To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR

Caitlinmmk · May 2012

I don't tend to post very often, but I would really like an outsider's view of this situation.

My FI's family doesn't like me. They have spread drama and lies about me before, but this is so much more hurtful than anything they've done before. They are trying to convince FI that our son is not his. I haven't been with anyone other than FI for the past 6 years and seeing as how our son is 3, there is no way that our son(J) is not his.

FMIL's BF(R) basically lied about a conversation he had with a friend of mine in which he asked her if she thought J was FI's, she said "Absolutely, no question." R told FMIL that my friend had told him that she thought that J was not FI's and was a friend of ours' child and that I had waited to tell Mike I was pregnant until there was no way I could have an abortion. That is completely untrue. I found out I was pregnant when I was 4 months along, but I certainly did not plan anything(I also found out that oral bc doesn't really work for me :P). FSIL has always been a total drama llama and now she is spouting things about "Timing Issues" with my pregnancy, she basically snooped in my house and saw J's ultrasounds on the fridge and thought the date of the ultra sound was J's due date, nevermind that it says 37 weeks right under that and FI and I would have been on different costs if I had gotten pregnant when she now thinks I must have. Now his family is demanding that there is a paternity test. FI took one just to shut them up, but that hasn't stopped his family (FMIL, FSIL, and R) from spreading visious lies about me to their friends and members of FI's extended family. It's incredibly hurtful and the fact that they would use my son like this is horrifying.

I've been pretty much quite about it, trying not to let them see how much this whole thing is hurting me and FI. FI can't believe that people he cares about would lie about something like this and I don't know how much longer I can be quite and act like nothing is wrong.

Should I confront them? Or should I just keep quite until the test comes back?

Thank you, I'm sorry this was so long.

lauralaur · May 2012

Move very, very far away.

Your fi needs to tell them to STFU, like, yesterday. I don't think I would confront them because if they are this bad, what could you really say that would change things? It may only make things worse. They almost sort of sound like the paternity test won't change their behavior either.

Anysunrise · May 2012

That's pretty fvcked up. I'd not say anything, and if I was your FI, I'd wait for the test results, show them, and then never speak to them again.

redheadfsu · May 2012

I know this has to be hard. But honestly EVERY guy should get a DNA test. I understand that it is personal, but I do family law and I would force a DNA test on everyone I know. It isn't about trusting you, it is about how often non-bio dads get signed up for 18 years of supporting kids that are not theirs. If he is the dad the test will show it, so just wait and then they will shut up. And after the results, your FI needs to stand up and tell them to shut up for good.

Bonzo2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:142b7f82-9799-4572-8a04-33d9e223458e">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]That's pretty fvcked up. I'd not say anything, and if I was your FI, I'd wait for the test results, show them, and then never speak to them again.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. In my book, making up stories from thin air about your grandchild's paternity removes your right to have a relationship with said grandchild. You and your FI need to protect yourselves and child against the crazy lies this family will probably never stop spreading.

Good luck!

kimheartsscott · May 2012

In Response to Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR:[QUOTE]That's pretty fvcked up. I'd not say anything, and if I was your FI, I'd wait for the test results, show them, and then never speak to them again. Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I wouldn't even do this. They don't have any right to see the results and I would tell them to fuckright off if they asked to see them.

Anysunrise · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:5ed37f85-9d31-48c9-bfe6-ddc1f3373e6f">Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR: Honestly, I wouldn't even do this. They don't have any right to see the results and I would tell them to fuckright off if they asked to see them.
Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

<div>Solid point. </div>

Bonzo2011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:5ed37f85-9d31-48c9-bfe6-ddc1f3373e6f">Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR:

Honestly, I wouldn't even do this. They don't have any right to see the results and I would tell them to fuckright off if they asked to see them.
Posted by kimheartsscott[/QUOTE]

If the OPs FI told them he was taking the test though, refusing to show the results might justify their suspicions. At this point, depending on what has been said, proving the positive result might be better.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:db020ed5-c1d4-4479-aeb7-095b5a221161">Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To Confront or Not to Confront NWR : If the OPs FI told them he was taking the test though, refusing to show the results might justify their suspicions. At this point, depending on what has been said, proving the positive result might be better.
Posted by Bonzo2011[/QUOTE]

Show them the results.

When families see 99.99% they usually come together and support the child and relationship. They just want to protect your FI's interests. Wouldn't you want to protect your child's interest?

MyUserName1 · May 2012

Really, redhead? You're taking the parent's side? They are slandering her.

Your FI needs to tell them to shut the eff up and be nice to you if they ever want to see him or his child again.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:703a5c24-b2c4-47a8-b0dc-5a6d4cc7dbc2">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]Really, redhead? You're taking the parent's side? They are slandering her. Your FI needs to tell them to shut the eff up and be nice to you if they ever want to see him or his child again.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but I would push a DNA on everyone and anyone that I can/could (including family). I have seen too many guys get $100,000 in debt (that they can never get rid of) for kids that are not theirs. Once you are legally daddy, you owe child support, doesn't matter if you are not actually daddy.

I see it everyday and DNA isn't a bad/slander. We tell mom's everyday "It has nothing to do with you, it is their right"

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:ac7a727a-a048-4473-981a-194231741618">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR : It isn't? I'm sure you see a lot of shiit in court, but if my H ever asked for a paternity test, we'd be done.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

If I ever had a kid (married or not) I would push for DNA, so it was clear from the beginning.

Edit: Maybe it is because I would want to clarify both legal and bio issues before anyone else questioned it. When you DNA an infant, they don't know, but if you DNA a ten year old, they will be mad. Because if we ever divorce and the kid was ten I wouldn't want to put them through that.

MyUserName1 · May 2012

You're being ridiculous, Redhead. her future inlaws are telling people that she cheated on their son. With no proof whatsoever.

I didn't say the DNA test was slander. A test cannot be slanderous, you should know that. Seems like you're twisting my words to suit your message. Lying to others about someone's character and actions is slander, you should know this even though you specialize in family law.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:ff052e33-e7f3-4666-be12-2eed97a17514">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]You're being ridiculous, Redhead. her future inlaws are telling people that she cheated on their son. With no proof whatsoever. I didn't say the DNA test was slander. A test cannot be slanderous, you should know that. Seems like you're twisting my words to suit your message. Lying to others about someone's character and actions is slander, you should know this even though you specialize in family law.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Ok. But you want this to be an issue if they possibly break up and the kid is ten? Why not resolve it now?

i get that most don't understand, but when you see several guys get 100,000 in debt for kids that are not theirs your opinions changes and you would request your brother, cousin, etc get DNA.

MyUserName1 · May 2012

Stop pushing your agenda. How is this helpful or constructive in anyway? This poor girl has the future in laws from hell, and you're justifying their abhorrent behaviour.

Also, it's none of their BUSINESS. It's one thing if two adults elect to make that choice, that is one thing. But his nutso parents are slandering this girl.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:e55b1bdb-f95f-46cf-819d-4fdedb6a39fc">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop pushing your agenda. How is this helpful or constructive in anyway? This poor girl has the future in laws from hell, and you're justifying their abhorrent behaviour. Also, it's none of their BUSINESS. It's one thing if two adults elect to make that choice, that is one thing. But his nutso parents are slandering this girl.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

He took the damn test. So tell her to break up with him, if you are so against DNA. His family isn't the issue. He took the damn test.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

If her FI honestly doubts the paternity of the kid, then yeah, he should ask for a DNA test, but he should also know that it's a relationship-ending move. Asking for a DNA test because of the future in-laws' doubts, without more, is just insanely d*ck and relationship-ending. Could be worth it if the guy has serious doubts, but otherwise come on....

MyUserName1 · May 2012

I'm not against DNA. Stop putting words in my mouth.

I'm against his parents TELLING LIES ABOUT HER TO STRANGERS AND STICKING THEIR NOSES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG

This is like arguing with a brick wall. I'm done debating with someone who ignores every thing I try to say unless they feel they can twist my words to serve their own purpose.

OP, if you didn't peace out already, you should ignore redhead completely. She's apparently got a pet crusade and she's on it like a dog with a bone tonight.

nextrightthing · May 2012

To the OP, your FI is the one who needs to take a stand with them. In my book, behavior like this is certainly grounds for cutting off the relationship entirely. The whole thing is crazy!

As for whether to get a DNA test, I think advising everyone to get a DNA test is silly! If you are married when a child is conceived, the husband is legal father whether or not the child is biologically his (at least in all the states I'm aware of). If you aren't married when the child is conceived, most states will routinely order a DNA test unless the father voluntarily acknowledges paternity.

Also, if guys are legally in debt for 100,000 in child support for kids who aren't theirs, they are still irresponsible for not paying child support they were clearly ordered to pay.

musicalsunlight · May 2012

I think your ILs have problems that stem beyond their doubts about your son's DNA. It sounds like this is an issue they decided to take under their wing as the reason they don't like you, but in reality there are other things going on. Is there a reason you can think of that they would go to such lengths to be terrible like this? Is there something that happened early on that colored their view of you? I'm not justifying their behavior by any means, I'm just wondering what might prompt them to be obsessed like this.

Or they could just be mean spirited twatholes.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:5824b269-24f8-4948-a640-ef83ea62b8d6">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not against DNA. Stop putting words in my mouth. I'm against his parents TELLING LIES ABOUT HER TO STRANGERS AND STICKING THEIR NOSES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG This is like arguing with a brick wall. I'm done debating with someone who ignores every thing I try to say unless they feel they can twist my words to serve their own purpose. OP, if you didn't peace out already, you should ignore redhead completely. She's apparently got a pet crusade and she's on it like a dog with a bone tonight.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Yes, the family should stay out of it, however, he took the test. I was trying to give their point of view. I'm not trying to be a bitch - I have no idea what your point is.

What is your view? (not sarcastic, promise)

ETA: And honestly, you started at me...I didn't mean to cause drama, but you called me out & I was just responding to you since you decide to direct it at me.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:21b96a3a-6cba-4f42-af2f-783b2f613d6a">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]To the OP, your FI is the one who needs to take a stand with them. In my book, behavior like this is certainly grounds for cutting off the relationship entirely. The whole thing is crazy! As for whether to get a DNA test, I think advising everyone to get a DNA test is silly!<strong> If you are married when a child is conceived, the husband is legal father whether or not the child is biologically his (at least in all the states I'm aware of). </strong> If you aren't married when the child is conceived, most states will routinely order a DNA test unless the father voluntarily acknowledges paternity. Also, if guys are legally in debt for 100,000 in child support for kids who aren't theirs, they are still irresponsible for not paying child support they were clearly ordered to pay.
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually, that was red's point. The legal presumption of fatherhood within a marriage is strong. That means if you have actual and serious doubts about being the father you really should get a DNA test right away. Otherwise, after a certain time frame (something as short as like 6 months after the birth in some states) the presumption is irrebuttable. Meaning: even if DNA says with 100% certainty that you're not the dad but you were married to the mom and never bothered to get a test, you're stuck paying child support, etc. until the kid is 18. Period. No matter what.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

redheadfsu · May 2012

Yeah, NOLA got my point. Sorry for starting a storm, I was just trying to explain the other position as moms get very defensive very quickly (and I get that because it is emotional, but when someone asks for DNA they are seen as the bad guy).

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:d954fa53-13ed-419a-8941-379424476d80">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR : This post with your sig just screams sarcastic and condescending. I know it wasn't exactly meant to be that way, but that is how I saw it. I think if a mother or (whomever she is claiming to be the) father want a test done, they should get it. However, he didn't exactly take the test voluntarily, his family pressured him into it. May be splitting hairs for a big fancy lawyer, but for me they are two different things. Her point is that this girl is going through hell right now. Her own child is being used to manipulate the person she loves by evil assholes and some random on the internet is siding with the assholes saying that "everyone should get one."
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Then that is an issue with her FI, not the family. He failed to stand up to them. So it is a FI problem (as we say).

mtbentley · May 2012

If FI came to me one day and said "my family thinks the baby isn't mine so I want to get a paternity test" I would be devestated. I don't know if it would be relationship ending, but that would be a definite possibility depending on how he handeled it.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your husband know the truth, that is the most important thing.

SVPW · May 2012

Redhead, you say now that if you ever have a child, married or not you will push a paternity test?? Really? I think you will think differently if you ever have a child. Especially if you're married.

monkeysip · May 2012

I agree with Redhead that this is a FI problem (although I don't support her emphatic push of paternity tests).

If FI was completely sure that he was the father and completely trusted OP, he should have refused a paternity test. Pressure from his family is not an excuse... if someone is harassing you with slanderous claims, you don't give in and submit yourself to their tests just to prove them wrong.

I also would be devastated if I were to have a baby and FI pushed for a paternity test with no reason to believe that I had cheated.

ETA: I'm really sorry about your situation, OP. I hope you can just distance yourself from this toxic family, and work things out with your FI.

prbright · May 2012

I am so sorry you in-laws are complete arseholes. Although I do agree besides an in-law problem you need to talk with your husband.

If my husband EVER came to me asking for a paternity test I would do a serious double take at our relationship. I don't care if he wanted it or he felt pressured by his family. Your husband should trust you 100% and defend you completely against his families slanders. The fact that he caved makes me wonder if there he really needs to learn how to stand up to his family and defend you, his wife, or if maybe he does have some doubts about the paternity issue.

I feel like there may be a part of this story that we're not getting.

mica178 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:19398ada-5b12-4fcc-9320-dd8f3d30aa27">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so sorry you in-laws are complete arseholes. Although I do agree besides an in-law problem you need to talk with your husband. If my husband EVER came to me asking for a paternity test I would do a serious double take at our relationship. I don't care if he wanted it or he felt pressured by his family. <strong>Your husband should trust you 100% and defend you completely against his families slanders.</strong> <strong>The fact that he caved makes me wonder if there he really needs to learn how to stand up to his family and defend you, his wife, or if maybe he does have some doubts about the paternity issue. <u>I feel like there may be a part of this story that we're not getting</u>.</strong>
Posted by prbright[/QUOTE]

I agree, especially with the bolded, underlined part.

nextrightthing · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-confront-or-not-to-confront-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d199e32-40d3-402d-8546-d7982b7c6031Post:a7dc8205-5acb-4aea-a83c-8566e1baa13c">Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Confront or Not to Confront - NWR : Actually, that was red's point. The legal presumption of fatherhood within a marriage is strong. That means if you have actual and serious doubts about being the father you really should get a DNA test right away. Otherwise, after a certain time frame (something as short as like 6 months after the birth in some states) the presumption is irrebuttable. Meaning: even if DNA says with 100% certainty that you're not the dad but you were married to the mom and never bothered to get a test, you're stuck paying child support, etc. until the kid is 18. Period. No matter what.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Yeah. I know. That's why I didn't understand why red said she would recommend DNA testing to clarify "biological and legal fatherhood."

nextrightthing · May 2012

Can't really think of a reason a family lawyer would push ALL married people to get DNA tests unless they are looking for more divorce clients. Lol. "This is not legal advice."

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