to you then take her to lunch and chat with her about it -- otherwise just start planning your day before "fun" activities and de-stress - your wedding will be perfect just having you, your fiance, and your closest family and friends all there to celebrate the start of your new life together.  And your mother in law will feel special in her 'dream dress' with her son & her favorite daughter in law as she joins in on the celebration with you all with no insecurities and feeling like a million bucks.  Its a compliment that she is so excited to celebrate with you that she went all out.  Soak it up, enjoy it, and dont sweat the small stuff! :0) 

    Wishing you all that you've always dreamed of and more as you start your new life together,
    Jenny :0)
    www.yourtrendystylist.com
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dress-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:336b31a2-6078-4d47-a469-6150fea5d620Post:3e201ded-d4b7-416a-bbeb-bfad3064a700">Re: FMIL Dress... overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she doesn't want to be assigned a color, than she should not have asked to be assigned a color. Once again, SHE is the one that asked ME for what she should wear. If you're going to ask what to wear, then follow your own guidelines!! Like I said she looks good for going out to a brunch, not wedding appropriate. But tha's her deal, as long as she is comfortable that's fine. I was asking how YOU would react.  SHE is the one that wanted to have a color scheme and thought, rightfully so, that the mother of the groom should stand out and have a specific style or color, you probably don't care about what your FMIL wears or colors but she was worried about it. She's the one that insisted on having me approve her outfit, complains constantly about money and my fiancee has to pay her rent sometimes and I didn't want her stressing over buying an expensive dress. It just surprised me that's all.
    Posted by IloveOldies[/QUOTE]

    First of all, you have a fiance, not a fiancee.  You're the fiancee in the relationship.

    Second:  your initial response to your FMIL should have been the response my adorable DIL gave me when I asked the same question:

    Me:  What do you want me to wear at the wedding?

    DIL:  Whatever you feel beautiful and comfortable in.

    Did I mention that my DIL is wonderful and adorable?
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    Which is what I said to my FMIL too.  :  )
  • edited December 2011
    In my wedding 30 years ago and in my daughters wedding last year, there is not one single picture of the 2 moms together.  It will be fine, I promise.  Now you can put this aside and find something else to worry about!  It's a wedding...there is bound to be something!   Laughing
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    You contradict yourself. You said the dress motto was "as long as you're comfortable, we're happy!"  Later on you said it was a formal wedding. Why would you tell her to wear whatever she is comfortable in if it is a formal wedding.

    The outfit she picked out doesn't sound formal to me. That sounds like the real problem and not the crazy mix of colors.

    Obviously you wanted a big say in what she wore. But you didn't actually tell her that. Another mistake you made.

    Normally I would just say you can't control what your FMIL wears or assign a color to her. But this problem is bigger than this and you caused it.

    At this point, the only thing you could possibly say is that it is not formal enough.
  • edited December 2011
    I think when your FMIL asked what she should wear to the wedding, she wasn't looking for an "assigned" color - but more of a suggestion.

    Saying " I would stay away from blue" is a good suggestion, which was OK to give because she asked.

    I find your post very contradictory because you keep saying "I don't care, I'm not picky", then follow up with things like "I can't believe she bought it w/o showing me first" and "my mom and her won't match" or "That's what she would wear to brunch, not her son's wedding"  That is being picky and overreacting.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Possibly rather than being assigned a color she was asking more about length - knee length, tea length, formal? And about style, dress, sheath with jacket, skirt and top (long or short skirt).   She may have been asking about fabrics such as chiffon, taffeta, silk.  By asking the question she asked she may have been askin how formal her dress needed to be rather than what color you wanted.  When you responded with a color she may have felt the style/formality of dress was truly not important to you but color was.
  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-dress-overreacting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:336b31a2-6078-4d47-a469-6150fea5d620Post:3e201ded-d4b7-416a-bbeb-bfad3064a700">Re: FMIL Dress... overreacting?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she doesn't want to be assigned a color, than she should not have asked to be assigned a color. Once again, SHE is the one that asked ME for what she should wear. If you're going to ask what to wear, then follow your own guidelines!! Like I said she looks good for going out to a brunch, not wedding appropriate. But tha's her deal, as long as she is comfortable that's fine. I was asking how YOU would react.  SHE is the one that wanted to have a color scheme and thought, rightfully so, that the mother of the groom should stand out and have a specific style or color, you probably don't care about what your FMIL wears or colors but she was worried about it. She's the one that insisted on having me approve her outfit, complains constantly about money and my fiancee has to pay her rent sometimes and I didn't want her stressing over buying an expensive dress. It just surprised me that's all.
    Posted by IloveOldies[/QUOTE]

    If you wouldn't have cared what she wore had she not asked, then why on earth would you care now?  She asked for your thoughts, and obviously she changed her mind on whether she felt she needed your approval for what she wore.  Since you never thought she needed your approval in the first place, why not just pretend that original conversation never happened?
    Married 10/2/10
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You can't not care and be totally laid back, then freak out because her dress isn't right.  You don't really get to say, "I'm not picky, but..."  It doesn't work that way.

    FWIW, the mothers from each side aren't really in pictures either with each other or the full WP.  I don't have a single formal shot of the mothers with anyone but their own family.  And as for the candids, well, are you going to make sure all of your guests coordinate with each other, too?
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited December 2011

    It seems like you don't really care about her dress as much as you care about your mom finding a dress to match. Your mother does not need to match!!!!! Traditionally the MOB is supposed to pick her dress first anyways. Have your mother pick whatever dress she wants, in whatever color. When you are taking pictures or walking down the aisle your MOG may fill a little under dressed, or too brightly colored, but it is a dress she loves so she'll be fine. Don't demand that your mother match and take the chance of her not being comfortable. The pictures will be fine. No matchy matchy needed.

    Anniversary
  • amatadeiamatadei member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If it really bothers you, perhaps you could mention something about the formality of the event rather than the fabric/prints... Something along the lines of "That dress will look fabulous on you, but I just wanted to let you know that my mom is going to wear a floor-length dress." If it truly is the dress she wants and she is perfectly aware that it may be perceived as less dressy than the rest of the gang (and you aren't willing to flat out say that you think it's too casual), then I think you are indeed going to have to deal with it. But there is a way to subtly let her know that it could be seen as out-of-place with the rest of the formal affair. It's even better if you can get a buddy in on this to help, so it doesn't seem like you are picking on her choice (buddy as in a friend or even FI... someone that could back up your opinion).

    Be careful, though. You need to pick your battles here. As one of the previous posters/moms mentioned, this is an opportunity for you to look fantastic in your FMIL's eyes by showing her how important her comfort and beauty is in your eyes. But, you speaking up, while a gamble, could also be spun as you caring about her ("I say this only because I want you to look absolutely stunning at our wedding...."). It's the tough love thing that is completely underappreciated (like telling someone they have spinach in their teeth or that they are making a fool of themselves in front of their ex... It's hard to say, you worry they will be offended, but it is done out of a genuine concern for the person and if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd definitely appreciate the heads up).

    By the way, the photos are whatever you want. If you have been dying for a photo of the happy couple with both sets of parents (we're doing it!) or one of you with both moms (doing that, too!), then that's your perogative. The photographer will capture any combination of people your heart desires, so all of these rather catty posts (what is UP with that today? I've read at least three threads where the original poster got torn apart by fellow knotties' bitchy posts... I thought we were here to be a support to one another, ladies!) about how the two moms are never seen in photos together, etc are rather inaccurate. It's what you want. I personally want my moms to be complementary to each other and my bridal party and for that reason, offered to take them out shopping to look for dresses, along with my FSIL so that it was more casual and not so bridezilla "thou shalt wear matching dresses" (that's another idea for you-- offer to have your FMIL go with your mom and you to look for your mom's dress... perhaps something will catch FMIL's eye or she will begin to recognize the desparity between the types of dresses your mom is looking at and her's). But in any case, I personally see where you are coming from with the whole clashing thing in photos. Obviously candids is not something to fret about with clashing, but if you are getting formal portraits done, then you are not alone in wanting the continuity of the photos to not be broken by one person in a crazy-print dress.

    In any case, you need to decide if this is something that is going to bother you and, if it is, you need to cowboy up and do something about it, whether subtly (taking her shopping with your mom, dropping hints, etc) or outright (just telling her you think it is too casual). Otherwise, deep breaths and perhaps nix the whole mommies photo session.
  • edited December 2011
    Thats why you should not have said "as long as you're comfortable, we're happy!" Obviously this is not the case.

    I think since you gave her no directions besides that, then you have no right to be upset about the dress she chose.
  • pokepoke27pokepoke27 member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think everyone has read this post wrong. She did not ask "Am I overreacting?" - she asked "How would you react?"
    It's a simple question which she got flamed for.I think that's a bit unfair. And FMIL did ask what to wear and came back with something completely different. She didn't say that she was upset about it, just that she was suprised. You guys are acting like she grew horns out of her head and started breathing fire!  She may be a little frustrated that the dress doesn't match the formality of the event, but she never said that it was THAT big of a deal.
    And who are ALL of you to say that the mothers don't have to match, hm? How do you know it's not a long standing tradition in one of their families? Just because you've never heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
  • emilyinchileemilyinchile member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The title of the thread asks if she is overreacting. Reading comprehension fail on your part, pokepoke.

    Yes, you are overreacting. And I would just let it go. My FMIL is NOT into fashion and hates shopping. She didn't even buy something for our wedding, instead she borrowed from a friend...and it was black, after having previously asked about colors and having me say "well not white, and maybe not black, but other than that whatever." She also asked me about shoes, and after I suggested something with thin straps similar to a pair she already owned, she ended up wearing clunky black shoes...again, the one thing I'd suggested she avoid just because it would look less formal. But guess what: on my wedding day, I didn't care. She looks happy in the pictures, and that's more important than if she'd been wearing a different outfit.

    Even if your FMIL directly asked what color she should wear, obviously in the end she fell in love with this dress. She understands that it's her son's wedding, and this is what she feels comfortable wearing to that event. I see no reason she would run it by you for your approval since she already knew your preferences. Let it go.
  • edited December 2011
    My boyfriend's mother wore a silk sheath in skin colors and spaghetti straps to her daughter's wedding - in pictures, it looked like she had practically nothing on.  It was totally inappropriate for MOB attire, especially considering the bride was wearing a beautiful dress with full cap sleeves and a conservative neckline.  To be honest, his mom just sort of looked like she was trying to grab attention in all the wrong ways.  Just thinking of it makes me cringe, and looking at the pictures can seriously make me feel physically uncomfortable.

    And if when the time comes for us to get married she wears the same dress, I'll be okay with that.  Yes, it makes me cringe, but I don't have to wear it.  And no one is going to think less of me (or my boyfriend or our wedding) because of what his mother chooses to wear.  I always try to remind myself that there are so many things beyond my control, and it's just not worth worrying about.  If it makes her feel beautiful, then that's great.  You just don't have to frame any pictures with her in them and put them on the matel if that dress bugs you - or just ask the photographer to do some head-shot pictures! Hehe!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards