Grrr....

USMCBride90 · January 2012

Alright, so I know I already posted once today, but oh well. So this afternoon I went over to my parents and told them about FI and I setting a date for the wedding. I wanted to tell them in person and be upfront and honest about our plans. Some of you might not remember some of the issues with my family that I posted about awhile back, but long story short, my mom had her little freak out moment and was a little upset after I let them in on our plans tonight. Like she was actually pretty upset. Granted she knows that we're engaged and have been for the last 7 months, so you'd think she would see this day coming in the near future.

One of her issues is that she wants us to live together before we get married, which just isn't in the cards. She wants us to make sure we're "compatible" living together before we make that commitment. Keep in mind:

1. We lived together for about 6 months at his parents house - I know that's a little different than living on our own, but we got to know what life was like being around each other 24/7 and what our habits were, and we did just fine.

2. We've been together for 4 years and have talked about some of the things that may or may not be a challenge after moving back in together and how we'll deal with them if they come up

3. We know each others habits and pet peeves, we know how to compromise and have talked about how we'll handle things like finances, careers, the future, etc.

I know things can sometimes be different than expected when first moving back in together, but I'm confident that we've talked about things and know somewhat what to expect.

Has anyone else gotten this reaction from anyone before? I kind of have the urge to tell my mom to STFU, but I'm gonna keep it classy and be respectful.

tyleet87 · January 2012

Oh wow, sorry you're going through that. I can't imagine my mom ever saying that to me so I can't be much help. I'm from a Catholic family so living together before marraige is a no-go.

It seems to me that after being together for 4 years and living together for 6 months you would pretty much know each other...

Are you sure that is the only reason your mom is freaking out? It seems a little much to me...

USMCBride90 · January 2012

Unfortunately, it's not the only reason she's upset. But that was her main concern. She's really adament on us living together out there before getting married. Her other concerns were based around the fact that she thinks we're rushing to get married. How we're rushing? I'm not sure since it'll be over a year that we've been engaged by the time we get married. She doesn't get to see how we interact since we've been living long distance for so long, and she doesn't get to see how we make it work and are able to stay so close and connected with each other. She doesn't like that we didn't wait until FI came home next to make the decision and tell my family while we're both here together. That's not something I can really control though with this lifestyle. I think she's worried and thinks that we don't know what we're getting into, when that is not the case.

RachelStarfish · January 2012

Wow. That's worse than my parents... only in my situation I haven't lived with him yet, and it's my dad that's freaking out, not my mom. My mom has some concerns, but the main one's would be that we are too young and don't know each other well enough. He's 21, and I am 19, so yea we are kinda young, but it's better than straigh outta highschool. We've been together for 3 years, 2 of which he was in different states, and 8 months overseas. We say we are ready, but daddy doesn't think he is good enough for me. We have the finances, careers, schooling, all of that plus where we will live when he gets out, and daddy doesn't think it's good enough. His family has it's own business, he's gunna start another part to the business. We are basically set, but still it's not enough. Last week i spent at least 5 hours listening to daddy name 20 or so examples of marriages that didn't last. How if i lose my keys, how can I keep up with a husband? listening to him frustrates me and with my FI in another state, sometimes I feel I have nobody to tell any of it to or get advice. Advice from my FI is "Vent to someone you know that is there. How bout a bridesmaid?" You are definitely not rushing this at all. I agree with being classy and being respectful. When it gets to be too much, just vent to someone you know will understand, and more than likely any frustrations will be gone after a while. And when she starts back up again, try to explain it again. I've been explaining for 5 months and I'll continue explaining till 5 years later. I know I've cried many times and honestly each time they rant and go on and try to change my mind, it makes me more determined and I don't even listen anymore. So I guess I'm saying, don't let it get to you. I know it's hard. You can do it. And eventually she will come around. Whether it be next week, or when she sees you walk down the aisle with a smile on your face.

kyrgyzstan · January 2012

I kind of agree with your mom. 4 years is a long time, sure, but 4 years when you're being supported by your parents isn't the same as 4 years living together as adults, dealing with adult challenges. It just isn't. Try and see it from your mon's perspective, she loves you and wants you to make a careful decision. My advice is to let him stay in the barracks (they're not that bad if he follows the rules), you move out there, rent a room or a studio, and keep being engaged. Get a job, go to school, whatever. But I am Team Mom in this, and it's because of past experience. I've seen relationships fall apart so many times with stories/timelines very similar to yours.

Sammy0709 · January 2012

I'm on Team Stan. Rachel: As far as the advice from your FI about talking to people "who understand" is pretty poor and almost childish. If we didn't know the thoughts, opinions, and perspectives of others then we wouldn't get very far and we would make many more mistakes in life. It may be more fun to speak to someone who will commiserate with you but who's to say you didn't need to hear the advice that stung a little bit? You need a good balance of both kinds of people. If I sat around with people who hated my most recent boss as much as I did all the time I would not have survived my year at that job.

ggirl2001 · January 2012

Ditto Stan and Sammy. I understand being upset, but sometimes people tell us advice that we NEED to hear, not what we WANT to hear. I'm going to guess that both sets of parents are upset about the age and that is an extremely valid point. Your parents probably DO know what they are talking about. People change a lot from 19 to 25, and all the parents are saying is to be aware of that.

And I've said it before and I'll say it again, no harm can come from waiting, but a lot of harm can come from rushing. I'd rather wait and get married at 25, then rush and be divorced by 25.

USMCBride90 · January 2012

Stan/Sammy - I get what you're saying, and it makes sense. However, I've been living on my own for the past 2 years. I am completely financially independent and have been supporting myself for quite awhile now. I don't rely on my parents for anything. I pay my own bills, have a full time job, have a degree, pay my own rent, etc. Aside from the 6 months that we lived together, FI lived on his own for awhile before we moved into his parents house. He has since been living in the barracks for almost 3 years. While I do see your point of view, I feel pretty confident that we've had enough individual life experience and can merge our lives together again.

calindi · January 2012

I mean, I guess it's up to you. If my parents really didn't want me to get married, I'd have to question why and really take a hard look at the situation because I know they really want what's best for me and are pretty awesome people. I value their opinion greatly and know they have a lot more life experience than me.

That said, not everyone has that relationship and trust with their parents. Why do you think she's so set against you getting married? It sounds like she's throwing every excuse in the book at you, and sure a lot of them could be valid, but that's an awful lot of concerns for a couple who is financially independent, has been together 4 years, and has lived together for 6 months. I'd say 4 years is a decent amount of time, and while there's definitely more you could learn about each other by living together, I'd say it's not necessarily a make-or-break. There are tons of couples who don't live together at all before they get married and manage just fine. Is it a bigger adjustment? Yep, but not insurmountable, especially if you've been together 4 years.

So your choice is to try to convince your Mom, or just ignore her and send her an invitation when the time comes. If/when she says anything against you getting married, just be confident in your decision: "Mom, I know you disagree with our choice, but it's OUR choice, and we're getting married on X day. I truly hope you'll be able to support us and be there, but if you can't, you'll be missed."

LuluP82 · January 2012

I don't know your story, but from some of the comments it seems like you might be on the younger side. If that's the case, I'd say that's probably your mom's real concern. I'm assuming here your mom isn't a psycho and you have a good relationship with your parents. If that's the case, then I'd listen to her, because she is looking out for your best interests.

Agree with GG-- I'd rather wait and be married than rush and be divorced. Marriage is hard-- I met my H when I was 24, and we were together for 4+ years before we got married. 2 of those years we lived together, other than for his 10 weeks at OCS. Marriage was still an adjustment for us. I was with my college boyfriend for 4 years of college. I supported myself through most of college, and lived on my own. Had we gotten married right after college, we'd for sure be divorced.

Why not move out wherever he's stationed for awhile? You can still keep planning your wedding. Assuming you're moving when you're married, so I don't see what the difference is. Find a job and rent an apartment, go from there.

Granted, I see/hear of so many 19, 20, 21, 24 year old divorcees that I'm super conservative about this stuff. I'm interviewing babysitters right now and it breaks my heart that these young girls have so much baggage, already. I actually would support a rule that prevented anyone who was young enough to have to live in the barracks if unmarried from getting married without jumping through a whole lot of hoops.

Grrr....

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