Budgeting how to's and cost consideration questions, among others.

ladydragonshade · June 2010

Here's the deal - My fiance and I have already hashed out the details (for the most part) of how we want our wedding to go. We want it cheap, simple, and most of all easy! I'm being my own wedding planner at this point, so my questions are these:
1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels.

2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one.

3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please?

4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4?

Well ladies and gents (if any sirs do grace us with their welcome presence!), my list of grievances is coming to a close. Answer away, please!

mandysmear · June 2010

1. No, your parents will offer if they want to. Don't ask.

2. Driveway space, I can't offer advice on. But, don't feel bad asking out of town people to come to your wedding. If they don't want to spend the money on a hotel, then they won't come. 90% of our guests were from OOT. I don't think anyone cared or complained. All t he weddings I have gone to have been out of town.

3. It's an assumed risk when being in a BP that you will have to pay for your attire.

4. I don't know what to tell you for this one. H's mom is extremely catholic. I asked her if she cared if we got married in a church or not. SHe said no. So we got a marriage commissioner / JOP and got married in a historical mansion.

Sing2phins · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budgeting-tos-cost-consideration-questions-among-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e7b9a080-091b-4944-a6ec-8b72e486dc7ePost:60520d8b-1d65-48fe-b40e-87433a24a6f9">Budgeting how to's and cost consideration questions, among others.</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the deal - My fiance and I have already hashed out the details (for the most part) of how we want our wedding to go. We want it cheap, simple, and most of all easy! I'm being my own wedding planner at this point, so my questions are these: 1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels. 2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one. 3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please? 4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4? Well ladies and gents (if any sirs do grace us with their welcome presence!), my list of grievances is coming to a close. Answer away, please!
Posted by ladydragonshade[/QUOTE]

As to the first, the only advice I have is, do not ask anyone for money to plan your wedding. If they can help you financially, they will offer.

As for the costs for out of towners and BP, look: people know it costs money to attend a wedding out of town and to be in a BP. Be sensitive and as flexible as possible, but no one expects you to pay for everything.

I got nothing on the religion front.

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budgeting-tos-cost-consideration-questions-among-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e7b9a080-091b-4944-a6ec-8b72e486dc7ePost:60520d8b-1d65-48fe-b40e-87433a24a6f9">Budgeting how to's and cost consideration questions, among others.</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the deal - My fiance and I have already hashed out the details (for the most part) of how we want our wedding to go. We want it cheap, simple, and most of all easy! I'm being my own wedding planner at this point, so my questions are these: 1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels.You're exactly right about that. Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford to pay for. Your parents or his may offer money, but don't count on that money til it's in your bank account. 2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one. You're not responsible for paying your guests lodging and travel costs. It's a nice gesture, but if you can't do it, you can't do it. Invite the OOT people you want there, and they'll determine whether or not it's feasible for them to come. 3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please? You're not required to pay for their attire. Again, they'll decide what they can spend and if they can't afford to get to or dress themselves for your wedding, they should politely decline the spot. 4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4? Well ladies and gents (if any sirs do grace us with their welcome presence!), my list of grievances is coming to a close. Answer away, please! If you don't want your Future inlaws input on who officiates your ceremony, don't take their money.
Posted by ladydragonshade[/QUOTE]

pooh8402 · June 2010

1. you can't. it's rude. see if they offer.

2. see what your city says about your guests possibly parking on the street. maybe you can get a permit to park people on the street. I'm getting the idea from Father of the Bride. OR you could get a shuttle from a hotel where maybe the majority of your guests would be staying. but don't feel bad about asking OOT people to come to the wedding--if they can afford it, they will come. 95% of my guest list was OOT.

3. you can ask them what their budget is. but as PP said, it is assumed that when someone asks you to be a part of a wedding party, you have to pay for attire out of pocket. I've never been a part of a wedding (after I turned 18) where I didn't pay for my own clothes and accessories.

4. it is not your ILs to choose who marries you. it is for YOU to choose who marries you. you could always just have a civil ceremony (JOP).

ohwhynot · June 2010

The number one advice I have is to not ask anyone for money. Not only does it save you from being a rude clod, it eliminates others' tendencies to demand certain things because they're paying.

That said, you and your fi should have the wedding you want and you can afford. There are lots of ways to make things easier on your attendants - letting them wear clothes they already have is probably the best. Whether it's a suit, coat-and-tie combo or just a nice pair of khakis and a clean shirt, you're good to go.

OOT guests expect to incur travel expenses and will weigh them in when they decide to accept or decline your invitation.

As far as religious preferences, the ceremony is for the couple. Have one that reflects the two of you.

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

[QUOTE]Here's the deal - My fiance and I have already hashed out the details (for the most part) of how we want our wedding to go. We want it cheap, simple, and most of all easy! I'm being my own wedding planner at this point, so my questions are these:
1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels.
You can't ask your family for money. If they offer, you can accept, but to expect them to shell out money for your party is tacky and not cool. You and your FI didn't hash out the budget part, I guess? That'd be your next step. Plan what you two can afford.

2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one.
You're not responsible for paying OOT guests' hotel costs. As for the driveway, if you have a lot of OOT guests, you should look into some sort of shuttle to bring them to your house.

3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please?
This is something that is expected if you agree to be in a wedding. Since you're not requiring them all to wear silver space suits (or something equally ridiculous), they shouldn't have any problems renting tuxes with red vests/ties.

4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4?
Since you'll be paying for your own wedding (per my first answer), plan the wedding you want. You are both, I assume, adults and live in the U.S. or Canada and can make your own personal decisions about what religion you choose to practice. As for the family dynamic, I'd say it's time for your FI to man up and tell Mom and Dad y'all don't believe in Jesus.

Well ladies and gents (if any sirs do grace us with their welcome presence!), my list of grievances is coming to a close. Answer away, please!
Posted by ladydragonshade[/QUOTE]

AllAboutTheBenjamin · June 2010

1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels.

I am not sure there is a "tactful" way of asking someone to help pay for your wedding. Many parents do offer to pay and that is wonderful but aside from just coming out and asking... no. If they want to help, they will offer. But you can't really ask.

2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one.

Invite who you want and let people worry on their own whether or not they want to pay for lodging. If you're going to have a reception - feeding them and providing beverages for them is your responsibility but as far as where they stay - that's up to them. Maybe they won't even stay. Maybe they'll leave.

3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please?

Again - let them worry about that. It's pretty normal for a member of the bridal party to pay for their own attire, unless the bride and groom are extremely generous. And from the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like you're making any extravagant demands.

4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4?

The religion front is a toughie. My family is Evangelical, and my fiance's fam is Methodist. Both of the fams have strong faith but aren't Bible thumpers by any means - so it was really surprising to me when my mother all but gave birth over how I HAD to get married in a church. So I can see where people would have strong feelings one way or the other. My advice isn't that great - but just make your wedding plans and see how it goes. In my experience with wedding planning so far, you really can't please everyone - but if you set out to please everyone, you will not be pleased with your wedding. You just need to set up what you want, say that this is it - and go with it.

Good luck!

sarah0725 · June 2010

Get this book, because it's good to read and get informed:

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Posts-Wedding-Etiquette-5e/dp/0060745045/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277933094&sr=8-1

jnic0319 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budgeting-tos-cost-consideration-questions-among-others?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e7b9a080-091b-4944-a6ec-8b72e486dc7ePost:60520d8b-1d65-48fe-b40e-87433a24a6f9">Budgeting how to's and cost consideration questions, among others.</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the deal - My fiance and I have already hashed out the details (for the most part) of how we want our wedding to go. We want it cheap, simple, and most of all easy! I'm being my own wedding planner at this point, so my questions are these
1) Is there a tacful way to ask our respective parents to help us with the wedding, monetarily? We're both rather blunt, but just going to our parents and saying, "Hey, we're getting married, y'all should do (insert task here)" seems like an over-stepping of boundaries on MANY different levels.

There is no tactful way. With us his parents set an amount they give each kid, so we basically assumed that was our amount of money and asked them how they would like to spend it. My parents offered to help and I sat down with them and went over our budget and they picked things they would help with; but if they don't offer you don't get to ask.

2) We want to invite guests from out of town, but still have a backyard style wedding. However, this presents a problem, since we don't have much driveway space, only one spare room, and no real way to cover hotel and rental vehicle costs. That being said, we also don't want to inconvenience our guests by making them pay out-of-pocket just to come see us, on top of any gifts they might wish to purchase off of our registries. Any helpful advice there? I'm more than open to any suggestions on this one.

Have the wedding you want. There will always be out of towners, and unless you are loaded it is considered normal that they pay for their own travel and accommodations. Give them some good options, they will choose whether or not they can attend and if they can afford a gift.

3) As with the out-of-towners, any Groomsmen and Honor Guards-men (that's right ladies, no bridesmaids here!) will more than likely have to pay out-of-pocket for their attire. We're going to be pretty relaxed on what we ask them to wear. As long as it looks nice and incorperates out color scheme of ivory and red, we're good! But, I hate to have to tell them that they'll have to pay for their attire on top of the gas to get to the wedding. Again, tactful monetary advice is necessary... Please?

When they go into a wedding they know there are cost involved. If you want to pay for their travel money fine, but that's really going above and beyond. Just let them know what you are thinking of for attire and where the wedding will be located, if they can't afford it they will say no.

4) Religion. This is a question that I KNOW daunts just about every couple who has multi-faith family and friends. My fiance and I are mostly agnostic, but lean towards being almost pagan, for me, and taoist for him. His parents, however, are very Southern Baptist, and mine are an undenominational christian conglomerate (my father was raised Roman Catholic, but doesn't practice it, and my mother is a relaxed yet devout Christian). While my parents have no problems with our faiths, even going so far as to encourage them (something I love my parents dearly for), his parents have no clue, but would likely be very offended if we made our "heathen" preferences known. Seeing as how they might end up having a monetary say in our wedding, this, as I'm sure you can see, just might cause one heck of a tussle over who will officiate our wedding. Once again, a question of tact has come to light. Questions, comments, advice on issue number 4?
Don't be pressured in to a religous ceremony you don't want. However, if you want to avoid any "tussles" just don't take their money. Tell them you just want something simple, and do a JoP wedding instead.

Well ladies and gents (if any sirs do grace us with their welcome presence!), my list of grievances is coming to a close. Answer away, please!
Posted by ladydragonshade[/QUOTE]

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2010

1. Go with your gut. It's poor etiquette to ask for money. If they want to contribute, they'll let you know.

2. You do NOT need to cover hotel or rental cars. Block some hotel rooms at a local hotel (for free) so your guests can get a cheaper rate. I've always paid my own way to OOT weddings, and that's something the guests will factor in before deciding if they can come or not. If you'd like, you can send them "save the date" cards about 6 months in advance so they can start planning their travel. I ordered postcards for free from Vistaprint. With shipping and postage, they cost me about $10 total. If the budget allows, you might also be able tog et a shuttle from the hotel so guests can use that instead of parking on your street. Some hotels even have shuttles for free.

3. Traditionally, WP members pay for their own attire. All you need to pay for is the rehearsal dinner (if someone doesn't offer to pay), their floral arrangements (if needed) and thank you gifts. You are being kind in your leniency - it's nice if they look coordinated but wear something they either already have or can wear again. Also, try not to dictate things like specific shoes. Usually just color and fabric is fine.

4. I'm agnostic and FI is a non-practicing Catholic. We're simply having a non-religious ceremony. (No biblical readings or mention of God. Our readings and music will be secular.) I think that could work for you. If you want to incorporate pagan traditions (like a handfasting?) I would either downplay the "pagan" part or tell FI's parents prior to the ceremony what you'll be doing.

lisarose7 · June 2010

Everyone else has offered great advice on everything, so I'm only chiming in with my advice on #4.

FI was raised JW. I'm pagan. My parents are devout Catholics. In order to keep everyone satisfied we're having an entirely secular ceremony officiated by a judge. The wedding is in a non-denominational chapel (FI wanted to get married in a churc) with a huge window wall with a fabulous view (I wanted to get married outside), and we're having all religious symbols removed prior to the ceremony.

scpalmtree06 · July 2010

4. We're also doing a non-religious ceremony and found several officiants in our area who are certified "Celebrants." They pretty much will design any type of wedding ceremony you want, from uber-religious to completely secular. FI and I aren't religious, but we have enough religious relatives who might notice the lack of references to God, praying, etc. We're hoping that having a Celebrant perform the ceremony and including a ritual or two like hand fastening or a wine ritual will sort of mask the fact that it's really a civil ceremony. Kinda like handing them a book that says "Bible" with a copy of "Great Expectations" inside, KWIM?

ladydragonshade · July 2010

Thank you all so much for your helpful advice! I've never even been to a wedding, so I have no idea what to expect or how to do things (eep!). Seeing as how neither party of parents has offered to help, everyones vehement "NO!'s" is a big help. We're planning an extremely low budget wedding as it is (the most expensive things so far will be food and the wedding bands, lol) so we shouldn't need much in the way of financial help, but I figured that putting this question to the test would be helpful to me in the long run, in case something unexpected comes up. As I said, I am a wedding ettiquette novice... We'll leave it at that! I feel much better knowing that it is NOT mandatory that we pay for travel and lodging, as well as wedding party attire. Any one of my friends that I've spoken to, and what little I've read suggested that this was considered a must, and I knew that the FI and I wouldn't be able to afford it. Hopefully, everyone can carpool, and if not, well, it's not like he and I can't drive to go pick them up if necessary. (Also, I didn't realize you could reserve a block of rooms for free. I seem to remember my mother having to put a little bit down for the rooms she's reserved in the past, but then again, this was a long time ago and my memory is occasionally faulty =P) As for the religion controversy, well, forget 'em (kinda... Forget 'em sounds cold, but my eloquence fails me currently, and I can't think of another way to express what I really mean)! They more than likely won't be contributing financially, so having a semi-religious handfasting should go over alright. If they've got a problem with it, they can talk to us about it afterwards, or before, because they will have fair warning before. Well, that's it from me for the time being. If anyone else has any good advice, by all means, please please PLEASE! Advise away!

Budgeting how to's and cost consideration questions, among others.

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