Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman

abbasangel35 · March 2013

My brother and I are 22 months apart. I've already asked his girlfriend (now fiance) and son to be a part of the wedding. My fiance said he has no problem with my brother, but refuses to have him as a groomsman. He even told me to have my 24 year old brother be a ring bearer. Family is very important to me, but not important to him.

My brother and his fiance have both expressed that if he is not in the wedding, she will not be a bridesmaid. I've already asked my fiance's sister, and his brother will be the best man. I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding. If my brother is not a groomsman, he will be the only sibling in both our families to not be in the wedding.
My fiance is very stubborn and is now saying that if my brother is in the wedding, he will not marry me. I don't know what to do. What can I do or say to change his mind. I've already had to compromise (give him his way) on the date, location, time, and to not invite my ex-boyfriend, who is now a really good friend of mine. Is this even fair? My parents are paying for the entire wedding

awolkenhauer · March 2013

As far as I'm aware, you have absolutely no say in who stands up next to your fiance. If he doesn't want your brother standing with him, he doesn't have to have him. Find another way to honor your brother if you really want him to be a part of the ceremony; you can have him do a reading of some type.

I think your FI saying he won't marry you if your brother is in the wedding is really horrible, but maybe there's something going on he hasn't discussed with you. It sounds like you guys really need to sit down and have a heart to heart about what you both want and why and figure out a way to move forward while accomdating both your wants.

"I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding"

This sounds incredibly shallow. You weren't going to ask her to be a part of her wedding unless she got in better shape? And by saying "hopefully," you make it sound as if her being a part of the wedding is still contingent on her weight. That's really harsh; you should be having your nearest and dearest standing with you whether they are 100 or 400 pounds. Your bridal party is supposed to be people you love, not props.

kmmssg · March 2013

If you are talking about your sister getting in PHYSICALLY better shape so she could "hopefully" be a part of your wedding you are one of the most shallow brides we have had in a long time. If you are talking about something else, please explain.

You already need to cancel this wedding and drop your FI. He actually told you that if you put your brother in the wedding he won't marry you? He is immature, bull-headed, and a major jerk to say something like that. Is that who and what you want to marry?

abbasangel35 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_groom-doesnt-want-brides-brother-as-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:33ca7a72-3aed-412e-a163-46153fa8121aPost:f1f0accf-a98c-4e4d-ad72-e78f869e251a">Re: Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE] "I'm planning on asking my sister who I'm not too close to, but is finally getting herself in better shape to hopefully be a part of my wedding " This sounds incredibly shallow. You weren't going to ask her to be a part of her wedding unless she got in better shape? And by saying "hopefully," you make it sound as if her being a part of the wedding is still contingent on her weight. That's really harsh; you should be having your nearest and dearest standing with you whether they are 100 or 400 pounds. Your bridal party is supposed to be people you love, not props.
Posted by awolkenhauer[/QUOTE]

My sister and I have never been close. We are 11 years apart in age and when I was younger she did a lot of things that hurt me. We've only recently gotten to the point where we actually talk. I had never thought of her as being in my wedding because of that. But when my mom told me she went on a diet because she would like to be a part of my big day. It surprised me because I didn't think she'd ever want to be a bridesmaid because she hates dresses to the point she cut one up when she was younger. It's her way of telling me she's sorry about the past and she wants to finally move on and be a sister. I hope that explains what I meant.

Ilumine · March 2013

You have no say in who your FI has to stand up for him. NONE. As for your FI's threat to no wedding, is it because he just doesn't like your brother (if so, the why needs to be shared for a better response) or is it because you have been such a pest that he is so done with the subject that he had to throw this out there to stop YOUR continual disregard for HIS feelings.

catrb89 · March 2013

You can't tell your FI who stands at the altar for him. My FI isn't havng my brother as a groomsman, but we are giving him other responsibilities, such as music and research for the band, to keep him involved. Bottom line: it's his choice. The men who stand at that altar have typically stood by the groom throughout life. Why involve the brother of the bride if they aren't close? It doesn't make sense and he'd be the odd man out.

E Squared · March 2013

1. You do not get a say on his side.

1a. We seriously need some more backstory as to why he's threatening to not marry you. That's nothing short of childish and a red flag, unless he's just trying to shut you up (which is still childish anyway).

2. You could always have your brother stand with you, on your side, if you're that close. He can wear a tie/vest to match the bridesmaid dresses. I had my brother and my male best friend stand by me as my men of honor, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

kerbohl · March 2013

I do worry about the fact that you have had to compromise on so many things as you mentioned, but he seems unwilling to compromise on something like this that is very important to you. It's true that you can't tell him who he has to have in his wedding party, but his complete refusal to even think about it (and saying that he won't marry you if your brother is a groomsman) is a major red flag. I would talk to him about it, try to understand where he is coming from, and make sure he understands what you have given up for the wedding.

LnR70707 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_groom-doesnt-want-brides-brother-as-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:33ca7a72-3aed-412e-a163-46153fa8121aPost:b6240b98-404a-4583-8c2d-aa7123ee1663">Re: Groom doesn't want bride's brother as groomsman</a>:
[QUOTE]1. You do not get a say on his side. 1a. We seriously need some more backstory as to why he's threatening to not marry you. That's nothing short of childish and a red flag, unless he's just trying to shut you up (which is still childish anyway). 2. You could always have your brother stand with you, on your side, if you're that close. He can wear a tie/vest to match the bridesmaid dresses. I had my brother and my male best friend stand by me as my men of honor, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Posted by E Squared[/QUOTE]

I agree. My only regret about my wedding was that I had all 3 of DH's sisters as bridesmaids out of some ridiculous sense of obligation. Either way we still would have dealt with their massive lack of cooperation about everything, but I should of had the 2 younger ones or all 3 stand on his side.

*Barbie* · March 2013

your FI comes off as a controlling assh*ole in the OP. it makes me question why you're even marrying him.

also, your brother could stand up with you - your FI gets to choose his part of the wedding party and you get to choose yours.

Dchacha413 · March 2013

I'm sorry your in a crap situation but all the other posters are right, you don't have a say. Your FI should consider it though since it would make you happy, but he sounds kind of like a jerk. Honestly if my FI said he wouldn't marry me over something like that I would call his bluff!

Good luck.

lindseymon · March 2013

Why couldn't your brother stand up on your side and be a bridesman? I am having three bridesmen and two bridesmaids

Buy why in the world would your fiance say something so awful like that? He won't marry you if your brother is in the wedding party? What's the rest of the story?

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