Pissed! RSVP for +1

brian+caitlin · September 2010

So, my mom's friend... who is now more of an obligation than a friend... called today and said her, her husband, their two children, and her children's significant others will be attending our wedding. That's six people when we budgeted for three (never cared much for the daughter ever since she keyed my friend's car). Needless to say, I'm pissed because the kids' invitations did not include a plus one. How do I handle this rudeness? It would be different if we all were close, but I have not seen most of them in years, and only care for the husband/ father anyway.

brian+caitlin · September 2010

Just saw the horrible grammar. Please excuse.

kathrynhabibti · September 2010

[QUOTE]So, my mom's friend... who is now more of an obligation than a friend... called today and said her, her husband, their two children, and her children's significant others will be attending our wedding. That's six people when we budgeted for three (never cared much for the daughter ever since she keyed my friend's car). Needless to say, I'm pissed because the kids' invitations did not include a plus one. How do I handle this rudeness? It would be different if we all were close, but I have not seen most of them in years, and only care for the husband/ father anyway.
Posted by brian+caitlin[/QUOTE]
How old are the children?

brian+caitlin · September 2010

Not really children, lol, I don't know why I called them that. They're 23 and 21. Both of them have been dating their SO for less than three months, if that makes a difference.

nda_roxybabe · September 2010

Call them and say "I'm sorry, the invitation was only for you, your husband and your children. Unfortunately we were not able to include a plus one for everyone"

tldh · September 2010

Someone (you or your mom) needs to pick up the phone and tell them that there was no +1 on the invite.

palrmt · September 2010

I would have to make the call to let them know that the SO's were not invited. It might be a bit awkward but remember that they are the ones who made it awkward. You do not owe them a +1 for the kids. If this means they won't attend, oh well. That's their choice.

kathrynhabibti · September 2010

Oh okay, so adult children then :^)

Sorry but I'm going to have a couple of questions. Okay, so how did the invites go out? Do the children still live at home, and did the invites say "the Smith family", or "Mr and Mrs Smith and Smith Child", or separate invites at the same address? Or do the children live on their own now and you sent the invited one his or her own invite?

Putting that aside for a minute, the length of time they've been dating isn't what affects how serious they are as a couple. If they consider themselves to be a couple, then that's what you go by. FI and I were a couple straight away; if someone had known about this but a month later didn't include me on their invite I'd be annoyed, but if he'd already gotten an invite from before as a single guy and they had already set their limit and budget with that included, that would be different.

ETA: I just reread and saw that you said kids' invites, so I'm guessing they got separate ones? Also you said you only budgeted for three, but it sounds like you sent invites out for four - who did you invite, and who are the add-ons? I'm sorry, I just feel like I'm missing something :^\

PharmacyBride · September 2010

The fact that she called to tell you this means she thinks she can bully you into allowing these extras. Just be firm and polite.

My sister was bullied by her best friend's family to invite her brother (parents were already invited) and he felt "left out"

They harassed her so much that she just gave in because she couldn't deal with the stress. It still makes me mad!

Just be polite and firm and make sure you know it is either the 3 comes or they don't come. If they insist.. say "I am sorry we are going to miss you then; we were really looking forward to seeing you at the wedding"

eshaufle · September 2010

Yeah, I think we need more information like what was stated in pp. If you are inviting adult children that are in serious relationships then they should technically get a +1.

I have a "however" to that previous statement though...

Sometimes if you are inviting family friends as a "family unit", you may (or your parents may) be really only close to the parents. If you're not really close to the kids then you may not even know they were in a serious relationship let alone a relationship at all. I think inviting family units is ok unless the kids are in a "serious" relationship (which I define subjectively as 6 months or more but obviously as pp have stated this may be less or more so you kind of have to use your judgment) then they're SO should have gotten an invite as well.

We'll probably run into this with a family our family is friends with. We're still close to the couple and they have grown kids. I used to be friends with their kids when I was younger but haven't spoken to them in several years. We haven't even done our guest list but this same family got invited to another wedding...the women who is friends with my mom said that the family got sent an invite with the 4 of their names on it but she was "letting" the kids bring their new "friend" (aka people they're not really dating just "hanging out" with lol). I don't think they were even planning on telling this poor couple that they were letting them come (rude). My mom didn't really want to say anything to her because she wasn't in her mind going to invite +1's for their kids (since she doesn't even know they were really dating anyone) but certainly doesn't want them crashing our wedding either.

So the same rule still stands in my mind...grown kids get their own invite and a +1 if in a serious relationship. You do not need to offer a +1 to single guests (unless you can then that's nice). So if these kids were in serious relationships then they probably should have gotten a +1. They're approach was rude though and they should never bully you into the situation. If they're unhappy about the invite then they can choose not to come.

kathrynhabibti · September 2010

[QUOTE]Yeah, I think we need more information like what was stated in pp.
Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]
I think so too.

Rereading the OP last night, it kind of sounded like the original invitees were the mom and her two children (even though she's not fond of the one daughter), as OP had written "kids' invites", plural, and that the dad and SOs were the add-ons.

OP, you need to come back! You can't split up social units but we need more info from you.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

I read that the invites were for
husband (since she cared for him)
wife
child #1
and that child #2 daughter whom she didn't care for was the one not invited

Perhaps the apostrophe in kids' was misplaced and should have read kid's as in possessive one? She did come back and say there were some grammar mistakes.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

Srsly, what young 20-something BF/GF would want to go to their GF/BF's mom's friend's daughter's wedding? I agree with the stand your ground against this woman suggestion.

LaurenDarling · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pissed-rsvp-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82b80aec-ab43-47ef-a14a-0430a568faf5Post:2790bd71-77b2-4585-9d6b-ef9048824081">Re: Pissed! RSVP for +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Srsly, what young 20-something BF/GF would want to go to their GF/BF's mom's friend's daughter's wedding?
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>Free booze.</div>

mhickey426 · September 2010

However the invites went out they should not bring a guest unless it said AND GUES. I agreee that she is trying to bully you into letting them bring a guest otherwise they would have just sent back the response. Just call and say that they cant come because you didnt include them in your plans.

bdriley · September 2010

If you're inviting the family unit, technically that family unit doesn't include dates. In this case, the kids will know others at the wedding (their parents and your family) so I don't think it's unreasonable to deny them guests whether or not they're in a "serious", length of time actually dating unknown, relationship. And if you don't really care for the kids anyway (which it sounds like you're only inviting them through their parents invitation), it won't really matter if they get pissy because it doesn't sound like you want to see them ever again anyway.

I would like to know what was actually told to the mom on the phone though. Sounds like you let the issue slide and allowed the extra people before you came to ask us about how to do damage control.

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