Is this fair?

JadziaDax · August 2010

A friend of mine is getting married and his fiance's family is helping pay for some of the wedding costs. When it became time to purchase invitations, he noticed that his fiance only planned to have her parents names on the invitations. When he asked why his parents names were not mentioned, his fiance said that it is usually the brides parents who are mentioned on the invitations AND that his parents shouldn't be mentioned since they aren't contributing financially to the wedding.
Does this sound fair? To me, it doesn't sound fair at all but I haven't gotten this far in my own wedding planning process to know the difference. Google pulls up mixed results as well. I appreciate any feedback because, to me at least, this sounds ridiculous and insulting.

AmoroAgain · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:3ac080a6-1fe9-45f9-b064-197c7050fe17">Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]A friend of mine is getting married and his fiance's family is helping pay for some of the wedding costs. When it became time to purchase invitations, he noticed that his fiance only planned to have her parents names on the invitations. When he asked why his parents names were not mentioned, his fiance said that it is usually the brides parents who are mentioned on the invitations AND that his parents shouldn't be mentioned since they aren't contributing financially to the wedding. Does this sound fair? To me, it doesn't sound fair at all but I haven't gotten this far in my own wedding planning process to know the difference. Google pulls up mixed results as well. I appreciate any feedback because, to me at least, this sounds ridiculous and insulting.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]
Sure is.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

His parents shouldn't be mentioned on the invitations because if they are not paying they are not hosting. Proper etiquette has traditionally always had the brides parents because traditionally the brides parents always paid for the wedding. The only change that has happened it that brides parents no longer always pay for the wedding and in that case couples pay for their own wedding and therefore they host their own wedding and brides' parents aren't listed.

You can't host if you don't pay.

aMrsin09 · August 2010

In this case the nice thing to say is:

Mr and Mrs XXXX invite you to the marriage of thier daughter
XXX
to
YYY
son of Mr and Mrs YYY

That is "new" wording and I've never actually received an invite like that. I've only ever gotten it from the parents, but only when the parents were hosting. If the Bride and Groom were paying I've gotten them and Bride and Groom request your presence blah blah

baystateapple · August 2010

I think it's really petty and insulting if the couple deliberately leaves off mentioning one set of parents JUST because they're not contributing financially to the wedding. That is crap.

quotequeen · August 2010

I don't understand why people get so worked up over whose name appears on an invitation. This is the old traditional wording.

emarston1 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:68c8e021-089f-43de-9774-d4c72149440b">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's really petty and insulting if the couple deliberately leaves off mentioning one set of parents JUST because they're not contributing financially to the wedding. That is crap.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]
This. Just because they may not be contibuting financially, doesn't mean they aren't contributing in other ways. Why hurt them on purpose over something as stupid as who's name is on the invite.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:5c4e1b99-4d61-4188-91b6-a5e9d917e70b">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this fair? : This. Just because they may not be contibuting financially, doesn't mean they aren't contributing in other ways. Why hurt them on purpose over something as stupid as who's name is on the invite.
Posted by emarston1[/QUOTE]
I really don't understand why anyone would think you should put down someone's name as hosting when they aren't hosting. It actually would be very insulting to the parents who are paying for the wedding to add the other parents names. You don't get that perk unless you open up your wallet.

How would you like to pay a huge amount of money for an event and then someone else will get credit for it?

baystateapple · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:98d535cd-916f-4b5e-b23b-3f2d91853193">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why people get so worked up over whose name appears on an invitation. This is the old traditional wording.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

And if the bride had said "Oh, we're just doing it the traditional way", I wouldn't have taken issue with it. But giving the reason as "Your parents haven't contributed financially to our wedding, so only my parents are going to be listed" sounds incredibly petty and passive-aggressive.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

The old etiquette is that whoever is hosting the wedding gets top billing on the invitation, and traditionally that was the bride's parents. Not who is paying but who is hosting. The difference is a fine line IMO that's hard to define. Now-a-days though, it's more common to say "together with their parents" or to list both sets of parents, or none at all if the bride and groom are actually considered the "hosts" of the wedding.

To answer your question though, yeah I think what your friend's FI is doing is rude and wrong.

laurenclaire1386 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:61d7cc33-5d25-4382-a443-1a6ac84cf136">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]The old etiquette is that whoever is hosting the wedding gets top billing on the invitation, and traditionally that was the bride's parents. Not who is paying but who is hosting. The difference is a fine line IMO that's hard to define. Now-a-days though, it's more common to say "together with their parents" or to list both sets of parents, or none at all if the bride and groom are actually considered the "hosts" of the wedding. To answer your question though, yeah I think what your friend's FI is doing is rude and wrong.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
I wanted to do that, and at first my mom didn't care. Then she started (over)thinking about it and said that it would look like she and my dad didn't support the marriage and she didn't want people thinking that :/

OP, I think Dani pretty much nailed it all.

MobKaz · August 2010

You might want to check out the post, "Parents name on invitation" on the Customs and Traditions thread......the exact same question was posed there a day or two ago.....

temerityjane · August 2010

We left Buddy's mom off. She's not paying, she's not coming, she hasn't asked anything about it, she has barely contributed to his life, and doesn't even call on his birthday, even though he calls on hers.

I don't feel one bit bad about it.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:68c8e021-089f-43de-9774-d4c72149440b">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's really petty and insulting if the couple deliberately leaves off mentioning one set of parents JUST because they're not contributing financially to the wedding. That is crap.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

this! That is so rude of them. We paid for our own wedding, and we put "the honor of your prescence" for the start of our invitations. This was right for us bc neither set of parents was hosting or paying.

squirrly · August 2010

There are 897 ways to word your invitations that could be considered "correct." Excluding a set of parents who want to be included, or when the B/G want them included wouldn't count as one of the 897.

melliott09 · August 2010

I think "traditionally" it used to be only the paying parent's names were mentioned to "show" who was paying for the wedding, generally the bride's parents.

Times are a changin' and I think you could put both sets of parents names regardless of who is contributing cash.

It's a respect thing to me, and I will be representing both sets of parents on our invitations and WE are paying for the whole wedding ourselves!

vegasgroom · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:f07fd43a-65de-4a84-b570-1994883e9afa">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this fair? : I wanted to do that, and at first my mom didn't care. Then she started (over)thinking about it and said that it would look like she and my dad didn't support the marriage and she didn't want people thinking that :/ OP, I think Dani pretty much nailed it all.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Hmm, my FI and I were just planning to have the invites from her parents; they're paying about 60% of our wedding costs, I'm paying the other 40% myself. I hadn't thought about my parents being on there since I was in the whole 'they're giving their daughter away' mindset; is it wrong to not have my parents on the invite? Honestly I'm not that close to mine and theyre split up/re-married as well...

mica178 · August 2010

I think my FILs would have been confused if their names were on the invitations. We're doing the "traditional" thing, which is how weddings are always done in FI's family. FI's parents have never been on a wedding invitation (so far, only sons have married) and don't expect it.

That being said, I checked my FI's brothers' wedding invitations and asked FI and FMIL what they thought about the sample wording to make sure everyone was on board. Respect before tradition is the way to go.

cassandra13187 · August 2010

I hate to say this here, but I've read PLENTY of other posts where the question was more like : "My family is paying for part of the wedding, and his family isn't paying for ANYTHING, but they still want their names on the invitation. I feel like if they're not contributing they shouldn't be insisting on their names being on the invite!"

And in response, have read a lot of posters writing, "well, tell your fiance that unfortunately those who pay have the say."

So this posts answers seem off to me. Not because I don't agree that a compromise should be made, but because it seems that people are pretty split up on this subject.

I think that etiquette rules are great for guidelines to help you along the way, but ultimately, you have to be able to look back and feel like you did this your way. If that means breaking some etiquette rules to making things less stressful for you guys, then do it. So whatever you think will decrease stress is the way to go, even if it's thinking out of the box a bit. I liked the idea of "so and so invite you to their daughter's wedding to so and so, son of so and so." Everyone is mentioned, and those who are contributing feel it's been acknowledged.

Good luck!!

Kati0105 · August 2010

I would say 90% of the wedding invitations I've received have only had the bride's parents' names so I am having a hard time seeing that as insulting. I also don't get the difference in saying that it is traditional versus saying it is because of who is paying because I'm sure the tradition came about to recognize who was hosting (paying). We used "together with their families" because I thought it looked better on our invite and my mom didn't care but I don't think I ever would have entertained the idea of listing DH's parents as hosts since they weren't hosting.

cat1121 · August 2010

Tradition says that by reading between the lines you can tell who is paying.

A Mrsin09 indicated a good choice.

We are just saying together with their familes. I don't want to have any awkardness about my deceased mother, and my unreliable father (in case he decides not to pay).

Lisa8888 · August 2010

And what if only the groom's family was paying and the bride's family wasn't paying anything? In that case the invitations indicate the groom's parents and they are the host.

I would like to see someone explain to the groom's parents that the bride's parents should get equal billing when the bride's parents didn't live up to tradition and pay.

I wouldn't be surprised if some parents wouldn't be upset enough to withdraw their financial contribution if they were not properly recognized.

The groom's parents traditionally pay/host for the rehearsel dinner and those invitations are sent out by the groom's parents. The bride's parents aren't mentioned.

BioGirl21 · August 2010

Perhaps not fair, but I did the same thing for my invites. DH wasn't upset about it, he infact defended our decision to his family. But according to tradition, just the hosting family is put on the invites

carrieoz_76 · August 2010

I would guess that your friend's FI confused an outdated tradition with the the idea that the person who pays gets billing on the invitation.

It feels kindof meddling of you to be so concerned with this (calling it "ridiculous and insulting"). If your friend wants his parents' names on the invitations, I would suggest he do a google search and have a chat with the girl he's gonna marry.

If my FI's friend were b*tching about my invitation wording on TK, I might not look on it too kindly.

stephdonjon · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:47ad7b09-7730-48e6-9442-9d2d62bb8558">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say 90% of the wedding invitations I've received have only had the bride's parents' names so I am having a hard time seeing that as insulting. I also don't get the difference in saying that it is traditional versus saying it is because of who is paying because I'm sure the tradition came about to recognize who was hosting (paying). We used "together with their families" because I thought it looked better on our invite and my mom didn't care but I don't think I ever would have entertained the idea of listing DH's parents as hosts since they weren't hosting.
Posted by Kati0105[/QUOTE]
Really? I'm surprised. I don't think I've ever seen an invitation without both sets of parents. Of course, maybe they were also helping to pay and so it wasn't a decision on their part?
But personally, I do think both parents should be on the invite, regardless of whose contributing or not. The wedding is supposed to be a celebration of the union of the two families - so why not include them on the invitation?

sweetpea6603 · August 2010

My parents are paying for our wedding and the invite will read something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. so and so invite you.......wedding of

XXXXXXXXX

and

YYYYYYYY

son of Ms. MOG and Mr. FOG

(his parents are divorced)

ledalia · August 2010

I think the real issue here is that your friend is obviously hurt that his fiancee didn't consult with him on the invitation wording. They need to talk about this together and find a solution that works for them.

We are hosting our wedding although my dad is helping us with the reception. We left out any mention of our parents in the invitation. It wasn't meant to insult my dad but both of our parents are divorced and we have step parents. So the whole "daughter of X" or "son of X" and even "together with their parents" didn't seem right to us. It would be really weird to have our parents listed together. My fiance's parents aren't financially contributing to the wedding but my real issue is that they are completely uninterested in the event. We both wouldn't feel comfortable putting their names on the invitation and they would probably ask why if we did. So I don't think tradition always applies these days and the bride and groom should do what's best for them and their families.

catemeg · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:60c44e46-af4d-4eac-9825-96c8de5b3d3d">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are paying for our wedding and the invite will read something like this:
Mr. and Mrs. so and so invite you.......
wedding of
XXXXXXXXX
and
YYYYYYYY
son of Ms. MOG and Mr. FOG (his parents are divorced)
Posted by sweetpea6603[/QUOTE]

If anyone's feelings are hurt, I'd definitely do it this way. But even though my parents will be paying for our wedding and I doubt my boyfriend's parents will pay anything, I would rather not put any parents on the invitation.

First, as a feminist, I don't like that it looks like I'm the property of my parents, especially when the girl's name does not include her last name, like "Mr. and Mrs. Steven Alexander White request your presence at the wedding of their daughter Sue Ann to John Austin Denver" - I mean, the girl doesn't even get a last name? I'm being traded from the X family to the Y family and only get to keep my first and middle name? By including the groom's parents, at least it seems like less of a "transaction" involving a dowry and more like supportive parents of the couple.

Second, I've never been a fan of following tradition just for the sake of tradition. If it doesn't make logical sense or if it makes someone unhappy, then you better believe it's going to get changed.

Personally, I'm a huge fan of "Sue Ann White and John Austin Denver, together with their families, request the honor of your presence..." That can include step-parents, siblings, grandparents... all the people and variations that it could possibly include! Plus it makes the bride and groom look more like adults and individuals who are making the decision to get married.

aMrsin09 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-fair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f490b156-d477-46fd-8e7a-be08c5e3da8aPost:60c44e46-af4d-4eac-9825-96c8de5b3d3d">Re: Is this fair?</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are paying for our wedding and the invite will read something like this: Mr. and Mrs. so and so invite you.......wedding of XXXXXXXXX and YYYYYYYY son of Ms. MOG and Mr. FOG (his parents are divorced)
Posted by sweetpea6603[/QUOTE]

If his parents are divorced it has to read:

YYYYY
son of Ms MOG
Mr FOG
the "and" indicates that they are married, so ...seperate lines for thier names.

pokepoke27 · August 2010

Honestly, if my FI was hurt that I left his parents off of the invite, I would just add them on...
My parent's invite (from 24 years ago, mind you) read
Mr. FOB requests the honor of your presence at the marriage of
Birde to
Groom
Son of Mr. & Mrs. FILS
(my grandmother was deceased at the time so that's why just the one parent)
But anyways, I thought that was just how it was done traditionally.
FI and I are paying for the wedding all on our own (my parents might pay for the dress OR the rehersal dinner if they can afford it at the time) so I'm just putting on the invite "Bride and Groom request blah blah blah". If my parents were paying and not his, I would do what my parents did. If his parents were paying and not mine I would do what my parents did but opposite. And if everyone is paying I would say "together with their parents..."
To me it seems that your friend just needs to sit his FI down and tell her how he feels. While I don't think it would be rude to leave them off because they are not contributing (it is the tradition for many people) I think it's down right mean to refuse to put them on there after he requests it.
And lets not forget, there really won't be many (if any) people that scrutinize the invite and say "Oh my god! The grooms parents are on the invite! That should mean they are paying equally for the wedding! But I was told it's just brides parents, OH the SCANDAL!" : p

Is this fair?

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