RSVP question...

GirlieGirl27320 · June 2010

I am getting married 10-2-10, and I would really like to know ASAP how many people are attending my wedding. When should I send out invites and what date should I put as the RSVP? I think my cater has to know 2 or 3 weeks out. I am asking this because our guest list is almost 100 people over what we can really afford, but I don't want to have to really cut people if I don't have to, so I was thinking of doing an A and B list and sending out the B invites if I get any A regrets. What are your thoughts?

ashstwrt · June 2010

I'm just going to warn you that a lot of people on TK are REALLY against A and B lists because if anyone found out they were on the B list, their feelings would be really hurt. That said, I think if you're REALLY careful about it (like making sure there's no way that A list people would see/talk to B list people and cause awkward situations), it's possible, if you really feel like you have to do it that way. It's typical to send out invites 6-8 weeks before the wedding, and to make the "RSVP by" date approximately 1 month before the wedding date, give or take a little. We didn't do "save the dates", so we mailed ours 8 weeks in advance. If you send it much earlier, people will either a) forget to RSVP or b) lose the invitation. Also, if you ask them to RSVP way in advance, they probably won't send the card back in time because many people won't want to make a commitment that far in advance or they won't know their work/vacation schedules, etc. Just my thoughts - HTH!

pirategal03 · June 2010

B-lists are bad. I'm in the "adamently against" camp for b-lists. I'd rather you just not invite me than put me on a b-list.

That said. Invites go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding and RSVP date should be a couple days to a week before your caterer needs the head count. So find out for sure what their date is, and back it up a couple days, keeping in mind that people think of it as the date they have to mail the RSVP by, not the date you need it by.

klthoma · June 2010

We made our RSVP date 2 months before the wedding because I had a lot of DIY and didn't want to be making things the week of my wedding when I got the numbers in. Worked fine for us.

sundrop24 · June 2010

Agree that A and B lists are bad. I think they will come back to haunt you. People talk. There's no avoiding it. Try and talk to people beforehand to get a better idea. And send out invites a little early to find out.

kristyand · June 2010

Yeah wow... I take it you haven't read much here on the Knot or in wedding etiquettte books. A and B lists are a great way to offend people. It is very easy to find out that you are on a B list. Most everyone who has a clue figures it out. And you should set your RSVP maybe 3 days before your venue needs their official count. People can't commit (well sure close family can because they know, but not all the extras... there are actual ways to do all this that are tried and true and according to experience and best etiquette--stick to them).

But honestly--the number one thing I could wish you would take from this is to NOT NOT NOT NOT even consider inviting one more person than you can pay for. By being on the knot here for a good while I have heard of more people going way way way beyond what they could afford with this little set up. I have never ever heard of this going well. I have heard of people having people they never considered accepting, coming, and people they assumed would without question not being there and ending up with very high RSVP rates, and then others having lower than expected return rates. But there is no way to know. And what are you going to do if more than you can pay for RSVP yes? You wouldn't consider denying those people? Are you going to work extra hours? Do you cut out last minute details you wish you could have? LIke how does that shake down for you in the end?

kristyand · June 2010

Whoa, you have a good number of knot posts... this surprises me your questions.

GirlieGirl27320 · June 2010

I do realize that B lists are bad---the extra people are co-workers that I have worked with for years (and the guests they bring with them). I was just trying to see what everyone did with the extra guests that they really wanted there, but did not really HAVE to be there (like family, really close friends).

kristyand · June 2010

Yeah that's a totally honest question. So I think for people who somehow have it in their budget to pay for those people to RSVP yes, then they make it on the list, and for the rest of us who don't... you do with those people "you like enough, and are in your life, but aren't so much in your circle of family or friends" the uncomfortable thing, you make the call to close it off at the point you can a.) fully pay for without fret, and b.) absolutely want their presence at your wedding. The only thing worse than being a B guest present at a wedding is being a guest whose presence is resented because it put you over your budget and you knew that was a potential going in and you were just hoping enough would say no... but didn't.

Tuff calls.

GirlieGirl27320 · June 2010

Yeah, I see your point. I am just going to have to cut the list down to what I can afford and hope that everyone that doesn't get invited is not offended. I just hate having to explain to everyone why I couldn't have them there.

manda4paws · June 2010

i would definitely cut the list down.....we had a 30 day dead line (per our caterer) and did not do an A/B List...however we were still getting RSVP's a week before the actual wedding. if you can't afford it then you odn't want to end up in a situation where someone on the A list responds late and you have already substituted a B list person for that.

monretta · June 2010

if you decide on a 'A' & 'B' list and try to hide it, I let some of my friends know that I really want to invite them to my wedding but my mother is making me invite all of my family, so I won't know until closer to the date if I can accommodate them at my venue.

I am all about being honest. I sent that with the save the date card (It was a really cute magnet) along with calling everyone I sent that too. All of my friends understood, but my friends are used to me being pretty candid.

I didn't put anyone on the "B" list that I didn't think would understand that I have to accommodate my family before I can invite everyone else.

Beth0882 · June 2010

We are sending our invites out 8 weeks in advance and setting RSVP deadline 4 weeks in advance. I know thats a little early, but most people are family and good friends who will understand if I don't follow all the etiquette rules. Our caterer needs 2 weeks notice for numbers, and I figure that gives us/our parents 2 weeks to call people up, and if someone really can't commit that early, we have some leeway in getting an answer.

We do have some people that aren't geting an initial invitation -- I guess you would call them a "B" list, but really its about 4 or 5 sets of FI's parents' old friends, who wouldn't know anyone ese on the guest list anyway, so they would have no idea (and we have no plans to tell anyone else anyway so it can't get brought up). Once we see if the people we expect to not show up are for sure not coming, we might decide to invite those people, but won't be upset if we can't invite them. Since its only 10 people I'm not worried about it -- but with over 100 I'd be really nervous about how handle that!!

shigaites · June 2010

Personally I don't see a problem with A-list B-list. But I think there are tactful ways of doing it that most people neglect, which is why it can get a bad wrap.

That said, you most definitely should not invite more people than you can afford. I would even say that if you have the standard 20% I think it is that don't RSVP you should just keep it at the 80% instead of trying to fill those spots. Better to spend less than you can afford than to put yourself in a situation of debt.

ecuchika · June 2010

Take a close look at the guest list. Who could you live with not coming? For me I have co-workers and their families.

Like shigates said there are tactful ways of handing A/B list. Most people don't know the rules of ediquitte anyways. Example: my friend is getting married in 3 weeks she has told me that bc of her guest lists restrictions set by money and parents there are a few people she wanted to invite but had to wait til she got regrets back. Her FMIL was complaining about how she wanted to invite more ppl so my friend gave her FMIL 4 invites after regrets came in and said I will send these to the people you didnt put down on the guest list in the first place.
Dont invite more people than you can pay for. Totally agree with PPs

pirategal03 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_rsvp-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:d6d11404-1d5a-4051-986b-582c9ba13fe6Post:eb53955a-038b-46aa-9e65-e4f0b24f73ab">Re: RSVP question...</a>:
[QUOTE]Take a close look at the guest list. Who could you live with not coming? For me I have co-workers and their families. Like shigates said there are tactful ways of handing A/B list. Most people don't know the rules of ediquitte anyways. Example: my friend is getting married in 3 weeks she has told me that bc of her guest lists restrictions set by money and parents there are a few people she wanted to invite but had to wait til she got regrets back. Her FMIL was complaining about how she wanted to invite more ppl so my friend gave her FMIL 4 invites after regrets came in and said I will send these to the people you didnt put down on the guest list in the first place. Dont invite more people than you can pay for. Totally agree with PPs
Posted by ecuchika[/QUOTE]

If I got an invite less than 3 weeks before a wedding I would know I was b-listed.

shigaites · June 2010

I don't think she was saying those invites were sent out 3 weeks beforehand, just that her friend is getting married in 3 weeks. Isn't the RSVP deadline usually set for well before 3 weeks?

RSVP question...

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