Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

[Deleted User] · July 2014

We had been dating for about a year and living together for 6 months when we made the decision to marry. His grad student visa was set to expire in half-a-year and we thought it would keep him in the country [it didn't and we moved abroad together]. We decided to get married so we could continue dating without a long-distance relationship. It's a bit backwards, but we got married so we could figure out if we wanted to get married "all the way" publicly some day. We wrote our own vows to convey commitment without the "forever" part - like a trial marriage - and eloped in Central Park with our parents' blessing. Our marriage is what we wanted it to be.

Our parents know, but almost no one else among our friends and family knows our story. A year after we were married, he proposed to me and now we're planning the wedding so we can make all the vows and have our family bear witness. Everyone thinks we're just engaged. We joke that we could hire an actor for an officiant since the paperwork is done.

The thing is, now I want to come clean before the wedding. We didn't want to tell anyone we were legally married until we were sure we wanted to be married forever. We wanted space to figure that out without everyone knowing or the social pressure of staying together (he comes from a country where divorce is still uncommon). And we just wanted to stay together; I didn't know then that I'd be able to go abroad and still stay in my grad program.

Now, I think I want it to be clear to the guests that it's a reaffirmation of love and a strengthening of vows. Fiance thinks it will just weird people out and offend them at this point. Perhaps they will be mad/shocked and maybe confused about why we want to have full wedding. He wants to tell them AFTER the wedding. I think people will attend and still care about the traditional wedding, but there's concern that it will be perceived as "less real" (ugh, why do I care what they think) and that we're perpetuating our lie.

I was thinking maybe having a little "Boy met Girl" story on the invitation to explain the situation? Maybe hire the same officiant who married us the first time (who was amazing) and let him explain at the wedding in a nice way our unique story? Or should I just bite the bullet/my tongue and not tell until afterwards?

I'd love suggestions on this.

CMGragain · July 2014

rainmayfall said:

We had been dating for about a year and living together for 6 months when we made the decision to marry. His grad student visa was set to expire in half-a-year and we thought it would keep him in the country [it didn't and we moved abroad together]. We decided to get married so we could continue dating without a long-distance relationship. It's a bit backwards, but we got married so we could figure out if we wanted to get married "all the way" publicly some day. We wrote our own vows to convey commitment without the "forever" part - like a trial marriage - and eloped in Central Park with our parents' blessing. Our marriage is what we wanted it to be.

Our parents know, but almost no one else among our friends and family knows our story. A year after we were married, he proposed to me and now we're planning the wedding so we can make all the vows and have our family bear witness. Everyone thinks we're just engaged. We joke that we could hire an actor for an officiant since the paperwork is done.

The thing is, now I want to come clean before the wedding. We didn't want to tell anyone we were legally married until we were sure we wanted to be married forever. We wanted space to figure that out without everyone knowing or the social pressure of staying together (he comes from a country where divorce is still uncommon). And we just wanted to stay together; I didn't know then that I'd be able to go abroad and still stay in my grad program.

Now, I think I want it to be clear to the guests that it's a reaffirmation of love and a strengthening of vows. Fiance thinks it will just weird people out and offend them at this point. Perhaps they will be mad/shocked and maybe confused about why we want to have full wedding. He wants to tell them AFTER the wedding. I think people will attend and still care about the traditional wedding, but there's concern that it will be perceived as "less real" (ugh, why do I care what they think) and that we're perpetuating our lie.

I was thinking maybe having a little "Boy met Girl" story on the invitation to explain the situation? Maybe hire the same officiant who married us the first time (who was amazing) and let him explain at the wedding in a nice way our unique story? Or should I just bite the bullet/my tongue and not tell until afterwards?

I'd love suggestions on this.

Is this a joke?
You are a married couple. You cannot have a wedding. You have been lying to friends and relatives. Lying is always a bad idea.
Cancel your fake wedding plans and send out marriage announcements immediately! You will anger some people because you have lied to them, but they won't be nearly as angry as they would be if you wasted their time with a phoney wedding. This is very offensive to many people! There IS no such thing as a trial marriage!

Married people cannot have weddings. A vow renewal may be possible, but not a wedding. Meanwhile, stop lying to people and wait for the shit to blow over.

PS. The US Federal government takes a very dim view of paper marriages for immigration purposes. You may find yourself in legal trouble.

doeydo · July 2014

I think you need to read this post: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

CMGragain · July 2014

Please, somebody tell me this is a troll. I hope this is MUD!

MairePoppy · July 2014

rainmayfall said:

We had been dating for about a year and living together for 6 months when we made the decision to marry. His grad student visa was set to expire in half-a-year and we thought it would keep him in the country [it didn't and we moved abroad together]. We decided to get married so we could continue dating without a long-distance relationship. It's a bit backwards, but we got married so we could figure out if we wanted to get married "all the way" publicly some day. We wrote our own vows to convey commitment without the "forever" part - like a trial marriage - and eloped in Central Park with our parents' blessing. Our marriage is what we wanted it to be.

Our parents know, but almost no one else among our friends and family knows our story. A year after we were married, he proposed to me and now we're planning the wedding so we can make all the vows and have our family bear witness. Everyone thinks we're just engaged. We joke that we could hire an actor for an officiant since the paperwork is done.

The thing is, now I want to come clean before the wedding. We didn't want to tell anyone we were legally married until we were sure we wanted to be married forever. We wanted space to figure that out without everyone knowing or the social pressure of staying together (he comes from a country where divorce is still uncommon). And we just wanted to stay together; I didn't know then that I'd be able to go abroad and still stay in my grad program.

Now, I think I want it to be clear to the guests that it's a reaffirmation of love and a strengthening of vows. Fiance thinks it will just weird people out and offend them at this point. Perhaps they will be mad/shocked and maybe confused about why we want to have full wedding. He wants to tell them AFTER the wedding. I think people will attend and still care about the traditional wedding, but there's concern that it will be perceived as "less real" (ugh, why do I care what they think) and that we're perpetuating our lie.

I was thinking maybe having a little "Boy met Girl" story on the invitation to explain the situation? Maybe hire the same officiant who married us the first time (who was amazing) and let him explain at the wedding in a nice way our unique story? Or should I just bite the bullet/my tongue and not tell until afterwards?

I'd love suggestions on this.

My suggestion: Accept the fact that the ceremony you had two years ago was your real marriage ceremony. A cute little Boy meets Girl story is insulting to your guests intelligence. It would also be offensive to lie about it, as your husband (he's not your fiance) is suggesting.

mysticl · July 2014

So you basically set out to defraud the United States Government and it backfired? You obviously didn't do your research because if you had you would have known that there are a lot of hoops to jump through for an American to marry a foreigner.

I think a lot of friends and family are going to be angry to find out that you have been lying to them all along. And yes your "wedding" would be perceived as not real because you are already married.

lyndausvi · July 2014

I'm glad you want to come clean now. How do yo go about that? I wish I knew.

Good luck. I'm sure you are going to have a few hurt feelings over this, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I would leave out the "trail marriage" party though. That is pretty side-eye-worthy.

AddieCake · July 2014

You got married so you could see if you wanted to get married "all the way" SOMEDAY? As opposed to only a little bit married at the time? FFS. And your story is not "unique." People get married to stay in the country, get stationed together, get benefits, etc all the time.

slothiegal · July 2014

"Trial marriage"?!? I can fucking not even.

ETA: You are right, FI is wrong. You need to tell people immediately. I don't know the best way to word it, but do not tell them after your "wedding".

CMGragain · July 2014

Wife's Full Maiden Name
and
Husband's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date of legal marriage (two years ago!)
City, State or Country (no zip)

Send this to everyone.

STARMOON44 · July 2014

Don't. Invite all of your friends and family to a party. Partway through, clink your glasses for a toast and announce that you are married. And call it a day. No ceremony, no long white dress, no bridesmaids, no fuss. Just a great party with people you love.

CMGragain · July 2014

OP, you need to read this:

If you are considering a fake, or sham, marriage as a means of getting U.S. lawful permanent residence (a green card), you probably already know that what you are planning is illegal. This website is not going to give you any special tips on making a fraudulent marriage look real. However, we will explain what constitutes a real marriage under U.S. immigration law, and outline the risks of entering into a fake marriage.

A sham marriage is one that is entered into in order to get around the U.S. immigration laws. For a marriage to be valid under the law, it is not enough that the couple had a real marriage ceremony and got all the right governmental stamps on their marriage certificate. They have to intend to live in a real marital relationship, namely to establish a life together, following the marriage ceremony -- and prove their intention through their actions. If the couple doesn’t intend to establish a life together, their marriage is a sham.

Any individual who knowingly enters into a marriage for the purpose of evading any provision of the immigration laws shall be imprisoned for not more than 5 years, or fined not more than $250,000, or both (I.N.A. § 275(c); 8 U.S.C. § 1325(c)).

Viczaesar · July 2014

Of I found out that you had been married for 2 years already and lied to me and everyone but your parents about being married, I would be angry and hurt regardless of whether you told me before or after your PPD, but I'd rather you told me before so that I could make an informed decision on whether or not to attend your make-believe ceremony. I do not suggest you compound lies by pretending your vow renewal is a wedding ceremony on top of lying for the last two years about being married.

mrs4everhart · July 2014

Nope. I'm calling BS on this, right here, right now. I'm not saying weird, wacky, wild weddings of all kinds aren't happening, all the time, every day the world over. And I'd probably stick up for 98.9% of them. But this MUD is so amazingly full of buzzwords and hot button topics it's like a checklist of things that're sure to piss y'all off was used just as sure as god made little green apples. I could put money on what was said to piss off whom, I just don't know anyone who would understand the bet.

But OP, if you're really legit here's all I know: every bit of advice I've ever heard or read on the subject of unburdening oneself of a lie is that one shouldn't in many cases. Not because the lied to don't deserve the truth but because the liars don't deserve the relief they seek. You walk away feeling better for having gotten your perceived wrong doing (plural "you") off your chest while you leave the confessed to needlessly upset. Do what you feel you need to, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

Liatris2010 · July 2014

Viczaesar said:

Of I found out that you had been married for 2 years already and lied to me and everyone but your parents about being married, I would be angry and hurt regardless of whether you told me before or after your PPD, but I'd rather you told me before so that I could make an informed decision on whether or not to attend your make-believe ceremony. I do not suggest you compound lies by pretending your vow renewal is a wedding ceremony on top of lying for the last two years about being married.

This.

mysticl · July 2014

STBMrsEverhart said:

Nope. I'm calling BS on this, right here, right now. I'm not saying weird, wacky, wild weddings of all kinds aren't happening, all the time, every day the world over. And I'd probably stick up for 98.9% of them. But this MUD is so amazingly full of buzzwords and hot button topics it's like a checklist of things that're sure to piss y'all off was used just as sure as god made little green apples. I could put money on what was said to piss off whom, I just don't know anyone who would understand the bet. But OP, if you're really legit here's all I know: every bit of advice I've ever heard or read on the subject of unburdening oneself of a lie is that one shouldn't in many cases. Not because the lied to don't deserve the truth but because the liars don't deserve the relief they seek. You walk away feeling better for having gotten your perceived wrong doing (plural "you") off your chest while you leave the confessed to needlessly upset. Do what you feel you need to, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

So they should continue to lie to everyone for all eternity? Here's what I know. The truth comes out. And when it does it comes out in a big way. And then everyone is way more hurt than they would have been.

Jells2dot0 · July 2014

I like the following points:
(if this is even real...)

1) send out the marriage announcements ASAP
2) still continue on your plans, but for a PARTY, not a wedding
3) when inviting people to your PARTY, be sure the invitations say it's a celebration of your marriage, NOT your actual marriage
4) don't even attempt to do anything wedding-related- big gown, BMs, tosses, pre-wedding parties
5) At the party, eat, drink, dance, and give a nice speech saying how wonderful it is to be married and how you are happy to have found your forever partner.

offensivekitten2 · July 2014

There's really no way of hiding something this rude. That's like asking how to fart in someone's face and have them smile about it and be excited.

You're being rude so you can stroke your own ego and vanity. There's no mitigating that.

ShallowSeas · July 2014

First off, stop calling him your "FI". You're MARRIED, just as married as anyone who had a JOP wedding or a 200 guest wedding. You can't get re-married or have another wedding and its incredibly rude if you do.

traditionallyuntraditional · July 2014

Well if this is real and it was a trial marriage why not just get divorced then have your "all the way" married wedding for everyone to see?! I wish there was a sarcasm font...

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Don't have a fake ceremony. If you insist, wear a white cocktail dress. Have a party to celebrate that you've been married for two years. Feed people. Dance. Drink. That's it.

princessleia22 · July 2014

I think you need to send everyone wedding announcement ASAP, stating that you were married in a private ceremony 2 years ago. If you want to recommit yourselves and invite everyone to join you in that celebration, have a vow renewal. I think you can do both of these (announcement & vow renewal invite) in one mailing also.

[Wife's Full Maiden Name]

and

[Husband's Full Name]

would like to announce

their marriage in a private ceremony

in New York, NY

on

[Date of legal marriage]

And would like to invite you to share

in a vow renewal celebration

as they publicly reaffirm their commitment to each other

[Renewal Date]

[Renewal Location]

Yes, people will likely be hurt that you have been lying to them for two years... and they have every right to be. And people will be upset that you value the act of marriage so little as to think you can do a "trial marriage" or be "married" without making a lifetime commitment. There's no way around that. If you keep it secret until after, people will be upset that they attended a sham wedding. People will be upset either way, but they will be less upset if you tell them the truth up front instead of adding to the lie with a not-real wedding. Just get it out there and call this what it is... a recommitment or vow renewal ceremony. If someone sent me an invite for that, I'd be shocked and probably hurt at first, but I'd get over it quickly and happily attend their renewal.

jacques27 · July 2014

I think the most offensive part about this for me is that two people who are allegedly smart enough to get into a grad program and have presumably had to do a research paper before couldn't figure out how to do a few hours worth of research to find out whether marrying someone automatically lets them stay in the country before entering a sham marriage.

Yeah...no, there's no good or cute way to tell people you're a liar who intended to defraud the government because it was too hard to just skype for awhile and you weren't smart enough to do some research. You just tell them and let the chips fall where they may - you don't continue to be a liar by letting people come to your second sham "wedding"/actually a vow renewal.

loveislouder · August 2014

rainmayfall said:

We had been dating for about a year and living together for 6 months when we made the decision to marry. His grad student visa was set to expire in half-a-year and we thought it would keep him in the country [it didn't and we moved abroad together]. We decided to get married so we could continue dating without a long-distance relationship. It's a bit backwards, but we got married so we could figure out if we wanted to get married "all the way" publicly some day. We wrote our own vows to convey commitment without the "forever" part - like a trial marriage - and eloped in Central Park with our parents' blessing. Our marriage is what we wanted it to be.

SIB

Let me introduce you to the concept of dating - it's where people get together and figure out if they want to get married "All the way" with the "forever" part. It's a genius concept. People have been doing it for years This way, if it doesn't work out, you don't need a divorce.

ETA: Tried getting out of the box. Still stuck. Send help. And Cookies.

Marzipan13 · August 2014

rainmayfall said:

We had been dating for about a year and living together for 6 months when we made the decision to marry. His grad student visa was set to expire in half-a-year and we thought it would keep him in the country [it didn't and we moved abroad together]. We decided to get married so we could continue dating without a long-distance relationship. It's a bit backwards, but we got married so we could figure out if we wanted to get married "all the way" publicly some day. We wrote our own vows to convey commitment without the "forever" part - like a trial marriage - and eloped in Central Park with our parents' blessing. Our marriage is what we wanted it to be.

What makes you think you're going to treat your redux marriage more seriously than your actual marriage? If it is what you wanted it to be, why are you hiding it from everyone?

ETA: words.

m00se5 · August 2014

You people are all straight up mean.

That being said. I don't think its right to have a full wedding and invite people who are most likely going to give you gifts and money. You should probably scratch it, tell your closest friends and family and throw a smaller party. Wedding announcement party. 2 years is a very long time not to tell people. Not to mention it was illegal. I have a friend who did this actually. I totally disagreed with it but she did it and had a real wedding like a year after the legal marriage and it was fine BUT everyone already knew.

Maggie0829 · August 2014

m00se5 said:

You people are all straight up mean.
That being said. I don't think its right to have a full wedding and invite people who are most likely going to give you gifts and money. You should probably scratch it, tell your closest friends and family and throw a smaller party. Wedding announcement party. 2 years is a very long time not to tell people. Not to mention it was illegal. I have a friend who did this actually. I totally disagreed with it but she did it and had a real wedding like a year after the legal marriage and it was fine BUT everyone already knew.

No, they are being straight up honest. Not the same thing as being straight up mean.

manateehugger · August 2014

Maggie0829 said:

m00se5 said:

You people are all straight up mean.
That being said. I don't think its right to have a full wedding and invite people who are most likely going to give you gifts and money. You should probably scratch it, tell your closest friends and family and throw a smaller party. Wedding announcement party. 2 years is a very long time not to tell people. Not to mention it was illegal. I have a friend who did this actually. I totally disagreed with it but she did it and had a real wedding like a year after the legal marriage and it was fine BUT everyone already knew.

No, they are being straight up honest. Not the same thing as being straight up mean.

And if we're mean, think of what the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service would do if they caught wind of this.

m00se5 · August 2014

I see you all decided to stop at the first sentence. I didn't say it was ok.

First time in this community. Had no idea it would be exactly how I picture sorority houses.

antibride2013 · August 2014

I posted this on the PPD thread over on the E board-but I had to share this story on here too....

We had a funeral not too long ago for a family member. We found out that 2 different cousins actually picked the same day for their weddings ( poor Hubby's family doesn't know how to communicate). Well I thought I remembered reading that one of the cousins marriage certificate was filed at least 10 months prior. So when I got home I looked it up and sure enough cousin #1 was already married, didn't tell anyone and she was having a PPD. Well the next day when everyone was around I let it *slip* and announced to everyone that cousin #1 was already married so that would make the decision easier for which wedding to attend. Cousin #1 was PISSED and said "well we just went to the courthouse, now we are having the REAL wedding". I told her the courthouse was her real wedding and congrats were given.

Invites went out and 80% of cousin #1 guests declined. I think out of like 140 invited only like 17 or 20 people showed. She didn't get any gifts either because everyone that did go treated it as a vow renewal after the news spread to EVERYONE that they were already married.

Sorry not sorry cousin #1. Guess I helped her learn that lying is bad.

mysticl · August 2014

m00se5 said:

I see you all decided to stop at the first sentence. I didn't say it was ok.
First time in this community. Had no idea it would be exactly how I picture sorority houses.

Ever been in a sorority? If not please don't stereotype us based on what you have seen in movies or on tv.

No one stopped at the first sentence. No one claimed you said it was ok. They only felt the need to address the first sentence. Quite simply no one was mean. Brutally honest, yes. Mean, no. And PP is right if immigration finds out the first marriage was for the sake of a green card and they don't consider it a valid marriage there will be no understanding, no acceptance, there however may be deportation, fines, and/or jail time. And it just takes one offended friend or family member to make a phone call.

Best way to tell wedding guests we were secretly married 2 years ago?

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