New MIL not accepting my name change

housewifehobbiest · July 2012

Thanks J&K! This is a hill I'll die on, and by that I mean get H involved in which case I'll get called my name and a few others behind my back. I would rather MIL begrudgingly accept my proper name and feel like some kind of benevolent saint than she feel like some martyr forced to accept it or face an angry son. Hopefully with the right wording and some time I can swing it that way and get a properly addressed Christmas card by December!

J&K10910 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:03f49f13-da59-44b4-9aee-0325d0980cd7">Re: New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks J&K! This is a hill I'll die on, and by that I mean get H involved in which case I'll get called my name and a few others behind my back. I would rather MIL begrudgingly accept my proper name and feel like some kind of benevolent saint than she feel like some martyr forced to accept it or face an angry son. Hopefully with the right wording and some time I can swing it that way and get a properly addressed Christmas card by December!
Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]

Better shoot for NEXT Christmas ;) Seriously though. It sounds like she's the type of person that will continue to try to steamroll you, and rolling over on this is setting you up for many more situations like this, but worse (child rearing, for instance) in the future. I'm sorry you've gotta do it. It sucks. But it's worth it for your name if you feel strongly about it.

Coghoot12 · July 2012

I think asking "is this a hill you want to die on" is completely trivializing OP's problem. That phrase is more appropriate for "I don't like my MILs dress for the rehearsal dinner" and not for someone's identity. I did not take H's name and I am baffled by people who seem to have such an issue with something H and I are completely in agreement on. And this includes members of hi family. You have to stand up for yourself on this. What's the point of keeping your name if you won't assert what that name is?

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I took my H's name because I wanted to take his last name...not because anyone else wanted me to, and I believe that this is a fight worth fighting.

Not only is it your name, but making the choice to hyphenate your last name with his, or keep your own shows that your name means something to you, and that's it's important enough not to drop it, and you have a right to do that since it's YOUR name.

I think that politely correcting her repeatedly and being patient is the way to get this worked out.

My name is Jessica, and people call me Jennifer ALL the time. I correct them when they do so. Why? My name is Jessica, not Jennifer. Even though it's accidental.

OPs MIL knows her choice about the choice to keep her name, and MIL is refusing to accept it, and that is ridiculous and disrespectful to OP and OPs H.

runpipparun · July 2012

OP, I feel your pain. FMIL is already upset that we're getting married for a variety of reasons, and I just got a cake pan with a lid that says "MyFirstName HisLastName" on it. ...We're not getting married till NEXT June. I don't feel that now is the best time to call and bring up the fact that I'm not taking his name.

Solidarity, sister.

willywally5 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:36829ee0-d207-4f6b-b23b-f9f79bb5b543">Re:New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think asking "is this a hill you want to die on" is completely trivializing OP's problem. That phrase is more appropriate for "I don't like my MILs dress for the rehearsal dinner" and not for someone's identity. </strong>I did not take H's name and I am baffled by people who seem to have such an issue with something H and I are completely in agreement on. And this includes members of hi family. You have to stand up for yourself on this. What's the point of keeping your name if you won't assert what that name is?
Posted by Coghoot12[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm really not trying to trivialize it at all. It's just an expression. I agree the OP has a very significant problem. (Actually, I think her MIL's issue with her name are indicative of a much greater disrespect for OP as a person and of OP and her H as a couple.)</div><div>
</div><div>My point is that OP needs to decide how big of an issue it is also how hard she wants to fight. And there are a ton of different ways to go about it. I just threw a few out there. </div><div>
</div><div>The way I se it, this can end three ways: 1) Either MIL gives in and addresses OP correctly; 2) OP lets it slide and thus give int to MIL or 3) they agree to disagree. Hoping it's option 1. Good luck!</div>

runpipparun · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:dbb5d0a5-f95d-4d4c-8f95-d1f50789d160">Re:New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:New MIL not accepting my name change : I'm really not trying to trivialize it at all. It's just an expression. I agree the OP has a very significant problem. <strong>(Actually, I think her MIL's issue with her name are indicative of a much greater disrespect for OP as a person and of OP and her H as a couple.)</strong> My point is that OP needs to decide how big of an issue it is also how hard she wants to fight. And there are a ton of different ways to go about it. I just threw a few out there. The way I se it, this can end three ways: 1) Either MIL gives in and addresses OP correctly; <strong>2) OP lets it slide and thus give int to MIL or 3) they agree to disagree.</strong> Hoping it's option 1. Good luck!
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Therein lies the problem. How do you decide to let it slide that your MIL openly disrespects your personal identity? Or "agree to disagree" on it?
</div>

lyndausvi · July 2012

I think I understand what Wally is trying to say.

I have 2 last names. My MIL and my parents still send us cards addressed Mr and Mrs Hislastname. It's not a big deal to me. Socially I do not mind going by Mrs Hislastname. (don't dare address Mrs Hisfirstname HisLastname, though. I hate that.).

Just because I don't time doesn't mean the OP shouldn't mind either. Only she can decide if it's something worth battling or not.

runpipparun · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:a57500ff-b300-44ce-9c85-01e8bf850a60">Re: New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I understand what Wally is trying to say. I have 2 last names. My MIL and my parents still send us cards addressed Mr and Mrs Hislastname. <strong>It's not a big deal to me.</strong> Socially I do not mind going by Mrs Hislastname. (don't dare address Mrs Hisfirstname HisLastname, though. I hate that.). Just because I don't time doesn't mean the OP shouldn't mind either. Only she can decide if it's something worth battling or not.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>Obviously it is a big deal to her, if she took great pains to avoid being addressed as Mrs. John Smith at her wedding and afterwards and has told MIL about her wishes multiple times. If you tell somebody that something is important to you, and they don't respect it, or they chastise you over it, then you have an issue. This isn't just a forgetful parent or IL, this is somebody who disagrees with OP's and H's decision and has decided to purposefully ignore it.</div>

ceceibson · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:da00248a-197a-4558-84f4-d2135629458a">Re:New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:New MIL not accepting my name change : Look, any way OP approaches it is going to blow up in my opinion. Writing about it in an email didn't work and pissed MIL off. My guess is an actual letter or conversation will have the same effect. And, while they both piss MIL off, neither of those will get MIL to call OP what she wants to be called. So if she's going to piss her off anyway, my feeling is that something on that order is the only way OP could actually have ANY HOPE of getting her MIL to use the correct name. Is it nice? No. But it might be effective. Like I said, OP needs to decide how much she wants to fight this.
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

<div>My two cents worth, having been in a similar situation: nothing you do will change your MIL's behavior and/or what she calls you. I'm on your side, and I agree with the others who are. I'm just saying that this may be your issue to let go of, that you won't ever really change her actions and certainly not her opinion.</div><div>
</div><div>My late husband's mother always referred to me as Mrs. HisLastName, even though it never was my last name. I am engaged, getting married in August and yet again not changing my last name.</div><div>
</div><div>Late husband's mom sent FI and I a card addressed to us with HER and my late husband's last name. When I asked her about it [were you joking or what's going on here, lady?] she said she'll just never get used to me as anything other than a HERLASTNAME and so that's what she's going to call me. And call FI.</div><div>
</div><div>FI just laughed it off, God love him.</div>

shoeDGgal · July 2012

You made your point if she chooses to continue to be disrespectful then just rise above it, correct her if it is in front of people and don't worry because she will eventually have to accept it...when you hyphenate the kids names

angryangry · July 2012

I find it baffling that pp thinks that "agree to disagree" is an option in this situation. You and I can agree to disagree about whether Tosh.0 or E! news is a better tv show, because that is an OPINION. But we really can't agree to disagree about whether the earth is flat or round, because that is a FACT, so one person is actually right. OP's name is a fact, not an opinion.

willywally5 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:79d4b956-5a78-48a2-bb55-ae3b2201df90">Re: New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]I find it baffling that pp thinks that "agree to disagree" is an option in this situation. You and I can agree to disagree about whether Tosh.0 or E! news is a better tv show, because that is an OPINION. But we really can't agree to disagree about whether the earth is flat or round, because that is a FACT, so one person is actually right. OP's name is a fact, not an opinion.
Posted by angryangry[/QUOTE]

<div>If OP were dealing with a rational person, you would be absolutely correct. Her name is her name, the end. </div><div>
</div><div>But this MIL is not able to see this situation rationally. If she were, she would have been respectful of her new DIL's wish to be addressed by her actual, factual name after the first time she was told what that name was going to be. Seemingly, calling OP by that name means more than a factual name to the MIL and she can't get past her feelings about it and the issues tied to it for her. To us, 'Jen Jones-Smith' is simple and factual. But to the MIL, it isn't. It's loaded with a bunch of other meaning to her and thus, irrational. Even though most everyone (including me) thinks the MIL is being ridiculous, she isn't able to see it that way.</div><div>
</div><div>Hopefully MIL can come to grips with whatever is making her unable to see the point here, and all will be well. Until then, all OP and her H can do is decide how they will handle it because they can't force MIL to do anything. </div>

DramaGeek · July 2012

It's definitely a hill that I would die on. Ten years later, I still can't get my ILs to address me as Drama Lastname, and I still correct them every damn time.

I feel like this is one of those situations that would be better handled in person rather than via email. I actually don't blame you for addressing it via email at first - I would have to - but obviously it struck a nerve so it's time to have the talk in person.

As far as what I would say? Not totally sure, but I would definitely take some time to craft a response carefully and preactice it. Off the top of my head, something like "While I can appreciate that you are proud of your name, I hope you'll understand that I have an attachment to my name as well. I am glad to be able to honor both families by using both last names, and I hope you'll respect that in the future."

weddingmuse · July 2012

"She made a half-assed apology about how she "must be ignorant, because she always thought married couples were referred to as Mr. & Mrs Hislastname in social situations, regardless of her legal name (????)" and said she would try to remember to refer to me as Ms. Jen Jones-Smith in the future."

Am I missing something here? Did not MIL agree - albeit very grudgingly - to what OP asked? What more is needed now? Quite obviously, MIL does not like it.

You can't make her like it; you can't require her to like it. All you can do is require her to call you by the name you wish to be called. So remind her every. single. time. she slips up.

I'd email her back, copying the part of hers where she agreed to do it, and say pleasantly "Thanks so much for respecting my wishes. It means so much to me and H. Love, NYCFoodieBride". And let it go at that for now.

Lisa50 · July 2012

Don't discuss this with her again. I understand that you felt sending an email was the best thing for you, but honestly, email can easily be offensive -- the reader overlays his/her tone on your words. Plus, it is a topic she clearly wants to not only have the last word on, but wants things go her way. You will not change her opinion; she will be offended by your choice as long as she wishes to be. Let her marinate in it, forever, if she'd like. But just let it go.

You won't win this. Don't even try. People will refer to you by any number of last names, so that's just something to get used to. Believe me, I know about this first hand. My first husband and I split in 1998 and there are people who still refer to me as Mrs. HisLastName. Get this ... I never changed my name, never hyphenated, never used his name socially -- nothing. I just laugh it off.

Luckily for me, my former MIL had no problem with my choice of keeping my name. She and I remain friends to this day. Lesson learned -- people are what they are and usually show their true nature sooner or later. Your MIL is showing hers sooner. Accept who she is and how she is; live and let live.

TheSlowskys · July 2012

Your MIL said she would call you by your name. I think this is unfortunately something you have to get used to because other people are going to make the same mistake. I don't think it sounds like she was really trying to really slight you, and maybe she was mistaken thinking you would be ok with it socially. You do have his last name incorporated into yours so its not the completely wrong last name. I say this as someone who is not taking my fis name. I dont think his parents know that yet and its a sore subject between he and I. I am sure they will not be happy. People are going to assume you have his last name. Personally I'm ready to accept that, and I am sure I will be correcting them my entire life. On the opposite note, there are people who are married who changed their names and I always slip up and call them by their maiden name.

Kristin789 · July 2012

Look, she's DH's mom so HE should have taken care of this.
You should not have e-mailed her a pissy note.
But, even though you DID, she has agreed to do as you've asked.
So let her. The End.

Now, since everyone else has shared their personal issue with names, etc., here's mine:

I took DH's last name totally. We're both doctors.

80% of our mail comes correctly addressed to THE DOCTORS CLARK.
20% of our mail comes addressed like this: Dr. Kristin Clark and Dr. Todd Clark
which is OK but not the preferred way to address two doctors.

Only one sender does not use either one of those formats.
We get mail from ONE sender addressed like this: Mr. and Mrs. Todd Clark.
That's the mail from Todd's mom.

When we got the first holiday card addressed this way, and she sends a car for EVERY holiday including Valentine's Day and Halloween, I asked Todd what he thought of asking her to address us correctly, he said he'd rather not, and I thought about it and decided to let it go. His parents are old and not well, just like my mom, and we spent a whole lot of time in senior care issues. Yeah, I wish she'd do it differently, but not enough to insist. The End..

Calypso1977 · July 2012

as someone who kept my name, i still cannot understand why such decisions create so much drama with people. i feel for you, OP.

you are the person you are, inside and out. the name you choose to go by in no way has a reflection on how you feel about your H or your IL's (or you own family for that matter). dont ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.

i would politely and firmly correct her everytime (and anyone else) until they get it right.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_new-mil-not-accepting-my-name-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0cb47316-8f14-4c23-8c62-954512fc9f3fPost:f4ba32f9-c8d2-44ef-afe1-21d0f836c04f">Re: New MIL not accepting my name change</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New MIL not accepting my name change : My bet is she never will call her by her correct name. So OP will have to decide if it's a hill on which she'd like to die. Honestly, I worry she may have bigger problems than this with MIL in the future. This might end up being the least of her troubles!
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

All the more reason for her to be firm now, so MIL knows what to expect the next time she thinks about being manipulative/passive-agressive.

New MIL not accepting my name change

Re: New MIL not accepting my name change

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