When has it gone too far?

AmandaGT26 · May 2012

I'm a lurker on this board and have noticed many people coming on here for advice in dealing with inlaws. It got me thinking.... at what point is enough REALLY enough?

I was reading all the posts from groomneedsadvice regarding his crazy Mother and noticed several people recommended he consider severing ties with her. I struggle with this on an ongoing basis because my future FIL is particularly horrible but it always goes back to my FI saying "... but he's still my father." It's like all is forgiven. It's not like I want my FI to not have a relationship with him, I just want future FIL to act like a normal human being with some social class. That is too much to ask apparently and soon I will be stuck with him forever!

So I want to know what you ladies think since you are the smartest ladies on TK. How horrible does a parent have to act to consider dumping them? What is the point where they have gone TOO far?

LeiselEB · May 2012

I don't think there's a certain thing I could pinpoint that would make me say 'enough is enough'. It would have to be a very personal decision to completely cut ties with a parent. I have a good relationship with my parents and future in laws, but even so I think it would take a lot for me to completely cut ties with them. But everyone is different, and one person's breaking point may not be the same as another's.

GroomNeedsAdvice · May 2012

Cutting ties can be extremely painful, and it's a decision he absolutely must make on his own. Do not ever try to persuade him to make that decision, unless you are prepared for him to resent you. My wife would not say a negative word if I decided to speak to my mother again, and I appreciate that way more than she knows. I'm not saying you were planning to make him stop talking to his dad, I'm just giving you my advice.

DramaGeek · May 2012

It is going to be different for everyone. While we haven't cut ties, we severely limited our interaction with my ILs due to some things that were going on. Now that it turns out MIL is legitimately crazy, we're more involved again to try and help get things straightened out.

It took my MIL years to cut off her mom, even when she treated her like total sh!t. On the other hand, H had no problem cutting her (MIL's mother) off right after our wedding. Until 2 weeks ago, we hadn't spoken to her in nearly 10 years.

As far as being the SO in the situation, it sucks hard. You watch your loved one get beat down and hurt over and over and there's nothing you can do except listen and assure them that it's not their fault. What to do and when to do it is so individual though.

NOLAbridealmost · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-has-it-gone-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fc590f79-07e8-437c-a06a-5654e3392a68Post:c794d1d5-d955-4cd2-b082-59ab756cdb0e">Re: When has it gone too far?</a>:
[QUOTE]When have they gone too far? When the child of said parent says so. It sucks to see your SO dealing with a ton of crap from their family, but they have to be the ones to make the call on cutting ties.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS.</div>

julib33 · June 2012

It's different for everyone. My mom and I were VERY close most of my childhood/teenage years. When I moved away for college she started drinking and became a raging alcoholic. It literally got to the point where she was put in rehab in the town I lived in (a few hours away from her home) to get better. When she kept drinking I moved her in with me and my now FI. I was literally taking care of her the best I could, going to college full time, and working. It was ridiculous.
I thought SO many times how I just wanted nothing more to do with her, but then I'd think about how crappy it would be to not have her in my life at all. I stuck by her (against my better judgement) and now, 4 years later she's sober and back to her old self. Is our relationship the same as before she started drinking? No. It never will be. But I have my mom in my life and that's what matters.

I doubt most people would deal with that crap for as long as I did. I think it depends on your threshold for stress. And in my case, how close we used to be.

The only thing that could make me cut my mom out of my life is if I were to have kids and she was drinking around them. That is when it has gone too far. That is my breaking point.

Edit: My FI stood by me the whole time. He put up with my drunken mom, he put up with finding her in her own vomit when we got home, he put up with her being horrible (sorry if this is TMI). He always told me that if I chose to cut my mom out of my life, he'd support me but that I'd probably regret it if I did. I'm not sure what I would have done without him, lol.

whitsy · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_when-has-it-gone-too-far?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fc590f79-07e8-437c-a06a-5654e3392a68Post:91b9dda7-f528-47e6-8435-fe969bcc525e">Re:When has it gone too far?</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who has cut ties with my father and then sort of rebuilt them, I have to say that being supportive of whatever the child of the parent wants is the most important thing. DH sat through some HORRIBLE dinners with my dad, and was always very honest about the fact that he thought he was and still is King Douchecanoe. However he never told me "he can't come to our wedding" or "our kids aren't allowed to be around him" though I know those would have been his preferences. Instead he said things to support me without pressuring me, like "you are so amazing and deserve much better than that". When we stopped speaking for 4 years, he took on his family AND mine when they openly judged and harassed me about it. And when I decided I did want my dad at my wedding, he simply asked if I was sure, and then went off to the office to call some buddies and arrange for them to be on standby in case he started showing his asss and upset me. And now, he dutifully attends dinner with dad and the stepwife twice a year when they visit and makes polite conversation. The point is that I've been with guys who pulled the "but he's your DAD" line and I've also been with guys who worked tirelessly to convince me to cut ties with him. I resented them both. DH's approach is <strong>"he's an asshat, but you're the one who has to live with him or live with the fallout of cutting him out. So whatever you choose, I'm with you.</strong>" And THAT is why I married him.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This has been my approach with my ILs. They have said (and continue to say) hurtful things about me and my H, that no amount of discussion and anger seems to diffuse. It's very frustrating, and if it were me, I would no longer be speaking to them. But he does have the same thought, "But they're my parents!" So I've just tried to reiterate to him that he doesn't deserve their behavior, but until he's ready to cut them off, I'm there for him.</div><div>
</div><div>Same with you and your FI, OP. Only he can decide. Your breaking point can be and probably is completely different from your FI's.

</div>

karenreneeb · June 2012

My future FIL is horrible too. I have supported my FI, because it is his father. The question becomes how much do I personally have to take? I don't mind that me FI has a relationship, but I refuse to be abused by his father and stepmother. my FI has been afraid to stand up to his father even after he has been disrespectful to him and me for fear of arguing with him and that it an argument he will never win. His father also treats him like crap. Where can I draw my own personal line while still supporting my FI?

MyUserName1 · June 2012

Karen, You do not have to put up with their shhit. It is perfectly acceptable (and probably best for your wellbeing) to say "Honey, I understand that he's your father and you want to have a relationship with him. And I support you in whatever kind of relationship you choose to have with him. That being said, I refuse to put up with his abuse." You can politely tell your FI that you are willing to have dinner with FIL and his wife, but as soon as they become abusive or disrespectful you are leaving. Drive your own car if you have to. Supporting your FI in whatever relationship he chooses to have with them does NOT mean you have to have the same relationship with them.

jenajjthr · June 2012

Ties are cut when the harm that is being done is greater than any good that may be there. As PP's said, this will be different for each individual person. I put up with my bio dad and his attitude that I didn't matter for many years because "he was my dad." But when my children started asking why Grandpa X didn't want to be around them, I cut ties. Only after many years has a relationship started to come back, but I'm taking it very slow.

Let your FI lead the way and support him and whatever decision he makes.

hoffse · June 2012

There is also a line between cutting ties completely and establishing some firm boundaries. It sounds like Groom needed, and is starting to, put up some solid boundaries for future behavior, but he isn't ready to cut his mom out entirely - I wouldn't have been either if my mom acted that way.

If your FIL is saying really hurtful things, but your FI isn't ready to or will never want to cut them out completely, boundaries are a solid choice. My grandmother on my dad's side was really horrible to my mom and me because my mom chose to have a C-section and went back to work after having me. My grandmother kept the fact that I had even been born from the rest of the family for as long as possible. And then she didn't acknowledge me until I was a teenager. My dad wasn't able to cut ties completely, but he really did change the relationship where he talked to her on her birthday, mother's day, and Christmas, and that was it until she came around and apologized for her rudeness. Your FI might prefer this sort of approach - because it keeps him connected enough in case something happens (ie: when my grandfather died and my dad had to help manage the finances of my grandmother's estate so she didn't run through money too quickly), but he's not present 24/7.

karenreneeb · June 2012

Thanks guys. I felt like I was approaching this in the right way and allowing my FI to make the choice about his own relationship while setting my own boundaries.

When has it gone too far?

Re: When has it gone too far?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards